I’m Back?

Boo! I’m back bitches… well maybe… probably not…. I don’t know. Screw it, I’m going back to bed.

The Great Snake Battle of 2014

THE GREAT SNAKE BATTLE OF 2014
It’s not often I boast about my heroism. Yes, there have been many, many times that I have had to shirk the comforts and securities we take for granted every day, so I could come to the aid of someone who needed it. However, there is no statue of me in the town square, or songs sung by small children regaling my adventures and bravery.

That is until now…

Why is that you gasp? Well… Because last night, I showed heroism that can only be displays in old John Wayne movies. Yes, that’s right…. I battled and outwitted a baby snake. Not any baby snake mind you. But a baby snake so, cunning and ruthless, that is found its way into our house.

Around 9:30 last evening, I had just settled down from a long, hard, and epic day of Flow Automation Sales and Support to watch the manly football offering from ESPN. My daughter was in the front room on the stationary bike, trying to get in a few imaginary miles before turning in.

Now, I don’t claim to have a sixth sense. But a hush came over the football crowd on TV, and the wind had changed direction just enough for me to catch a whiff of something. It was faint but very distinct…. It was DANGER. With cat like reflexes I put down my bowl of popcorn and soda and skittered like a flash across the room so I could relieve myself. Yes, the danger was of me possibly wetting my pants from too much soda. I had no clue the snake thing was about to happen.

When I had settled down again to watch the football game, it happened. My daughter let out an ear piercing scream that could have woken the dead. “MOMMY, GET DOWN HERE NOW “she bellowed. My beautiful and equally heroic wife was upstairs getting our son to bed. She called down to her distressed daughter asking what the problem was. Kayla responded back with, “THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE FRONT ROOM”!!!

Without hesitation or any thought of my own safety, I immediately….. Paused the game. Because you can pause live TV with a DVR. Hey, my fantasy team needed points from this game!!! (And on a side note, my fantasy team ended up winning, so I guess it was a double victory for me, for truth, justice, and the American way)

Like a fireball of adrenaline and Geritol, I rushed to the front room only to be confronted by the Fangs of Death this Satan Viper possessed. This beast had only one thing on its mind… To serve its blood lust and to have my family for dinner. “Not tonight Mr. Spawn of Satan” I calmly said…. “Not tonight”.

The battle was fierce and epic. I was equipped with only my wit and nerves of steel. Plus a Nerf gun I picked up from the floor to scooch it away from the chest it was trying to get under. I knew that if it would have made it under that chest, I may have never seen my son again…. OK, it really hadn’t gotten my son, or even came close to him. But if it had gotten under there, it would have had time to plot its next move and that could have included taking my son.

My trusty spouse and trophy wife Donna, had bolted down the stairs and went out in the garage to collect my Excalibur from its trusty holding place, while I defended the lives of my family with my sons Nerf gun. Unfortunately the gun only had three Nerf Bullets in it, so I ran out of ammunition in no time (I’ll have to speak to my son about leaving his guns fully loaded) and had to rely strictly on my knife like reflexes to survive.

Once Donna return from the garage with Excalibur (Spade Shovel), I had my foe trapped against the front door. Now that he was cornered, he was using all his unearthly powers to try and strike at me and my family.

I believe you could hear angles singing as Donna heaved (in slow motion) the shovel to me. It glistened against the light of the room and shot out laser beams as it flew to me. In a single motion that only a man of my prowess could perform, I grabbed the shovel in mid-flight, whipped the Nerf gun back to Donna and brought the shovel down between me and my enemy just as it was going to strike.

The Satan Viper’s attack had been stopped, my children were still alive, and Donna had a pretty good size knot on her head from where the Nerf gun had hit her. I then quickly (and heroically) opened the front door and forced this brute outside to the unforgiving and treacherous wilds of Little Elm, Texas. “Come Hither Nicht More” I roared like an African Lion standing over a fresh kill. Then flung that bad boy as hard as I could into the darkness of the night.

As I shut the door and turned around, my family ran to me for a group embrace. My children looked up at be all doe eyed and said, “Thank you Father…. You have saved us all”. “It was nothing” I said, “That is what a father is supposed to do”. We then stood in a circle holding hands and sang 96 verses of Kumbaya.

