Have you nergfoogled today?
I want to apologized for the lack of posts recently. I have some perfectly reasonable excuses on why I have not been posting….
I’ve been very busy taking my dog to raves…
and it is impossible for me to create posts until the drugs wear off.
Because everything just feels wrong in the universe until they do…
Plus my wife showed me her new outfit and I don’t think she was happy with my reaction…
This is a peanut…
I think my car is trying to eat me….
Or maybe I’m just crazy….
Announcer: OK Kids, grab a seat and put on your happy fun – fun hats, because it’s time for the Uncle Ervin show!!!
Kids in the audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!!
Announcer: The Uncle Ervin show, brought to you by the makers of “Heroin Gum”. Why shoot it when you can chew it? And Gary’s house of Latex and Ball Gags; Gifts that show that special someone, you are the master. Now get on your knees and bark like a dog.
And here is the star of the show… UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNCLLLLLLLLLLLE ERVIN!!!!!!
Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle Ervin: Hey Kids!!!
Kid in audience: HEY UNCLE ERVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle Ervin: Golly gee whiz, I hope you are all ready for a really super good show today. We have all sorts of really fun and exciting things to do. Today we have Dr. Rustytools, the back alley gynecologist. He is here to give free exams to all you boys and girls in that dark windowless room at the back of the studio. We also have Zoo Keeper Willy here to show us the mating habits of Northeastern Pigmy Wombat. He’ll also show you how to push your mean older brother into the bear pit and make it look like an accident.
Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Uncle Ervin: It’s also career day at the Uncle Ervin show. We have Sparkles, the one legged hooker that hangs out by the dumpster in the alley behind the Slurp N’ Puke convenience store. She will be showing you young career minded ladies how to avoid STDs. We also h….
Lights start flashing: BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP.
Uncle Ervin: Uh Oh….. You know what that means???
Kids in audience: Unwanted rectal exam time!!!!!!
Uncle Ervin: NO!!!! You little bastards promised to never talk about that…………. It’s time for a Hot Lard Mad Lib.
Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!
Uncle Ervin: Yes, a Hot Lard mad lib. Where we tell a happy story of love, puppies, and ice cream rain storms, using the search terms you little monkey spankers from our audience have used to find the Hot Lard web site.
Kids in audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
Uncle Ervin: Billy, do you remember when you searched for two retarded midgets trying to hump a turtle?
Billy: Golly Uncle Ervin, I sure do!!!
Uncle Ervin: You had to do some hard time for that one, didn’t you?
Billy: I sure did! Got to shank me a few bitches while in the hole too!!!
Uncle Ervin: And Sally; how did your search for fat people wearing thongs turn out for you?
Sally: I’m still in therapy, Uncle Ervin.
Uncle Ervin: Huh, Huh, huh… I’m sure you are little Sally… I’m sure you are.
Announcer: OK, for those of you who do not know how this works. The bold words in the upcoming story are the search terms that you evil Internet dwellers have used to somehow find your way to Hot Lard. So as you read along, remember…. We did not write this… YOU DID!!!! And may God have mercy on your souls.
Midget Porn and the quest for lazy housewife sex
Once upon a time Midget Porn was out riding his trusty crack whore named side boob. When he happened across despicable me minion porn and Walmart sluts having eiffel tower sex with the ugly naked girls of the blowjobs in public clan. They all started kissing girls and watching star trek porn while the tattoo of the year and it actually eats banana pussy monkey played with its naked retards.
Suddenly a lesbian gymnast and her russian whore showed up with Super Tard and demanded butt sex and blowjob motivational posters from all the naked midgets. It was up to cliff claven on brain cells to find naked pictures of the Olsen twins while an old drunk nude redneck tried to lick my balls on his 300lbs and pregnant wife who liked to read incest caption tricks and blowjob motivation.
But the carpet munchers wanted gay midget porn search engines to help them with midget christmas porn and midget women with animals. It was up to Midget porn and his trusty sidekick man boobs to show the power of mullet porn and ass sex fails. But first poopy fingers and the fat sexy woman had to logon to grannymidgetporn.com to see naked boating with top 10midget pornstars and hilary duff boobs pictures.
At that very moment girls in skin tight shorts wanted to know what fucking channels mediacom offers in their packages. Which meant olympic lesbian kissing in 2008 would need more anal demotivation to ward off Scooby doo porn and midget ass. But how could this be done when barnyard porn would have humor porn while watching wii fit trainer porn with midget hookers and their fat guys in thongs while posing for anal sex posters showing the original care bears with naked hookers on crack.
But everyone was saved when puke sex and Amy Winehouse had happy birthday porn with macaulay culkin. Then they declared that American midgets are the hottest so everyone could now pull my finger to stop the anal sex monsters from pouring lard on fat gay midgets in a thong. Everyone was so happy they told free fictional teen runaway sex stories and showed their daughter’s hot friend how to have zelda sex with tongue kissing girls.
The pamela anderson talks blowjobs End
Time for a few new observations. These are ones, I had made over the weekend. I promise that after reading this batch, you will have a new lease on life. If not, well…. you’re just reading them wrong I guess.
What I believe happens when a woman discovers a new speed setting on her vibrator.
I was looking through some old photo albums and found an old class picture…. Can you guess witch one is me?
At the Hot Lard day care…. Two babies enter, only one will leave.
I’m sure he is just telling her ghost stories under there.
A Hot Lard fan asked me to text her a picture of my penis….. So this is what I sent.
I really hate peeing after sex…
Since the show was cancelled, the Planet Express building has fallen into disrepair.
So….. This is Yoga…… Yeah, I could get into this, I guess.
I believe that for some, this replaces Disney Land as the happiest place on earth.
I’ve really started getting into art…
This reminds me of those pee dreams I have…
This is what it’s like for me coming into the office on Monday, after a week of vacation.
Goddammit!!! You put clear and brown bottles in the same can again….
Meanwhile, at Burger King…
Physics wins again!!!
The government shutdown has affected PBS particularly hard.
Grimace has had it with your shit…
This is quite possibly the happiest cat on the planet.
You only have one chance to make a first impression….
I bet this just scares the shit out of vegetarians… It makes me hard.
I believe my house is haunted…. and the ghost does not like my cat.
You need to click on the gif to see it.
The scale of success is not at the same level for all….
Just finished watching The Notebook with some friends…
Sometimes I weep when I think about our countries future.
There is nothing quite like sharing a great view with a friend…
I miss the days when, “Fly the Friendly Skies” really meant something…
It doesn’t matter how sweet and sentimental the moment is….. There is always someone there to fuck with it.
Is it just me…. Or is this a picture of a snowman committing suicide with his children?
You ever wonder what a horse sees???