Just popped in to say “Hi”…. Oh, and here are a few other projects I’m working on

Hey all, just wanted to check in and let you know that the movie is going well.

OK, maybe not well… but it is going. Had some trouble with the local authorities. Apparently some people have issues with my film crew pillaging the small towns around here. Also, did you know that in some countries it is illegal to run through the streets wearing a pink tootoo and jelly donuts as a bra, exclaiming you are an angry God and demanding all the local virgins come to the town square for a SpaghettiO’s bath and spankings? Some places have no culture I guess.

I also want to take a moment to thank Shana for the great job she is doing. Because of her hard work, we are now a pay-per-view site. I figured I’d have to go back to showing barn yard porn again to charge for views… But apparently she knows away around that, and can make people pay for things other than porn.  Amazing what science can do these days.

Because of the great reception the Hot Lard movie is getting. I’d like to show you some other projects I have worked on or will be working on soon. I don’t want to brag, but I’m seeing an Oscar sitting in the Hot Lard women’s room trophy case in the near future.

KITTY WARRIOR

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Pay Per View

I thought I’d do my bit to help Ervin raise funds for the Hot Lard Movie that he’s currently filming. All posts on this blog will now only be available as Pay Per View.

Please complete the following form, it’s only $29 a month, surely a small price to pay to read the most awesome blog on the Interwebs.

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The reason I’m so busy… The Hot Lard Movie

I know, I know, I’m supposed to be too busy to create any posts and here I am creating more than ever.

I just did not feel right leaving you all without a reason why I’m so busy.

It’s because I’m working on the Hot Lard Movie. Yes, there is a going the be a Hot Lard movie, staring…….. Me of course. Who the fuck else would it star.

Primary shooting starts in Uruguay this next week and it will be taking up all my time.

I cannot tell you anything about the story, because I’m contractually obligated not to (Plus I’m making this shit up on the fly and have no clue what to say. I’m just doing this post because I found this cool movie poster site).

But here is one of the many movie posters you will start to see on billboards and porno shops.

The movie should be released sometime in 2015, so you may want to start camping out in front of your local theater now.

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OK, I mean it, I’m done now…. (Said the crack head)

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Getting Old Sucks

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The picture above is a 10 year reunion photo of the cast of the movie, School of Rock. It shows how the kids in the movie have all grown up to be well-rounded, good looking young adults.

I showed this picture to my 19 year old daughter, who was 9 at the time she first saw this movie. When she realized who this photo was of and how they have all grown, she got this all too familiar look on her face…..One I have made and have seen many times from others my age. But I know it was most certainly the first time it ever made its appearance on her face. (But I guarantee it will not be the last) As she looked up from the picture to me and I realized “The Look” she had. I said to her with great satisfaction and the biggest shit eating grin on my face….

“Sucks getting old, don’t it.”

A Message to the “Real Fans” of Star Trek

I just read that the supposed “Real Fans” of Star Trek, voted the latest movie release Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst movie of the franchise.

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Really…?

Ummmmm, who are these “Real Fans” and what qualifies you as one. I ask, because I have been a Trek fan since the original series. I think I officially became a “Trekker” during the Next Generation era. And I even gave the other offshoots, Deep Space Nine, Voyager & Enterprise a try. Can’t say I was a big fan of the last three series offerings, but I do let them stand on their own merit. I believe that one of the reasons the last three did not work as well, is because they were just more of the same thing. New stories, different crew, but still same the ole ho hum Star Trek viewings.

The same thing goes for the movies. I’m a big fan and have seen each and every one of them the first week of their release; had them all on VHS, Laser Disc, then DVD, and finally Blue Ray. But just like the series, the movies were starting to get tired. By the time Nemesis rolled around, watching it was like masturbating for the sixth time in a week to the same photo of Sarah Palin. It can be done, but you really have to work at it. I guess I was really tired of watching D list actors (With some exceptions of course -Sir Patrick Stewart) just read their lines to collect a paycheck. Nemesis bombed at the box office, breaking the even number streak of Star Trek movies and we all knew it was time for some fresh blood.

