Here it is the last day of August, college football has started and the NFL gets underway in less than a week. I love football; I believe it is the best of all sports…. Wait, let me re-word that. It IS the best God damn sport of all time motherfucker!!!!
Now, before you soccer fags start saying that your (so called) sport of homos is also called football. No it is not. It is soccer, the game of foreigners and retards. This is a game that you see some 20 or 30 men running around aimlessly trying to get a ball in a net or are they trying to get a date to the next all sweaty male blow-a-thon. Plus in this sport (?) you are not allowed to use all of your appendages. What the fuck is that all about?!?! God gave us arms (well, most of us) so we may as fucking well use them. I guess soccer players and their fans do get to use them during the team whack off after the soccer match. Soccer is all about running into the other guy as hard as you can to see who gets pregnant first.
OK, let’s recap. Soccer, it’s not a real sport, it’s not football and you have to love male on male intercourse to enjoy it. I feel dirty.
You know what else is gay? Men who say they do not watch football. I’m sorry but if you’re a male over the age of 12 and you tell me that you do not watch football… You’re Gay! It’s OK; it’s not your fault. When normal guys are thinking about what makes a good 4-3 defense, you’re thinking about what dick you will suck next. That has to take up a lot of your time. Should it be a big one or a small one? Should I lick the balls … will I swallow? Plus I know it’s hard for you to watch anything that has 22 guys in it, without any anal intrusion what so ever. But I’m not bashing on all gays, there are quit a few out there that can take their mind of the taste of semen long enough to enjoy a game. To you I say welcome brothers. For the rest of you so-called “Catchers” out there and the large group of men that has not come to terms with their Gay-Dom, I excuse you from the rest of this article. Here is a nice picture for you to look at while drinking your Fuzzy Navel, wishing for a shoulder to cry on and picking out doilies for the kitchen.
Happy Kitten (Yes, you click here dumb ass)
Let’s not forget the ladies out there. I know that a lot of you do not like football either, but that is OK. Thinking about what dick to suck next is built into your DNA. So you really have no choice in the matter. Plus most of us men (The football loving guys) are very appreciative of that. There is however a very large number of you ladies out there that likes football. You are the very best human beings of all. To have some one that will suck your dick and know not to ask if you want to go to the family reunion or tell you about their fucking day during a critical play. That is a godsend. If you can find a girl like that guys, do what ever you have to do to keep her.
So once again let’s recap.
Football – the best damn sport on the planet.
Better than Baseball because…
Football is our national past time. Sorry you Baseball dweebs, but your time has passed. We are a more aggressive and violent world now and watch 9 inning of….
“The pitcher has the ball.”
“He puts the ball in glove now”
“He walks to the mound”
“The pitcher is grabbing his balls now”
“I believe the pitcher is getting a sign… Yes, it appears he was told to play with his balls some more.” “The manager is coming out of the dug out to talk with the pitcher”
“Wait, he stopped half way there to play with his balls first”
“Now the whole team is gathering around the pitchers mound”
“Ahhh, it appears they are all helping each other adjust their balls now”
“Ok, now that everyone’s ball sack is adjust the pitcher is going to go into his whined up. His balls look very well adjusted, don’t you think Stan? ”
“Wait the batter has stepped out of the batters box and called time to adjust his balls now.”
Baseball is as enticing as watching my 300 lbs elementary school bus driver wipe her ass after that three bean double cheese and beef burrito breakfast. WOW, now that is what I call excitement!!!!!! I bet the non-football loving men just adore this sport!
Plus you have a league that caters to 5 teams and the rest have to take whatever is left over. What kind of fucking league can have one team with a 250 MILLION dollar pay roll and another with a 20 million dollar pay roll and expect them to be competitive. God knows I want to watch the same 5 teams in the playoffs every year. Plus you have a ball-less commissioner that has allowed a cheater to steal one of the most sacred records you have. Nice, real fucking nice. Plus, what pansy ass sport needs seven games to decide who is better? One fucking game, one fucking champion!
What could make baseball better? GUNS… Give the fans guns.
Better than Basketball because….
Come on it’s basketball! It has always been the third best sport in this country and it always will. There was a time when Jordan played that it may have slipped past baseball as the country’s runner up sport. But now that he is gone, the sport can’t event get better ratings than “Dancing with the Stars”. I’ve got an idea to help the sport along: get rid of all of the game except that last 2 minutes of the forth quarter. Why will this work?
- This is really the only time the players actually play hard.
- Give the none-football loving men more time to watch Dancing with the Stars.
- Players have more time to do crack.
- Players have more time to impregnate women in other states.
- Refs have more time to spend with their bookies.
Hey, I’ve got a bet your refs can make. How long before this sport is shown on a worse network than the NHL?
What could make Basketball better? GUNS… Give the fans guns.
Better than the NHL because…
Please! It’s the NHL; they are on the Outdoor Living Network for god sakes.
What could make the NHL better? GUNS… Give the fans guns.
Better than Soccer because…
Did I mention soccer already? Well you soccer fans may have been too busy sucking dick at the beginning of this article to have read it. Soccer Sucks!!!
What could make soccer better? Nothing!
Better than NASCAR because….
Now, three years ago I probably would have unloaded on NASCAR. Beings I had never had sex with my sister or beaten my wife. But I feel this sport has come a long way. For instance they have added a few right turns now and then. And the drivers don’t have to haul moonshine in their cars anymore. Plus unlike baseball, when the athlete plays with his balls, it is at 200 mph. I won’t take my mind off the road at 65 mph let alone 200 mph to give the guys a giggle. So you must have a real big sack that really needs to be adjusted at those high speeds. Someone with a sack that big has to love football and is a man I am not going to mess with. Congrads NASCAR, you are better than baseball. Whooptee Fuckin Do!
Better than Boxing because…
Football games are not rigged. However I will give you kudos for getting to watch someone’s ear being bitten off. Unfortunately, that does not happen enough.
Better than the other sports because…
Just because I didn’t mention your sport by name in this article doesn’t mean you get a bye. Your sport sucks too.
Fuck you! Start watching Football you candy ass!
Enjoy the season folks!!!