Ervin Shlopnock – I like Beans

The past 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds. PART#1

So, I know what you are thinking…

Is this really free fudge I have found in the back of my pants, and should I really be eating it?

But after that I’m sure you are thinking… Should I leave my pants on today while I ride the bus?

Then of course you will think about Jell-O Wrestling, Inter-species love making, and where you hid that body last night…

Finally, you should get around to wondering… What the hell happened to Hot Lard and its staff and what have they been doing for the last 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds.

What’s that….? You never once wondered that? Well then, fuck you! Get the hell out of here and go back to your Feminine Hygiene blog you pansy. For the rest of you, I’ll be happy to answer that question.

To start, the story is too long and sordid to just put it down in one post. So I’ll break it up in to many different posts to be able to give you as much information as possible… and give our lawyers as much time as they need to go over the information to prevent me from incriminating myself.

Of course, who am I fooling?  Hot Lard does not have lawyers any more. We don’t have any of the old staff or marketing team. The midget hookers have all gone on to bigger and better endeavors.  Or have all died from the tininess that has plagued them from the day they were born and finally ended their miserable tiny lives.

Hell, we don’t even have a front door anymore. After everyone left, the building was boarded up and sold to Hollywood Video to become their new headquarters. Now what the hell does Hollywood Video need with a cream corn wresting ring and a suicide pit? After they went under, I guess Hostess bought the place. That makes more sense to me; they would have much more use for the midget hooker yeast factory that we had out back.

Well anywho…  After they went belly up, the building sat vacant until one morning when I was going through someone else’s belongings and found a key. It was a key to the front door of Hot Lard.  It had been 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds, since I had last set foot in the building. I had thought about going back to see the old place several times in the past 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds. But I had lost my key and had no way to get in.

Now that I had a means to get back into my past; (Maybe the 16^th happiest time of my life… More like 17^th… Ok 18^th, No 20^th) I decided to leave my position as Amanda Bynes moral compass and hitchhike across the country to Scurvy Hills, Utah and the possibility of reliving my dream of becoming a millionaire by enslaving the Mormons and  forcing them to create egg carton art erotica. But alas… the truck driver that was giving me a ride, got pissed off because I refused to give him head for mileage, and dropped me off in fucking Iowa. Which just so happens to be the home of your favorite web site Hot Lard.

Standing there blankly looking at the building that held so many of my fondest memories; which included journalistic integrity and midget torture. I realized that I finally had a key to the place; and being the Mormon idea was out of the question, (unless I learned to swallow) I could start here again and maybe…. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust maybe… if I worked really, really hard… The Mormons would eventually have to bow down to me and call me master. But if not, I could always fall back on this blogging thing.

As I gleefully skipped up to the building… Yes, I gleefully skip, don’t you? I realized that the front door was missing. It appeared that it had been gone for a very long time… So the whole part about waiting to find the key was pretty much pointless I guess. Remember, I referred to the door being missing in the first part of this story dumbass….. So you should have known that the whole time you were reading about me finding the key was just an enormous waste of your time. But it did bring my word count up for this post and that is important.

Going through the building it was hard to recognize any thing. All the old Hot Lard amenities were gone.  (I’m going to use HL for Hot Lard for the rest of this story… What can I say, I’m lazy.)  Hostess had removed all the Demotivational posters we had hanging around the building. How the hell could they weed out the weak if you didn’t have constant reminders of what losers they were? Those posters kept our suicide signup sheet full… Another item they removed. They even converted the HL puke-a-torium into a kitchen to make the Twinkies.  Actually the Twinkie thing was pretty good. I hadn’t had anything to eat or any food offered to me in the past two days. (Unless you want to include the truck driver offering up his man-sausage) There were Twinkies lying all over the place, so I had a feast. Of course I caught and sacrificed and few rats to the evil squirrel god Gorrax first. A lot may have changed over these past 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds, but I had not lost my religion.

After eating and puking and then eating and puking… then I think I puked a little bit more… Just because it’s fun. Who doesn’t like to good puke, am I write? I then set out to explore the building. I was hoping to find anything that may have been left over from the old HL days.  As I trudged through this dark and desolate place it occurred to me that I had left the gas on at my apartment and everyone that slept there was probably dead now. And yes, I’ll admit… it did put a little smile on my face.

Everything was gone!!!! There was nothing, nothing at all left of the old HL. No computers, no servers, no Post-it note porn art.  I was truly bummed and starting to get a little mad… The anger started to grow and I knew that those damn dirty Mormons were going to pay dearly once I ruled over them.  And then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a weak glow coming from a broom closet. As I stared into the light, it became brighter and brighter until I had to shield my eyes or go blind.   I staggered over to the closet… Because I had been sniffing Head-rush the entire time I was in there and that affects my balance.

Once I got to the door (Yes there was a door there this time) I open it (No duh) and looked upon the treasures that waited for me inside. It was the Hot Lard Commodore 64 server and the file cabinet that we kept all the blackmail information we had on our employees.  With this, I could rebuild my kingdom, I could bring Hot Lard out of the grave and back to the prominence it once had. Once again Hot Lard would be the 6^th most important web sit on the Internet, I would be the 3^rd most powerful person on the Web… And those damn Mormons would tremble at the sound of my voice.

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And so that is where we are today. I have setup shop in the new HL office (The old Hostess broom closet) and plan on searching out the old staff to bring them back here, dead or alive.

So that’s it… That is how Hot Lard was started back up again. In the next few posts I’ll let you all know what has become of the old staff and what they have been doing for the past 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds.

I’ll also try to add some interesting photos from our adventures over the past 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds, just as soon as I figure out how to use this !@#$$@ Photo editor.

