My Thoughts by Ervin Sholpnick – I like Melons

I like melons….

No, I LOVE melons!!!!

The more the better.

I love all kinds of melons.

I love small melons that fit nicely in your hand and you don’t have to stretch your mouth too much to suck on them.

I love medium melons that feel so go in your face when you dive into them.

But I love big melons the best. I love how they are shaped and feel. I don’t care if I slobber all over them as I stick them in my face.  It’s amazing to watch how big young melons can defy gravity.

Yup… Big, Fat, Tasty, Melons are the Best!!!!

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rmliuWhat!?!?!? This is a picture of me and my favorite big melon….

You thought I was talking about something else, didn’t you? Yeah sick bastard!!!!

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Oh, but here are some nice boobs to look at also…. I like boobies too.

SNKtL6s

hC6BA29CC

Hot Lard Flashback – I Dream of Shawn Johnson

I have a convention to attend this week. So I’m going to try and knock out a few posts today to make you (My wonderful readers) happy.

My first submission is another flashback to the days when Hot Lard was king, because there were nothing but a group of pervs working here.  And this post was extra pervy, because it was written about America’s Olympic sweetheart, Shawn Johnson. You remember her don’t you? She was in the 2008 Olympics…. you know the Olympics… It’s that thing they have every four years to see what country is the best … America or China. Yes, the Olympics, that thing that our very new and very popular president pulled out all the stops in 2008 to make a bid for it to come to America in 2016. He sent our ambassador of power and free car giveaways “Oprah” to campaign for us. With her power and his charm we were a shoe-in to get the nod. And after all that, and millions of dollars of tax payer money was spent….. The Olympics went to Brazil and the good ole USA finished 6th or 7th in the voting.

Well anywho…

2509126191_73481196c9_oShawn Johnson was a product of the great state of Iowa, which just so happens to be the home of this wonderful blog. So, as you can imagine, we were all very excited to have an Iowan native in the Olympics and we were all rooting for her to do well…..

And that is where one of our writers took a dark turn off a steep cliff we all call, “Perverts Ville”. Yes one of our writers was a little more excited about Shawn than the rest of us. (Or any adult male legally should have been) And that started a very lively crossfire of comments for this post. That is the exact reason why I am flashing back to this story. The comments for it are just as good (And in some cases, just as demented) as the story itself.

So please take a few moments to read through the post and then strap yourself in for the comments that followed. Pay very close attention to the comments from an individual known only as Billy. His are quite funny and possibly criminal.

Enjoy

Click here to go to the post.

Descent Into Darkness – Conclusion

The first part of the story, Descent Into Darkness

I’m not sure whether it was the light from the torch or my screaming that startled the creature, because that is how it appeared to me, it was more scared of me, than I was of it. The figure before me was only vaguely humanoid in its appearance, it wasn’t a pretty sight, torn pieces of flesh were hanging off almost as if someone had tried to put it through a mincer, I shuddered at the thought.

Then it started to growl and it dawned on me that it was out of pain, nothing threatening about it at all. As I stepped out of the elevator, the creature turned and fled at such speed it was nothing more than a blur. Completely at a loss to explain what I’d seen, or how I ended up here, I decided that I would try and find where the creature had gone. It had obviously provided me with a torch for a reason.

Shining the torch around, I pretty soon realised I wasn’t in a cave or an old mine, this place was man-made, and I use that term loosely, because what little I could see by the light of the torch, looked decidely alien to me. I looked at the torch, there was nothing alien about that, it was standard military issue…aliens, military…was this one of the Underground Bases I’d heard so much about? There was only one way to find out, without a moments hesitation I headed down the corridor in the direction the creature had disappeared.

After some ten minutes, maybe longer, it was easy to lose track of time in the dark, the corridor opened out into a room, it was hard to see how large it was, the torch had a limited range, the beam illuminated very little, but as I turned round, the creature appeared in the light, it was standing next to a control panel of some kind. I walked over to join him, I’d decided to assign a gender as thinking of him as an it didn’t seem right, and made him less of a creature and more of a being, an alien. He pointed to the panel, then to my hand, looking closely at the panel it was covered in strange symbols, nothing I could understand, neither did I understand what the alien wanted of me. He held his hand up flat then pointed to the panel again.

“You want me to put my hand on the panel? Why? What will happen?”

I sensed the alien was getting agitated, so with a resigned sigh, I placed my hand on the panel, and held my breath.

When lights started to come on around the room I almost laughed, all he’d wanted me to do was switch the power on, though I almost wish I hadn’t because I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. It was a vast room and along the walls were large tubes, I assumed some kind of glass, and in each one, an alien seemingly asleep, they must be stasis units, now I needed some answers. As I turned to face the alien there was an ear-splitting screech, I thought it would make my ears bleed.

“Sorry, translator not used for a long time…” The alien looked at me in a sort of alien apologetic way. It was then I noticed that one of the stasis tubes was broken, only a small opening, but there were pieces of flesh stuck to the edges, I quickly concluded that for whatever reason, this alien had fought to get out, hence his appearance, it must have been one hell of a fight.

“Time is short, I will explain” I nodded, eager to hear what he had to say, he continued. “We came here as observers, to help humans evolve, to share our technology, but humans were not ready, so we slept and waited. Then they discovered us, there was a secret base above here, they drilled down at first, then extended the shaft, but they never even worked out how to turn the lights on”

I wasn’t sure if it was the translation device not working correctly, or if the alien just wasn’t making any sense. “Who is they?”

“They wandered around, got very frustrated, then left and never came back, and now you are here”

“Will you please tell me who they are? If you were in stasis, how did you know they were here? I need more details…”

“You are not ready, not awake, one day you will have all the answers, wrong time”

“I want answers now, I presume that somehow you bought me down here, you wanted me to see all this…wait a minute…if I was able to activate the power, why couldn’t they?”

The alien grabbed hold of my hand tightly. “Because you are one of us” There was a blinding flash of light, then nothing but darkness.

With a jolt I woke up and found myself sitting at my desk, it took me a moment to get myself together, had I just dozed off and had a weird dream, only one way to find out. I ran over to the elevator, stepped inside and pressed the ‘down’ button, nothing happened, I looked around feeling dazed as the memory of ‘the dream’ started to fade and I wondered what I was doing in the elevator.

Pouring myself a cup of coffee I returned to my office, there in the middle of my desk lay a standard military issue torch.
by Shana