blstern’s Email Exchange with

Here is an e-mail I sent to about the stupid flash videos they have. You know the ones I’m talking about…

Subject: I don’t get it.

Dear Whomever,

I’m confused! Please explain to me why dancing clowns, stupid looking people with big heads and ugly fat chicks dancing at the office would make me want to trust you with the largest financial transaction of my life.

Thank you
Harry S. Crotum

Here is their first response…

Subject: Thank you for contacting

The advertisements are a marketing technique used by our creative team. The purpose of those advertisements is to attract attention and drive traffic to our site. is an online comparison and referral service. You can use the companies in our network to compare lower rates on various monthly expenses including Mortgage payments, Car Insurance, Home and Health Insurance, Long Distance, and much more. This is the service that we provide.

Please feel free to visit our website to see all of the categories we have to offer using the direct link below: – Site Map

Best Regards,
Violet Cruz Customer Care

My response to their response…

Subject: I’m your man!

Dear Low My Bills Creative Team,

If spazzy heroin clowns and gay cowboy shadow dancing is the best that you can come up with. Maybe I should apply for a job with your division. I have great ideas spewing from me all the time. Here are a few that I will give you for free.

Example 1:

There is this couple making out in the shower, they’re all into each other and really getting it on. When all of a sudden the woman looks at the camera and gets this “Surprised” look on her face. (Sort of like the dancing fat chick you have). The reason she is so surprised is because her husband is standing at the door looking at them. But the really big surprise is that her husband has been dead for six years… And he has the family dog’s foot in his mouth, because he ate it.

That would play really good on flash video.

Example 2:

A group of kids are playing kickball and this one really big kid, kicks the ball a country mile. (You could use the dancing fat chick as the big kid if you want) And we see the ball bounce behind a car. Some little girl runs to get the ball and when she goes around the car she gets this “Surprised” look on her face. Because there is this evil cow on the other side of the car looking all evil and stuff at her. Making monkey noises, (Because that is what evil cows sound like)and it has a dogs foot hanging from its mouth.

You would need sound for that one. Has your creative department discovered sound yet?

Example 3:

There is a group of people at a funeral. There is a bunch of crying and somber conversation. The wife of the deceased walks up to the casket to pay her final respects to her husband when she gets a “Surprised” look on her face. Her husbands eyes are open and he is looking right at her with this, “Why did you kill me, Linda” look on his face. Plus someone has stuck a dog’s foot in his mouth.

So what do you think, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my talent. I give these to you for free but I have thousands more (Some not including a dog’s foot).

Please send me the appropriate documentation you need me to fill out. And soon we will have every trailer park resident logging onto your web site wanting to get money from you.


Harry S. Crotum

Here is LMB’s unkind response to my million dollar ideas…

Subject: Thank you for contacting
We appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with us, and will definitely consider the tone of your email. However, the suggestions you provided may not be used because to be honest, it is not obvious how they would relate to our business. Thank you for your time though.

Best Regards,
James Harris Customer Care

So, I decided to give them one more chance to cash in on my brilliance.

Subject:I don’t get it (again)

Dear Lower My Bills Creative Department of creativity and dancing cowboys

I’m back to, “I don’t get it”….

You honestly don’t know how my ideas relate to your business, but you do know how people with big heads and fat chicks dancing in the office do deal with Home and Auto loans.

Please explain to me how your ideas work and mine do not. I’m very interested in the one with the big head people. How does having a really big head put you in need of auto financing? Plus have you notified the international order of big headed people to let them know that you are using their likeness in your ads?

The e-mail server I’m using to write this e-mail to you now is showing the silhouette of two people dancing on a roof. Do people who find the urge to dance on roof tops and want to protect their identity by having them selves’ silhouetted need a better house payment.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out how your ads work for me and tell me that a lady seeing a rat run across a cubical top is the right place for me to do my financial business. (By the way, was this rat in your office?)

Now to show you that I can take constructive criticism and run with it, I have decided to give you a few more examples of ads that you can use to draw in all the trailer trash you need.

Example 1:

Farts: Anything with a fart will sell. Have the fat dancing chick farting throughout the video.

