Monthly Archives: October 2007

(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib Volume #4 (Midget Porn)

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Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

OK you group of sheep herders, it’s time once again for another Hot Lard Mad Lib. You know where the honest, wholesome, and church going folks of this spiritual web site, gets to take the unholy reference words you group of hairy palm demons use to somehow find our land of salvation here and turn them into a deranged and perverted story. One that can only be understood by the large forehead group that you are.

Remember the bold type words are the ones you Satan worshipers came up with.

Enjoy…

The Robust Adventures of Midget Porn!!!

MIDGET PORN was posting pictures of his mullet children and youtube anal sex on the child molester moustache web site when he noticed the longest pecker a crackwhore could swallow gallons of cum from and still remain a beaten wife that likes hot anal with midget carpet munchers.

Midget porn decided it was time to learn how to do anal sex with Vanessa Hudgens and Hairy midget wives.But first he wanted women thoughts on anal while viewing skinny midget porn on the same day his midget porn girl received a golden shower birthday card that explained Crackwhore anal sex.

This was great becausehot midgets with meximullets really liked lard ass porn that showed anal women squat on toilet bowl while being skull fucked by a gay midget who likes Dildo up the ass and dickchop.com

Suddenly his colostomy bag halloween costume was taken by girl midgets fucking to let midget hotties know about gonorrhea in women. So he had to grab his chainsaw teeth to ejaculate more on the dentist rapist who liked daily ejaculation best with anal sex and granny midget porn. When it was time to leave in his 1977 Camaro full of corvette hotties and naked rednecks he knew he first had to fuck a duck then kill the Vampire cow so all the fucked girls could eat sheep shit to enhance their hot anal sex in a lard river hot pool.

The end.

To see the other Mad Libs you sickos have come up with, click here.

My Thoughts by blstern (Frozen Peas)

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If you glued a bowl of frozen Peas to your head……..

Would dating be an issue? It would be embarrassing in the middle of the date if your peas started to melt and you would have pea juice running down your face. Then everyone would call you “Pee Face” and try to pee on you. That is unless they saw the semi frozen peas stuck to your head.

But they won’t because you’re so vain, you would wear a hat to cover them. So everyone would think you were called “Pee Face” because people pee on you and not for the frozen peas you are attached to.

Because of your stinking pride you would have to go through life smelling like urine because you’re to good to be seen with peas stuck to your head. People would see you and say “Hey, there’s Pee Face…..Let’s go drain the lizard on him”.

That’s what you get for not showing your true self.

blstern’s email exchange with a Nigerian Scammer and….. Denise?

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Just when I think things can’t get any weirder…

I have the following email exchange.

It starts off with the same old run of the mill Nigeria email scam.

Subject: PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND REPLY ME BACK ASAP.

HELLO,
I am Mr. T. Smith, deputy senior regional manager at a Commercial and
Finance Bank in Yorkshire. I have urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you. On June 6, 2000, Mr. Barry Kelly made a numbered
time (Fixed) Deposit for forty-eight months, (being four years) valued
at US$40,000,000.00, (forty Million, Dollars) in my branch.

Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address
but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we
discovered from his employers, that Mr. Barry Kelly died from tsunami on
his holidays in Thailand 26 December 2004. On further investigation, I
found out that he died without making a WILL and all attempts to trace
his next of kin were fruitless. I therefore made further investigation
and discovered that Mr. Barry Kelly did not declare any kin or relations
in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in
my Bank. This sum of US$40,000,000 has carefully been moved out of my
bank to a security company for Safekeeping .No one will ever come
forward to claim it. According to British Law, at the expiration of (three)
years, the money will revert to the ownership of the British Government
if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you to stand in as the
owner of the money I deposited it in a security company in two trunk
boxes though the security company does not know the contents of the boxes
as I tagged them to be photographic materials for export. I am writing
you because I as a public servant (Manager with the bank), I cannot
operate a foreign account or have an account that is more than $1m.I want
to present you as the owner of the boxes in the security company so you
can be able to claim them with the help of my attorney. This is simple.
I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so
that the Attorney will prepare the necessary documents which will put
you in place as the as the owner of the boxes.

