Farewell to Hot Lard

Shana stands quietly by her desk, wiping a tear from her eye she gathers her few belongings together and takes one last look around the office. The midgets, once stars of the epic Hot Lard porn movies now face an uncertain future, but are comforted by the fact that along with Shana, they have been booked for the christmas pantomime season, though they’re not sure what their roles will be…

Leaving a note for Ervin, wishing him all the best in his world domination plans, Shana leaves the building.

One Final Observation…

Life has a funny way of getting in the way of things we want to do.  When I was a kid I wanted to be an actor and make movies in Hollywood. But life had other plans for me.  I ended up serving in our nation’s military and then going to work in the oil and gas industry. I wanted to jet set around the world and experience new and wonderful things. But again life decided that a firmly planted father of two would be a better fit for me. I wanted to start my own website that had funny stories and would be world renown. And…. For a time, that appeared to be happening for Hot Lard. Back in 2008 and 2009 we were getting over a thousand hits a day and new readers throughout the world…..  But that pesky life thing stepped in again and decided that more responsibility from my main job was more important, and forced me away from Hot Lard for almost three years. I then decide to give Hot Lard one more chance and see if I still had it in me to do what I once did. And again, it looked like I was able to. I actually was able to restart Hot Lard, brought in new readers and was getting the hit count back up.  But….. Life has made its appearance again, and showed that it has other plans for me.  Plans that unfortunately do not allow me time to work on my blog.

So as of right now, I’m shutting down Hot Lard for good. I could see as time went on and I was finding it harder and harder to make time for this blog, I was eventually going to have to make a decision to either leave the site hanging again, for another long period of time before I could maybe come back to it. Or just shut it down and be done with it.  rip2Hot Lard is to near and dear to my heart to allow it to wallow in uncertainty again. That is why I’ve decide to just end it now and give this blog some finality.

I’d like to thank all of my readers for your time and wonderful comments. You have put a much bigger smile on my face, than I could have ever put on yours. You all have been an inspiration to me. I will try to pop into your blogs from time to time to give you a silly and off color comment. Just to keep you off guard.

But, I’m not going to leave you all without a parting gift. For my last post, I am doing a mash-up of some of the things I have done in the past.

I hope you enjoy it.


thumbs-up-low-resMr. Positive says…

All good things must come to an End.

And in the case of Hot Lard, some mediocre things too.


When I was younger and got high, this is how Oreo Cookies and all their God given creamy goodness looked to me.


I think they are running out of  Super Hero names…

Need to click on the gif to see it


Don’t be sad Hot Lard is shutting down. We will always be there in your dreams…McR7yfu

Click on this



What would cat porn look like?


Someone just farted… can you guess who it was?


Unnecessarily placing pixels on things, can give them an whole new meaning.

Need to click on the gif to see it  V4FDrs3


I said a diet Coke, dammit!!!


Some girls just don’t get into foreplay…


I wonder what most women dream of….?

Click to see


Oh before I forget… Happy Thanksgiving


And Merry Christmas…. Yes that’s right you tree hugging liberals. I said MERRY CHRISTMAS… Deal with it.


Now that I don’t have to blog daily , I’ll have more time to do some of the things I really enjoy…


Like good hygiene…

Need to click on the gif to see it


And doing my patriotic duty…


I could learn some new dance moves..




Or maybe I’ll get one of these on the beach…


But most likely, I’ll just sit back, relax and watch some really good porn with some friends.




















And finally….

Here are a few gifs to keep you busy until another Hot Lard web site is created.






And for those of you who just didn’t get me and my sense of humor…


And for those of you that followed my site and stayed with me to the end….

Click to see gif


God Bless & Good Bye


Sorry for the lack of Posts….

I want to apologized for the lack of posts recently. I have some perfectly reasonable excuses on why I have not been posting….

I’ve been very busy taking my dog to raves…


and it is impossible for me to create posts until the drugs wear off.


Because everything just feels wrong in the universe until they do…


Plus my wife showed me her new outfit and I don’t think she was happy with my reaction…


This is a peanut…

kvwFBOTThe aliens have landed, but I’m not sure what they want from us….


I think my car is trying to eat me….


Or maybe I’m just crazy….





So while you wait for me to return…. Here is some Muppet porn to watch.  2DraDDw

Observations – 10/11/2013

Here are a few of my Observations going into the weekend.

I really hate it when they put out S.N.M.G.F.I.E.H.P decorations this far ahead of S.N.M.G.F.I.E.H.P.


This is a sign of a summer well spent.


This car is so gay, it can’t even park straight in the driveway.


Since when are your eyes on the top of your fucking head?


Right now you are all looking at the hat with eyes…. But I want to point out his unzipped pants and partially exposed crotch…. You looked didn’t you? I bet you really hate me for that.  dUnI7jh

I truly love the arts…


How I feel when a cute girl smiles at me…


What I imaging I actually look like when a cute girl smiles at me.


