Hot Lard Flashback –

I’ve decided to bring back some of my earlier posts that I am particularly proud of.  These posts show the hard work and dedication we use to show here at Hot Lard….. Plus I cannot think of a damn thing to write.

This post was originally written in August of 2007 and shows an exchange I had with Lower My Bills .com.  The reason I like this one a lot is because they replied back and took my first few emails to them seriously… Silly rabbit.


Click here to read the post.

One Last Email – Expert Advise

I know I said I was done… and I am. I mean it!!

But we received an email from a fan that I just could not let go unanswered. So this is now my final post for Hot Lard… It is… Really… I mean it… I’m done after this… STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!!!!

Letter from a fan:


I’d appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: and our item hanging bubble chair.

I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur 🙂 I’d like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it’d be swell if you can place our link on your blog.

Thank you,


I always knew this site was about modern design and now here is my chance to prove it.


My name is Ervin Shlopnick, I’m the managing director, of things that need management and direction for Hot Lard Inc. I’d like to say thank you for your email; home décor & modern design are two of the most important things in my life. Right after cow tipping, colostomy bags, rubber pants, adult diapers, septic tank skinny dipping, and fart lighting contests.

I checked out your site and I do have a few comments for you. First you need some naked clowns. Nothing says buy my crap better than a naked clown staring you in the face. That is how we sold over 2 million units of our product, “Why I Like to Touch Mommy Down There, Lubricant”. Next, you could use a blood splatter back ground and maybe a woman screaming.

As far as your products, I’m not really seeing anything I could use for my 16 monkeys. Do you have a monkey section on your site that I did not find? How easily can one clean feces from your products. Those darn monkey sure do love throwing their feces around. I guess it is partially my fault; I’m usually the one who starts the feces fight with them. Also do you have any chairs that would prevent your victim.. errr I mean “date” from escaping before you have finished? Other than that I think you stuff is pretty much crap.

Thanks again for the email, I’ll be posting your link right between the barn yard porn and NAMBLA ads.

Regards and sweet, sweet kisses

Ervin Shlopnick

I wonder what Sean has to think of my “Win Win” ideas. But You’ll never know, because this is my last post. (BUH WAH HA HA HA)

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Fighting for Truth in Advertising

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

As a respected member of the journalistic pack, I was appalled and sadden to the point of suicide when I saw the false advertising that my co-journalist CountofFlanders had uncovered at I immediately got on the phone with our crack team of corporate lawyers and midget prostitutes and demanded they do something about this or I would remove all of their hair again.  Within minutes we had covert forces storming the headquarters of, taking prisoners, torturing those responsible and ravishing their pets and farm animals.

And it appears that good has won over evil, because has pulled the SarahC_1225 false photo and replaced it with the real SarahC_1225. And boy howdy is she a real catch. Better hurry boys or you’ll be standing behind the old Shlop-inator to get your chance with this one.


SPAM Email of the Day for 2008-Apr-21

Please, someone help me define “sexual death”.

Here are some possible scenarios I can think of:

  • death during sex due to strangulation
  • death during sex due to ice pick in the temple
  • death during sex due to limp dick
  • death during sex due to laughter
  • death during sex due to rabid dog attack
  • death during sex due to extremely vicious vomit spew-age

SPAM Email of the Day for 2008-Mar-26

Subject: I realized I was in love.

Amaze her with your new, gigantic tool between your legs.

tool-douchebag.jpgWho’s point of view is this from?  Did this email come from a girl who realized she was in love because of a gigantic tool between some douchebag’s legs?  Or, did some guy realize that his new-found gigantic tool cause a girl to fall in love with him?

Either way, it doesn’t matter.

I want to point out that if you are a guy who once had a small penis but now has a gigantic one, girls will not love you.  You will always be remembered as the small-penis guy who had low self esteem and almost killed himself to gain a larger penis guy.