We Salute You, Black Bartender

There is a guy out there, an actor-slash-dancer, who deserves some serious recognition.  I wish I knew his name; sadly all I know about him is that he dances in Rick Astley’s timeless classic Never Gonna Give You Up music video.

Here he is at the beginning of the video; he’s really getting down with the song.

Over on Wikipedia, here’s what they say about him:

In the music video, Astley sings and dances to the song in various venues, sometimes interlaced with backup dancers. A bartender has a notable presence in the video, as his behavior gradually shifts from casually noticing Astley’s singing to being fully engrossed in the song with energetic acrobatic moves. Venues range from a restaurant to several outdoor areas.

Oh how I wish I knew this fellas name so we could give him the proper recognition he deserves.  If anyone knows, let us know!

Here’s the music video for your viewing pleasure.

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick (Rectal Itch Charlie)

If the creators of the Care Bears came up with a new character and called it “Rectal Itch Charlie” and he looked liked THIS.

I’m not sure the entire product line would be as appealing to children as it is now. Sometimes it’s a good thing to not improve on the original.

Being Sick

Question: Do you know what the greatest thing about being sick is (besides not having to go to work)?

Answer: Knowing that your mouth looks like this:

Life truly becomes meaningless when you feel this bad.  Even the mere thought of having the house to yourself so that you could potentially play video games all damn day long doesn’t even sound appealing.

Simply getting out of bed to piss causes earthquakes and volcanoes to simultaneously erupt in spectacular fashion in your head.

When the phones rings, it’s bad enough … however, when your caller id says “FLORIDA” as the caller, you get extra-pissed that you even got out of bed to look to see who was bothering you.

Caller (Indian voice): Hi there, this is Nancy calling from Citi Credit … is <my name> there?
Me: Go fuck yourself and take me off your list.
Caller (still talking as I told her to go fuck herself): We have a fabulous offer for credit card users to transfer their higher interest rate cards to Citi … CLICK!

Vital necessities, such as water and bread, are impossible to squeeze past through raw throat.  Swallowing is impossible.  Yelling at the dog to shut the fuck up when the garbage men come is excruciatingly painful.

Having to take crap from coworkers who DIDN’T get the free flu shot at work is equally painful.  Although, there is some sense of relief when you find out your ailment isn’t the flu, but it doesn’t help that it feels like the flu, only worse.

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Love at First Sight

I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on her.

I had to have her….

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – The Perfect X-Mas Tree

 Click on picture for better look

The beauty of it brings a tear to my eye.

blstern Impostor Email Volume #7 (Dentist Visit)

The fake blstern is apparently having trouble with his teeth and so his dentist sent him me an email. Of course I had to respond to it.

Hi Blstern:

Dr. Solomon cut you a package deal at the time because he thought he would be doing your implants and your fixed bridge. I don’t do implants so I felt it was fine to let him do that work. When I was looking at your X-Rays I realized the only really good teeth left in your mouth were those that I have done fixed bridges or crowns on a decade ago or so. As your friend of over a half century I want to be the one responsible for your fixed bridge in the front so that I will feel confident that they will bury you with your own teeth. This in no way denigrates Dr. Solomon’s bridgework. He hasn’t been in the office long enough for me to know for sure about the quality of his bridgework. I have seen his implants and I was very impressed. The only thing I do know for sure is that I do incomparable bridgework.

I personally have more work than I can handle. I am not looking for another case. It is only for your sake that I am proposing to do the bridge. I have not intervened in any other case even when he is starting cases on patients that I have been working on for over a decade. I have spoken to Dr. Solomon about this. If you are able to pay cash for some of your case I can work it out with him that I do your bridge because in this way he will be compensated for the special deal he cut for you.

Most importantly I want to do what you want to do. If paying some cash is an imposition please let me know. If you are OK with him doing your fixed bridge as well as the implant please let me know that as well and I will stand down. Your next visit relates to the implant only so you have time to make your decision. I just wanted to give you a heads-up on this dynamic. You can e-mail me or we can talk on December 4th at your next visit although sometimes it is hard for me to get free.

Love,

r

Did his dentist really finish his email with “LOVE”? Well I had better reply in kind.

Dearest Sweet R,

Thank you for the email, but I’m afraid that you may have misunderstood what I needed. I did ask for you to look at a cavity but not the one that you are thinking of. I have some very serious rectal warts that are just killing me and I need someone to get in there and destroy those little bastards. I understand that your schooling is in Dentistry, but there really should not be that much difference between the two. We are only talk a distance of three feet south of where you normally work. You should be able to use all the same lingo that you normally do, like:

Open wide
Spit
I need to get my finger in there

Plus I’m sure my breath should be the same to what you are used to.
So what do you say, could you help out an old friend and fellow Skippy the Love Beaver club member?

I’d also like to talk to you about worshiping the moon god of blood and silly string. We could do this while you are working on my butt.

So how are you and the family? How are the kids? How many are you up to now? I know of:

Clem
Juetter
Skirvy Joe
Billy Bob Mary Joe Clementine
Skeeter
Rufus
Bug Face
Squirmy
Poops Alot
Milk Man’s Kid
Number #10
Open Soars
Gary

Did I miss any? Give them all my love and an extra pound of whale blubber for X-mas from me.

Well I must go now, I’m visiting the urinal cake museum today. And then I’m going to rout through garbage cans for our meal tonight. See yah then.

Love and kisses

Blstern

I hope he can help me with my butt warts.

I just like saying that…  “B U T T W A R T S”.

Hot Lards Foray into Yahoo Answers Part #11 (Girls Only)

This next question and answer session proves that Dr. Sholpnick is not limited by any type of boundaries. This question was asked by a girl and she wanted answers from the weaker sex only. As you will see, The Dr is in and is taking all patients.

But on this series, we are making it a little harder for you to figure out what the Ervin Sholpnick educated answer is. All the avatars for each answer has been removed. Can you find the correct answer? Of course we mean the Sholpnick answer.

Have you figured out the best (Ervin Sholpnick) answer. Here’s a hint. It has half of the votes for best answer.

Best non-Shlopnick answer…

Not often is the DR. upstaged on an answer. But the following was so…… well? It is defiantly a qualifier for the TMI award.

Ummmmmm, thanks…. I guess.

To see our other forays, click here

Hot Lards Foray into Yahoo Answers Part #10 (Best Answer)

Finally someone on Yahoo Answers gets it. Dr. Sholpnick finally gets rewarded for all his hard work.

Three thumbs down and still a best answer.

See our other forays here

Hot Lards Foray into Yahoo Answers Part #9 (Favors)

Do you find it hard to ask someone for a favor? Or are you uncomfortable with someone asking you a favor? What types of favors would you say are to over the line or out of bounce? This young lady wanted to know that exact same thing and Dr. Sholpnick was more than happy to help her out.

First, let’s look at some of the answers that were given by the retards less knowledgeable general public.

OK young lady, here are a few favors I’m sure most (But not me) folk would find objectionable.

Would you believe that my response was removed for this forum in less than 5 minutes. Some people just don’t want good help, even when they ask for it.

To see our other forays, click here

blstern’s last post

I like beans