Proof the “Five Second Rule” Works

If you can’t believe scientific fact… Then what can you believe?

O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Mr Positive – 9/24/2010

Mr Positive says… “Rocks are harder than feathers because rocks are made from a rock like substance, where feathers are made from stuff that can make you fly. If I had to kill a cyclopes who has a runny nose and no pants… I’d go with the rock as my weapon of choice…… But would keep some feathers handy in case I had to fall back, fly away and fight another day”.

We’re Away…

Click picture

About Mr. Positive.

I’m sure you’re all wondering what the hell all the “Mr. Positive” posts are about?

Well you see, the attitude around the Hot Lard offices has been really shitty lately… (Geesh, you seduce one employees cat and the hole fucking office goes ape shit)

So I’ve decide to help the companies morale by placing these motivational posters in everyone’s torture chamber… errrrrrrrrrrr I mean cubicles.

And it seems to be working. Office drive by shootings are down .25% and it appears that only the weak are committing suicide again.

It feels really nice to do good things for your livestock… errrrrrrrrr I mean employees.

To see what posters I have hung so far, click here

My Interview with the Pakistani Spectator

Beings Hot Lard has become the most popular site on the internet and cable TV; I have received several requests for interviews. People want to know everything from the secret of my success to the size of my colostomy bag. Beings I’m a recluse I normal turn down these offers of letting the world into my private life. But that all changed when the Pakistani Spectator came a callin’.You don’t get much bigger than this, Larry King can kiss my ass I have an appointment with the PS. (That is what their interviewees call them) Below you will see the request I received from this distinguished news journal and the following replies and eventual interview.

Plus a big Surprise at the end!!!

The Request

Interview Request

Hello Dear and Respected,
I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Internet surfers. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan in the world. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the webosphere. Our aim is to foster peace, progress and harmony with passion.

We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable passionate bloggers, writers, and webmasters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you don’t mind. Please send us your approval for your interview at my email address “ghazala.khi at gmail.com”, so that I could send you the Interview questions. We would be extremely grateful.

regards.

Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com

My Acceptance to their fine offer

Let the interviewing begin baby!!!

Ervin

The Interview Questions

Dear , thanks a lot for your consent. Here are the questions for the interview. Please also send us a brief bio of yourself, and url of your site.  Please send the answers at your earliest convenience.

Here are the questions:
Would you please tell us something about you and your site?
Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?
I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?
What do you do in order to keep up your communication with other bloggers?
What do you think is the most exciting or most innovative use of technology in politics right now?
Do you think that these new technologies are effective in making people more responsive?
What do you think sets Your site apart from others?
If you could choose one characteristic you have that brought you success in life, what would it be?
What was the happiest and gloomiest moment of your life?
Do you think [the use of Twitter and other social networking tools by politicians] is bandwagon jumping or what?

If you could pick a travel destination, anywhere in the world, with no worries about how it’s
paid for – what would your top 3 choices be?
What is your favorite book and why?
What’s the first thing you notice about a person (whether you know them or not)?
Is there anyone from your past that once told you you couldn’t write?
How bloggers can benefit from blogs financially?
Is it true that who has a successful blog has an awful lot of time on their hands?
What are your thoughts on corporate blogs and what do you think the biggest advantages and disadvantages are?
What role can bloggers of the world play to make this world more friendlier and less hostile?
Who are your top five favourite bloggers?
Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?
What is your perception about Pakistan and its people?
Have you ever become stunned by the uniqueness of any blogger?
What is the most striking difference between a developed country and a developing country?
What is the future of blogging?

