Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Christmas cards and wishes to make anyones heart sing with joy.

Please take this card as a token of our appreciation to you… Our wonderful readers… this Christmas holiday.

Yeah, I know, it is pretty much a piece of shit. I believe it took our art depart all of thirty seconds to slap the damn thing together and post it… I really hate those bastards and would like to see them all fired… or taste their own blood. But hey, what can one do? It’s hard to find an art department that will agree to wear full-body leather suits and ball-gags at work.

Beings this card sucks so much, I’ve decided to have the illegitimate children of our staff come up with their own sweet little Christmas cards for our readers. You can see them below.

Or if you like, you can view last years Christmas special here, https://hotlard.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/demotivational-posters-christmas-special/ because we are too cheep to do a new one this year.

Happy Christmas to you all…. Except you, yes you, you know who I’m talking about.

Ervin Shlopnick.

Managing Director of Smell My Finger and Tape Worm

My Thoughts by Erivin Shlopnick – The Science of Women


Thank goodness for shiny things… Without them women would not have anything to think about.

But make sure they finish all your laundry and cooking before you let them play with their shiny thing. Otherwise they will not get any of their womanly duties finished before the big game comes on.

I just kid

I know women are a much more complex instrument than something that would be only interested in shiny things…

They like to give oral sex too.

Demotivational Posters Volume #34 – The Really Shitty Ones

It has been some time since I last created a bunch of demotivational posters.

Many moons have pasted and the sands of time have sifted away like a monkey who has eaten 6 cans of creamed corn and has a rectal infection.

A lot of changes have come to my life during this time, some of which are joyous and magical, but most of which are make believe

So that’s why these posters will really suck.

Yep, they suck shit and smell like your grandmas pleasantly moist but over used panties

Of course you will view them anyway and go home with a smile on your face thinking you have been fulfilled with the greatness that is me. (Ervin Shlopnick)

Only for it to dawn on you once you get home that you have been jipped, realizing your grandmas panties are not moist or pleasant in any sense of the word. Oh and these posters are really shitty too. But mostly because your grandma has really smelly panties… And the fact that you are just learning now that she dry humps your pillow when you are at work. Sorry for that, but I felt you had to know… and it gives you a visual of how awful these posters really are.

Pillow dry humped by your grandma with moist smelly panties and not washed before you sleep on it, awful… Get the picture yet asshole?

Most likely you will have to wait a very long time before you get any really good demotivation from this site. When you recognize this fact you will beat your dog and burn your house to the ground.

So my warning to you is that if you are expecting too much from these really shitty posters, you may just want to move along to another post. Come back when I start taking this blog seriously again and do better work.

But on second thought they could be so good that they help you to earn great wealth and happiness.

I really dought it though…

they kinda suck.



Your grandma is a whore…

and I love her