I can personally relate to all of these……

I guess for some of us, sharing is not a good thing…..

Observations – 10/6/2013

Time for a few new observations. These are ones,  I had made over the weekend.  I promise that after reading this batch, you will have a new lease on life.  If not, well…. you’re just reading them wrong I guess.

What I believe happens when a woman discovers a new speed setting on her vibrator.

I was looking through some old photo albums and found an old class picture…. Can you guess witch one is me?

At the Hot Lard day care…. Two babies enter, only one will leave.

I’m sure he is just telling her ghost stories under there.

A Hot Lard fan asked me to text her a picture of my penis….. So this is what I sent.

I really hate peeing after sex…

Since the show was cancelled, the Planet Express building has fallen into disrepair.

So….. This is Yoga…… Yeah, I could get into this, I guess.

I believe that for some, this replaces Disney Land as the happiest place on earth.

I’ve really started getting into art…

This reminds me of those pee dreams I have…

This is what it’s like for me coming into the office on Monday, after a week of vacation.

Goddammit!!! You put clear and brown bottles in the same can again….

Meanwhile, at Burger King…

Physics wins again!!!

The government shutdown has affected PBS particularly hard.

Grimace has had it with your shit…

This is quite possibly the happiest cat on the planet.

You only have one chance to make a first impression….

I bet this just scares the shit out of vegetarians… It makes me hard.

I believe my house is haunted…. and the ghost does not like my cat.

You need to click on the gif to see it.

The scale of success is not at the same level for all….

Just finished watching The Notebook with some friends…

Sometimes I weep when I think about our countries future.

There is nothing quite like sharing a great view with a friend…

I miss the days when, “Fly the Friendly Skies” really meant something…

It doesn’t matter how sweet and sentimental the moment is….. There is always someone there to fuck with it.

Is it just me…. Or is this a picture of a snowman committing suicide with his children?

And finally….

You ever wonder what a horse sees???

I just lost another follower…

I lost another follower…  And it just kills me when that happens. I’m serious, it hurts me to my core.

What did I do wrong?

Was it something I said?

Was it something I didn’t say?

Is there anything I can do to win you back????

Sigh…. Like the old saying goes, “Once a love is truly lost, there is no winning it back. All one can do, is work twice as hard on the next love”.

Or…..

I could just hunt them down and do something really despicable to them.

Yeah…. That’s a much better plan.

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Speak Out

I’ve always found it very easy to speak out and say what needs to be said.

But then they told me it was just turrets.

My Thoughts by Ervin Sholpnick – I like Melons

I like melons….

No, I LOVE melons!!!!

The more the better.

I love all kinds of melons.

I love small melons that fit nicely in your hand and you don’t have to stretch your mouth too much to suck on them.

I love medium melons that feel so go in your face when you dive into them.

But I love big melons the best. I love how they are shaped and feel. I don’t care if I slobber all over them as I stick them in my face.  It’s amazing to watch how big young melons can defy gravity.

Yup… Big, Fat, Tasty, Melons are the Best!!!!

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What!?!?!? This is a picture of me and my favorite big melon….

You thought I was talking about something else, didn’t you? Yeah sick bastard!!!!

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Oh, but here are some nice boobs to look at also…. I like boobies too.

My thoughts by Ervin Sholpnick – Music

Justin Bieber & Miley Cyrus make me very happy that I’m old.

Some “Observations” I have made while being really busy.

Still very busy at work. But wanted to bounce a few new observations off of you all. Hopefully I’ll be back to full time blogging in a few weeks.

Oh… and Butt… Fart… Crotch … There you go, it’s now an official Hot Lard post.

Enjoy,

I wonder how the movie “The Shining” would have looked if it was filmed in a Target store?

I don’t think this box should be opened….. EVER!!!!

That is a really really long time to wait for your bags…

Fuck that…..

I really, Really, REALLY hate to open these!!!

I also hate when commercials over act how fucked we are without their product. 

I often wonder what women dream about…

I got physically hard when I saw this photos…. I can hardly wait for the sequel.

Daughter has a date tonight… Better start getting ready.

I think I’ll just stay in today….

I bet the clown was very relaxed and satisfied after she finished…

These two always show up early for Dog Poker Night.

Looks like there is a Coke deal going down…

Maybe wearing a coat on picture day was not such a good idea.

I miss my old CAD system…

Why are black people so against Fruit Ninja…

Sometimes I feel like this while climbing the corporate ladder.

It’s always good to keep your priorities straight….

Let’s play Cowboys & Indians… You can be the boobies….

I really hate it when news reporters show up when I’m moving….

I believe “The Life of Pi” would have looked like this, if it was filmed in 2D only.

Please, Please, Please, never drink and drive.

Sometimes, old school is better than nu skool…

If you are bored with the ghost I left you to play with in my last Observations…. Here is something else to keep you occupied for a few hours.

THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!

OK Hot Lard readers I have something important to tell you, so sit down and shut the hell up.

In my absence we are going to have a guest author filling in. Shana Rae of Network Rae has graciously accepted an invitation (A royal invitation) to be an author on Hot Lard.

