The Great Snake Battle of 2014

THE GREAT SNAKE BATTLE OF 2014
It’s not often I boast about my heroism. Yes, there have been many, many times that I have had to shirk the comforts and securities we take for granted every day, so I could come to the aid of someone who needed it. However, there is no statue of me in the town square, or songs sung by small children regaling my adventures and bravery.

That is until now…

Why is that you gasp? Well… Because last night, I showed heroism that can only be displays in old John Wayne movies. Yes, that’s right…. I battled and outwitted a baby snake. Not any baby snake mind you. But a baby snake so, cunning and ruthless, that is found its way into our house.

Around 9:30 last evening, I had just settled down from a long, hard, and epic day of Flow Automation Sales and Support to watch the manly football offering from ESPN. My daughter was in the front room on the stationary bike, trying to get in a few imaginary miles before turning in.

Now, I don’t claim to have a sixth sense. But a hush came over the football crowd on TV, and the wind had changed direction just enough for me to catch a whiff of something. It was faint but very distinct…. It was DANGER. With cat like reflexes I put down my bowl of popcorn and soda and skittered like a flash across the room so I could relieve myself. Yes, the danger was of me possibly wetting my pants from too much soda. I had no clue the snake thing was about to happen.

When I had settled down again to watch the football game, it happened. My daughter let out an ear piercing scream that could have woken the dead. “MOMMY, GET DOWN HERE NOW “she bellowed. My beautiful and equally heroic wife was upstairs getting our son to bed. She called down to her distressed daughter asking what the problem was. Kayla responded back with, “THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE FRONT ROOM”!!!

Without hesitation or any thought of my own safety, I immediately….. Paused the game. Because you can pause live TV with a DVR. Hey, my fantasy team needed points from this game!!! (And on a side note, my fantasy team ended up winning, so I guess it was a double victory for me, for truth, justice, and the American way)

Like a fireball of adrenaline and Geritol, I rushed to the front room only to be confronted by the Fangs of Death this Satan Viper possessed. This beast had only one thing on its mind… To serve its blood lust and to have my family for dinner. “Not tonight Mr. Spawn of Satan” I calmly said…. “Not tonight”.

The battle was fierce and epic. I was equipped with only my wit and nerves of steel. Plus a Nerf gun I picked up from the floor to scooch it away from the chest it was trying to get under. I knew that if it would have made it under that chest, I may have never seen my son again…. OK, it really hadn’t gotten my son, or even came close to him. But if it had gotten under there, it would have had time to plot its next move and that could have included taking my son.

My trusty spouse and trophy wife Donna, had bolted down the stairs and went out in the garage to collect my Excalibur from its trusty holding place, while I defended the lives of my family with my sons Nerf gun. Unfortunately the gun only had three Nerf Bullets in it, so I ran out of ammunition in no time (I’ll have to speak to my son about leaving his guns fully loaded) and had to rely strictly on my knife like reflexes to survive.

Once Donna return from the garage with Excalibur (Spade Shovel), I had my foe trapped against the front door. Now that he was cornered, he was using all his unearthly powers to try and strike at me and my family.

I believe you could hear angles singing as Donna heaved (in slow motion) the shovel to me. It glistened against the light of the room and shot out laser beams as it flew to me. In a single motion that only a man of my prowess could perform, I grabbed the shovel in mid-flight, whipped the Nerf gun back to Donna and brought the shovel down between me and my enemy just as it was going to strike.

The Satan Viper’s attack had been stopped, my children were still alive, and Donna had a pretty good size knot on her head from where the Nerf gun had hit her. I then quickly (and heroically) opened the front door and forced this brute outside to the unforgiving and treacherous wilds of Little Elm, Texas. “Come Hither Nicht More” I roared like an African Lion standing over a fresh kill. Then flung that bad boy as hard as I could into the darkness of the night.

As I shut the door and turned around, my family ran to me for a group embrace. My children looked up at be all doe eyed and said, “Thank you Father…. You have saved us all”. “It was nothing” I said, “That is what a father is supposed to do”. We then stood in a circle holding hands and sang 96 verses of Kumbaya.

The next morning as I walked out to my manly Mazda 6, to go to work. A small child ran up to me with a piece of paper in his hand. It was little Billy the mute boy from next door. Billy had not spoken a word for nearly 7 years. But he witnessed the battle that had raged on at our house and like some miracle, he spoke. He started to tell me how he saw the fight of the century and how he witnessed me not only saving my family, but also every family on the block from this 8 inch monster. He also started yammering on about his hamster and his favorite TV show and some other shit that I tuned out. The little fucker just wouldn’t shut up.

