Football Rules!!!

Here it is the last day of August, college football has started and the NFL gets underway in less than a week. I love football; I believe it is the best of all sports…. Wait, let me re-word that. It IS the best God damn sport of all time motherfucker!!!!

Now, before you soccer fags start saying that your (so called) sport of homos is also called football. No it is not. It is soccer, the game of foreigners and retards. This is a game that you see some 20 or 30 men running around aimlessly trying to get a ball in a net or are they trying to get a date to the next all sweaty male blow-a-thon. Plus in this sport (?) you are not allowed to use all of your appendages. What the fuck is that all about?!?! God gave us arms (well, most of us) so we may as fucking well use them. I guess soccer players and their fans do get to use them during the team whack off after the soccer match. Soccer is all about running into the other guy as hard as you can to see who gets pregnant first.

OK, let’s recap. Soccer, it’s not a real sport, it’s not football and you have to love male on male intercourse to enjoy it. I feel dirty.

You know what else is gay? Men who say they do not watch football. I’m sorry but if you’re a male over the age of 12 and you tell me that you do not watch football… You’re Gay! It’s OK; it’s not your fault. When normal guys are thinking about what makes a good 4-3 defense, you’re thinking about what dick you will suck next. That has to take up a lot of your time. Should it be a big one or a small one? Should I lick the balls … will I swallow? Plus I know it’s hard for you to watch anything that has 22 guys in it, without any anal intrusion what so ever. But I’m not bashing on all gays, there are quit a few out there that can take their mind of the taste of semen long enough to enjoy a game. To you I say welcome brothers. For the rest of you so-called “Catchers” out there and the large group of men that has not come to terms with their Gay-Dom, I excuse you from the rest of this article. Here is a nice picture for you to look at while drinking your Fuzzy Navel, wishing for a shoulder to cry on and picking out doilies for the kitchen.

Happy Kitten (Yes, you click here dumb ass)

Let’s not forget the ladies out there. I know that a lot of you do not like football either, but that is OK. Thinking about what dick to suck next is built into your DNA. So you really have no choice in the matter. Plus most of us men (The football loving guys) are very appreciative of that. There is however a very large number of you ladies out there that likes football. You are the very best human beings of all. To have some one that will suck your dick and know not to ask if you want to go to the family reunion or tell you about their fucking day during a critical play. That is a godsend. If you can find a girl like that guys, do what ever you have to do to keep her.

So once again let’s recap.

Men who don’t like football – Gay
Women that don’t like football – OK because they suck dick.
Women that like football – Priceless
Soccer – The San Francisco Treat

Football – the best damn sport on the planet.

Better than Baseball because…

Football is our national past time. Sorry you Baseball dweebs, but your time has passed. We are a more aggressive and violent world now and watch 9 inning of….

“The pitcher has the ball.”
“He puts the ball in glove now”
“He walks to the mound”
“The pitcher is grabbing his balls now”
“I believe the pitcher is getting a sign… Yes, it appears he was told to play with his balls some more.” “The manager is coming out of the dug out to talk with the pitcher”
“Wait, he stopped half way there to play with his balls first”
“Now the whole team is gathering around the pitchers mound”
“Ahhh, it appears they are all helping each other adjust their balls now”
“Ok, now that everyone’s ball sack is adjust the pitcher is going to go into his whined up. His balls look very well adjusted, don’t you think Stan? ”
“Wait the batter has stepped out of the batters box and called time to adjust his balls now.”

Baseball is as enticing as watching my 300 lbs elementary school bus driver wipe her ass after that three bean double cheese and beef burrito breakfast. WOW, now that is what I call excitement!!!!!! I bet the non-football loving men just adore this sport!

Plus you have a league that caters to 5 teams and the rest have to take whatever is left over. What kind of fucking league can have one team with a 250 MILLION dollar pay roll and another with a 20 million dollar pay roll and expect them to be competitive. God knows I want to watch the same 5 teams in the playoffs every year. Plus you have a ball-less commissioner that has allowed a cheater to steal one of the most sacred records you have. Nice, real fucking nice. Plus, what pansy ass sport needs seven games to decide who is better? One fucking game, one fucking champion!

What could make baseball better? GUNS… Give the fans guns.

Better than Basketball because….

Come on it’s basketball! It has always been the third best sport in this country and it always will. There was a time when Jordan played that it may have slipped past baseball as the country’s runner up sport. But now that he is gone, the sport can’t event get better ratings than “Dancing with the Stars”. I’ve got an idea to help the sport along: get rid of all of the game except that last 2 minutes of the forth quarter. Why will this work?

  1. This is really the only time the players actually play hard.
  2. Give the none-football loving men more time to watch Dancing with the Stars.
  3. Players have more time to do crack.
  4. Players have more time to impregnate women in other states.
  5. Refs have more time to spend with their bookies.