Now before I turn her loose on the lot of you. I have a few things I need to let you know…. AND a few rules to go over with you.

First, Shana is from the UK, so she will most likely interject a certain class and sophistication to this site that a lot of you are not used to or ready for.

Most likely, she will use things like….. Words… and Punctuation…. and Correct Grammar. These are things that I have never found to be very import for a Blog, but I hear the British do.

So as you read along with one of her posts, please do not let your head explode…. It makes a real mess that’s hard to clean up.

Also there may be some cultural differences. Most of my readers are from the states, so you are interested in things like…. Monster Trucks…. Explosions…. Double Bacon Cheeseburgers…. You know, the important stuff.

The British on the other hand, are a more refine and civil culture. They are more into…. The Fine Arts….. Global Economics…. and really Really REALLY big Ferris Wheels. You may also read some words that make no sense to you. That is because the British speak another language. Don’t be surprises to read such things like… “Whilst”… or “Tea Time”…. or even “Ni” (I really like Ni). And whatever you do, do not say anything bad about the Queen. The rock band, not the monarchy. I really like the music of Queen and I will not have them bad mouthed here. However, if she starts to talk about One Direct, I give you all permission to attack.

A little culture and class may do you all good. It’s about time that my readers see what else the world has to offer. Who knows, you may all embrace these new things, rather than your normal first instinct of killing it with fire.

OK, now for the rules!!!!

We will all behave in Shana’s presents. I have given her the same permissions I have, so that means she can come to your homes and shave your hair off if you act up.

Elizabeth… Shana knows you like to use fake names, so just stick to your real one.

Cat, please take a grapefruit off your head and sit in your chair,

Buffalo Tom, keep your pants on. We all know you are a male cat, we do not need proof.

Steve, no she does not want to play doctor.

Sloth……… ummmmm..Well, just don’t bite this one, please.

And the rest of you mind your manners also. I’m not far away and if I hear you have been out of line, I will turn the car around and no visit to gramma’s house.

I know you will all enjoy Shana in my absence. Please make her feel welcome. Shana, have fun. As I have already told you, there are no rules. Write about whatever you want (Except One Direct) and if the readers start getting that “Deer in the head lights” look to them,  just stick words like, Butt, Fart, & Poopypants into the post and they will snap right out of it.

Enjoy!!!

Finding the person behind the dot – A second dot from overseas

A new dot has stepped forward to be claimed as a person. Shana Rae is the author of the much coveted Network Rae. Shana is from the UK, so I guess it is appropriate for me to say….“Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie.” (chuckles with class) I’m so worldly, I know.

Being this blog is from the UK, I’m sure you are thinking it is all about, knights of the round table, Princess Diana flat wear, and tea & strumpets…. BUT YOU’D BE WRONG!!!!! Damn, what a bunch stereotypically, bad people your are….  It’s about hating the French, Saucy Bangers, soccer hooliganism, and bad teeth.  Sorry Shana, not all people are as open minded as I am.

Actually this blog is about all sorts of things… Including, Dr Who, weird trumpet noises, a hatred of Facebook, and tinfoil hats.  I haven’t been stalking Shana for very long. But I knew after an interesting comment exchange we had, I could see us taking long walks on the beach, admiring the sunset, going to exotic places to meet interesting people and killing them.

Comment exchange found in Hot Lard Readers page

Shana Rae says

I’ve got my tinfoil hat on, you’ll never find me now!

Ervin Sholpnick says:

Shana… (Place Darth Vader breathing sound effect here)
Come to the dark side….. Give me your location and we shall rule the universe together!!!
Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father…….
I… (Spoiler Alert)
I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!

Shana Rae says:

*Peeks out from under her tinfoil hat* You haz cookies? I’ll come to the darkside for cookies…

…Daddy?? *faints*

Ervin Sholpnick says:

Yah, Yah, Yah, you can have a cookie… just don’t tell your mother.
Now take off the damn hat and reveal the location of the rebel base…. (storms out of room to recharge his asthma helmet.)

Shana Rae says:

*Takes the cookie* Alright I shall reveal all…it’s situated in *cough, splutter, she chokes on the cookie before the location can be revealed*

Ervin Sholpnick says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(Crushes the room around him with the force)

Next shot we see Vader standing on the bridge of his ship looking out at an unfinished Death Star…. Then turns on the space windshield wipers, only to find it was just a big space bug’s guts splatter on the windshield….. He then looks out into the darkness to a realization that he is alone….. so very alone.

fade to black

Fin

After that I knew she would fit right in with the Hot Lard crowd. I also notified the local authorities to lock her in a padded room for the general public’s safety. Shana, they will find you, so stop hiding!!!

When you get a chance, please check out Shana’s blog. I guarantee you’ll get a good laugh. Plus the number hits she gets, will determine if she is let out of the asylum or not.

Once again, if you would like to be added to the map, please leave me your location in a comment. I do already know where many of you are located (Thanks to the Death Ray Satellite). But I will not assume you want to be mentioned. I will only do it, if you tell me it is OK.

Click to enlarge map