Descent Into Darkness – Conclusion

The first part of the story, Descent Into Darkness

I’m not sure whether it was the light from the torch or my screaming that startled the creature, because that is how it appeared to me, it was more scared of me, than I was of it. The figure before me was only vaguely humanoid in its appearance, it wasn’t a pretty sight, torn pieces of flesh were hanging off almost as if someone had tried to put it through a mincer, I shuddered at the thought.

Then it started to growl and it dawned on me that it was out of pain, nothing threatening about it at all. As I stepped out of the elevator, the creature turned and fled at such speed it was nothing more than a blur. Completely at a loss to explain what I’d seen, or how I ended up here, I decided that I would try and find where the creature had gone. It had obviously provided me with a torch for a reason.

Shining the torch around, I pretty soon realised I wasn’t in a cave or an old mine, this place was man-made, and I use that term loosely, because what little I could see by the light of the torch, looked decidely alien to me. I looked at the torch, there was nothing alien about that, it was standard military issue…aliens, military…was this one of the Underground Bases I’d heard so much about? There was only one way to find out, without a moments hesitation I headed down the corridor in the direction the creature had disappeared.

After some ten minutes, maybe longer, it was easy to lose track of time in the dark, the corridor opened out into a room, it was hard to see how large it was, the torch had a limited range, the beam illuminated very little, but as I turned round, the creature appeared in the light, it was standing next to a control panel of some kind. I walked over to join him, I’d decided to assign a gender as thinking of him as an it didn’t seem right, and made him less of a creature and more of a being, an alien. He pointed to the panel, then to my hand, looking closely at the panel it was covered in strange symbols, nothing I could understand, neither did I understand what the alien wanted of me. He held his hand up flat then pointed to the panel again.

“You want me to put my hand on the panel? Why? What will happen?”

I sensed the alien was getting agitated, so with a resigned sigh, I placed my hand on the panel, and held my breath.

When lights started to come on around the room I almost laughed, all he’d wanted me to do was switch the power on, though I almost wish I hadn’t because I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. It was a vast room and along the walls were large tubes, I assumed some kind of glass, and in each one, an alien seemingly asleep, they must be stasis units, now I needed some answers. As I turned to face the alien there was an ear-splitting screech, I thought it would make my ears bleed.

“Sorry, translator not used for a long time…” The alien looked at me in a sort of alien apologetic way. It was then I noticed that one of the stasis tubes was broken, only a small opening, but there were pieces of flesh stuck to the edges, I quickly concluded that for whatever reason, this alien had fought to get out, hence his appearance, it must have been one hell of a fight.

“Time is short, I will explain” I nodded, eager to hear what he had to say, he continued. “We came here as observers, to help humans evolve, to share our technology, but humans were not ready, so we slept and waited. Then they discovered us, there was a secret base above here, they drilled down at first, then extended the shaft, but they never even worked out how to turn the lights on”

I wasn’t sure if it was the translation device not working correctly, or if the alien just wasn’t making any sense. “Who is they?”

“They wandered around, got very frustrated, then left and never came back, and now you are here”

“Will you please tell me who they are? If you were in stasis, how did you know they were here? I need more details…”

“You are not ready, not awake, one day you will have all the answers, wrong time”

“I want answers now, I presume that somehow you bought me down here, you wanted me to see all this…wait a minute…if I was able to activate the power, why couldn’t they?”

The alien grabbed hold of my hand tightly. “Because you are one of us” There was a blinding flash of light, then nothing but darkness.

With a jolt I woke up and found myself sitting at my desk, it took me a moment to get myself together, had I just dozed off and had a weird dream, only one way to find out. I ran over to the elevator, stepped inside and pressed the ‘down’ button, nothing happened, I looked around feeling dazed as the memory of ‘the dream’ started to fade and I wondered what I was doing in the elevator.

Pouring myself a cup of coffee I returned to my office, there in the middle of my desk lay a standard military issue torch.
by Shana

Descent Into Darkness

The day started like any other, I arrived at the shack and with much less trepidation than on my first day, stepped into the elevator. Unlike most elevators this one only has two buttons, one to go down, one to go up, after all the only place it has to go to is the control hub of Hot Lard HQ.