The money will be moved out for us to share in the ratio of 70% for me
and 30% for you. There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this
transaction will be done by the Attorney and this will guarantees the
successful execution of this transaction.

If you are interested, please reply immediately via my email address
upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and
relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please
observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction
would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your
assistance to invest my share in(Buying of properties like houses, hotels and
doing charity works etc)Please do send me your private/mobile
telephone fax number so that we can have a smooth communication.

Awaiting your urgent reply ONLY via my email
(tonysmith802@indiatimes.com)

Thanks and regards.

TONY SMITH

So here is my reply to this scam life altering event

Can I get this money?

blstern

Then from out of nowhere, my email seems to have been intercepted by Denise. Who the hell is this person and how the heck did they get my email to Tony?

Denise Bubonic <denisebubonic@yahoo.com> wrote:

This is a huge scam. No. Dont do a thing! These people got an elderly couple I know for 70K. Its bullshit. Dont do it at all honey. You’ll be so sorry.
Glad you’re ok though!

Now I’m sure that Denise is a very well meaning and level headed person that only has my best interest in mind….

But I must reply with a somewhat smartass email. It is in my nature.

Oh I’m sure this is legit.

I have already sent them 15K and my SSN to get this money. I also had to give them a copy of my driver’s license, along with my bank account numbers and a DNA sample. I’m sure once all this information is received they will do the right thing and send me this money to hold.

Thanks,

bls

I’m sure that this well mannered well educated person will get the joke and find it as funny as I do.

Denise Bubonic <denisebubonic@yahoo.com> wrote:

Go fuck yourself asshole. Youre a pig nigger. You’ll never get a dime. Fucking nigger. Now Im turning you in to my FBI friend. How legit! Nice try nigger.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, wow. So much for the well mannered and well educated part? I must let Denise know that I want to be friends and that I will not be able to sleep until she likes me again.

My dearest Denise,

I have to say that I and my Russian bride are very hurt by your unkind words. And when it comes time for her and me to cash in on these millions, we will not be including you on our Christmas card list.

Thank you so much for coming up with such a colorful nickname, I have been trying in vain to come up with one for myself. I feel it is only polite to return the favor. So from now on I will refer to you as “Peaches” in any further email exchange.

So please tell me about yourself. When did you graduate from Harvard and start your civil rights law firm? How are things going at the trailer park? Did the Lobotomy go well?

Well Peaches, I need to go and start spending my millions. Hope to talk with you real soon.

Hugs and Kisses

blstern

P.S.

I Like Waffles

This is as far as this one has gotten. I really hope there will be more. I like making new friends.

Update 10/30/2007

No response from Denise, so I decided to email her again to see if our love could be saved.

Peaches,

Are you there? Have you notified your friend in the FBI yet? Would his name be Frank? I just ask because I knew a guy by the name of Frank that threw-up a lot and I kept thinking to myself, “Self, Frank would be really good as an FBI puke agent”.
I also have a brother -in -law in the ATF, (That’s the agency of fire water, smokes, and boom sticks to the layperson) I wonder if they know one another. My brother -in-law is not that great a puker so they may not. Do you puke a lot? My guess is that you do, due to all the drinking you must do before emailing folk.

Well I need to get back to dreaming about the money I’m going to spend on public transit porn……. I mean pottery.

TTFN

blstern

Please reply Peaches…. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update 11/02/2007 Denise finally replied!!!!

I knew once we sat down and talked things out we could reconcile our differences.

Denise Bubonic <denisebubonic@yahoo.com> wrote:

FUCK YOU niggerboy. I know your type! My FBI freind knows who you are and where you live. You better watch your manners nigger or your ass is gone. fuck you fuck you fuck you nigger pig niggers.

OK, I’ve gotten her to open up to me. I must be delicate with my response and choose just the right wording and stuff to win her back over.