The next morning as I walked out to my manly Mazda 6, to go to work. A small child ran up to me with a piece of paper in his hand. It was little Billy the mute boy from next door. Billy had not spoken a word for nearly 7 years. But he witnessed the battle that had raged on at our house and like some miracle, he spoke. He started to tell me how he saw the fight of the century and how he witnessed me not only saving my family, but also every family on the block from this 8 inch monster. He also started yammering on about his hamster and his favorite TV show and some other shit that I tuned out. The little fucker just wouldn’t shut up.

Anyway, he finally got around to showing me the piece of paper. It was a drawing he did of the battle that occurred the night before. Even though Billy was still a young child; I think he was able to truly capture the moment in art….. I have no clue who the black guy is in the picture… We’ll just call him Carl and leave it at that. You can see Little Billy’s drawing below.

Well that’s it… That is my tale of the Great Snake Battle of 2014… I assure it is all true and happened exactly how I just explained it.

One Final Observation…

Life has a funny way of getting in the way of things we want to do.  When I was a kid I wanted to be an actor and make movies in Hollywood. But life had other plans for me.  I ended up serving in our nation’s military and then going to work in the oil and gas industry. I wanted to jet set around the world and experience new and wonderful things. But again life decided that a firmly planted father of two would be a better fit for me. I wanted to start my own website that had funny stories and would be world renown. And…. For a time, that appeared to be happening for Hot Lard. Back in 2008 and 2009 we were getting over a thousand hits a day and new readers throughout the world…..  But that pesky life thing stepped in again and decided that more responsibility from my main job was more important, and forced me away from Hot Lard for almost three years. I then decide to give Hot Lard one more chance and see if I still had it in me to do what I once did. And again, it looked like I was able to. I actually was able to restart Hot Lard, brought in new readers and was getting the hit count back up.  But….. Life has made its appearance again, and showed that it has other plans for me.  Plans that unfortunately do not allow me time to work on my blog.

So as of right now, I’m shutting down Hot Lard for good. I could see as time went on and I was finding it harder and harder to make time for this blog, I was eventually going to have to make a decision to either leave the site hanging again, for another long period of time before I could maybe come back to it. Or just shut it down and be done with it.  Hot Lard is to near and dear to my heart to allow it to wallow in uncertainty again. That is why I’ve decide to just end it now and give this blog some finality.

I’d like to thank all of my readers for your time and wonderful comments. You have put a much bigger smile on my face, than I could have ever put on yours. You all have been an inspiration to me. I will try to pop into your blogs from time to time to give you a silly and off color comment. Just to keep you off guard.

But, I’m not going to leave you all without a parting gift. For my last post, I am doing a mash-up of some of the things I have done in the past.

I hope you enjoy it.

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Mr. Positive says…

All good things must come to an End.

And in the case of Hot Lard, some mediocre things too.

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When I was younger and got high, this is how Oreo Cookies and all their God given creamy goodness looked to me.

I think they are running out of  Super Hero names…

Need to click on the gif to see it

Don’t be sad Hot Lard is shutting down. We will always be there in your dreams…

Click on this

What would cat porn look like?

Someone just farted… can you guess who it was?

Unnecessarily placing pixels on things, can give them an whole new meaning.

Need to click on the gif to see it 

I said a diet Coke, dammit!!!

Some girls just don’t get into foreplay…

I wonder what most women dream of….?

Click to see

Oh before I forget… Happy Thanksgiving

And Merry Christmas…. Yes that’s right you tree hugging liberals. I said MERRY CHRISTMAS… Deal with it.

Now that I don’t have to blog daily , I’ll have more time to do some of the things I really enjoy…

Like good hygiene…

Need to click on the gif to see it

And doing my patriotic duty…

I could learn some new dance moves..

Or maybe I’ll get one of these on the beach…

But most likely, I’ll just sit back, relax and watch some really good porn with some friends.

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And finally….

Here are a few gifs to keep you busy until another Hot Lard web site is created.

And for those of you who just didn’t get me and my sense of humor…

And for those of you that followed my site and stayed with me to the end….

Click to see gif

God Bless & Good Bye

Ervin

Deep Thoughts On A Day We Will Never Forget

I could not express my feelings better than this.
God Bless America, God Bless our Troops. Never forget.