I’d love to write some more right now, but I have to get to work on refurbishing the offices. (Broom Closet) The floor needs to be swept; the desk needs to be mended… Probably should put a new coat of paint on the walls… You’d think that after all these years, the blood stains would have faded….

Finally, I’d like to apologize for any misspelling and grammatical errors that may be in this post.  I’ve hired someone to proof read my writing before it gets into the site. But it has been a very long time since I have done this and I was really excited and……… Well, I prematurely posted. It’s a common affliction in men between the ages of 30 and 65…… YES IT IS!!!

Welcome back readers

Ervin Shlopnick

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Before your read the profile of this great man. We would like to let you know that Ervin Shlopnick is running for President!!! Please take moment and look at his platform before you cast your vote the next presidential election.

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I was given this questionnaire some time back. It was designed to help people to get to know me better. I figured it would be good to use here also.

Welcome to the Summer 2013 edition of getting to know your friends.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 3:00 AM… Buried the body and went back to bed.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Lucky Charms!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Mars

4. What’s your favorite TV show?Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Mars the series

5. What did you have for breakfast? Nobody…

6. What’s your favorite cuisine? Do you mean the type of cat?

7. What foods do you dislike? Anything that doesn’t scream first.

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? AMD

9. What’s your favorite CD at the moment? Microsoft ManOwar. These guys ROCK!!!

10. What kind of car do you drive? I ride a HOG! The Chick Magnet V-Twin

11. Favorite sandwich? Stuff surrounded by bread

12. What characteristics do you despise? Liberals!!!!

13. Favorite item of clothing? A pair of Bert and Ernie boxer shorts that I ripped a hole in on the fourth of July 1998 while doing the limbo with the Curplaski twins.

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Detroit

15. What color is your bathroom? ???… Some spots are yellow…. Some are Brown.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Garanimals

17. Where would you retire to? Prison

18. Favorite time of the day? Morning…. I get to act out what the voices told me to do all night

19. What was your most memorable birthday? 9 Months… Whew hope I don’t have to go thorough that ever again.

20. Where were you born? Some Manger….

21. Favorite sport to watch? Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Mars

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Gorrax… Lord and master of the Squirrel under world

23. Person you expect to send it back first? How many of these questions are there?……. 68?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I was not prepared for a test today.

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Lye

25. Were you named after anyone? Inmate 678954253

26. Do you wish on stars? No… I wish on Blood Slugs, that way when it doesn’t happen I can step on them… Then I go watch Double D Cheerleader Nymphs from Mars and feel much better.

27. When did you last cry? 4 questions ago when I realized I have 40 more of these stupid questions to answer!!!

28. Do you like your handwriting? It’z bees mkay I’s gess.

29. What is your most embarrassing CD? Barbara Streisand Live, I can’t believe you spent $600.00 for these tickets “SUCKER” tour.

30. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Hell, every personality I have loves me… Well except Zim… We don’t talk to him.

31. Are you a daredevil? Just the other day, I made a turn without using my blinker. I’m a rebel baby!

32. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes I have… and the authorities should be there soon.

33. Do looks matter? I wouldn’t be responding if you were ugly. Geesh!

34. How do you release anger? See Question #1

35. Where is your second home? Ridgefield Home for the Mentally Special

37. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Math, English, Art, Gym, Study Hall, Home Ec,…. But Typing was Great! Boy Howdy Did I love Typing.

38. Do you use sarcasm a lot? You look nice

39. Favorite movies? Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Mars, Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Mercury, Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Venus, Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Pittsburgh… & Bengi

40. What are your nicknames? Hold on let me check the newspaper……. This week I’m the Night Crawler.

41. Would you bungee jump? Only if I could have a double beef and bean burrito first….. Oh and you have to stand directly below me.

42. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I guess the real question is, why I don’t tie them when I put them on.

43. Do you think that you are strong? Do you think you are pretty? I guess we are both wrong!

44. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Flesh

45. What are your favorite colors? Blood…errrrrrrr I mean blue… No wait it is blood.

46. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My talking foot.

47. Who do you miss the most? I really missed my pet cat “Rickets”. Oh yes he had mange and coughed up some of the most frightening things. But that cat sure could dance. I had him stuffed and mounted….. I used bologna to stuff him with. He smells pretty bad now. I guess I miss him not smelling like rotting meat the most. Would you like to come over to my house?

48. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? Would that mean that they are my friend? Golly gee I’d really like one of those.

49. What color pants are you wearing? Pants… Hmmmmmm that would have been a good idea.

50. What are you listening to right now? Screams, Screams and more Screams. Are you sure you don’t want to come to my house?

51. Last thing you ate? Nobody..

52. Last person you talked to on the phone? The last thing I ate.

53. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? The speed in which they run away.

54. Favorite Drink? Hemlock

55. Do you wear contacts? Yes… But not where you think.

56. Favorite Day of the Year? National Potato Day

57. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy Endings. Texas Chainsaw Massacre has the best!

58. Summer or winter? Fall

59. Hugs OR Kisses? Depends…. Do I have to brush my teeth?

60. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Nobody

61. What Book(s) Are You Reading? See SpotRun.RunSpotRun.You better run you son of a bitc………………………….

62. What’s On Your Mouse Pad? My mouse.

63. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Double D Cheerleader Nymphos from Mars

64. Favorite Smells? Cheese Farts

65. Rolling Stones or Beatles? I have both in my bed.

66. What’s the furthest you’ve been from home? I once went left….

67. What is your full name? Ricardo Montigo Franklin Bridges Conrad Happy Squirmy Fudgey Lone Bear Smith Jones Jr.

68. When is your birthday? When I was born.. Geesh!