My Thoughts by blstern (Driving with the windows down)

There is nothing better than a late night drive with the windows down. The cool air on my face is sharp and crisp. I can feel the sensation of the cold wake my nerves and causes my mind to race. I feel invincible and so very alive. I want to dance and sing and scream at the top of my lungs, “I’m unstoppable damn it!” There is nothing that can get me down. My blood is rushing through my veins at light speed. The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end. I’m lightning, I’m thunder, and I’m the wind. I want to race a car, I want to jump out of a plane, I want to make love to a woman I barely know…..

But first I had better dump this body and take my grandmas panties off the top of my head. Plus the live guarder snake I shoved up my ass probably wasn’t the greatest idea either. Whose car is this? Wait…. What was I talking about? Hmmmmmmmm, I think I’ll go have French toast. Better role up the window too, Think I’m driving past a pig farm. Fucking Pigs!

OpenOffice Calc Easter Egg

  1. Start OpenOffice Calc (I have version 2.3.0 installed)
  2. Click inside a cell and type =game(“StarWars”)
  3. Have fun!

Note: If you try again, you’ll get a message “oh no, not again!”.  To play again, close OpenOffice and end the Quickstarter process (Windows).  Restart OpenOffice Calc.


blstern Imposter e-mail Volume #5 (The Party)

Yet another case where the impostor blstern is living a better life than me. Now this bastard is getting invited to parties over in England. WTF is up with that?!?!? The email that was sent is quite short, there was and attachment that gave really good details of the location and particulars of the party.

But for legal reasons I have decided to leave that out of this post. You’ll just have to take my word for it. It was about a party… In England…. And it looked fucking great.

Dear All Please see attached for general sort of plan (ish) for June.
I hope you can all make it – no I do, really. Don’t worry about the cost of the meal, as long as you enjoy yourselves is reward enough. I will probably just have a pizza.


I’ve never been invited to a party in England before…. Now that I’ve thought about it, I haven’t been invited to a party period. But I better not let them know that. I’ll respond to this invite with the diligence and dignity I’m sure they expect in England.


I have few questions about your party. Your answers will help me to know what to pack.

Will there be clowns, I hope not! My pet cat Stinkers was molested by a evil clown named Humpy the Bobo. He is in jail now but the memory lingers and I’ll never be the same. (Not to mention Stinkers)

Will you have creamed corn dishes? I just love creamed corn, if you are not having anything with creamed corn I will bring my own.

Also will there be belly dancing? If so I will bring my outfit and records. I do this really cool creamed corn dance I’m sure you will all love.

Will cannibalism be looked down upon at this party? Just asking…

Will there be a sacrifice at midnight? If so, will that be midnight your time or GMT?

Does anyone know how to play the spoons? If so please uninvited them; my father was disemboweled by a freak spoons accident and it would be too horrific for me to have those memories resurface.

Can we bring people we don’t know to your country and just leave them there? That could be pretty funny!

How often will shots be fired into the crowd?

Is this one of those, “Must Wear Pants” type of parties?

Do I need to bring my own whipped cream?

How far back do your police records go in your country?

How many bodies could you fit in the trunk of an average British sedan?

Thanks for the info, looking forward to this party!!!

Big Hugs,

The Artist formerly know as blstern

Those Brits are a funny sort. They just don’t seem to get our sense of humor.

Dear blstern

I am some what worried with your last response. I may have to un-invite you.



Oh no! I had better fix this… for the real blstern’s sake.


If it weren’t for my corn flakes telling me to be nice to you, I wouldn’t even answer your…. Hold on a second………. My Lucky Charms told me to check your ID before responding.




But you can call me….. Tim?

There we go, that should set things straight.

Dear blstern,

Your current emails have taken a dark turn. Are you taking your medications.

U are scary.


I don’t think I’m scary….. Hmmmmmmmm


The real scary part is that I’m answering your emails from inside your house……


The b stands for…………………… booby

hahaha you thought I was going to say blood didn’t you?

Maybe next time.

Still waiting for directions….

(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib Volume #2 (Midget Porn)

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

OK you degenerates’, it’s that time again…… For another Hot Lard Mad Lib.

The rules are simple, I am using the reference words you sick puppies use to find our happy little corner of the world here. The portions of the story that are in bold are what you group of Internet pud pounders have contributed.

