Tyrone Spellman Found Guilty for 3rd Degree Murder

tyrone-spellman.jpgThe verdict is in … Tyrone ranks up there with the worst of the worst.

Backstory

It’s 2006 in Philidelphia, PA and Tyrone is chillin’ in his crib playing some Xbox 360 with his brother.  It must’ve been a good game because when his 17-month old daughter accidentally knocks over his 360 and breaks it, he goes ape-shit and beats her to death.  Once Tyrone comes to his senses, or what’s left of them, he decides it would be a good idea to stage her death so he moves her into another room and places a barbell next to her.

I won’t bore gross you to death with the details you can read about here or here or here

Commentary

Nice try dipshit.

If you ask me, 3rd degree murder isn’t harsh-enough.  The dude killed his own kid for Christ’s sake!  C’mon!

MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE IN HELL YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH MOTHER-LESS COCKSUCKING DOG-DICK FUCKING CUM-GUZZLING FUCKING DILLHOLE.

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Why You Need a Friend While Drinking

Some you may have already seen; others might be new.  Nonetheless, all teach us a valuable lesson … no matter where you are, if there is alcohol present, so is a digital camera.  Take a friend along to prevent such occurrences (except if you’re a horny chic that is dying to show her massive rack).

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Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

For all the fathers out there with a daughter, Hot Lard (namely, Count of Flanders Butwheaty) found this excellent questionaire for your daughter’s potential date to read and sign.

This is a highly-informative list of questions used to screen a potential low-life from infiltrating your sacred daughter’s life.

In addition to helping dads of daughters, this list can also be used for dads of boys.  This is an excellent guide for your young boy.  Now granted, memorizing this list is no guarantee your little shit-ass will be allowed to date my daughter, it is merely a guide for how to model his young life.

If nothing else, it will scare douche bags away from even considering to deflower our beautiful daughters.

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My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – The Ecstasy of Fire

I believe that fire is a living thing….

It needs air to breath and food to eat. Plus let’s not forget love. A fire needs the love of its maker to feed it and make sure it has enough air to grow and consume.

Fire in return can give love back to you…

It can heat your home and cook your food, this is how fire shows its gratitude for your caring.

It is also really good for burning witches…

Like my girlfriend. I just found out the other day she was a witch when she cut off this guy on the highway and he yelled out his window that she was, “Some kind of witch”. I knew at that moment what I had to do. Thanks to that alert driver we had uncovered another witch and she had to be destroyed the only way a witch can be…

Burned at the stake…

With fire….

Loving fire…

Caring fire…

Wonderful …… JESUS CHRIST HER SCREAMS ARE GETTING IRRITATING!

Hmmmmmmmm, Now that I think about it, that driver may not have referred to her as a “witch” at all. Maybe he said “bitch”…. Or he may have said, “Hey Nancy, you cut me off but that’s OK, just be a little more careful next time”.

Boy Howdy, would my face be red if that were the case.

A True Sense of Accomplishment

To get an idea of what it means to truly feel good, you need to tackle a large obstacle.  Here are some things that make me feel good.

As the image you see shows, finishing one of these badass Hardees monster thickburgers makes me bubbly inside.   It takes quite a man, or beastly woman, to polish off a half-pound of angus beef.  You know the best part is that this massive slob of beef is nearly the best pipe cleaner known to mankind.  Not even Super-Lax can brag about that.  Douse that monster burger with a large Coke and you’ve concocted a recipe for disaster, which brings me to my next item.

barney_burp.gifAfter a while, the inevitable happens.  Like Barney after guzzling a pint of Moe’s finest, you gotta let loose.  The typical fast food meal wouldn’t be complete with just the burger … add curly fries and a gargantuan Mr Pibb and you’re sure to be the life at your 1:30 meeting with your largest and most-important customer.  Be certain you’ve order the burger with onions (not shown above) as they add that little extra you want to be sure the customer can smell.  Sort of think as onions as a Marshall amplifier that goes to 11.  If you want or need that extra push, the onions are there to give you whatever you need to get the job done.

If you’re like me (and I suspect if you’re here reading Hot Lard, then you are) then the next-best thing to shoving a monster burger down your throat is letting one exit your body.  I must admit, there are times when a good shit is better than sex.  Maybe it’s the sheer mass exodus of, well, mass that is forced through your rectum that gives us all that yummy sensation.  It is said that taking a nice shit is analogous to getting your taint fondled during sex?  What the fuck?  I never heard anyone say that.  I totally just made that up.  Seriously.  The picture you see is one type of bodily shit release that feels good … the kind that sprays and stains the porcelain of a normal toilet.  An equally good shit that coils like a 10-foot rattler on a hot summer day in Arizona is freaking sweet.  I’ve been tempted to whip out my cellphone camera on many occasions to document such freak occurrences.  The hard part is finding someone appreciative of such handiwork.

Well, that’s all folks.  If you get a chance to try some of my techniques, let us know how it works out for you.  If you create your own masterpiece in the shitter, take a picture of it and email it to us (be sure to follow our simple email rule shown above-right).  Boobs works too.  We’ll share it with everyone.

I am Count of Flanders Butwheaty.  Later…