Oh hey there… Just give me one minute. I’m working my hand down the back of my pants to determine if I just farted or if it is something more…… Whoa!!!! That is defiantly more than a fart.
(Chuckles with class)
My name is Ervin Shlopnick. (Smiles brightly, exposing his blindingly white teeth) I am the managing director of the management of directors to manage the manager’s direction to which the directors manage.
Here at Hot Lard our dignified readers are the most important thing to us. The staff here tries very hard to bring you (Our wonderful readers) (Smiles again) the most interesting, thought provoking, social commentaries of the day. We will span the globe to find the complete story and…… Hold on one moment, I’m being summoned by one of our many bright and promising interns…….
ES: “What the fuck you want now Skank Ho 456?!?!?!!?!?”
SH456: “Ummmmm sir…. Please do not whip me again. But I really, really need to do my dialysis session today.”
ES: “What have I told you about those voodoo witchdoctor cures, Skank Ho 456? They only want your money. Just keep drinking the bourbon I gave you and skip around the office topless and you’ll be fine.”
SH456: “But sir….. My eyes are turning yellow.”
ES: “HUH…HUH…HUH…. That’s very interesting and I don’t care. Now get back to work with the rest of the livestock…. Errrrrrrrrrr…. I mean your co-workers. You don’t want me to shave off all your hair again, do you?”
(Saunters back up to the podium)
Sorry about that, had to tend to a personal issue of a staff member. But of course, my staff comes first. If any of them ever have a problem, they know I am always there to help. Or is it punish…. No… No… I think I help……………………..by punishing.
I remember just the other day the midget hookers we keep locked up out back, had just run out of the car batteries and jumper cables they use to motivate the staff. Normally I insist that the different divisions here keep a running count of the supplies they need for daily business. And that essentials like, Bull Whips, Ball Gags, Testicular Clamps, & Blueberry Muffins are constantly kept in stock. When we run out of the essentials it affects everyone. Because now we have to use the staff’s children in a sort of Hunger Games to kill each other off to decide who gets to keep the remaining supplies. This process is long and bloody, not to mention really, Really, REALLY fun to watch. But in the end, it distracts us from our goal of getting you (Our beloved readers) (Smiles Brightly) the stories of hope and enlightened you so enjoy.
As a leader, it is my job to get this information train called Hot Lard, back on track and chug-a-chug-chuggy down the line. I can do this by example or using profound and bossy words. But normally I’ll go into the division the problem is stemming from and kill the biggest and strongest member of the group to prove my dominance over the rest of the herd. Then make them all wear garbage bags as dresses and force them to learn French.
(Places foot on stool and rest his arms on knee)
And that brings me to the point I’ve taken waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long to get to.
You may not know this… But Hot Lard is… well… it’s Tasteless.
I know…I know… You are now shaking your head in disbelief and waving your fist angrily towards the sky cursing your god at this revelation. You’re thinking it cannot possibly be true. Hot Lard is many things… But Tasteless is not one of them.
Well, kiddos… I don’t want to break your sweet little hearts, but I’m afraid it is.
How do I know this you ask???
Well you see, a friend of mine was trying to log onto Hot Lard today from his computer at work. And instead of being blessed with the wisdom and wealth of this Site of Gods (Angry Gods.)
He saw this instead…
Yes, that’s right my friends. Hot lard is being blocked by his company.
And of all the reasons to block a site from being viewed, what is the excuse they give their employees?
Yes, that’s right my little scooters, in the eyes of this Fortune 500 company, Hot Lard is not… Pornographic …. It is not a Social Network…. It is not a terrorist cell site…. No…. We are just one simple word…. Tasteless.
In Spanish we are….. Insipid
In Arabic we are…. مسيخ, لا طعم له, تفه, عديم الذوق, عديم النكهة, سيئ الطعم
In French we are…. Fade
In German we are…. Geschmacklos
But no matter what language you use, it all comes down to one single unmistakable truth. My site pissed off some IT Nazi so fucking much that they had to make up a new category to ban it with.
GOD DAMN RIGHT!!! YEEEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!
The real funny part of all this is that the company that blocked Hot Lard, is one I use to work at. Hot Lard was born on their computers. Its posts were written and loaded through their network and servers. I and the other staff members used to laugh our asses off writing this stuff in our work cubicles…. and now it is blocked.
And for that I say, Thank you…. I am truly honored. From this day forth, Hot Lard will be known as the Tasteless wed site of the Internet…… and we have the fucking evidence to prove it!!!!
So screw you and your Freshly Pressed awards, and fuck you and your Happy Grandma, Smiling Kitty Cat awards… And double fuck all of you who are getting book deals and advertising.
I have beaten you all!!!
Because… I HAVE BEEN BLOCKED FROM A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY FOR BEING TASTELESS!!!!!
When you can say you have done that, then come and fucking talk to me.
Till then, check out these truly tasteless gif files and pictures I had no idea where else I was going to use them at.
Thank you all for being tasteless right along with me. Without you, I’d probably sleep better at night and not need half the medication I take today.
CEO & President of Tasteless