With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476) I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.
So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.
So without further ado…
Just in time for Breakfast
It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.
The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.
The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q
Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.
But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.
Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!
Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.
Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”
So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….
Ask your mom…
Ask your Dad…
Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…
Mug your Grandma…
Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.
So after spending millions of dollars of the tax payers money to fly his Commander and Chieflyness, her first lady likeness and the Oprah-nator to some third-world shit-hole so they could suck up to the IOC to get the Olympics (YAWN!) in Chicago…. It goes to Rio.
That was money well spent. We didn’t even finish in the top two spots!!! Hell, they could have sent me, a sex starved midget with genital warts, and a one legged Asian hooker with turrets and we could have gotten the same results for a lot less money.
On second thought, from what I know of the IOC, my group may have won the bid.
What was the deciding factor that lost is for us??? Oprah wouldn’t give the chairman of the IOC anal. Dammit Oprah… Take one for the team!!!!
Who the fuck forgot to bring the Pepperidge Farm Cookies, the Wesson oil, and child prostitute for the IOC board?!?!?!?!?!?
Ahhhhhhhhhh….. it’s OK, nobody in this country really gives a rats ass about the Olympics anyway… They’re about as gay as Soccer… About.
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