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?
What are your future plans?
Any Message you want to give to the readers of The Pakistani Spectator?

regards,
Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com

My truthful answers to their inquiries

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

After making millions in Barn Yard porn, I grew tired of the same routine and decided to branch out. My first attempt at blogging was a site called, “Cat Hook-Up”. This site was dedicated to cat dating. It was there to help shy cats meet other cats in hopes that they may find a life mate. The problem I had with this site was that rampaging gay cats were trolling the site looking for single and confused kittens that they could pray upon. So I shut down the site and started and new one called, “My Grandmother is a Cheap Whore”. I soon found out that a lot of states have laws that prevented people from viewing the photos I provide of my grandmother and me. So I moved onto working on a site called, “Recycled Food”, but it turned out to be a real crappy site. So I then started a blog called, “Check out what I did to your sister”, I had to change my name and identity after that one. As of this date I’m still receiving death threats. Finally I created Hot Lard and most recently Demotivational Minds. They pretty much suck, but they are legal and I don’t get as much hate mail.
Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

What I find growing the longer I write is the pain in my hands. There are times I will work on a sentence for 6 to 8 hours and my hands will cramp something fierce. Normally I can relieve this pain by beating my dog and sacrificing its severed head to “Gorlox” the evil spork god of the underworld. Then I get back to writing my children stories and feel just find.
I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

There was this time in Thailand; I was with two teenage hookers, a crack addict, a rabbit with distemper, three unshaven midget wrestlers, four disco coke heads with a box of raisins, one illegal alien from Jupiter, a 11 toed foreign exchange student with turrets, a sticky mitten, 14 bags of walnuts, three colostomy bags , 44 sticks of dynamite, A cow that could do tricks, and an East German paranoid mute with bad breath…. I think we wrote a story about a fish.
What do you do in order to keep up your communication with other bloggers?

Blackmail
What do you think is the most exciting or most innovative use of technology in politics right now?

The anal intruder 3000.
Do you think that these new technologies are effective in making people more responsive?

Have you ever had your anal intruded by a power tool running at 7500 RPM and 240 volts AC? You’d be pretty responsive to just about anything.
What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

Each day I bake a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and lay them out on the home page for my visitors to eat. If you don’t like cookies I also offer teenage Russian hookers.
If you could choose one characteristic you have that brought you success in life, what would it be?

I can blow bubbles with my anus.
What was the happiest and gloomiest moment of your life?

My happiest moment was watching the creation of my first anus bubble. It was a majestic site, a grand bubble, brown in color. The gloomiest moment was 13 seconds later when that bubble popped just inches from my nose.
Do you think [the use of Twitter and other social networking tools by politicians] is bandwagon jumping or what?

I was twittered once by my priest, he promised me a candy bar if I let him twitter me and the bastard never came through. I really miss that candy bar. I thought the church cleaned that up. If politicians are twittering young boys now, I think it should be stopped. Unless they come through with their candy promise.

If you could pick a travel destination, anywhere in the world, with no worries about how it’s paid for – what would your top 3 choices be?

Any place but Pakistan, talk about a real dump! I would rather have my balls cut off and fed to me than go to Pakistan and have to breathe one breath of their urine filled air.
What is your favorite book and why?

“1001 Anal Intrusions” It’s just a story I can really get into.
What’s the first thing you notice about a person (whether you know them or not)?

Whether that have boobs or not. I prefer the ones with boobs.
Is there anyone from your past that once told you couldn’t write?

Yes, it was because I never learned how to read or write. I refuse to write about it.
How bloggers can benefit from blogs financially?

Ask a good friend over for some drinks and dinner. When they are not looking place a knockout drug in there food and wait until they pass out. Then take pictures of them having sex with a Great Dane or Llama and threaten them that you are going to put them on your blog unless they pay you great sums of money. Or make them have sex with you, if you are a sicko and like that sort of thing.
Is it true that who has a successful blog has an awful lot of time on their hands?

I have a lot of hair on my palms, so I must ne a very good blogger. I’m nearly blind too… Wonder what that means???
What are your thoughts on corporate blogs and what do you think the biggest advantages and disadvantages are?

I think that some corporate blogs are necessary. Anything that has to do with anal wart cream and colostomy bags should be blogged.
What role can bloggers of the world play to make this world more friendlier and less hostile?

Kill anyone who does not agree with you. I believe that would alleviate a lot of arguing.
Who are your top five favourite bloggers?

Touch me there

Pull my Finger again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Animals need human loving too

Two girls’ one cup

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

I would have to say it was my post on the true love I have for Soccer. I can not get enough of that sport. You can check it out here.

https://hotlard.wordpress.com/2008/03/09/demotivational-posters-volume-8-i-hate-soccer/
What is your perception about Pakistan and its people?