I wonder if news casters get nervous? zNSnM1G

For some reason. I’m in the mood to listen to Pink Floyd….


Fuck You Kuala Bear…

You need to click on the gif to see it


I actually prefer the alternate ending to The Lion King.


I was asked if I knew “The Walking Dead” started this weekend…


(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib #11 (Midget Porn)

Announcer: OK Kids, grab a seat and put on your happy fun – fun hats, because it’s time for the Uncle Ervin show!!!

Kids in the audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!!

Announcer: The Uncle Ervin show, brought to you by the makers of “Heroin Gum”. Why shoot it when you can chew it? And Gary’s house of Latex and Ball Gags; Gifts that show that special someone, you are the master. Now get on your knees and bark like a dog.


Uncle Ervin

Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: Hey Kids!!!

 Kid in audience: HEY UNCLE ERVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: Golly gee whiz, I hope you are all ready for a really super good show today. We have all sorts of really fun and exciting things to do. Today we have Dr. Rustytools, the back alley gynecologist. He is here to give free exams to all you boys and girls in that dark windowless room at the back of the studio. We also have Zoo Keeper Willy here to show us the mating habits of Northeastern Pigmy Wombat. He’ll also show you how to push your mean older brother into the bear pit and make it look like an accident.


Uncle Ervin: It’s also career day at the Uncle Ervin show. We have Sparkles, the one legged hooker that hangs out by the dumpster in the alley behind the Slurp N’ Puke convenience store. She will be showing you young career minded ladies how to avoid STDs. We also h….

Lights start flashing: BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP.

Uncle Ervin: Uh Oh….. You know what that means???

Kids in audience: Unwanted rectal exam time!!!!!!

Uncle Ervin: NO!!!! You little bastards promised to never talk about that………….   It’s time for a Hot Lard Mad Lib.


Uncle Ervin: Yes, a Hot Lard mad lib. Where we tell a happy story of love, puppies, and ice cream rain storms, using the search terms you little monkey spankers from our audience have used to find the Hot Lard web site.


Uncle Ervin: Billy, do you remember when you searched for two retarded midgets trying to hump a turtle?

Billy: Golly Uncle Ervin, I sure do!!!

Uncle Ervin: You had to do some hard time for that one, didn’t you?

Billy: I sure did! Got to shank me a few bitches while in the hole too!!!

Uncle Ervin: And Sally; how did your search for fat people wearing thongs turn out for you?

Sally: I’m still in therapy, Uncle Ervin.

Uncle Ervin: Huh, Huh, huh… I’m sure you are little Sally… I’m sure you are.

Announcer: OK, for those of you who do not know how this works. The bold words in the upcoming story are the search terms that you evil Internet dwellers have used to somehow find your way to Hot Lard. So as you read along, remember…. We did not write this… YOU DID!!!! And may God have mercy on your souls.

Midget Porn and the quest for lazy housewife sex



Once upon a time Midget Porn was out riding his trusty crack whore named side boob. When he happened across despicable me minion porn and Walmart sluts having eiffel tower sex with the ugly naked girls of the blowjobs in public clan. They all started kissing girls and watching star trek porn while the tattoo of the year and it actually eats banana pussy monkey played with its naked retards.



Suddenly a lesbian gymnast and her russian whore showed up with Super Tard and demanded butt sex and blowjob motivational posters from all the naked midgets. It was up to cliff claven on brain cells to find naked pictures of the Olsen twins while an old drunk nude redneck tried to lick my balls on his 300lbs and pregnant wife who liked to read incest caption tricks and blowjob motivation.



But the carpet munchers wanted gay midget porn search engines to help them with midget christmas porn and midget women with animals. It was up to Midget porn and his trusty sidekick man boobs to show the power of mullet porn and ass sex fails. But first poopy fingers and the fat sexy woman had to logon to grannymidgetporn.com to see naked boating with top 10midget pornstars and hilary duff boobs pictures.


At that very moment girls in skin tight shorts wanted to know what fucking channels mediacom offers in their packages. Which meant olympic lesbian kissing in 2008 would need more anal demotivation to ward off Scooby doo porn and midget ass. But how could this be done when barnyard porn would have humor porn while watching wii fit trainer porn with midget hookers and their fat guys in thongs while posing for anal sex posters showing the original care bears with naked hookers on crack.


But everyone was saved when puke sex and Amy Winehouse had happy birthday porn with macaulay culkin. Then they declared that American midgets are the hottest so everyone could now pull my finger to stop the anal sex monsters from pouring lard on fat gay midgets in a thong. Everyone was so happy they told free fictional teen runaway sex stories and showed their daughter’s hot friend how to have zelda sex with tongue kissing girls.


The pamela anderson talks blowjobs End