Dweeb Emo Douchebag of the Day – Monday, March 31

Words of Wisdom – The Buffalo Theory by Cliff Claven

Well you see, Norm, it’s like this … a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Dweeb Emo Douchebag of the Day

Joke of the Day – The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?”

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “‘Hell no they ain’t!  The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7.  Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter.  “I just couldn’t believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

Demotivational Posters Volume #11 (Wal-Mart Is Evil)

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

A special addition Wal-Mart Demotivational posters post.

Check out our update to this post here

After reading a story on CNN on how the demons of Wal-Mart have sued a disabled woman for $477,000.00 to get back the money she owes them because their insurance policy is nothing more than a rip-off. I felt I needed to come up with a few demotivation posters directed towards this anti-Christ of retail and human soul snatching.

Please take a moment to first read how this caring company puts its employees first and profits second. Then enjoy my tribute to this demon fodder of world domination and slave labor retail.

Link to story

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/25/walmart.insurance.battle/index.html

Click on each poster for a better look.

See our other demotivational posters here

SPAM Email of the Day for 2008-Mar-26

Subject: I realized I was in love.

Amaze her with your new, gigantic tool between your legs. http://liesonkeeng.com/

Who’s point of view is this from?  Did this email come from a girl who realized she was in love because of a gigantic tool between some douchebag’s legs?  Or, did some guy realize that his new-found gigantic tool cause a girl to fall in love with him?

Either way, it doesn’t matter.

I want to point out that if you are a guy who once had a small penis but now has a gigantic one, girls will not love you.  You will always be remembered as the small-penis guy who had low self esteem and almost killed himself to gain a larger penis guy.

Has anyone noticed that Baseball Season has started?

In case you haven’t noticed (and my guess is that you haven’t), the Major League Baseball season has started … in Japan. WTF is up with that!?!?!?

Well anyway, I’d like to be the first to let baseball know that nobody fucking cares the season has started because the league sucks!  Hmmmmmmm, let me guess … the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox franchises are the favorites to spend the most money errrrrrrrrrrrrr … I mean, win the World Series.  Of course in baseball, those two phrases pretty-much mean the same thing.

Congratulations Baseball on another season where five revenue-generating teams are competing for the championship while the rest of the league break-in their really good players only to have them be bought by one of those five teams next year.

I guess all I can hope for is that THIS IS THE YEAR that one of your roided-up players will finally explode on national TV.  Or snap and take out the first two rows of fans with a meat clever. (If there are actually that many in the stands that is)

PLAY BALL!!!

One good thing about the start of baseball season… It means that Football season is only four months away.

RSPV a wedding I’ll never go to

In case you are new to the site, I have been getting emails for another person that shares my name. Not sure who this guy is or where he lives, all I know is that for some reason he and I have the same Gmail address and from time to time I get emails that were meant for him. After receiving quite a few of them I decided to start responding. This is the latest.  

The impostor “me” has been invited to a very charming weddings, but I’m the one that has to respond to the invitation.

Subject: Wedding Matters

Friends,

D and I hope this email finds you well and in good spirits!  We are
writing to touch base regarding our upcoming wedding on May 24, 2008, and to
update you on a couple of things that are in the works.

Formal invitations, which have many of the details you’ll want to know
about, will go out by April 1st, so you should be getting those within the
next couple of weeks.  Regarding accommodations – we have contracted with
several hotels in San Francisco for special event rates.  However, in order
to take advantage of these rates, reservations need to be make within a
month of the event (i.e. the deadline is April 24, 2008 for most places).
Coincident with accommodations come travel plans, and with today’s uncertain
and frequent fluctuations in fuel prices and airline fares, planning ahead
is the way to go.  Thus we urge you to take advantage of the lower fares
which you’ll get further out from the dates that you would like to be in SF.
Finally, give some thought to the time you’ll be spending here and, if you
haven’t been to the Bay Area before or didn’t think you spent enough time
here the last time you came, think about all the awesome things this part of
the country has to offer and perhaps come and stay a few extra days!

If you haven’t already checked it out, our wedding website has a wealth of
information regarding all of the above, including recommendations for
activities, restaurants, and details regarding travel and accommodations, as
well as some other juicy tidbits http://www.mywedding.comXXXXXXXXXX

Please feel free to call or email with questions.  We welcome all inquiries
and very much look forward to seeing you all in the very near future!!  62
days to go!