Anyway, he finally got around to showing me the piece of paper. It was a drawing he did of the battle that occurred the night before. Even though Billy was still a young child; I think he was able to truly capture the moment in art….. I have no clue who the black guy is in the picture… We’ll just call him Carl and leave it at that. You can see Little Billy’s drawing below. 10405588_1472353073047409_9152906137245868536_n

Well that’s it… That is my tale of the Great Snake Battle of 2014… I assure it is all true and happened exactly how I just explained it.

One Final Observation…

Life has a funny way of getting in the way of things we want to do.  When I was a kid I wanted to be an actor and make movies in Hollywood. But life had other plans for me.  I ended up serving in our nation’s military and then going to work in the oil and gas industry. I wanted to jet set around the world and experience new and wonderful things. But again life decided that a firmly planted father of two would be a better fit for me. I wanted to start my own website that had funny stories and would be world renown. And…. For a time, that appeared to be happening for Hot Lard. Back in 2008 and 2009 we were getting over a thousand hits a day and new readers throughout the world…..  But that pesky life thing stepped in again and decided that more responsibility from my main job was more important, and forced me away from Hot Lard for almost three years. I then decide to give Hot Lard one more chance and see if I still had it in me to do what I once did. And again, it looked like I was able to. I actually was able to restart Hot Lard, brought in new readers and was getting the hit count back up.  But….. Life has made its appearance again, and showed that it has other plans for me.  Plans that unfortunately do not allow me time to work on my blog.

So as of right now, I’m shutting down Hot Lard for good. I could see as time went on and I was finding it harder and harder to make time for this blog, I was eventually going to have to make a decision to either leave the site hanging again, for another long period of time before I could maybe come back to it. Or just shut it down and be done with it.  rip2Hot Lard is to near and dear to my heart to allow it to wallow in uncertainty again. That is why I’ve decide to just end it now and give this blog some finality.

I’d like to thank all of my readers for your time and wonderful comments. You have put a much bigger smile on my face, than I could have ever put on yours. You all have been an inspiration to me. I will try to pop into your blogs from time to time to give you a silly and off color comment. Just to keep you off guard.

But, I’m not going to leave you all without a parting gift. For my last post, I am doing a mash-up of some of the things I have done in the past.

I hope you enjoy it.

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thumbs-up-low-resMr. Positive says…

All good things must come to an End.

And in the case of Hot Lard, some mediocre things too.

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When I was younger and got high, this is how Oreo Cookies and all their God given creamy goodness looked to me.

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I think they are running out of  Super Hero names…

Need to click on the gif to see it

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Don’t be sad Hot Lard is shutting down. We will always be there in your dreams…McR7yfu

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What would cat porn look like?

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Someone just farted… can you guess who it was?

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Unnecessarily placing pixels on things, can give them an whole new meaning.

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I said a diet Coke, dammit!!!

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Some girls just don’t get into foreplay…

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I wonder what most women dream of….?

Click to see

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Oh before I forget… Happy Thanksgiving

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And Merry Christmas…. Yes that’s right you tree hugging liberals. I said MERRY CHRISTMAS… Deal with it.

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Now that I don’t have to blog daily , I’ll have more time to do some of the things I really enjoy…

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Like good hygiene…

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And doing my patriotic duty…

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I could learn some new dance moves..

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Or maybe I’ll get one of these on the beach…

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But most likely, I’ll just sit back, relax and watch some really good porn with some friends.

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And finally….

Here are a few gifs to keep you busy until another Hot Lard web site is created.

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And for those of you who just didn’t get me and my sense of humor…

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And for those of you that followed my site and stayed with me to the end….

Click to see gif

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God Bless & Good Bye

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Deep Thoughts On A Day We Will Never Forget

I could not express my feelings better than this.
God Bless America, God Bless our Troops. Never forget.

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

WTCI know this is a comedy blog, and I like to keep the mood light, but I would be remiss were I not to comment on the significance of today.  Aside from making you laugh, another goal of this blog is to make you generate Deep Thoughts…

I am a native New Yorker, and even though I was living in Los Angeles at the time of the 9/11 attacks, I still reacted as if it were my hometown under siege.  I’d spent the first 27 years of my life looking at those mighty Twin Towers.  People I knew worked there, as did friends of friends.