Example 2:

Beer and farts: That is a platinum gold star winner here. If the fat dancing chick is holding a beer while she fart dances, I’m sure everyone will pay attention and click on your site for financial advice. Or you could have the rat that you found in your office holding a beer and the lady that sees him farts and messes in her pants and has to go home… To dance on the roof top with her silhouette boy friend and his six silhouette dancing cowboy lovers.

There you go; two can’t miss videos that I am just giving away to you for free.

Please let me know what you think and how I may apply for internship at your place a business. Can’t wait to start car pooling with you soon.

Hugs and Kisses

Harry S. Crotum

I have sent this last e-mail to them twice and have not received a reply. They must still be considering my last offer…

11 thoughts on “blstern’s Email Exchange with

  1. You must admit the ads are eyecatching, you have obviously spent time not only looking at them, but discussing them. I appreciate the fact that they are cute, creative and not annoying ones that ask me to kill a bug or race the president. Admit it, positive or negative…they caught your eye. Kudos to them!

  2. Dear Amanda,

    Congratulations on being awarded, “LMB’s Employee of the month”. I’m sure you’re proud. So which one are you? The fat chick dancing in the office or are you the other fat chick dancing in the other office?
    From the sound of your comment, I’d guess that you are the really big headed mutant girl. You must need that really big head to hold all those brains you use to troll the internet to find small web pages to hock your wears.

    Thanks again for the comment (sales pitch) and keep ’em coming!!!

  3. she may be a mutant etc.., or she could be extremely hot, who gives a spit.. what seems most likely is that the author of this blog IS wearing a star trek tee and constantly pushing his glasses back onto his nose as he types gleefully in disbelief that people actually read and respond (yes, as I am 😉 ) to his “small web page”. Is his web page all that is small….. doubt it. Run with it , oh great one!

  4. It is a confirmed fact that there are no hot women on the internet. Just pictures and great videos of them doing stuff with donkeys that I wouldn’t medically recommend.

    As far as the star trek tee, I’m not sure, I think he is more of a LotR troll, that eats chili cheese dogs and lights his farts on fire at the local old farts home. (which I don’t recommend, although scaring old people into a coronary is)

    Dr. Tadjur

  5. Maddie, I decided to break down all the high points of this comment and respond to each one of them separately.


    she may be a mutant etc.., – That goes without saying

    or she could be extremely hot, – Sorry this is not the girls who like girls chat line you were apparently looking for. I think you need,

    who gives a spit.. – Ok, I’ve narrowed it down. You’re from Kentucky, right?

    what seems most likely is that the author of this blog – You think of me as an author? WOW THANKS!

    IS wearing a star trek tee – Hey, I stopped wearing my Star Trek Tee when I turned 35 and moved out of my parents house. Of course three weeks later I had to move back in, but that is not important. I do not wear Star Trek clothes. Now I mostly just rub jelly donuts on my Herculean chest as I surf barnyard porn.

    and constantly pushing his glasses back onto his nose – Sorry the leprosy pretty much has rid me of my nose. But thanks for bringing up that horrible memory for me.

    as he types gleefully – I no long type anything gleefully, I do more of a peppy, cloudy skies can’t bring me down style of typing now . However I still do gleefully walk my poodle, “Bloodfang”.

    in disbelief – I don’t believe you

    that people actually read and respond – I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Were you saying something? Shouldn’t you be doing your spouses laundry?

    (yes, as I am 😉 ) – I don’t like green eggs and ham; I don’t like them, yes as I am. :o)

    to his “small web page”. Is his web page all that is small….. doubt it. – Mom? Is that you!?!?!?

    Run with it , oh great one! – Finally some recognition of my greatness.

    Maddie, I would like to thank you on behalf off all the staff here at Hot Lard for showing us that all of our hard work is not going unnoticed. We appreciate your input hope to hear from you again real soon. Tell all your friends! (That does not include your Tim “The Hammer” blow up doll.)

    Thanks again!

  6. Pingback: blstern’s email exchange with Software Innovations Inc. « Hot Lard

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