Hey, I’ve got a bet your refs can make. How long before this sport is shown on a worse network than the NHL?

What could make Basketball better? GUNS… Give the fans guns.

Better than the NHL because…

Please! It’s the NHL; they are on the Outdoor Living Network for god sakes.

What could make the NHL better? GUNS… Give the fans guns.

Better than Soccer because…

Did I mention soccer already? Well you soccer fans may have been too busy sucking dick at the beginning of this article to have read it. Soccer Sucks!!!

What could make soccer better? Nothing!

Better than NASCAR because….

Now, three years ago I probably would have unloaded on NASCAR. Beings I had never had sex with my sister or beaten my wife. But I feel this sport has come a long way. For instance they have added a few right turns now and then. And the drivers don’t have to haul moonshine in their cars anymore. Plus unlike baseball, when the athlete plays with his balls, it is at 200 mph. I won’t take my mind off the road at 65 mph let alone 200 mph to give the guys a giggle. So you must have a real big sack that really needs to be adjusted at those high speeds. Someone with a sack that big has to love football and is a man I am not going to mess with. Congrads NASCAR, you are better than baseball. Whooptee Fuckin Do!

Better than Boxing because…

Football games are not rigged. However I will give you kudos for getting to watch someone’s ear being bitten off. Unfortunately, that does not happen enough.

Better than the other sports because…

Just because I didn’t mention your sport by name in this article doesn’t mean you get a bye. Your sport sucks too.

Fuck you! Start watching Football you candy ass!

Enjoy the season folks!!!

The Mullet – All You Ever Wanted to Know

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

DEFINITION

Mullet (mulit):
a hairstyle, common among those of lower socio socio-economic status, consisting of short, well groomed hair on the anterior area of the head and long, flowing locks on the posterior area of the head.

ANATOMY OF A MULLET

mullet-1.jpg

CLASSIC MULLET

mullet-2.jpg

This specimen is a clear demonstration of a classic mullet. Note how this mullet proudly displays his exotic plumage while in a menacing stance. Classic indeed. The mesh tank top, digital watch, silver chain, and molester mustache all add points to this fine specimen’s overall look and mulletude.

NOMENCLATURE

Mullet Synonyms: Drape Ape, Wisconsin Waterfall, Mississippi Mud Flap, Missouri Compromise, Louisiana Purchase, Neck Blanket

SUBSPECIES

CAMARO CUT

mullet-3.jpg

The Camaro Mullet used to have full reign over the mullet brethren, but that was back in the 70’s and 80’s. This species has fallen from grace since, but can still be seen enjoying REO Speedwagon and Styx concerts, or up in the attic cooking up crank. Distinguishing features include: a molester mustache (peach fuzzy), tight tight-fitting acid wash jeans, and an ever present key ring hanging from the belt loop. Feel the mulletude emanating through your computer screen from this rare pic.

mullet-4.jpg

Another fine specimen of the Camaro Cut.

CORVETTE CUT

mullet-5.jpg

A variation of the Camaro Cut with circa 1977 frizz.

MINI-TRUCK MULLET

mullet-6.jpg

Thought to be extinct in 1994, the Mini-truck mullet is a rare sighting indeed, usually too wily to be caught on camera. The Mini-truck mullet flap ends close to the bottom of the neck, sporting a more conservative look. The preferred attire of this species is Oakley Razorblade sunglasses, a turtleneck shirt with a gold cross and chain (hanging proudly), accompanied by tight fitting Guess? jeans.

The vehicle owned by the Mini-truck mullet almost always has a lame slogan airbrushed on the tailgate (“U Snooz, U Looz,” “Teal Dream” etc.) and a “No Fear,” “Fear This,” or a Calvin Pissing sticker.

BMX MULLET

mullet-7.jpg

Among the longest of the subspecies. Quite frequently mistaken for ugly girls.

PORN MULLET

mullet-8.jpg

Elegant blend of form and function.

FEMALES: A MAJOR MULLET MYSTERY

FEMMULLET

There are many varieties of the Femmullet. Despite popular belief, not all Femmullets are Lesmullets (pronounced “lay mule-lay”), however all Lesmullets are Femmullets.

mullet-9.jpg

Here we see a Power Lesmullet.

mullet-10.jpg

Business Femmullet

mullet-11.jpg

Retail Femmullet (Also known as Wal-Mullet or K-Mullet)

SUBTYPES

MEXIMULLET (or MULLATINO)

mullet-12.jpg

Notice the smooth, streamlined look with the absence of sideburns. Most mullatinos like to accessorize their mullets with snakeskin boots, large metal belt buckles, silk shirts (with rooster prints) and colored jeans.