JJ AbramsIn 2009 the savior of the franchise came. The JJ Abrams release of Star Trek was exactly what this tired franchise needed. The movie was fast paced, action packed, had a good story that kept the audience into the movie, and got new viewers interested in Star Trek again. I personally love this movie and rank it right below Star Trek II as best of the franchise. Three years later Star Trek: Into Darkness was released and admittedly it is not as good as its 2009 predecessor. But it was still a good movie that I enjoyed a lot.  I can hardly wait to get it on Blue Ray on September 10th.

imagesSo it completely pisses me off when I hear that so called “Real Fans” of Star Trek are saying that the new movies are an abomination and should not be considered “REAL” Star Trek movies. I guess the “Real Fans” gathered last week and voted Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst of the franchise…… The worst……? Really?

OK, so called “Real Fans”, let me get this straight. You are saying that Into Darkness is worse than Star Trek: The Final Frontier…… Really? Final Frontier…. The movie that is considered by many people one of the worst movies of all time…. Not just worst of Star Trek movies…. BUT WORST OF ALL MOVIES!!!! This is the movie that we had to suffer through three old guys signing Row-row-row your boat and see a very old Uhura do a (Gulp) nude fan dance….. (Shudder). This movie was so bad, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time for taking me to see it… I heard she was never able to get over the break-up and ended her life in a very horrifying manner…. That almost makes up for taking me to that movie.

Oh and everyone that was responsible for unleashing the horror of Star Trek: Insurrection onto the unsuspecting public should be taken out to a public square and stoned to death. Then all their offspring should be killed just to prevent any of them from releasing any sort of movies themselves.

sheldom cooperAnd let’s talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture….. I’d like to tell you how it ends, but I’ve never been able to stay awake through the entire movie. It is God-awful boring!!! Even Sheldon Cooper says it is the worst Star Trek movie, and as we all know, Sheldon is never wrong.

dolls2So that brings me to what makes someone a “Real Fan” of Star Trek. I thought I was a real fan and figured I could be part of the movie vote. But after looking at the official “Real Fan” rule book I guess I was disqualified. First off, I’ve had sex…. With a girl…… A REAL GIRL! Sorry, but blow up dolls, Anime love pillows, and that girl you had naughty words with on the Trek Masturbaters Dating Chat Line does not count. You do realize that girl was really a 56 year old convicted sex offender truck driver with Psoriasis and anal warts Trek Datingdon’t you?

Plus I have children that are biologically mine. (Once again, that goes back to the having sex thing I guess). I have my own home, car and job….. Shoot, I guess that disqualifies me again. A “Real Fan” of Star Trek must live in the basement of his grandmother’s home, be unemployed, and cannot drive because they are too busy with important things like…….. ummmmmm….. Minecraft & WOW? Also the fact that I can talk to a girl without wetting my pants, keeps me out of the vote. And no that does not count the time that the girl in the elevator smiled at you. She was only smiling because your unwashed body odor was not making her eyes water that day. Plus all girls know that smiling at a “Real Fan” of Star Trek keeps them from having to talk to you. They know that a mere smile renders the “Real Fan” of Star Trek helpless to uncontrollable bowl movements. After a smile from the opposite sex you are using all your energy trying to keep last night’s hot pocket from decorating the back of your Pokémon underpants. So that1363437_orig prevents you from covering them with your rotting Mt Dew & Lunchables breath while trying to ask them to the Capt Kirk under the sea, sock hope. It’s true, it’s taught to them in Sex Ed at school. Lesson one: Avoiding the smelly geek who doesn’t know shit about what makes a good movie but will give his dumbass opinion anyway.

To be a “Real Fan” of Star Trek, you must like movies with special effects that are 20 years behind the times. They must consist of old (Past their prime) actors sitting around boardroom tables discussing the relevance to Duranioum 234 and speaking to Klingon tax adjusters in their own dialect. Did you see the fight seen between Riker and the bad guy that mind fucked Deanna Troi in Star Trek: Nemesis?   If not, go ahead and watch it now…. It’s OK, I’ll wait………………………………… All done? Looked like two senior citizens fighting over the last jar of prunes at the old folk’s home didn’t it.f58d2f12-921a-4bc8-829a-e217c7f7a773

Apparently that is what “Real Fans” of Star Trek prefer for their movies.