My first job out of NYU was working for a company based in The Empire State Building.  That, too, is just an office building, filled with innocent workers trying to earn their daily wage.  It is also a landmark, a tourist attraction, and a potential…

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Hot Lard Demtivational Posters – Volume #43

Golly, I have been pretty busy. This is my fourth post of the weekend. Who knows, if I get around to doing a mad lib and a Mr. Positive, I may go for the cycle.

Well anyway , here is edition 43 of our beloved Demotivational Posters. I’m sure this batch will touch your heart or give you indigestion. Ether way you’ll feel something inside you that really shouldn’t be there.

Enjoy.

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Lessons in Love by Nambeed Manbottom – Signs

hBBF683A2Hello there amateur lovers. It’s me Nambeed Manbottom professional love maker and sex ninja.

Today’s lesson is on those subtle little signs women give when it is time for love making. Unfortunately, most men are unable to recognize these signs and end up missing out on the sweet body boom boom. But don’t worry little girly men, Nambeed Manbottom is here to educate you in the ways of women and the ways of love.

To start, a woman is not going to just hold up a sign to let you know what she wants. But it appears that most Asian KGIlG23men will. A woman is to aloof to just come out and tell her grunt & bump partner what she wants. The excitement for  the woman is in the chase. They like to draw it out for as long as they can with their little games and restraining orders. But when she is finally ready for that passionate 526 seconds, you have to be ready and able to understand the signs.

But not all signs from a woman are for sex….. most of them are… but some are not. And it is those rare moments that can keep you out of her bed, or get a face full of mace.

So let’s look at a few signs that women give and see if you are able to recognize them correctly.

s6GNrvqI’m sure you armatures believe this lovely young lady is signaling  her willingness to perform certain sexual favors on a love studs man-parts . But you’d be wrong…. This innocent little lady just ate a bowl of popcorn and has kernels stuck in her teeth. Be a gentleman and flick a tooth pick at her and as soon as she cleans he gums of popcorn leftovers, she will be doing “favors” that I guarantee will make you happy. Like your laundry or sweeping the floor.

This next little vixen is all about getting her sexual urges satisfied by the first man who notices her obvious signs. How do I know this you ask? Huh…Huh…. Huh… We it’s as obvious as the nose on your face.

(Hot lard would like to apologize kRuVI4Sto all of our readers with leprosy for that last comment)

You see, she is in a art class…. and women know nothing about art. So obviously she wants it. I know what you are asking now…. “But Nambeed, how do you know she really isn’t there for an art class?”  You silly little man, you will continue to be a love amateur as long as you mistakenly think that way. Women are not good at art, they just cannot do it… What are women good at? Sex… and shaving their legs, but not art.

Here is a list of great artist…

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Leonardo Da Vinci

Norman Rockwell

Charles Schultz

What do they all have in common? That’s rights, they are men.

Now lets look at another list…

Linda LovelaceInside-Linda-Lovelace-Book-Cover

Seka

Marilyn Chambers

Kim Kardashian

Do we see any artist in this list???? Nope, just hot and slutty porn stars. So it goes to prove that if a woman is in an art class, she is just looking for sex. Please don’t be mad at me, this is science… and you cannot argue with science.

Next,  looking at this young….. ummmmmm… lady? I guess you’d think she is signally sexual readiness. Miley-Cyrus-2224429.png8NgHV0uBut if you pay close attention to this boy like girl, you’ll see it isn’t sex she wants at all. If you look carefully at the skin tight and skin colored shorts she is wearing, her ass looks like a raw chicken. She is just hungry and would like a nutritious & delicious chicken dinner.

n66WIWiFinally there are just the looks of awe and wonderment a woman will give a man when he does things like…. Drop his pant…. Flex his muscles….. Or vacuums the floor. These are the times that a woman cannot help herself and will do what ever she can to have smelly love time with the nearest man in the room.

I hope these wondrous tips of desire will help you armatures with your love making. Stayed tuned for my next post on how really great dance moves will make a woman like putty in your hands.   9F0bCuo

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Getting Old Sucks

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The picture above is a 10 year reunion photo of the cast of the movie, School of Rock. It shows how the kids in the movie have all grown up to be well-rounded, good looking young adults.

I showed this picture to my 19 year old daughter, who was 9 at the time she first saw this movie. When she realized who this photo was of and how they have all grown, she got this all too familiar look on her face…..One I have made and have seen many times from others my age. But I know it was most certainly the first time it ever made its appearance on her face. (But I guarantee it will not be the last) As she looked up from the picture to me and I realized “The Look” she had. I said to her with great satisfaction and the biggest shit eating grin on my face….

“Sucks getting old, don’t it.”