PERMULLET

mullet-13.jpg

A mullet that has been specially treated with a permanent. This primping of the mullet head’s plumage means that the subject takes great pride in his or her lifestyle.

The permullet tends to be a little less aggressive than his or her mullet counterparts; most likely because he or she doesn’t want to taint their mullet with the sweat that would be released in the process of kicking your ass.

VIRGINMULLET

mullet-14.jpg

The Virginmullet is a fairly common find amongst the population. They are characterized by their flaccid mullets which can only grow to the bottom of their neck. Though researchers have hotly-debated the relationship between the length of the mullet and the length of the pecker, all agree that the mullet doesn’t pass the neck and the chances of this subspecies getting laid are slim.

Other factors that reduce the chances of an initial sexual encounter include:

  • “Molestaches” – the thin, unattractive moustaches often found on Virginmullets seeking the company of underage girls.
  • Faux gold chains worn with clingy tank tops.
  • Sunglasses — especially if purchased at a gas station and worn at night.

THE SKULLET

mullet-15.jpg

The Skullet is growing in popularity across the country. Recent research has shown that Skullets are older men needing to compensate for upper dome hair loss by growing wild and wooly neck blankets.

THE VEGAS MINI-TRUCK MULLET

mullet-16.jpg

A variety of the standard Mini-truck Mullet, this specimen was thought to be extinct in the early nineties, however this species seems to be making a comeback. Unsubstantiated sightings have been reported in Nebraska, Florida, and Tennessee. Reliable mullitia sources have concluded the migratory patterns of this particular species point to an undisclosed location in New Jersey location, possibly to return to their homeland (Wildwood is suspected, but more studies are needed for substantiation).

Vegas Mini-truck Mullet Summary and Statistics:

  • Extremely vocal and chatty.
  • Unlit cigarette constantly in hand provides an atmosphere of unUnlit uncertainty. certainty.
  • Typical sweater-over-sweater-over-turtleneck-tight blue jeans fashion sensibilities.
  • All appear to be clean and doused with fake Drakkar.
  • The ultimate irony – the loser “L” signal slipped in just as shot was taken … that sly devil.

CHILD ABUSE

mullet-17.jpg

This type of parental negligence and intolerable cruelty is quite common among Mullets. Some states are in the process of passing laws to prevent the passing of mulletude onto future generations of innocent children.

Please write to your local Congressman today!

MULLET HOT SPOTS

  • Professional wrestling matches
  • County fairs
  • Monster truck rallies
  • Dog tracks

mullet-18.jpg

Jaws Returns

Remember Richard Kiel?  He played Jaws in a number of James Bond movies with Roger Moore.  He was a great villian.  Here’s a photo of Richard in costume:

While visiting the BET studios earlier in the week, we came across this fucktard.  Yes, you are right … those sunglasses sure do make him look stupid!

Can you notice any similarities between these two?  Is Jaws making a comeback?!  God I hope so.

If You Think Hitting a Deer is Bad

Moose Story

The following pictures are of a moose that went through a car’s windshield and out the rear window this month Near South River, Ontario.

The VERY lucky woman driver ended up With just a broken wrist and needing a good bath.  When you view the pictures you will wonder how the woman managed to survive.

My Thoughts by blstern (The King of Candy Land)

When I die. I want to be buried in an ice cream coffin with a chocolate cake pillow. And I want my head stone to read… “Here lies the king of Candy Land, come all children and get your free soft serve ice cream cone”.
Then I would have a soft serve ice cream dispenser so the children could walk right up to my grave and get their treat.

Then “Floppy” the mechanical dog would come out and tell a story of fluffy clouds and candy cane rain storms. My grave sight will become famous and children would come from all over the planet to visit it. They would listen to stories, sing happy songs and eat ice cream………………….

And then just for a laugh I would have a mechanical hand under the dirt come crashing out grabbing for the children, while Floppy the dogs cold mechanical eyes would glow red and he would scream…” Run you little bastards. He’s reaching out of the grave for you!!! Run!!! IN THE NAME OF GOD Run!!!! Run and don’t look back!!!! His pants are down!!!! RUN!!!!!”
Golly that would be a hoot.

TARD WARS

It has waited an eternity with baited breath…..

Looking for the right moment…..

To show the world the symbol of true terror…

It’s time for a beloved super hero to face his greatest challenge….

No amount of training…

No amount of skill…

No amount of drool…

Can prepare him for the terror that lies ahead.

Hot Lard Studios is proud to present…

The battle begins Fall 2007

This time, the poo will fly… really it will fly… these guys have flying poo… and they like to thow it too. Like those stupid-ass spider monkeys you love to hit with bricks. God I hate those little fucking things!! But you will love this movie … even with all the spider monkey flying poo.