Well “Real Fans” of Star Trek let me make this clear from all of the “Non-Real Fans” of Star Trek…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Shut the fuck up and crawl back in your grandmother’s basement and masturbate to your Japanese anime porn. You do not speak for all of us. We like the new movies, we NEEDED the new movies. You are out of date morons that are angry because girls are now going to see the new Trek movies and that makes your asthma act up. We not so real fans, like the opposite sex and enjoy that fact that our favorite movie franchise is now relevant. We cannot wait for the third movie of this reboot to be released and hope it is just as fun, flashy, and as disturbing to you “Real Fans” as the last two were. As a matter of a fact, we all hope it kills you, so the next generation of Trek fans can move forward with this franchise without you.

UhuraKirkKissRemember you idiots; Star Trek was the first show that had all races working together as equals. Star Trek showed the first interracial kiss on TV. This was unheard of in those days.  If the early generations of Trek creators thought the same as you did, (Let’s not try anything new, let’s stick with what has worked in the past) none of that would have happened. And the Star Trek that we have today and that I and many million others love so much, would not be the corner stone of the science fiction universe.

So in closing, I am a Star Trek fan and am proud to admit it. I may not wear the ears or know how the warp engines on the Enterprise work. But I enjoy the TV shows and movies just the same. I have a vote and a voice. My voice is telling you “Real Fans” of Star Trek to kiss my ass, sit down, shut the fuck up and watch the movie in silence…. Oh and try not to fart or puke on the girl sitting next to you… Trust me, shes is not happy to have to be near you either.

Thank you and enjoy the next Trek release in 2016 just in time for the 50th anniversary. Golly, it must be driving you “Real Fans” nuts knowing the movie for the 50th anniversary will be a reboot format…. That makes me smile.

Hot Lard Movie Review – Sharknado

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I know I am a little behind the curve on this one. But last night I had the pleasure of watching Sharknado for the first time and had to take a few minutes to put down my thoughts on this cinematic masterpiece.
I must admit that I went into this movie with high expectations. Not because it was to be a really good movie. But I knew it was really bad. I had read the reviews, heard about it on radio & TV and the general consensus was that this movie was so bad…. It was good.
I actually enjoy this type of movie. The one’s that didn’t make an enormous mark at the box-office or with critics, and in all reality are a bad movie. One of my most favorite movies of all time is “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. That is what I consider the golden standard of movies that are so bad, they are good.   Below is a guilty pleasure list of some (Not all) of the bad movies that I tend to enjoy to view.

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Dumb & Dumber (A True Masterpiece)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (The Gold Standard!!!)
Battleship
Star Trek the Motion Picture
Night of the Lepus
The Giant Claw
Them
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Mannequin
Troll 2
Flash Gordon
Idle Hands
Reefer Madness
Anaconda

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But unknown to many, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes had a squeal, that was equally bad… but not so bad it was good. And that is where I unfortunately have to place Sharknado.

Now let’s move to last night’s offering. Sharknado is in all counts a very, very bad movie. Bad on the level that makes its viewers angry to the point that they should pick up torches and pitch forks. Form an angry mob and march down to the offices of the SYFY network and demand a sacrifice of the executive staff that agreed to release this atrocity on the unknowing public. This movie was so bad, that I am sorry and very disappointed to admit that it will never make the list of the bad movies that are so bad they are good.

The reason I had such a negative reaction for this movie, is the fact that it didn’t even try to be good. Most bad movies at least try to be good. Even Plan 9 from Outer Space tried (albeit feebly) to be good.
Sharknado knew it was bad from the start and went downhill from there. The bad seemed to ooze from this movie, making it very hard to watch. They did not try at all to make you believe this was at all a dire situation. Let me explain…
As we see at the start of the movie, there is a hurricane moving towards the shore of California.  A hurricane… If I’m not mistaken, is some pretty bad shit. Buuuuut that does not seem to put a damper on the shore side amusement park and drinking crowd. Yes, that is correct, as Hurricane… ummmmm I don’t remember the name of the storm… But this hurricane is bearing down on the cost. The Bar…. THE SHORE SIDE BAR is still very full a patrons, playing pool, drink beer, and generally commiserating.

AND THEN LOW AND BEHOLD…

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This surprise storm (That everybody knew was coming) attacks the shore and its people with no provocation at all. It is hell bent on flooding the streets and filling them with sharks to eat all the drinking and pool playing people. So our heroes finally decide that maybe its time to close the bar and move to higher ground…… And what better place to go but Beverly Hills. They end up in the mansion of the ex-wife of main hero Mr. 90210. The ex-wife is played by none other than Terra Reed, who is a real treat in this movie. But I’ll get to that more in a bit.

