Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Fighting for Truth in Advertising

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

As a respected member of the journalistic pack, I was appalled and sadden to the point of suicide when I saw the false advertising that my co-journalist CountofFlanders had uncovered at SinglesNet.com. I immediately got on the phone with our crack team of corporate lawyers and midget prostitutes and demanded they do something about this or I would remove all of their hair again.  Within minutes we had covert forces storming the headquarters of SinglesNet.com, taking prisoners, torturing those responsible and ravishing their pets and farm animals.

And it appears that good has won over evil, because SinglesNet.com has pulled the SarahC_1225 false photo and replaced it with the real SarahC_1225. And boy howdy is she a real catch. Better hurry boys or you’ll be standing behind the old Shlop-inator to get your chance with this one.

Grrrrr

A Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Internet Ad of the Day

Where was this teacher when I was in school?

Oh wait, check out the lightly-colored text below the hottie… how the fuck can singlesnet.com get away with this shit?  Maybe I’ll talk with our highly-skilled team of lawyers and see if we can sue.  I’ll advise our team that Ervin and I DEMAND reparations from SarahC_1225.

What do you guys think?

FYI, the tag “severed heads” was recommended by WordPress.com … so, I thought I’d leave it!

Justice has been served. The real SarahC_1225 has been found.

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Pull My Finger

I think that the term “Pull My Finger” should be used in peace talks. Nothing would break the tension more than having the American negotiator look his sworn enemy in the eye and say, “Pull my finger” and then fart. Boy Howdy I bet they would all start laughing so hard that they would forget what they were fighting about.
But unknown to everybody at the summit, the American negotiator would have a cyanide tablet stuck up his butt and would emit a killer fart cloud that would terminate all the evil axis leaders forcing them to surrender. That would show those commie bastards.

I Dream of Shawn Johnson

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

Some of you manly dudes might be aware of a sport called … get ready for it … gymnastics.  Turns out, our own Iowa-bred beauty Shawn Johnson is headed to Bejing, which oddly enough translates to “Land of smog and gay porn”.

LOL…

Am I the only one who has noticed that this chic is about the best thing to come to gymnastics since Anna Kournikova started playing tennis?  The thing that sets Shawn apart from Anna is that she actually has talent.  Anna certainly has the looks, and while some may label me as “sicko”, don’t freakin’ tell me that you don’t think Shawn Johnson is pretty darn … uhm, “good at gymnastics”.  Right?

If you don’t know what I’m talking about (that is, if all you’ve seen of her is wearing her tights with her hair pulled back, really hard), then you should check out her Flickr page, or her official site.

Much like Hot Lard is anxiously awaiting that moment when Mary Kate & Ashley finally succomb to wishes from nerds all over the world, we anxiously await to see Shawn Johnson fulfill her destiny.

Oh yeah, I really do sincerly hope she does well in Bejing.  I will watch her on TV and make generalized comments to my wife about “how young she looks” and hope for the best.  Maybe she won’t notice.

Letters to Hot Lard – WTF is that photo… again?

It’s time to dip into the Hot Lard mail bag and see what our loyal readers have to say.

This letter comes from “R” and once again we are being asked about our WTF photo post.

I am over intrigued with this picture. Where did you get it? I want to see the rest of the set. The animation is so realistic it actually scares me to doubt its authenticity.

Much appreciated.

R

Well “R” you little rascle let me tell you all about it.

Dear R

Before I purchased the, “Your a Big Pussy Weight Master 3000”, I was a somewhat tiny fellow. I was constantly getting picked on and called names like…

Hey You
and..
Muppet Head
and..
Tiny Waistline

It was horrible as you could imagine. So I purchased the weight machine in the hopes to work out on it constantly to become big, buff and ready for action. I would then take my new found masculinity and severely pound the heads in of all my enemies.

But I pretty much am a big pussy and the weight machine really did nothing for me so I constantly got my ass kicked during my youth. So I went into the Barnyard porn business and made millions. I hired a bunch of tough guys to pour milk on the sister of my biggest nemesis while making his retarded younger brother watch.

Today I’m a Priest

Thanks for the letter

Love and kisses
Ervin Shlopnick

Keep those cards and letters coming kids and we will reply… if we feel like it