Finding the Person(s) Behind the Dot – A new dot has been unearthed

Hello Hot Lard loyal readers…. and those of you forced to read us as part of your community service.  Hey, if you’re going to do the crime, you have to be ready to do the time. And reading Hot Lard is defiantly hard time.

andyWe have unearthed a new dot on the readers map. The site is called Andy Kaufman’s Kavalkade (Didn’t Andy Kaufman play Jim Carrey in a movie about his life?)  and it is located in the great city of Fresno, California. Ahhhhh Fresno, the home of the……. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

What the fuck is in Fresno???? Really… What the hell is in Fresno????

Do people actually live there, or is it a penance you have to pay for doing something really bad in a former life. Maybe it’s sort of like a secrete draft, where people are picked in a lottery and told they have to spend the next several years in Fresno. Do we need to feel sorry for them, or treat them like criminals, because they got what they deserve?

Actually I’ve never been there, so I don’t really know anything about the place. That in turn makes it very easy for me to make fun of it. Nothing like striking out blindly at things you don’t know or understand.

One thing I do know though is that Andy Kaufman’s Kavalkade is spelled incorrectly, (At least my spell check thinks so) but they have a lot of really great stuff on their site. To start they have a staff of 18 writers that offer everything from Poetry to Politics. There is music and art and an intelligence in writing that I could only dream of achieving.  Their site is an example of what I’d love to see Hot Lard become some day….. Only with more penis and fart jokes that is.

To see their location on the Hot Lard readers map, plus a link to their site, just go to the Readers Map page. It’s the tab at the top of the page….

No, the top of the page…….

Look up….

No, you are looking left….

Up is towards the sky….

No, that is grass….

The sky is the blue stuff…..

Or brown if you live in Pittsburgh…..

Now you got it!!!

Just click on the tab and it will take you to the page with the map….

I….

I said click on the tab….

No, you are hitting your crotch….

I give up.

Starting a new campaign to get more readers.

Believe it or not, I actually had one of the lard posters from the previous post and was working on it as part of my new campaign to get more readers to Hot Lard. (Shana you have good taste)

I just don’t feel that there are enough people out there that are experiencing the joy & horror that this happy little blog can force feed them. So it’s time I reach out and touch (Leaguelly this time) those who have not read the words of wisdom this prophet of the blogisphere has delivered. I need to awaken the sleeping and shout to the world that Hot Lard is here to stay, so you may as well get fucking used to it.

Below is my first campaign poster. Please take time to read it’s wisdom and then go forth and share it with the world….

I mean it, go forth and tell people about this shit…. No really go forth…. Dude, just get the fuck out of here!!!

read hot lard 2

 

 

What are you looking down here for??? I’m done writing

Hot Lard Flashback – I Dream of Shawn Johnson

I have a convention to attend this week. So I’m going to try and knock out a few posts today to make you (My wonderful readers) happy.

My first submission is another flashback to the days when Hot Lard was king, because there were nothing but a group of pervs working here.  And this post was extra pervy, because it was written about America’s Olympic sweetheart, Shawn Johnson. You remember her don’t you? She was in the 2008 Olympics…. you know the Olympics… It’s that thing they have every four years to see what country is the best … America or China. Yes, the Olympics, that thing that our very new and very popular president pulled out all the stops in 2008 to make a bid for it to come to America in 2016. He sent our ambassador of power and free car giveaways “Oprah” to campaign for us. With her power and his charm we were a shoe-in to get the nod. And after all that, and millions of dollars of tax payer money was spent….. The Olympics went to Brazil and the good ole USA finished 6th or 7th in the voting.

Well anywho…

2509126191_73481196c9_oShawn Johnson was a product of the great state of Iowa, which just so happens to be the home of this wonderful blog. So, as you can imagine, we were all very excited to have an Iowan native in the Olympics and we were all rooting for her to do well…..

And that is where one of our writers took a dark turn off a steep cliff we all call, “Perverts Ville”. Yes one of our writers was a little more excited about Shawn than the rest of us. (Or any adult male legally should have been) And that started a very lively crossfire of comments for this post. That is the exact reason why I am flashing back to this story. The comments for it are just as good (And in some cases, just as demented) as the story itself.

So please take a few moments to read through the post and then strap yourself in for the comments that followed. Pay very close attention to the comments from an individual known only as Billy. His are quite funny and possibly criminal.

