(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib #11 (Midget Porn)

Announcer: OK Kids, grab a seat and put on your happy fun – fun hats, because it’s time for the Uncle Ervin show!!!

Kids in the audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!!

Announcer: The Uncle Ervin show, brought to you by the makers of “Heroin Gum”. Why shoot it when you can chew it? And Gary’s house of Latex and Ball Gags; Gifts that show that special someone, you are the master. Now get on your knees and bark like a dog.

And here is the star of the show… UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNCLLLLLLLLLLLE ERVIN!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin

Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: Hey Kids!!!

 Kid in audience: HEY UNCLE ERVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: Golly gee whiz, I hope you are all ready for a really super good show today. We have all sorts of really fun and exciting things to do. Today we have Dr. Rustytools, the back alley gynecologist. He is here to give free exams to all you boys and girls in that dark windowless room at the back of the studio. We also have Zoo Keeper Willy here to show us the mating habits of Northeastern Pigmy Wombat. He’ll also show you how to push your mean older brother into the bear pit and make it look like an accident.

Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: It’s also career day at the Uncle Ervin show. We have Sparkles, the one legged hooker that hangs out by the dumpster in the alley behind the Slurp N’ Puke convenience store. She will be showing you young career minded ladies how to avoid STDs. We also h….

Lights start flashing: BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP.

Uncle Ervin: Uh Oh….. You know what that means???

Kids in audience: Unwanted rectal exam time!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: NO!!!! You little bastards promised to never talk about that………….   It’s time for a Hot Lard Mad Lib.

Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: Yes, a Hot Lard mad lib. Where we tell a happy story of love, puppies, and ice cream rain storms, using the search terms you little monkey spankers from our audience have used to find the Hot Lard web site.

Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: Billy, do you remember when you searched for two retarded midgets trying to hump a turtle?

Billy: Golly Uncle Ervin, I sure do!!!

Uncle Ervin: You had to do some hard time for that one, didn’t you?

Billy: I sure did! Got to shank me a few bitches while in the hole too!!!

Uncle Ervin: And Sally; how did your search for fat people wearing thongs turn out for you?

Sally: I’m still in therapy, Uncle Ervin.

Uncle Ervin: Huh, Huh, huh… I’m sure you are little Sally… I’m sure you are.

Announcer: OK, for those of you who do not know how this works. The bold words in the upcoming story are the search terms that you evil Internet dwellers have used to somehow find your way to Hot Lard. So as you read along, remember…. We did not write this… YOU DID!!!! And may God have mercy on your souls.

Midget Porn and the quest for lazy housewife sex

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Once upon a time Midget Porn was out riding his trusty crack whore named side boob. When he happened across despicable me minion porn and Walmart sluts having eiffel tower sex with the ugly naked girls of the blowjobs in public clan. They all started kissing girls and watching star trek porn while the tattoo of the year and it actually eats banana pussy monkey played with its naked retards.

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Suddenly a lesbian gymnast and her russian whore showed up with Super Tard and demanded butt sex and blowjob motivational posters from all the naked midgets. It was up to cliff claven on brain cells to find naked pictures of the Olsen twins while an old drunk nude redneck tried to lick my balls on his 300lbs and pregnant wife who liked to read incest caption tricks and blowjob motivation.

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But the carpet munchers wanted gay midget porn search engines to help them with midget christmas porn and midget women with animals. It was up to Midget porn and his trusty sidekick man boobs to show the power of mullet porn and ass sex fails. But first poopy fingers and the fat sexy woman had to logon to grannymidgetporn.com to see naked boating with top 10midget pornstars and hilary duff boobs pictures.

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At that very moment girls in skin tight shorts wanted to know what fucking channels mediacom offers in their packages. Which meant olympic lesbian kissing in 2008 would need more anal demotivation to ward off Scooby doo porn and midget ass. But how could this be done when barnyard porn would have humor porn while watching wii fit trainer porn with midget hookers and their fat guys in thongs while posing for anal sex posters showing the original care bears with naked hookers on crack.

