Hot Lard Flashback – Lowermybills.com

I’ve decided to bring back some of my earlier posts that I am particularly proud of.  These posts show the hard work and dedication we use to show here at Hot Lard….. Plus I cannot think of a damn thing to write.

This post was originally written in August of 2007 and shows an exchange I had with Lower My Bills .com.  The reason I like this one a lot is because they replied back and took my first few emails to them seriously… Silly rabbit.

Click here to read the post.

We’re Away…

Click picture

One Last Email – Expert Advise

I know I said I was done… and I am. I mean it!!

But we received an email from a fan that I just could not let go unanswered. So this is now my final post for Hot Lard… It is… Really… I mean it… I’m done after this… STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!!!!

Letter from a fan:

Hello,

I’d appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging bubble chair.

I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur 🙂 I’d like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it’d be swell if you can place our link on your blog.

Thank you,

Sean

I always knew this site was about modern design and now here is my chance to prove it.

Sean,

My name is Ervin Shlopnick, I’m the managing director, of things that need management and direction for Hot Lard Inc. I’d like to say thank you for your email; home décor & modern design are two of the most important things in my life. Right after cow tipping, colostomy bags, rubber pants, adult diapers, septic tank skinny dipping, and fart lighting contests.

I checked out your site and I do have a few comments for you. First you need some naked clowns. Nothing says buy my crap better than a naked clown staring you in the face. That is how we sold over 2 million units of our product, “Why I Like to Touch Mommy Down There, Lubricant”. Next, you could use a blood splatter back ground and maybe a woman screaming.

As far as your products, I’m not really seeing anything I could use for my 16 monkeys. Do you have a monkey section on your site that I did not find? How easily can one clean feces from your products. Those darn monkey sure do love throwing their feces around. I guess it is partially my fault; I’m usually the one who starts the feces fight with them. Also do you have any chairs that would prevent your victim.. errr I mean “date” from escaping before you have finished? Other than that I think you stuff is pretty much crap.

Thanks again for the email, I’ll be posting your link right between the barn yard porn and NAMBLA ads.

Regards and sweet, sweet kisses

Ervin Shlopnick

I wonder what Sean has to think of my “Win Win” ideas. But You’ll never know, because this is my last post. (BUH WAH HA HA HA)

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Fighting for Truth in Advertising

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

As a respected member of the journalistic pack, I was appalled and sadden to the point of suicide when I saw the false advertising that my co-journalist CountofFlanders had uncovered at SinglesNet.com. I immediately got on the phone with our crack team of corporate lawyers and midget prostitutes and demanded they do something about this or I would remove all of their hair again.  Within minutes we had covert forces storming the headquarters of SinglesNet.com, taking prisoners, torturing those responsible and ravishing their pets and farm animals.

And it appears that good has won over evil, because SinglesNet.com has pulled the SarahC_1225 false photo and replaced it with the real SarahC_1225. And boy howdy is she a real catch. Better hurry boys or you’ll be standing behind the old Shlop-inator to get your chance with this one.

Grrrrr

Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

SPAM Email of the Day for 2008-Apr-21

Please, someone help me define “sexual death”.

Here are some possible scenarios I can think of:

• death during sex due to strangulation
• death during sex due to ice pick in the temple
• death during sex due to limp dick
• death during sex due to laughter
• death during sex due to rabid dog attack
• death during sex due to extremely vicious vomit spew-age

SPAM Email of the Day for 2008-Mar-26

Subject: I realized I was in love.

Amaze her with your new, gigantic tool between your legs. http://liesonkeeng.com/

Who’s point of view is this from?  Did this email come from a girl who realized she was in love because of a gigantic tool between some douchebag’s legs?  Or, did some guy realize that his new-found gigantic tool cause a girl to fall in love with him?

Either way, it doesn’t matter.

I want to point out that if you are a guy who once had a small penis but now has a gigantic one, girls will not love you.  You will always be remembered as the small-penis guy who had low self esteem and almost killed himself to gain a larger penis guy.