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

I know this is a comedy blog, and I like to keep the mood light, but I would be remiss were I not to comment on the significance of today.  Aside from making you laugh, another goal of this blog is to make you generate Deep Thoughts…

I am a native New Yorker, and even though I was living in Los Angeles at the time of the 9/11 attacks, I still reacted as if it were my hometown under siege.  I’d spent the first 27 years of my life looking at those mighty Twin Towers.  People I knew worked there, as did friends of friends.

My first job out of NYU was working for a company based in The Empire State Building.  That, too, is just an office building, filled with innocent workers trying to earn their daily wage.  It is also a landmark, a tourist attraction, and a potential…

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Hot Lard Demtivational Posters – Volume #43

Golly, I have been pretty busy. This is my fourth post of the weekend. Who knows, if I get around to doing a mad lib and a Mr. Positive, I may go for the cycle.

Well anyway , here is edition 43 of our beloved Demotivational Posters. I’m sure this batch will touch your heart or give you indigestion. Ether way you’ll feel something inside you that really shouldn’t be there.

Enjoy.

Lessons in Love by Nambeed Manbottom – Signs

Hello there amateur lovers. It’s me Nambeed Manbottom professional love maker and sex ninja.

Today’s lesson is on those subtle little signs women give when it is time for love making. Unfortunately, most men are unable to recognize these signs and end up missing out on the sweet body boom boom. But don’t worry little girly men, Nambeed Manbottom is here to educate you in the ways of women and the ways of love.

To start, a woman is not going to just hold up a sign to let you know what she wants. But it appears that most Asian men will. A woman is to aloof to just come out and tell her grunt & bump partner what she wants. The excitement for  the woman is in the chase. They like to draw it out for as long as they can with their little games and restraining orders. But when she is finally ready for that passionate 526 seconds, you have to be ready and able to understand the signs.

But not all signs from a woman are for sex….. most of them are… but some are not. And it is those rare moments that can keep you out of her bed, or get a face full of mace.

So let’s look at a few signs that women give and see if you are able to recognize them correctly.

I’m sure you armatures believe this lovely young lady is signaling  her willingness to perform certain sexual favors on a love studs man-parts . But you’d be wrong…. This innocent little lady just ate a bowl of popcorn and has kernels stuck in her teeth. Be a gentleman and flick a tooth pick at her and as soon as she cleans he gums of popcorn leftovers, she will be doing “favors” that I guarantee will make you happy. Like your laundry or sweeping the floor.

This next little vixen is all about getting her sexual urges satisfied by the first man who notices her obvious signs. How do I know this you ask? Huh…Huh…. Huh… We it’s as obvious as the nose on your face.

(Hot lard would like to apologize to all of our readers with leprosy for that last comment)

You see, she is in a art class…. and women know nothing about art. So obviously she wants it. I know what you are asking now…. “But Nambeed, how do you know she really isn’t there for an art class?”  You silly little man, you will continue to be a love amateur as long as you mistakenly think that way. Women are not good at art, they just cannot do it… What are women good at? Sex… and shaving their legs, but not art.

Here is a list of great artist…

Pablo Picasso

Leonardo Da Vinci

Norman Rockwell

Charles Schultz

What do they all have in common? That’s rights, they are men.

Now lets look at another list…

Linda Lovelace

Seka

Marilyn Chambers

Kim Kardashian

Do we see any artist in this list???? Nope, just hot and slutty porn stars. So it goes to prove that if a woman is in an art class, she is just looking for sex. Please don’t be mad at me, this is science… and you cannot argue with science.

Next,  looking at this young….. ummmmmm… lady? I guess you’d think she is signally sexual readiness. But if you pay close attention to this boy like girl, you’ll see it isn’t sex she wants at all. If you look carefully at the skin tight and skin colored shorts she is wearing, her ass looks like a raw chicken. She is just hungry and would like a nutritious & delicious chicken dinner.

Finally there are just the looks of awe and wonderment a woman will give a man when he does things like…. Drop his pant…. Flex his muscles….. Or vacuums the floor. These are the times that a woman cannot help herself and will do what ever she can to have smelly love time with the nearest man in the room.

I hope these wondrous tips of desire will help you armatures with your love making. Stayed tuned for my next post on how really great dance moves will make a woman like putty in your hands.  