D & A

Only 62 days!?!?!?!?!?. I have so much to do and I need to find a dress to wear!!! I need to know so much before I can show up. I had better ask a few questions.

Subject: So you finally got your sister to agree…

Dear Skeeter,

Clem an I would be overjoyed to come to your marrying day in May.

However I do have some questions I need to ask so I know what clothes to wear and what ball-gag to bring.

1. At what time will the Monster Trucks be bringing the kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer? You’ve got to be careful with those Pabst kegs, cheep beer can explode when shaken.

2. Why the heck are you only serving us Pabst beers you tight wad?

3. Are Hookers allowed on the grounds? In other words will you be having some there or is it up to us to bring them ourselves?

4. What color under-drawers are you wearing that day? Sorry to ask but Clem needs to know for the sacrifice ceremony. Splatter guards can be put up if you are wearing whitey-tighties.

5. Do you like pig anus fritters? Sally-May-Junebug-Jitterpop-Clementine could whip-up some anus fritters to bring if you want. Please give us a good weeks notice, this dish does take some time to prepare,  pig anus don’t be growing on no trees you know.

6. Will there be a public groping tent? Those are a hoot and I personally don’t think that any wedding or 8th birthday party should be held without a groping tent.

7. Do we need to keep our mentally disabled relatives on a leash? Or is it OK to let them just roam and relieve themselves wherever they see fit. If I has to keep an eye on mine, I just may leave her home with the dog.

What number comes after 7?

9. Will the Winne Dixie and the Jug hollering band be there? Those boys are really good. I love their tune, “I will be lovin my girl like she was my sister tonight”.

10. Do you have a sister… Besides the one you is marrying?

Can’t wait to see you then. Got to go and throw things at old people for a while.

Love and kisses

Ervin.

Boy Howdy I really hope it’s an outdoor wedding, I’d really like to wear that pink strapless number I have. I don’t know if you noticed but they left a web link to their wedding web page. Of course I altered it so you freaks could not go there and harass them. But I did go there and RSVP.

Take a look.

Click on photo for better look

 

I’m just waiting to hear back from the happy couple. 

A Hot Lard Educational Moment – Amelia Earhart and Zombies

A friend of my just started teaching and she sent out an email to some of her nearest and dearest friends (Why I was included I’ll never know)  to help her with an assignment she is creating for her kids. It had to do with Amelia Earhart and something with the chick movement back in the day. She wanted all of us to give her our input on the following question. 

Here is the email.

Hey Ya’ll

This is a brief, informal survey question that I would like you to answer for me to help with my “Between the Wars” homework. It’s one teeeennnyy question so if you could reply very soon it would be very much appreciated:

When you think of Amelia Earhart (assuming you indeed know who she is) do you think of someone who was crucial in the feminist movement as a heroine who broke male boundaries to fly planes or do you merely think a woman pilot who got lost in the Bermuda triangle? If you think of something else entirely please share.

Thanks in advance!

J

Being the big advocate I am on education stuff and all that other smart making things you do in… Ummmmm…. Skol   School. That’s it School. I felt I needed to get an answer out to her as quick as possible.

Here is my response.

Dear J.

Thank you for this opportunity to help shape the minds and guide the future of some of our American youth. I’d be glad to help you with this.

 My politically correct answer would be that she did help break down some barriers of the day, showing that women could not only fly but command a plane on long journeys. Her disappearance only adds to the mystic that was her story.

Personally I think she was lured to Zombie Island by a very succulent mince ham and tomato sandwich. It is here she patently waits for the day that all zombies will rise and feed on the living… Oh and get HBO.  But hey that’s just me.

Hope this helps

Ervin (So many brains I keep them in my pants) Shlopnick

” Mmmmmmm Brains”

It really makes me feel good to help our nations children when I can. I think I’ll go write a book or invent something right now… Well, after my nap maybe. 

Count of Flanders Video Game Review for Conan

A while back, I beat Eragon for the Xbox 360.  Eragon is button-mashing hack-n-slash game.  It’s a weak story with fugly next-gen graphics, cheesy one-liners, and terrible fighting mechanics.  Why did I play this game?  Because I bought it for less than $10 new and felt I should continue the pain and suffering.

Why am I talking about Eragon when this is a review for Conan?  To be frank, Conan brought forth excruciating memories from the past.  Almost everything about Conan sucked.  Below are the good and the bad.