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But everyone was saved when puke sex and Amy Winehouse had happy birthday porn with macaulay culkin. Then they declared that American midgets are the hottest so everyone could now pull my finger to stop the anal sex monsters from pouring lard on fat gay midgets in a thong. Everyone was so happy they told free fictional teen runaway sex stories and showed their daughter’s hot friend how to have zelda sex with tongue kissing girls.

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The pamela anderson talks blowjobs End

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Finding the Person(s) Behind the Dot – A new dot has been unearthed

Hello Hot Lard loyal readers…. and those of you forced to read us as part of your community service.  Hey, if you’re going to do the crime, you have to be ready to do the time. And reading Hot Lard is defiantly hard time.

andyWe have unearthed a new dot on the readers map. The site is called Andy Kaufman’s Kavalkade (Didn’t Andy Kaufman play Jim Carrey in a movie about his life?)  and it is located in the great city of Fresno, California. Ahhhhh Fresno, the home of the……. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

What the fuck is in Fresno???? Really… What the hell is in Fresno????

Do people actually live there, or is it a penance you have to pay for doing something really bad in a former life. Maybe it’s sort of like a secrete draft, where people are picked in a lottery and told they have to spend the next several years in Fresno. Do we need to feel sorry for them, or treat them like criminals, because they got what they deserve?

Actually I’ve never been there, so I don’t really know anything about the place. That in turn makes it very easy for me to make fun of it. Nothing like striking out blindly at things you don’t know or understand.

One thing I do know though is that Andy Kaufman’s Kavalkade is spelled incorrectly, (At least my spell check thinks so) but they have a lot of really great stuff on their site. To start they have a staff of 18 writers that offer everything from Poetry to Politics. There is music and art and an intelligence in writing that I could only dream of achieving.  Their site is an example of what I’d love to see Hot Lard become some day….. Only with more penis and fart jokes that is.

To see their location on the Hot Lard readers map, plus a link to their site, just go to the Readers Map page. It’s the tab at the top of the page….

No, the top of the page…….

Look up….

No, you are looking left….

Up is towards the sky….

No, that is grass….

The sky is the blue stuff…..

Or brown if you live in Pittsburgh…..

Now you got it!!!

Just click on the tab and it will take you to the page with the map….

I….

I said click on the tab….

No, you are hitting your crotch….

I give up.

Just popped in to say “Hi”…. Oh, and here are a few other projects I’m working on

Hey all, just wanted to check in and let you know that the movie is going well.

OK, maybe not well… but it is going. Had some trouble with the local authorities. Apparently some people have issues with my film crew pillaging the small towns around here. Also, did you know that in some countries it is illegal to run through the streets wearing a pink tootoo and jelly donuts as a bra, exclaiming you are an angry God and demanding all the local virgins come to the town square for a SpaghettiO’s bath and spankings? Some places have no culture I guess.

I also want to take a moment to thank Shana for the great job she is doing. Because of her hard work, we are now a pay-per-view site. I figured I’d have to go back to showing barn yard porn again to charge for views… But apparently she knows away around that, and can make people pay for things other than porn.  Amazing what science can do these days.

Because of the great reception the Hot Lard movie is getting. I’d like to show you some other projects I have worked on or will be working on soon. I don’t want to brag, but I’m seeing an Oscar sitting in the Hot Lard women’s room trophy case in the near future.

KITTY WARRIOR

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R.I.P. The Love Boat

Before you start reading this post. You may want to click here and let it play in the background.

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I’d like to ask that we all take a moment of silence in remembrance of the late great Love Boat.

Yes, that’s right, the ship that took us on weekly, one hour journeys, into the love lives of D list Hollywood stars, has beento sent to the scrap yard. Where she will be stripped of her dignity, and precious metals, to be sold on the Turkish market.  As a child, I have fond memories of this ship and her crew, and their weekly mad cap adventures. And in just another sign of my impending mortality, one more snippet of my childhood has met with reality and has been crushed… Or in this case, cut up into several small pieces and sold to China to become disposable razor blades…  Or metal shavings in Dog Food.