Suddenly the mansion is full of water & sharks, so they have to get out quick. And it appears that on the outside of the house there is less water than there is inside of it. Again… Inside of the house, enough water for 3000 lbs sharks to swim… Outside, just puddles so you can drive your car.

We next find our hero (Mr. 90210) trying to save a bunch of kids stranded in a school bus that is slowly being overcome by water and sharks…. Some very clever camera angles were used to make sure we never see below the windows of the bus. Until the CG of the water and sharks could kick in that is. But you will notice that in the back ground of some of the shots, there appears to be normal traffic. No water, no sharks, no sign of people trying to get away from the storm that has reeked so much havoc on this city. Nope, none of that. Just normal folk driving around with no clue of the disasters that occurred and the heroism that was being performed just yards away from them. Well, they rescue all the kids, but the bus driver does die…. As if none of us saw that coming.

By this point I was on my fourth glass of wine and things started to get fuzzy. I vaguely remember our heroes making it to a liquor store. Then find the funds to buy a $50,000  vehicle when theirs goes belly up. Surviving a Sharknado at the airport that destroys every plane there……. Except one single helicopter. I believe this helo was used by the son of Mr. 90210 and the waitress that has a thing for Mr.90210 to throw bombs into the Sharknados to stop them…… Because a bar waitress is knowledgeable in these things I guess. And let me ask… where was the US government, city, and weather officials during this whole thing. Do we as a nation have to depend on bar patrons that don’t know enough to get out of a shore side bar before the hurricane hits to save us all?

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Let’s see… then the helo gets attacked by sharks and the professional bomb throwing into Sharknados waitress falls out of the helo and into the waiting mouth of a flying Great White. This is the only point of the movie I showed any emotion. It saddened me that the waitress and her boobies had died……. Or did they??????
In the final Cou-de-gra, Mr. 90210 saves his daughter by jumping into a flying Great White with a chain saw. I think you can actually hear the “Gulp” sound come from the shark as he swallows Mr. 90210. Everyone is sad as they look upon the shark as it lays there digesting Mr. 90210.

BUT THEN…….!

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Mr. 90210 chainsaws himself out of his tomb….. Plus he also rescues the waitress love interest. I guess he had enough wherewithal to watch out for any others that may have been inside the shark’s tummy as he jumped into it with a running chain saw. Apparently he missed the waitress altogether and was able to pull her out of the shark along with himself. Everyone smiles… The movie ends, and I died a little bit inside.???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way one of those art house movie critics that believes the only good movies are ones with gay cowboys eating pudding. I love cheesy movies! I normally enjoy the Saturday SYFY cheesy movie.  I believe a good movie should have at least one explosion in it every 24.68 minutes. (Oh yeah, that is how they lost the first truck… It had a small gas leak that waiting until everyone could get out and then run…  No, I mean “jog” away from it before it CG explodes) But Sharknado is nothing but a bad, bad movie that offers nothing to anyone.

Now, let me reflect on some of the good of this movie… Terra Reid.

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And when I say “Good”, I am referring to how she makes me feel about the decisions I have made in my life as compared to hers. Terra Reid is a complete waist. In this movie you can see she wasn’t even trying. Not to say that any of the other actors should be renting a tux for the Oscars anytime soon. But you can plainly see she was only there for the meager paycheck she was earning, and probably the free drinks they promise her for just showing up. The best parts of the movie where when something would happen and there would be a 3 second cut to Terra’s face in hopes she was paying attention long enough to try and put an expression on it.  Most of the time the expressions you got were…

“Oh Hum”, Terra

“Oh shit, was that my que?” Terra

This is me acting…. REALLY!!

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“Golly, I wonder if the janitor has any more of that Cherry Yum Diddly, Ripple left?” Terra

There was a time when Terra’s acting skills did not need to be great, because she was something nice to look at…. But that time has passed and the executives of Sharknado must have learned that because she has been cut from Sharknado 2.

So to recap, Sharknado sucked… It is not one of those movies, that is so bad it is good. I am really pissed off that I wasted 2 hours of my Saturday night watching it….. And I will probably still watch Sharknado 2 when it is released.