I just read that the supposed “Real Fans” of Star Trek, voted the latest movie release Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst movie of the franchise.
Ummmmm, who are these “Real Fans” and what qualifies you as one. I ask, because I have been a Trek fan since the original series. I think I officially became a “Trekker” during the Next Generation era. And I even gave the other offshoots, Deep Space Nine, Voyager & Enterprise a try. Can’t say I was a big fan of the last three series offerings, but I do let them stand on their own merit. I believe that one of the reasons the last three did not work as well, is because they were just more of the same thing. New stories, different crew, but still same the ole ho hum Star Trek viewings.
The same thing goes for the movies. I’m a big fan and have seen each and every one of them the first week of their release; had them all on VHS, Laser Disc, then DVD, and finally Blue Ray. But just like the series, the movies were starting to get tired. By the time Nemesis rolled around, watching it was like masturbating for the sixth time in a week to the same photo of Sarah Palin. It can be done, but you really have to work at it. I guess I was really tired of watching D list actors (With some exceptions of course -Sir Patrick Stewart) just read their lines to collect a paycheck. Nemesis bombed at the box office, breaking the even number streak of Star Trek movies and we all knew it was time for some fresh blood.
In 2009 the savior of the franchise came. The JJ Abrams release of Star Trek was exactly what this tired franchise needed. The movie was fast paced, action packed, had a good story that kept the audience into the movie, and got new viewers interested in Star Trek again. I personally love this movie and rank it right below Star Trek II as best of the franchise. Three years later Star Trek: Into Darkness was released and admittedly it is not as good as its 2009 predecessor. But it was still a good movie that I enjoyed a lot. I can hardly wait to get it on Blue Ray on September 10th.
So it completely pisses me off when I hear that so called “Real Fans” of Star Trek are saying that the new movies are an abomination and should not be considered “REAL” Star Trek movies. I guess the “Real Fans” gathered last week and voted Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst of the franchise…… The worst……? Really?
OK, so called “Real Fans”, let me get this straight. You are saying that Into Darkness is worse than Star Trek: The Final Frontier…… Really? Final Frontier…. The movie that is considered by many people one of the worst movies of all time…. Not just worst of Star Trek movies…. BUT WORST OF ALL MOVIES!!!! This is the movie that we had to suffer through three old guys signing Row-row-row your boat and see a very old Uhura do a (Gulp) nude fan dance….. (Shudder). This movie was so bad, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time for taking me to see it… I heard she was never able to get over the break-up and ended her life in a very horrifying manner…. That almost makes up for taking me to that movie.
Oh and everyone that was responsible for unleashing the horror of Star Trek: Insurrection onto the unsuspecting public should be taken out to a public square and stoned to death. Then all their offspring should be killed just to prevent any of them from releasing any sort of movies themselves.
And let’s talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture….. I’d like to tell you how it ends, but I’ve never been able to stay awake through the entire movie. It is God-awful boring!!! Even Sheldon Cooper says it is the worst Star Trek movie, and as we all know, Sheldon is never wrong.
So that brings me to what makes someone a “Real Fan” of Star Trek. I thought I was a real fan and figured I could be part of the movie vote. But after looking at the official “Real Fan” rule book I guess I was disqualified. First off, I’ve had sex…. With a girl…… A REAL GIRL! Sorry, but blow up dolls, Anime love pillows, and that girl you had naughty words with on the Trek Masturbaters Dating Chat Line does not count. You do realize that girl was really a 56 year old convicted sex offender truck driver with Psoriasis and anal warts don’t you?
Plus I have children that are biologically mine. (Once again, that goes back to the having sex thing I guess). I have my own home, car and job….. Shoot, I guess that disqualifies me again. A “Real Fan” of Star Trek must live in the basement of his grandmother’s home, be unemployed, and cannot drive because they are too busy with important things like…….. ummmmmm….. Minecraft & WOW? Also the fact that I can talk to a girl without wetting my pants, keeps me out of the vote. And no that does not count the time that the girl in the elevator smiled at you. She was only smiling because your unwashed body odor was not making her eyes water that day. Plus all girls know that smiling at a “Real Fan” of Star Trek keeps them from having to talk to you. They know that a mere smile renders the “Real Fan” of Star Trek helpless to uncontrollable bowl movements. After a smile from the opposite sex you are using all your energy trying to keep last night’s hot pocket from decorating the back of your Pokémon underpants. So that prevents you from covering them with your rotting Mt Dew & Lunchables breath while trying to ask them to the Capt Kirk under the sea, sock hope. It’s true, it’s taught to them in Sex Ed at school. Lesson one: Avoiding the smelly geek who doesn’t know shit about what makes a good movie but will give his dumbass opinion anyway.
To be a “Real Fan” of Star Trek, you must like movies with special effects that are 20 years behind the times. They must consist of old (Past their prime) actors sitting around boardroom tables discussing the relevance to Duranioum 234 and speaking to Klingon tax adjusters in their own dialect. Did you see the fight seen between Riker and the bad guy that mind fucked Deanna Troi in Star Trek: Nemesis? If not, go ahead and watch it now…. It’s OK, I’ll wait………………………………… All done? Looked like two senior citizens fighting over the last jar of prunes at the old folk’s home didn’t it.
Apparently that is what “Real Fans” of Star Trek prefer for their movies.
Well “Real Fans” of Star Trek let me make this clear from all of the “Non-Real Fans” of Star Trek…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Shut the fuck up and crawl back in your grandmother’s basement and masturbate to your Japanese anime porn. You do not speak for all of us. We like the new movies, we NEEDED the new movies. You are out of date morons that are angry because girls are now going to see the new Trek movies and that makes your asthma act up. We not so real fans, like the opposite sex and enjoy that fact that our favorite movie franchise is now relevant. We cannot wait for the third movie of this reboot to be released and hope it is just as fun, flashy, and as disturbing to you “Real Fans” as the last two were. As a matter of a fact, we all hope it kills you, so the next generation of Trek fans can move forward with this franchise without you.
Remember you idiots; Star Trek was the first show that had all races working together as equals. Star Trek showed the first interracial kiss on TV. This was unheard of in those days. If the early generations of Trek creators thought the same as you did, (Let’s not try anything new, let’s stick with what has worked in the past) none of that would have happened. And the Star Trek that we have today and that I and many million others love so much, would not be the corner stone of the science fiction universe.
So in closing, I am a Star Trek fan and am proud to admit it. I may not wear the ears or know how the warp engines on the Enterprise work. But I enjoy the TV shows and movies just the same. I have a vote and a voice. My voice is telling you “Real Fans” of Star Trek to kiss my ass, sit down, shut the fuck up and watch the movie in silence…. Oh and try not to fart or puke on the girl sitting next to you… Trust me, shes is not happy to have to be near you either.
Thank you and enjoy the next Trek release in 2016 just in time for the 50th anniversary. Golly, it must be driving you “Real Fans” nuts knowing the movie for the 50th anniversary will be a reboot format…. That makes me smile.