RSPV a wedding I’ll never go to

In case you are new to the site, I have been getting emails for another person that shares my name. Not sure who this guy is or where he lives, all I know is that for some reason he and I have the same Gmail address and from time to time I get emails that were meant for him. After receiving quite a few of them I decided to start responding. This is the latest.  

The impostor “me” has been invited to a very charming weddings, but I’m the one that has to respond to the invitation.

Subject: Wedding Matters

Friends,

D and I hope this email finds you well and in good spirits!  We are
writing to touch base regarding our upcoming wedding on May 24, 2008, and to
update you on a couple of things that are in the works.

Formal invitations, which have many of the details you’ll want to know
about, will go out by April 1st, so you should be getting those within the
next couple of weeks.  Regarding accommodations – we have contracted with
several hotels in San Francisco for special event rates.  However, in order
to take advantage of these rates, reservations need to be make within a
month of the event (i.e. the deadline is April 24, 2008 for most places).
Coincident with accommodations come travel plans, and with today’s uncertain
and frequent fluctuations in fuel prices and airline fares, planning ahead
is the way to go.  Thus we urge you to take advantage of the lower fares
which you’ll get further out from the dates that you would like to be in SF.
Finally, give some thought to the time you’ll be spending here and, if you
haven’t been to the Bay Area before or didn’t think you spent enough time
here the last time you came, think about all the awesome things this part of
the country has to offer and perhaps come and stay a few extra days!

If you haven’t already checked it out, our wedding website has a wealth of
information regarding all of the above, including recommendations for
activities, restaurants, and details regarding travel and accommodations, as
well as some other juicy tidbits http://www.mywedding.comXXXXXXXXXX

Please feel free to call or email with questions.  We welcome all inquiries
and very much look forward to seeing you all in the very near future!!  62
days to go!

D & A

Only 62 days!?!?!?!?!?. I have so much to do and I need to find a dress to wear!!! I need to know so much before I can show up. I had better ask a few questions.

Subject: So you finally got your sister to agree…

Dear Skeeter,

Clem an I would be overjoyed to come to your marrying day in May.

However I do have some questions I need to ask so I know what clothes to wear and what ball-gag to bring.

1. At what time will the Monster Trucks be bringing the kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer? You’ve got to be careful with those Pabst kegs, cheep beer can explode when shaken.

2. Why the heck are you only serving us Pabst beers you tight wad?

3. Are Hookers allowed on the grounds? In other words will you be having some there or is it up to us to bring them ourselves?

4. What color under-drawers are you wearing that day? Sorry to ask but Clem needs to know for the sacrifice ceremony. Splatter guards can be put up if you are wearing whitey-tighties.

5. Do you like pig anus fritters? Sally-May-Junebug-Jitterpop-Clementine could whip-up some anus fritters to bring if you want. Please give us a good weeks notice, this dish does take some time to prepare,  pig anus don’t be growing on no trees you know.

6. Will there be a public groping tent? Those are a hoot and I personally don’t think that any wedding or 8th birthday party should be held without a groping tent.

7. Do we need to keep our mentally disabled relatives on a leash? Or is it OK to let them just roam and relieve themselves wherever they see fit. If I has to keep an eye on mine, I just may leave her home with the dog.

What number comes after 7?

9. Will the Winne Dixie and the Jug hollering band be there? Those boys are really good. I love their tune, “I will be lovin my girl like she was my sister tonight”.

10. Do you have a sister… Besides the one you is marrying?

Can’t wait to see you then. Got to go and throw things at old people for a while.

Love and kisses

Ervin.

Boy Howdy I really hope it’s an outdoor wedding, I’d really like to wear that pink strapless number I have. I don’t know if you noticed but they left a web link to their wedding web page. Of course I altered it so you freaks could not go there and harass them. But I did go there and RSVP.

Take a look.

Click on photo for better look

 

I’m just waiting to hear back from the happy couple. 