So when the elevator didn’t descend with its usual speed but instead juddered and shook, I was more surprised than concerned, especially as with a sudden lurch, it picked up speed. I just assumed it was because it was rarely used and had probably never been serviced. Then the lights started to flicker, and in that instant, all my fears about elevators surfaced.

Once on vacation I’d got stuck in an elevator, it repeatedly went up and down between floors refusing to stop and release me from its evil clutches. After some 30 minutes, which to me seemed like an eternity, it stopped with a thud on the ground floor and I staggered out, to find the hotel manager waiting with a large glass of whisky, I needed it.

Thankfully on this occasion, the elevator stopped with its reassuring thud, I took a deep breath, now more desperate then usual for my morning coffee. I moved forward as the doors slowly opened, only to stop dead in my tracks, everywhere was in darkness, the light from the elevator only illuminated the immediate area, nothing beyond, but I knew in an instant that I was not in the control hub.

Peering out into the dark, there was a strange musty smell of decay, whatever this place was, it was very old. I decided to do some research when I got to my office, and turning to the control panel, pressed the ‘up’ button…nothing happened…I pressed it repeatedly, thumped it…nothing, the elevator was not moving, and there was no emergency button to press to call for help either. Not as though that would have helped, there was no one else in HQ to answer the call.

Now in the movies there is always a trap door in the ceiling you can climb out of, and somehow make your way up to another floor. I could see several problems with this, mainly this was not the movies and glancing up at the ceiling, there wasn’t a trapdoor either, also I had no idea just how deep underground I was.

Hearing a strange rustling sound from the darkness, I stepped back trying to calm my pounding heart, and waited for the door to shut, it stayed open. I’m usually pretty fearless and if it hadn’t been for my hatred of elevators, I’d be coping with this situation far better than I was.

There was a light thud and the sound of something moving across the ground towards the elevator, I held my breath as a torch slowly rolled towards my feet, my nervous reaction was to laugh and call out into the darkness.

“Alright who ever is out there, show yourself, this joke has gone far enough…”

From the depths of the darkness I heard a low rumbling growl, and a new smell assailed my senses…rotting flesh. I put my hand over my nose but the stench was too strong. As the rumbling growl got closer, I pressed myself against the back wall of the elevator, trying to convince myself that any moment now the doors would close and within seconds I’d find myself in my nice cosy office.

It didn’t happen.

As the elevator light flickered, I leapt forward and grabbed the torch, knowing that at any moment I was going to be plunged into darkness, I flicked the switch on the torch just as the elevator light died, and wished I hadn’t, because as the beam from the torch shone out into the darkness…all I could do was scream.

to be continued…

by Shana

Hot Lard Flashback – Attack of the John Holmes Robots

Hey…………. sigh………… yeah, it’s me……… still not being funny………. oh hum………

Nothing is funny…. Life is just one big serious glob of serious….. ness……….. sigh


Well, here is an old post of mine back when I was funny…… I was too!!!!

I WAS TOO!!!!!!

Anywho…. This is a quick movie I did staring Rainbow Bright & Friends. It is a heart warming story of adventure, friendship, & good manners. With a surprise ending that no one saw coming, but everyone felt a little more alive inside for experiencing it.

Before you say, “Awwwwwww Cute”… It was a porno.

Click Here and Enjoy!!!

Hot Lard Flashback – A Pony for my Daughters Birthday

Here is another post I did back in the 2007 – 2008 time frame. I’m particularly proud of this one, because I posted it on Yahoo Answers and asked folks if I did the right thing getting my daughter a pony for her birthday. After reading it…. AND TAKING IT SERIOUSLY!!! People went ape shit with their replies. The one I picked as the “Best Answer” was classic, and reaffirmed my belief that you did not need the be a member of MENSA to give advise on Yahoo Answers.  I wish I could show you the responses I got on Yahoo, but…. my account sort of got suspended shortly after that.6ku1oye2 I logged on to Yahoo Answers this last weekend and my account is still suspended…. Some 5 years later.

Click here to be taken to the 2009 reposting of this wonderfully heart warming story of a man and his quest to get his daughter the one thing that she wanted most for her birthday

… Oh and there’s a mention of cream corn wrestling in it also, I think.


(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib #10 (Midget Porn)

Back when Hot Lard was first started, I can remember one day I was looking through the site stats and happened across the “Search Terms” people used to find our site. Being new to the whole blogging thing, I was unsure how they worked. Someone on the staff was kind enough to let me know, that these terms are the actual words that actual people, actually typed into their computers to describe what they actually wanted to view on their monitors……  It was that day that I lost all faith in humanity.