Lessons in Love by Nambeed Manbottom – Pillow Talk

The thought that women desire pillow talk after love making is a complete falsehood.

Every woman I have made sweet, sweet love to, cannot wait for me to roll over and go to sleep… So they can start up their vibrator and finish the job.

 

Stay tuned for more Lessons in Love with Nambeed Manbottom

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Getting Old Sucks

The picture above is a 10 year reunion photo of the cast of the movie, School of Rock. It shows how the kids in the movie have all grown up to be well-rounded, good looking young adults.

I showed this picture to my 19 year old daughter, who was 9 at the time she first saw this movie. When she realized who this photo was of and how they have all grown, she got this all too familiar look on her face…..One I have made and have seen many times from others my age. But I know it was most certainly the first time it ever made its appearance on her face. (But I guarantee it will not be the last) As she looked up from the picture to me and I realized “The Look” she had. I said to her with great satisfaction and the biggest shit eating grin on my face….

“Sucks getting old, don’t it.”

A Message to the “Real Fans” of Star Trek

I just read that the supposed “Real Fans” of Star Trek, voted the latest movie release Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst movie of the franchise.

Really…?

Ummmmm, who are these “Real Fans” and what qualifies you as one. I ask, because I have been a Trek fan since the original series. I think I officially became a “Trekker” during the Next Generation era. And I even gave the other offshoots, Deep Space Nine, Voyager & Enterprise a try. Can’t say I was a big fan of the last three series offerings, but I do let them stand on their own merit. I believe that one of the reasons the last three did not work as well, is because they were just more of the same thing. New stories, different crew, but still same the ole ho hum Star Trek viewings.

The same thing goes for the movies. I’m a big fan and have seen each and every one of them the first week of their release; had them all on VHS, Laser Disc, then DVD, and finally Blue Ray. But just like the series, the movies were starting to get tired. By the time Nemesis rolled around, watching it was like masturbating for the sixth time in a week to the same photo of Sarah Palin. It can be done, but you really have to work at it. I guess I was really tired of watching D list actors (With some exceptions of course -Sir Patrick Stewart) just read their lines to collect a paycheck. Nemesis bombed at the box office, breaking the even number streak of Star Trek movies and we all knew it was time for some fresh blood.

In 2009 the savior of the franchise came. The JJ Abrams release of Star Trek was exactly what this tired franchise needed. The movie was fast paced, action packed, had a good story that kept the audience into the movie, and got new viewers interested in Star Trek again. I personally love this movie and rank it right below Star Trek II as best of the franchise. Three years later Star Trek: Into Darkness was released and admittedly it is not as good as its 2009 predecessor. But it was still a good movie that I enjoyed a lot.  I can hardly wait to get it on Blue Ray on September 10^th.

So it completely pisses me off when I hear that so called “Real Fans” of Star Trek are saying that the new movies are an abomination and should not be considered “REAL” Star Trek movies. I guess the “Real Fans” gathered last week and voted Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst of the franchise…… The worst……? Really?

OK, so called “Real Fans”, let me get this straight. You are saying that Into Darkness is worse than Star Trek: The Final Frontier…… Really? Final Frontier…. The movie that is considered by many people one of the worst movies of all time…. Not just worst of Star Trek movies…. BUT WORST OF ALL MOVIES!!!! This is the movie that we had to suffer through three old guys signing Row-row-row your boat and see a very old Uhura do a (Gulp) nude fan dance….. (Shudder). This movie was so bad, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time for taking me to see it… I heard she was never able to get over the break-up and ended her life in a very horrifying manner…. That almost makes up for taking me to that movie.

Oh and everyone that was responsible for unleashing the horror of Star Trek: Insurrection onto the unsuspecting public should be taken out to a public square and stoned to death. Then all their offspring should be killed just to prevent any of them from releasing any sort of movies themselves.

And let’s talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture….. I’d like to tell you how it ends, but I’ve never been able to stay awake through the entire movie. It is God-awful boring!!! Even Sheldon Cooper says it is the worst Star Trek movie, and as we all know, Sheldon is never wrong.