Ervin Shlopnick Receives A Death Threat Email

Hey kids,

It appears that I have been marked for death. Never would have thought that it would have come via email, but with all the technology we have today, I guess it was inevitable.  I decided that I must reply to my killer and let him know how thrilled I was to be assassinated.  So as my last act of the living, I’m posting the email death threat I just received and the response I sent back. I hope you enjoy them 

The Death Threat

Subject: You must read this immediately

“I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don’t comply. As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don’t have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that. Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information’s we needed about you”.

“So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since their findings shows that you are innocent. I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn’t tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you”.

“Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE?”

“As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, $15,000 is all you need to spend You will first of all pay $8,000 then I will send a tape to you which i receded every discussion i hade with the person who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the tape, you will pay the remaining $7,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up”.

“WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW.REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD!

“I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY. DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 8:PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF MY DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION”.

“GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY”.

S

I must admit that I’m really touched that someone would go through all of this for little ole me.

My reply

Subject: Would you like a succulent ham?

Dear Very Sorry For You,

 

Thank you so very much for this opportunity to live. Next to barnyard porn, living is my most favorite thing in life. I believe that without living, life would not hold much value. And for someone who has been hired to end my living, to give me a second chance to go on living…. You sir are a saint.

 

I must also say that I am flattered that someone out there has thought of me enough to want me dead. Wow, what a compliment! And to pay $15,000 to have someone they don’t know to kill a friend (me)…. Golly it brings a tear to my eye. You never really know how much you are loved until someone wants you dead.

 

It’s almost a shame that paying you will lay to waist someone’s long term planning at having me terminated. I mean they must want me dead for a good reason. And who am I to say that they are incorrect in their thinking. This person may be a much smarter person than I and knows what’s best for me. They may know that death for me is the best choice I could make at this point of my life. But I am unable (or unwilling) to see this and will not end my life on my own. So for my own good they have hired you to end my life for me, thus helping me out.

 

I guess the best plan of action then would be to allow you to kill me at your earliest convenience so that all parties involved can get on with their lives. So where and how would you like to do this? Do you want to come into my home and brutally beat me with a baseball bat? All I ask is that you don’t sodomize me with the bat before doing so. I’m not really into that sort of thing and that would take all the joy out of being beaten to death I think.

 

Hey, you could always come over to my house and we could discuss this. We could plan out my death to be a spectacle for all to see and remember for sometime to come. How about I have my wife put a succulent ham in the oven tonight and you show up about 7ish. That way she can meet the man that will soon make her a widow… Oh and you can meet my soon to be orphaned children too. Boy howdy this will be a swell ole time.

 

Until then, I’ll be counting the blood soaked moments until we meet.

 

XOXO

Ervin Shlopnick.

 

I am sitting at my PC smoking a cigarette and wearing a blindfold…

To be continued? 

Ervin Shlopnick’s Inbox: Emails from God and Severed Heads

Do you have that one friend?

You know the one I’m talking about, the guy or girl that has to send you those awful,

“Forward this email to 600 other people in the next 6 seconds or your dick will fall off”.

I fucking hate those; normally I just delete them and put that friend in my SPAM filter. But for some reason this email I just received has peaked my interest. I’m not really sure why… Take a look at it and see what you think.

If I could sit on the porch with God, the first thing I would do is thank him for you….
Read the bottom and see how it works.

Click on the photo for a better look.

Try this! … it really works.    If you take this e-mail and forward it to at least 5 people, including the person that sent it to you, a person will appear standing on this bridge Let me know if you know the person?     OKAY!

Hmmmmm, all it takes is for me to forward this to five victims friends and I get to see who is in the picture. Is this person the same for everybody? Or does God specifically pick who I deserve to see. Well let’s find out…

Ok , hmmmmm, I pick you…. And you… oh this person is a sucker for this shit… I’ll send it to you … and you….and even you.

There, I have sent this email out to 5 or so people so now all I have to do is stare at the picture and see who is on the bridge……

Oh well God bless, there is someone in the picture….

Click on the photo for a better look.

But wouldn’t the severed heads count as three people?