Bad

• CAMERA POSITION: In a 3rd person video game, camera position/angle is key.  If you fuck this up, then I can’t see the bad guys!  If you force me to replay a section simply because your game engine sucks so bad that you take it out on me, well … go fuck yourself Nihilistic Software and THQ.
• UNBALANCE ENEMIES: Why does a fleshy tiger require 10 hits to bring down when an armored man with a blade fighting back and block my sword swings only take 3 or 4 hits?  If I’m in the middle of a combo on said tiger, how does it find room to stop my attack and get in a few good paw swipes on my burly chest?
• INVISIBLE WALLS:  Not so bad if you have a visual clue that you’re not allow to go there.  But, if Conan is running around trying to take cover or evade enemy attacks, please don’t make it appear as though I can go over there when all that does is leave me open to attacks my giant apes.  That leads me to my next complaint.
• GIANT APES:  WTF?  These psychos take beating and dish it out too.  I’m sorry, but if put enough force behind a meat cleaver, you’re gonna get chopped in two!  Yeah-yeah, use the magic and stone him to death.  Sure … ok. * sigh*
• FINAL BOSS BATTLE:  Man, talk about lame and retarded.  This douche bag’s death was longer and more drawn out than these.  This fight, even on Easy difficulty, was stupid-hard.  Not hard as in “figure out the best weapon attack and when to strike” attack … this was more like “avoid my dreadlocks as they whip around in a giant circle while avoiding these tar-covered zombies who and found Conan’s only weakness … spinning helicopter punches to his obviously weak and punny chest” attacks.  I swear, at one point I had jumped in the air, and began a heavy attack to slaughter some of these tar dudes when then they (weapon-less mind you) figured out how to beat physics and somehow juggle me in the air with spinning helicopter punches (yes, the kind you and your kid brother used to do to each other when you were a kid).  Think of Zangief’s spinning punches, except done by tiny little dudes half the size of Conan with no shields or weapons.
• BUTTON SEQUENCES:  I suppose when done correctly, button sequences have their place.  In Conan, you’re given about 5 milliseconds after the button you’re supposed to press appears and the time to your untimely death.  The only other game where I’ve had to deal with a button sequence was Tomb Raider: Legend.  Now, I can’t say it was perfect, but at least the sequence didn’t change, and you were given about 1-2 seconds for your brain to register which button to press.  Conan’s just sucked, even on Easy difficulty.

Good

• MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT:  I’ll admit, there were plenty of hours spent playing Conan that were enjoyable.  As with Call of Duty 2 or 3, it was fun to slaughter Nazis as a good stress reliever.  The same was true with Conan.  It was fun to hack-n-slash about an hour or so at a time.  Conan was a good in-between game that allowed my left hand a break from Guitar Hero 3 (I hate you Neversoft for including Raining Blood by Slayer in GH3).
• HILARIOUS DIALOG:  Conan is a man’s man.  He dished out quite a few Schwarzenegger-esque lines.  Many directed at his soon-to-be-dead foes.  Some that come to mind just as Conan put the finishing move to his victim were “I’ll cleave your skull to your teeth” and “You cry like a child” and “Face Crom”.  No doubt, Crom is some kind of mystical god.  He’s mentioned quite a bit in the game.
• MAIDENS:  Conan is rated M for Mature.  There are buckets of blood shed in this game (check), brutal combat sequences (check), and topless whores (double-check) waiting for you to crush them with your love.  The topless maidens are scattered throughout each level just waiting for you to rescue them.  A few the hotties simply wonder where their clothes went; while others never suspected their savior would be so strong.  Buuuuut, a few can’t wait for you to drop your drawers in the mist of major combat sequence to crush them with your (obviously) huge and massive … love.  You get the idea.  See below:

Overall, I have mixed feelings about this game.  While there are more bad things outlined above, there were enough good quality moments that seemed to make me forget about some of the bad.  The kicker, however, is that I borrowed this from a friend … I can guarantee that if I’d spent money on this game, I would have been upset.  Maybe not so much if I rented it, but this game just wasn’t enjoyable-enough to recommend … even as a rental.  My advice is to find someone willing to let you borrow it.  If you simply must play it, rent only.

This is a sad, but one of many additions to the Xbox 360 library.  You have better options for your video game dollars.  With respect to the Playstation 3, I feel sorry for those with so few good games to choose from have yet another shitty game to add to your small (but growing) library of choices.

I give Conan 3 decapitations out of 10.