So that brings me to what makes someone a “Real Fan” of Star Trek. I thought I was a real fan and figured I could be part of the movie vote. But after looking at the official “Real Fan” rule book I guess I was disqualified. First off, I’ve had sex…. With a girl…… A REAL GIRL! Sorry, but blow up dolls, Anime love pillows, and that girl you had naughty words with on the Trek Masturbaters Dating Chat Line does not count. You do realize that girl was really a 56 year old convicted sex offender truck driver with Psoriasis and anal warts don’t you?

Plus I have children that are biologically mine. (Once again, that goes back to the having sex thing I guess). I have my own home, car and job….. Shoot, I guess that disqualifies me again. A “Real Fan” of Star Trek must live in the basement of his grandmother’s home, be unemployed, and cannot drive because they are too busy with important things like…….. ummmmmm….. Minecraft & WOW? Also the fact that I can talk to a girl without wetting my pants, keeps me out of the vote. And no that does not count the time that the girl in the elevator smiled at you. She was only smiling because your unwashed body odor was not making her eyes water that day. Plus all girls know that smiling at a “Real Fan” of Star Trek keeps them from having to talk to you. They know that a mere smile renders the “Real Fan” of Star Trek helpless to uncontrollable bowl movements. After a smile from the opposite sex you are using all your energy trying to keep last night’s hot pocket from decorating the back of your Pokémon underpants. So that prevents you from covering them with your rotting Mt Dew & Lunchables breath while trying to ask them to the Capt Kirk under the sea, sock hope. It’s true, it’s taught to them in Sex Ed at school. Lesson one: Avoiding the smelly geek who doesn’t know shit about what makes a good movie but will give his dumbass opinion anyway.

To be a “Real Fan” of Star Trek, you must like movies with special effects that are 20 years behind the times. They must consist of old (Past their prime) actors sitting around boardroom tables discussing the relevance to Duranioum 234 and speaking to Klingon tax adjusters in their own dialect. Did you see the fight seen between Riker and the bad guy that mind fucked Deanna Troi in Star Trek: Nemesis?   If not, go ahead and watch it now…. It’s OK, I’ll wait………………………………… All done? Looked like two senior citizens fighting over the last jar of prunes at the old folk’s home didn’t it.

Apparently that is what “Real Fans” of Star Trek prefer for their movies.

Well “Real Fans” of Star Trek let me make this clear from all of the “Non-Real Fans” of Star Trek…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Shut the fuck up and crawl back in your grandmother’s basement and masturbate to your Japanese anime porn. You do not speak for all of us. We like the new movies, we NEEDED the new movies. You are out of date morons that are angry because girls are now going to see the new Trek movies and that makes your asthma act up. We not so real fans, like the opposite sex and enjoy that fact that our favorite movie franchise is now relevant. We cannot wait for the third movie of this reboot to be released and hope it is just as fun, flashy, and as disturbing to you “Real Fans” as the last two were. As a matter of a fact, we all hope it kills you, so the next generation of Trek fans can move forward with this franchise without you.

Remember you idiots; Star Trek was the first show that had all races working together as equals. Star Trek showed the first interracial kiss on TV. This was unheard of in those days.  If the early generations of Trek creators thought the same as you did, (Let’s not try anything new, let’s stick with what has worked in the past) none of that would have happened. And the Star Trek that we have today and that I and many million others love so much, would not be the corner stone of the science fiction universe.

So in closing, I am a Star Trek fan and am proud to admit it. I may not wear the ears or know how the warp engines on the Enterprise work. But I enjoy the TV shows and movies just the same. I have a vote and a voice. My voice is telling you “Real Fans” of Star Trek to kiss my ass, sit down, shut the fuck up and watch the movie in silence…. Oh and try not to fart or puke on the girl sitting next to you… Trust me, shes is not happy to have to be near you either.

Thank you and enjoy the next Trek release in 2016 just in time for the 50^th anniversary. Golly, it must be driving you “Real Fans” nuts knowing the movie for the 50^th anniversary will be a reboot format…. That makes me smile.

Trainspotting 2: “Bloggers On A Train”

This comes from our good friend Buffalo Tom Peabody. This guy is very smart and knows what he is talking about. So  click on the link below, go to his site and listen to what he has to say.

You better go to his blog too…. I know where you all live and I’m not above standing over you when you sleep wearing a too-too and eating Doritos…

Trainspotting 2: “Bloggers On A Train”.