The snap shot below, is the last we will ever see of her in one piece; it’s a sad shot of her in the Turkish ship breakup yard, waiting to be cut apart.

The Love Boat

But let’s not dwell on the bad, let’s remember the good feelings this ship brought its millions of passengers and viewers. charo_gavinLet’s remember the happy times and the smiles of the Hollywood stars that could not find any real work elsewhere. Let’s remember all the masturbation sessions that Charo’s guest appearances brought on.

Ahhhhhh yes, The Love Boat…. You will be missed.

Click here to see the story about her final voyage.

Oh, and it appears she is not going without a fight.  Click here to see.

For those of you having trouble coming to terms with this. Here is a picture of a God like kitty, moving through space on his bacon surf board….. Hopefully that will keep you going until you can see a therapist.

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Hot Lard Movie Review – Sharknado

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I know I am a little behind the curve on this one. But last night I had the pleasure of watching Sharknado for the first time and had to take a few minutes to put down my thoughts on this cinematic masterpiece.
I must admit that I went into this movie with high expectations. Not because it was to be a really good movie. But I knew it was really bad. I had read the reviews, heard about it on radio & TV and the general consensus was that this movie was so bad…. It was good.
I actually enjoy this type of movie. The one’s that didn’t make an enormous mark at the box-office or with critics, and in all reality are a bad movie. One of my most favorite movies of all time is “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. That is what I consider the golden standard of movies that are so bad, they are good.   Below is a guilty pleasure list of some (Not all) of the bad movies that I tend to enjoy to view.

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Dumb & Dumber (A True Masterpiece)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (The Gold Standard!!!)
Battleship
Star Trek the Motion Picture
Night of the Lepus
The Giant Claw
Them
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Mannequin
Troll 2
Flash Gordon
Idle Hands
Reefer Madness
Anaconda

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But unknown to many, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes had a squeal, that was equally bad… but not so bad it was good. And that is where I unfortunately have to place Sharknado.

Now let’s move to last night’s offering. Sharknado is in all counts a very, very bad movie. Bad on the level that makes its viewers angry to the point that they should pick up torches and pitch forks. Form an angry mob and march down to the offices of the SYFY network and demand a sacrifice of the executive staff that agreed to release this atrocity on the unknowing public. This movie was so bad, that I am sorry and very disappointed to admit that it will never make the list of the bad movies that are so bad they are good.

The reason I had such a negative reaction for this movie, is the fact that it didn’t even try to be good. Most bad movies at least try to be good. Even Plan 9 from Outer Space tried (albeit feebly) to be good.
Sharknado knew it was bad from the start and went downhill from there. The bad seemed to ooze from this movie, making it very hard to watch. They did not try at all to make you believe this was at all a dire situation. Let me explain…
As we see at the start of the movie, there is a hurricane moving towards the shore of California.  A hurricane… If I’m not mistaken, is some pretty bad shit. Buuuuut that does not seem to put a damper on the shore side amusement park and drinking crowd. Yes, that is correct, as Hurricane… ummmmm I don’t remember the name of the storm… But this hurricane is bearing down on the cost. The Bar…. THE SHORE SIDE BAR is still very full a patrons, playing pool, drink beer, and generally commiserating.

AND THEN LOW AND BEHOLD…

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This surprise storm (That everybody knew was coming) attacks the shore and its people with no provocation at all. It is hell bent on flooding the streets and filling them with sharks to eat all the drinking and pool playing people. So our heroes finally decide that maybe its time to close the bar and move to higher ground…… And what better place to go but Beverly Hills. They end up in the mansion of the ex-wife of main hero Mr. 90210. The ex-wife is played by none other than Terra Reed, who is a real treat in this movie. But I’ll get to that more in a bit.

Suddenly the mansion is full of water & sharks, so they have to get out quick. And it appears that on the outside of the house there is less water than there is inside of it. Again… Inside of the house, enough water for 3000 lbs sharks to swim… Outside, just puddles so you can drive your car.