Peaches,

I think we have hit a rough patch in our relationship. I have tossed and turned restless at night trying to figure out what may have caused all this. One of the problems could be, how different we are from one another. I’m a well educated, career minded individual that has a mortgage, 401k and investments. You’re a Nazi racist, high school dropout that lives in a box under a bridge and thinks a well rounded breakfast consists of a pack of Pall Malls and a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20. This doesn’t mean we can not get along; we just need to figure out a way to get around your alcohol induced sever brain damage and become friends again.

I believe that a little bit of change on both of our parts can make this relationship work. I promise to stop driving through the water puddle next to your box (Home) and splashing it to make the cardboard sag; as long as you promise to do the following simple little things.

  1. Stop hiding from the black helicopters
  2. Brush your teeth….. With toothpaste
  3. Stop drinking antifreeze
  4. Wear pants
  5. Get rid of at least 30 of your cats
  6. Blow your nose on tissue and not on humans
  7. Stop reading Weekly World News
  8. Just say “No” to that second bottle of Boones Farm before 9:00 am
  9. Get a job
  10. Stop eating out of Korean Restaurant dumpsters
  11. Realize that puss is bad.
  12. Mouthwash…. Gallons and gallons of mouthwash
  13. Discover soap
  14. Stop trying to “Touch” the paperboy
  15. Just stop being you

Now there you go; I’m sure that after just 20 to 30 years of really hard work on your part, you can make these small adjustments. And you will be ready to go out into public and hold a regular conversation with someone that is not laying face down in their own puke.

So what do you say? Will you give it a shot?

For me…

For us…

For the Nigerians…

I await your colorful response

Blstern

“Sniff” I would like to be alone so I may collect myself.

A Hot Lard Best Wishes to Lisa Montgomery

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I’d like to send out a big fat wonderful Hot Lard Best Wishes to Lisa Montgomery who was just sentenced by a jury of her peers to die. This “Leave it to Beaver” mother wannabe decided to bypass that messy ole 9 month incubation period most women go through to have a child. She skipped right to the part were you kidnap an expecting mother and cut the fetus right out of her belly while she is awake and aware of what is happening to her.

Way to go Lisa!! I thought that sick shit like this only came out of Hollywood. But you have shown that simple Middle America folk like yourself can do much more horrific shit in real life that any ole FX artist can come up with in the movie world.

On behalf of the mother that I’m sure pleaded with you to not to hurt her or her baby. I would like to wish you a long happy stay in Hell. My one hope is that when you get there, you are forced to live the Alien birth scene over and over again.

 

Burn in Hell bitch!!!

blstern

My Thoughts by blstern (Mime Golf Course)

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mime_woody.jpg

I’m thinking of starting a Mime Golf Course. At every tee there would be a mime that would perform various acts and mimic the golfer while they try to hit their ball. They would do the “wind tunnel and trapped in a box” thing, all the while the golfer is trying to concentrate on their shot. I believe it is a good way of brining the arts and sports together.

The funny secret that I would have with the golfers (and unknown to the mimes) would be that I would allow the golfer to beat the mime with their golf clubs after each shot. Because, I really hate mimes and secretly wish them all dead.

Next week I think I’m going to cross Ballet and Sumo wrestling.

Open Letter to All Girls Who Want to be Popular on the Internet

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letter-pen.jpgDear “Girl Who Desires Fame on the Internet“,

Lately, Count of Flanders Butwheaty has noticed a growing trend on the internet. Namely, girls who post self-portraits from their cellphones and pocket-size Canon’s on popular social sites. The sites include, but not limited to:

The reason for the open letter is simple; it is a well-known fact that girls are more-infatuated with their appearance that boys. Therefore, a conclusion has been made that you like boobies/boobs/breasts just as much, if not more, than guys. The solution is to stop posting photos of yourselves with clothes on. The recommendation is to take as many photos as your digital device will allow, and post to the sites listed above. Feel free to crop your face if you’re concerned about your appearance. Let the internet be the judge/jury on how much we like your boobies.

There are way too many photos of hot and sexy chics on these sites that aren’t topless.  This is a travesty, and needs to be addressed … IMMEDIATELY!

So please ladies, show us your boobies.  We know you like them too, so let us check ’em out.  Stop teasing the rest of the world.

Succulently yours,
Count of Flanders Butwheaty