Hot Lard Flashback – I Dream of Shawn Johnson

I have a convention to attend this week. So I’m going to try and knock out a few posts today to make you (My wonderful readers) happy.

My first submission is another flashback to the days when Hot Lard was king, because there were nothing but a group of pervs working here.  And this post was extra pervy, because it was written about America’s Olympic sweetheart, Shawn Johnson. You remember her don’t you? She was in the 2008 Olympics…. you know the Olympics… It’s that thing they have every four years to see what country is the best … America or China. Yes, the Olympics, that thing that our very new and very popular president pulled out all the stops in 2008 to make a bid for it to come to America in 2016. He sent our ambassador of power and free car giveaways “Oprah” to campaign for us. With her power and his charm we were a shoe-in to get the nod. And after all that, and millions of dollars of tax payer money was spent….. The Olympics went to Brazil and the good ole USA finished 6th or 7th in the voting.

Well anywho…

Shawn Johnson was a product of the great state of Iowa, which just so happens to be the home of this wonderful blog. So, as you can imagine, we were all very excited to have an Iowan native in the Olympics and we were all rooting for her to do well…..

And that is where one of our writers took a dark turn off a steep cliff we all call, “Perverts Ville”. Yes one of our writers was a little more excited about Shawn than the rest of us. (Or any adult male legally should have been) And that started a very lively crossfire of comments for this post. That is the exact reason why I am flashing back to this story. The comments for it are just as good (And in some cases, just as demented) as the story itself.

So please take a few moments to read through the post and then strap yourself in for the comments that followed. Pay very close attention to the comments from an individual known only as Billy. His are quite funny and possibly criminal.

Enjoy

Click here to go to the post.

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – The Troubles of Life

War

Immigration Reform

Pollution

Unemployment

Race Relations

Illness

Gas Prices

Gangs

Global Warming

Gun Laws

Terroist

Taxes

Health Care

Hate……………………………………………………………………………………….

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College Football starts this weekend…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Worst Photo Journalist Ever

Huh…? What…? They have donuts at the concession stand…? May as well get some, nothings happening in this race anyway.

O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Rio gets the Olympics, Obama fails…Again!

So after spending millions of dollars of the tax payers money to fly his Commander and Chieflyness, her first lady likeness and the Oprah-nator to some third-world shit-hole so they could  suck up to the IOC to get the Olympics (YAWN!) in Chicago…. It goes to Rio.

That was money well spent.  We didn’t even finish in the top two spots!!! Hell, they could have sent me, a sex starved midget with genital warts, and a one legged Asian hooker with turrets and we could have gotten the same results for a lot less money.

On second thought, from what I know of the IOC, my group may have won the bid.

What was the deciding factor that lost is for us???  Oprah wouldn’t give the chairman of the IOC anal. Dammit Oprah… Take one for the team!!!!

Who the fuck forgot to bring the Pepperidge Farm Cookies, the Wesson oil, and child prostitute for the IOC board?!?!?!?!?!?

Ahhhhhhhhhh….. it’s OK, nobody in this country really gives a rats ass about the Olympics anyway… They’re about as gay as Soccer… About.

Iowa Hawkeye Demotivation

We are still in prison…errrrrrrrrrrrrr I mean on vacation.

But after the bitch slap the Iowa Hawkeyes laid on the Penn State …. Ummmm, they’re called the Silly Little Bitches aren’t they???

Well any-who, I had to create a couple of posters to mark this great victory.

GO HAWKS!

We’re Away…

Click picture

Demotivation of the Day 2/27/2009

The Count sent me this picture and I had to make a poster for it.

Bruce Springsteen shoves his junk in your face

Democrat supporter, Bruce Springsteen celebrated Barack Obama’s presidential win at Sunday’s Super Bowl halftime show by shoving his junk in your face.

Next we’ll have Katie Couric and Chris Matthews having dirty anus sex on Face the Nation.

Things Minnesota Vikings fans can do during the NFL playoffs

If you have been following our recent posts about the NFL playoffs, I feel it necessary to update everyone that Ervin‘s beloved Minnesota Vikings did not advance past the Philadelphia Eagles in a stunning loss.

Therefore, here are some things Ervin and his passionate followers can do while the good teams duke it out for the next few weekends.

Finally get around to clipping and cleaning your toenails.

Visit the dentist

Enjoy your favorite beverage

Visit your optometrist

Masturbate to something good again

Sorry, but I had to add this last picture.  🙂

I think my new favorite thing is to watch reaction videos of people watching shock videos.  Here is a pretty funny one of Joe Rogan watching 2 Girls 1 Cup.