We will be sticking with the character “MIDGET PORN” because it is the number #1 used reference for Hot Lard. You put up one little post on midget porn and…..

The continuing Adventures of MIDGET PORN


One day MIDGET PORN and his friend John Ogadimma Nwanyanwu Accra Ghana were having heavenly sword sex with russian irkutsk hookers and midget celebrities. Suddenly, rico suave and his all under 21 hotties band, broke out in a song about MIDGET GRANNYS who have shit pants while their fuzzy mound was attacked by the hot humper.


On the other side of the woods, midget man fucking was walking his fat bitch when he noticed “cookie monster girl” was talking to the lard ass women about fat midget porn and tard mullets. He told them they should seek out MIDGET PORN because he could get them bitch fat from the whale girl of the lard porn tribe.

So they all set off on a quest to seek a poem about tards from the great hot woman with animals to help them find the answer for the “meaning of turtles”. Little did they know that they were being followed by Hot pricks who wanted pictures of midgets to take back to their lard ass women.


When they all met in the middle of the woods, natalie Portman handed out crack whore greeting cards to all the hot midgets who proceeded to watch a movie about funny porn fat guy “premature ejac”. Then they all watched the really stupid girl fucking girl and fat girls running on TV. Before they headed home to their dominated and fucked men to share the porn mad libs they found along the way.

The End.

Congratulations you pocket pools junkies. You wrote another great American novel.

Microsoft Has Lost Their Marbles


When is Microsoft going to learn how to properly design and build a successful piece of hardware?

So here’s the deal; on Monday my XBOX 360 arrived via UPS from the repair center in McAllen, TX. I didn’t have much time to actually play anything because of a few nerds, but I was able to gain some progress in Halo 2. Sadly, Forza Motorsport 2 required a title update … and since of aforementioned nerds, I couldn’t download the update. Which, is pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. There is no reason why I cannot continue my quest in Career mode, racking up much-needed credits, without having to have the latest patch that probably only affects online play anyway. 😦

Wednesday evening was my next opportunity, after I mowed my ~2 month-long lawn. After two hours of arduous labor, I finally finish-up and head inside to exercise my thumbs. In case you had no idea where this was headed, see attached image … but, imagine the LEDs flashing.

Yep, my XBOX 360 managed to successful operate for less than one single day … directly from Microsoft’s repair facility.

Normally … and I’m stretching here because anyone who has a piece of electronics die on them in less than one day of ownership would have every right to begin gathering shotgun shells and gassing-up the Pussy Wagon … I wouldn’t be so angry. However, this is my 3rd XBOX 360 I’ve had (two refurbished consoles from Microsoft) and I’ll soon have a 4th.

Here’s another blood-boiler that got me going …

So Monday night I get a call from Mada at the Microsoft repair center asking me if I received my console. Yes, I have. She also asked if it was working perfectly. Yes, it is. She then tells me that she will call back in a couple of days to check-in and see if everything is satisfactory and to discuss possible compensation for my troubles. Ah-hah! Here’s my chance to get a free game. I tried to press the issue of talking about compensation now, but she deferred it to the next time she calls. OK. She gave me a toll-free number to call in the event I have any issues with my level of service, along with a reference number and her personal extension. I was slightly impressed that she called.

Fast-forward to tonight, the first thing I did was call the number she provided and enter the reference number, followed by her extension. It was then I heard the sweet-sweet words every fucked-in-the-ass customer LOVES to hear … we’re sorry, the extension you entered is invalid; please check the number and try again.

The irritation levels are rising…

Fine, I enter her extension again and the automated system tells me to wait for the next available operator. Great! I thought I was going to actually be talking with someone who could help me, not a script-reading operator!

Well, I watched the last half of Wheel of Fortune, all of Deal or No Deal (the gay teacher was a riot!), and into about 15 minutes of Bionic Woman (hated it) before I finally gave up to call 800-4-MY-XBOX.

I got a new reference number from Claire (yeah, I’m real sure that name gets used a lot in India) and my empty box is on the way.

So then, I run an errand that takes about 10 minutes. I get back home to try to contact Mada … immediately the automated system tells me to call back during regular business hours and proceeds to hang-up on me.

This gets better by the minute. My plan now is to try to make contact with Mada on Thursday and pretty-much demand a brand-new, shiny, black or Spartan-green console. My hopes aren’t very high.