Enjoy

Click here to go to the post.

Just popped in to say “Hi”…. Oh, and here are a few other projects I’m working on

Hey all, just wanted to check in and let you know that the movie is going well.

OK, maybe not well… but it is going. Had some trouble with the local authorities. Apparently some people have issues with my film crew pillaging the small towns around here. Also, did you know that in some countries it is illegal to run through the streets wearing a pink tootoo and jelly donuts as a bra, exclaiming you are an angry God and demanding all the local virgins come to the town square for a SpaghettiO’s bath and spankings? Some places have no culture I guess.

I also want to take a moment to thank Shana for the great job she is doing. Because of her hard work, we are now a pay-per-view site. I figured I’d have to go back to showing barn yard porn again to charge for views… But apparently she knows away around that, and can make people pay for things other than porn.  Amazing what science can do these days.

Because of the great reception the Hot Lard movie is getting. I’d like to show you some other projects I have worked on or will be working on soon. I don’t want to brag, but I’m seeing an Oscar sitting in the Hot Lard women’s room trophy case in the near future.

KITTY WARRIOR

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THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!

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OK Hot Lard readers I have something important to tell you, so sit down and shut the hell up.

In my absence we are going to have a guest author filling in. Shana Rae of Network Rae has graciously accepted an invitation (A royal invitation) to be an author on Hot Lard.

Now before I turn her loose on the lot of you. I have a few things I need to let you know…. AND a few rules to go over with you.

monty-pythons-flying-circus-john-cleeses-personal-best-20060412034952302First, Shana is from the UK, so she will most likely interject a certain class and sophistication to this site that a lot of you are not used to or ready for.

Most likely, she will use things like….. Words… and Punctuation…. and Correct Grammar. These are things that I have never found to be very import for a Blog, but I hear the British do.

So as you read along with one of her posts, please do not let your head explode…. It makes a real mess that’s hard to clean up.

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mericaAlso there may be some cultural differences. Most of my readers are from the states, so you are interested in things like…. Monster Trucks…. Explosions…. Double Bacon Cheeseburgers…. You know, the important stuff.

The British on the other hand, are a more refine and civil culture. They are more into…. The Fine Arts….. Global Economics…. and really Really REALLY big Ferris Wheels. You may also read some words that make no sense to you. That is because the British speak another language. Don’t be surprises to read such things like… “Whilst”… or “Tea Time”…. or even “Ni” (I really like Ni). And whatever you do, do not say anything bad about the Queen. The rock band, not the monarchy. I really like the music of Queen and I will not have them bad mouthed here. However, if she starts to talk about One Direct, I give you all permission to attack.

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A little culture and class may do you all good. It’s about time that my readers see what else the world has to offer. Who knows, you may all embrace these new things, rather than your normal first instinct of killing it with fire.

OK, now for the rules!!!!

We will all behave in Shana’s presents. I have given her the same permissions I have, so that means she can come to your homes and shave your hair off if you act up.

im_off_to_do_british_things_pinback_buttons-rf8874d46c4a14dfdaf9bfdea65e599db_x7j12_8byvr_512Elizabeth… Shana knows you like to use fake names, so just stick to your real one.

Cat, please take a grapefruit off your head and sit in your chair,

Buffalo Tom, keep your pants on. We all know you are a male cat, we do not need proof.

Steve, no she does not want to play doctor.

Sloth……… ummmmm..Well, just don’t bite this one, please.

And the rest of you mind your manners also. I’m not far away and if I hear you have been out of line, I will turn the car around and no visit to gramma’s house.

I know you will all enjoy Shana in my absence. Please make her feel welcome. Shana, have fun. As I have already told you, there are no rules. Write about whatever you want (Except One Direct) and if the readers start getting that “Deer in the head lights” look to them,  just stick words like, Butt, Fart, & Poopypants into the post and they will snap right out of it.

Enjoy!!!

Been Busy – Going to stay busy – Here is some shit to get you by…

I want to take a moment and apologize to my followers and the people I follow for not being diligent in reading your posts and getting back to your comments. I have been extremely busy the past few weeks with work and unfortunately, I will remain busy for the next couple of months. (Golly, it really sucks growing up)

I just wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten about you….. OK, some of you I do choose to forget, but the voices in my head keep reminding me of your existence and how important you all are to the master plan of world domination…. Errrr, I may have just said too much.