We next find our hero (Mr. 90210) trying to save a bunch of kids stranded in a school bus that is slowly being overcome by water and sharks…. Some very clever camera angles were used to make sure we never see below the windows of the bus. Until the CG of the water and sharks could kick in that is. But you will notice that in the back ground of some of the shots, there appears to be normal traffic. No water, no sharks, no sign of people trying to get away from the storm that has reeked so much havoc on this city. Nope, none of that. Just normal folk driving around with no clue of the disasters that occurred and the heroism that was being performed just yards away from them. Well, they rescue all the kids, but the bus driver does die…. As if none of us saw that coming.

By this point I was on my fourth glass of wine and things started to get fuzzy. I vaguely remember our heroes making it to a liquor store. Then find the funds to buy a $50,000  vehicle when theirs goes belly up. Surviving a Sharknado at the airport that destroys every plane there……. Except one single helicopter. I believe this helo was used by the son of Mr. 90210 and the waitress that has a thing for Mr.90210 to throw bombs into the Sharknados to stop them…… Because a bar waitress is knowledgeable in these things I guess. And let me ask… where was the US government, city, and weather officials during this whole thing. Do we as a nation have to depend on bar patrons that don’t know enough to get out of a shore side bar before the hurricane hits to save us all?

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Let’s see… then the helo gets attacked by sharks and the professional bomb throwing into Sharknados waitress falls out of the helo and into the waiting mouth of a flying Great White. This is the only point of the movie I showed any emotion. It saddened me that the waitress and her boobies had died……. Or did they??????
In the final Cou-de-gra, Mr. 90210 saves his daughter by jumping into a flying Great White with a chain saw. I think you can actually hear the “Gulp” sound come from the shark as he swallows Mr. 90210. Everyone is sad as they look upon the shark as it lays there digesting Mr. 90210.

BUT THEN…….!

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Mr. 90210 chainsaws himself out of his tomb….. Plus he also rescues the waitress love interest. I guess he had enough wherewithal to watch out for any others that may have been inside the shark’s tummy as he jumped into it with a running chain saw. Apparently he missed the waitress altogether and was able to pull her out of the shark along with himself. Everyone smiles… The movie ends, and I died a little bit inside.???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way one of those art house movie critics that believes the only good movies are ones with gay cowboys eating pudding. I love cheesy movies! I normally enjoy the Saturday SYFY cheesy movie.  I believe a good movie should have at least one explosion in it every 24.68 minutes. (Oh yeah, that is how they lost the first truck… It had a small gas leak that waiting until everyone could get out and then run…  No, I mean “jog” away from it before it CG explodes) But Sharknado is nothing but a bad, bad movie that offers nothing to anyone.

Now, let me reflect on some of the good of this movie… Terra Reid.

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And when I say “Good”, I am referring to how she makes me feel about the decisions I have made in my life as compared to hers. Terra Reid is a complete waist. In this movie you can see she wasn’t even trying. Not to say that any of the other actors should be renting a tux for the Oscars anytime soon. But you can plainly see she was only there for the meager paycheck she was earning, and probably the free drinks they promise her for just showing up. The best parts of the movie where when something would happen and there would be a 3 second cut to Terra’s face in hopes she was paying attention long enough to try and put an expression on it.  Most of the time the expressions you got were…

“Oh Hum”, Terra

“Oh shit, was that my que?” Terra

This is me acting…. REALLY!!

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“Golly, I wonder if the janitor has any more of that Cherry Yum Diddly, Ripple left?” Terra

There was a time when Terra’s acting skills did not need to be great, because she was something nice to look at…. But that time has passed and the executives of Sharknado must have learned that because she has been cut from Sharknado 2.

So to recap, Sharknado sucked… It is not one of those movies, that is so bad it is good. I am really pissed off that I wasted 2 hours of my Saturday night watching it….. And I will probably still watch Sharknado 2 when it is released.