As I went through the list, my head started to pound and few times I believe I may have lost conciseness. I felt dirty and lost the will to live. How could our world… My world, be filled with such sleaze & vermin. It all came crashing down on me when I realized that these sick and vile terms actually outnumbered the normal search terms such as…. Kitty… or Happy Happy Bunny Love…. Or Blue Berry Muffins made by a Nun.if7rxd

The one term that caught my eye immediately was “Midget Porn”. I remember thinking to myself, “How the hell did someone find this site with a search term of Midget Porn????” That is such a specific subject that I had not written any such post for. Plus we sure as hell did not display any midget porn…. At least I think we didn’t….  Anywho, how the hell did the Lord and Overseer of the Internet direct these runny nosed, mouth breathers that get off on height challenged individuals erotica to my little slice of heaven?

What was I to do? How could I fight this sickness and drive it away from our happy little world of Hot Lard?????? I had to fight this, I had to fight off these evil hairball goblins before they gave my site….MY WORK as bad name……..Or maybe…. I could go over to the dark side and play to their sickness to get mucho, mucho hits for my site. And that is exactly what I did. I created a character named “Midget Porn” who would star in Mad Lib posts that used these very search terms that the sick and mental deficient used to find this blog. How else do you think I got over a million hits?

And that is what I present to you today…. An all new Hot Lard Midget Porn Mad Lib. It has been a good 3 to 4 years since I last did one of these, so I was a little nervous that maybe after all this time, the search terms would not have the same “Shock & Awe” they once had. But humanity did not let me down. You are all still the same sick, Pedo-rific, panty sniffers we all fear and have restraining orders on.

How this works is, the BOLD words of love and joy are the ones you monkey spankers have come up with.  In other words, the BOLD words are the things you… YES YOU, wanted to see on the internet!!!!!

So, as you read through this and get digusted.  Just remember…. You sick fucks wrote this, not me!!!

The Return of Midget Porn


Midget Porn and his friends were sitting around one day watching retard porn & nips slips in a 10 lb box of rape, when suddenly Corn Shits the naked hooker came running in with her lesbian sports girl carrying on about anal itching & Star Trek porn. She said that Dog Blowjob the evil female midget with animals was hunting down all the midget ass masters with her anal-intruder-2600 and putting them into lazy town porn.lego1rfdrl_th

Midget Porn knew he had to stop midgets farting with a finger in the ass before the sexy hot porn girl got an anal bottle rocket. To do this he enlisted the help of an ugly russian whore to tell anal sex stories to the hairy boobs clan of the smelly ass valley. Anal fat, the town super tard passed this information on to the slutty females of the sore ass tribe. They in turn drove their american motors car to see the midget guy in diapers to let him know of the impending butt sex fail.


Once their forces had gathered, the tattoo of the year monkey cried out, “i fucked my daughter’s hot friend and now i want to fuck shawn Johnson”! A topless hilary duff was holding onto some hot Zelda porn and showed it to her topless sister. Some kissing hotties had trapped some gymnastic lesbians and forced them to blowjob “pamela anderson” with lard ass dudes.


When it was all finished they sat down to watched flashing people videos and passed around olsen twins naked pictures that they found on while sharing corn shits with the carpet munchers and the original care bears. They had finally solved the centuries old mystery, is there lard in dairy queen ice cream. What a better way to celebrate their great victor than with a midget happy birthday porn party and a bj in front of audience.


The ass ravage End

Well, there you go… told you it was shocking. I’m sure we all just died a little bit inside. But as I said, I’m only letting you view what you had written. My hands are clean. Oh, BTW… To those of you that will do an internet search on after reading this…  May God have mercy on your souls.

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – A Father & Son

I had my last child later in life. I was nearly 40 when he was born and I am 48 today. I still enjoy doing all the things a father does with his son… Teaching him to ride a bike, going fishing, playing baseball, and skipping rocks. At times I wish I’d had him earlier in life, so my stamina would be more apt to keep up with him. But, I do the best that I can… When he is a senior in high school, I’ll be 59. I’m not sure if I will be able to keep up at all then… But he will be 18, and can legally view porn…. And that is something we can do sitting down.h73FF8FDB