Anywho…

I wanted to ask you all to please be patient with me, I will get with you and your posts as much as I can, and will try to eek out a post here and there during this busy time.

In the meantime, here are a few observations to tide you over until I get back to blogging full time…

Enjoy…

If the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were told today, this is how I believe it would end.

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If the Harry Potter movies where made in the 80’s, how do you think they would have looked?

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It’s probably not a good idea to give a blowjob to a stranger at a Rave…

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Large people and water sports, don’t mix…

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qDIUrBefore any of you start to bitch and moan about this one. I am a large person, so it’s OK for me to say this. Plus I was politically correct and referred to these individuals as a “large person”….. But I have lost 60lbs in the last 6 months, and I plan on losing 60 more. After that I will be skinny & they will become “Fat Bastards”….. and it will probably be NOT OK for me to say that then…. Like that ever stopped me before.  

My coffee was really hot this morning…

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Everything is better in 3D!

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Nothing can compare to the awe and sheer beauty of witnessing a unicorn fart.

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Sometimes you just have to go with your gut and say, “Yeah, I can get into this car.”

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This is my lunch when I’m busy at work…

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Maybe I should try to multitask my lunch with other things….

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Or maybe it is just time to find a new career….

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But I really do love my job… I’m just not sure if it really loves me…

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If only we could just wish for what we truly desired….

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I’d wish for some Pizza Fries!!!

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One last thing to keep you entertained while I’m absent.

Click on the picture of the ghost and drag it around the screen… It makes it look like my site is haunted… That should keep you busy for hours. I know it has me!!!!

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Finding the person behind the dot – A second dot from overseas

A new dot has stepped forward to be claimed as a person. Shana Rae is the author of the much coveted Network Rae. Shana is from the UK, so I guess it is appropriate for me to say….“Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie.” (chuckles with class) I’m so worldly, I know.

Being this blog is from the UK, I’m sure you are thinking it is all about, knights of the round table, Princess Diana flat wear, and tea & strumpets…. BUT YOU’D BE WRONG!!!!! Damn, what a bunch stereotypically, bad people your are….  It’s about hating the French, Saucy Bangers, soccer hooliganism, and bad teeth.  Sorry Shana, not all people are as open minded as I am.

Actually this blog is about all sorts of things… Including, Dr Who, weird trumpet noises, a hatred of Facebook, and tinfoil hats.  I haven’t been stalking Shana for very long. But I knew after an interesting comment exchange we had, I could see us taking long walks on the beach, admiring the sunset, going to exotic places to meet interesting people and killing them.

Comment exchange found in Hot Lard Readers page

Shana Rae says

I’ve got my tinfoil hat on, you’ll never find me now!

Ervin Sholpnick says:

Shana… (Place Darth Vader breathing sound effect here)
Come to the dark side….. Give me your location and we shall rule the universe together!!!
Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father…….
I… (Spoiler Alert)
I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!

Shana Rae says:

*Peeks out from under her tinfoil hat* You haz cookies? I’ll come to the darkside for cookies…

…Daddy?? *faints*

Ervin Sholpnick says:

Yah, Yah, Yah, you can have a cookie… just don’t tell your mother.
Now take off the damn hat and reveal the location of the rebel base…. (storms out of room to recharge his asthma helmet.)

Shana Rae says:

*Takes the cookie* Alright I shall reveal all…it’s situated in *cough, splutter, she chokes on the cookie before the location can be revealed*

Ervin Sholpnick says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(Crushes the room around him with the force)

Next shot we see Vader standing on the bridge of his ship looking out at an unfinished Death Star…. Then turns on the space windshield wipers, only to find it was just a big space bug’s guts splatter on the windshield….. He then looks out into the darkness to a realization that he is alone….. so very alone.

fade to black

Fin

After that I knew she would fit right in with the Hot Lard crowd. I also notified the local authorities to lock her in a padded room for the general public’s safety. Shana, they will find you, so stop hiding!!!

When you get a chance, please check out Shana’s blog. I guarantee you’ll get a good laugh. Plus the number hits she gets, will determine if she is let out of the asylum or not.

Once again, if you would like to be added to the map, please leave me your location in a comment. I do already know where many of you are located (Thanks to the Death Ray Satellite). But I will not assume you want to be mentioned. I will only do it, if you tell me it is OK.

Click to enlarge map

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