You do really good sheep porn there.
Have you ever become stunned by the uniqueness of any blogger?

Are you stunned yet?
What is the most striking difference between a developed country and a developing country?

The smell of urine is everywhere in undeveloped countries. Sometimes I wish we could be more like that here.
What is the future of blogging?

Fart jokes.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

I’m sleeping with a lot more pre-teens now.
What are your future plans?

Take a dump and then watch barnyard porn. Probably beat off and fall asleep.
Any Message you want to give to the readers of The Pakistani Spectator?

Remember to always brush your teeth (or in your case tooth) and wipe your ass. Make sure that you never buy rotten camel meat at the market. The boogie man is real and is defiantly out to get you. You can not carry 12 British nuns on your back. Cat poop will cure cancer. My left nut can speak Portuguese. And always do what your mother says… Unless she is a she-devil and has sex with a talking mule named Roberto.

God Bless Mexico!!!

Now here is the best part… They actually posted it!!!!!

Dear and respected Blstern, you might be stunned that I am so glad to inform your that we have published your fine interview. I hope that it benefits you, us and the whole of blogosphere. Would you please be kind enough to mention your interview at your blog for your readers?

We would also like to exchange a link with you in the blogroll please. If you approve, please let us know so that we  could include your link in our blogroll.

If you would like to introduce us some bloggers, whom we should interview, then please let us know their emails or blog address.

Please stay in touch, and guide us in our blogging journey. We really need your consistent and continuous guidance and support.

Thanks a lot from the roots of heart.

best regards,

– Hide quoted text –

Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com

Here is a screen shot of the page.

Just click on the screen shot to be taken to the site.

I’m so happy that I can be a guiding light for other aspiring journalist.

Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Brush Your Teeth

Suddenly I have this uncontrollable urge to brush my teeth…

Nude…

With a sock puppet…

And donkey wearing a dress…

And a 55 gallon drum of motor oil…

And three nude Japanese hookers with whip crème on their elbows…

And midget who has two all you can eat coupons to Stuckey’s…

And a marginally retarded gopher with a soccer ball up its ass…

And a ….. Ah screw it, I’ll just beat off.

And think of monkeys

With pointy shoes and mustard.

A Hot Lard Educational Moment – Amelia Earhart and Zombies

A friend of my just started teaching and she sent out an email to some of her nearest and dearest friends (Why I was included I’ll never know)  to help her with an assignment she is creating for her kids. It had to do with Amelia Earhart and something with the chick movement back in the day. She wanted all of us to give her our input on the following question. 

Here is the email.

Hey Ya’ll

This is a brief, informal survey question that I would like you to answer for me to help with my “Between the Wars” homework. It’s one teeeennnyy question so if you could reply very soon it would be very much appreciated:

When you think of Amelia Earhart (assuming you indeed know who she is) do you think of someone who was crucial in the feminist movement as a heroine who broke male boundaries to fly planes or do you merely think a woman pilot who got lost in the Bermuda triangle? If you think of something else entirely please share.

Thanks in advance!

J

Being the big advocate I am on education stuff and all that other smart making things you do in… Ummmmm…. Skol   School. That’s it School. I felt I needed to get an answer out to her as quick as possible.

Here is my response.

Dear J.

Thank you for this opportunity to help shape the minds and guide the future of some of our American youth. I’d be glad to help you with this.

 My politically correct answer would be that she did help break down some barriers of the day, showing that women could not only fly but command a plane on long journeys. Her disappearance only adds to the mystic that was her story.

Personally I think she was lured to Zombie Island by a very succulent mince ham and tomato sandwich. It is here she patently waits for the day that all zombies will rise and feed on the living… Oh and get HBO.  But hey that’s just me.

Hope this helps

Ervin (So many brains I keep them in my pants) Shlopnick

” Mmmmmmm Brains”

It really makes me feel good to help our nations children when I can. I think I’ll go write a book or invent something right now… Well, after my nap maybe. 

blstern’s last post

I like beans