Mr. Positive – 9/8/2013

Mr Positive says…

thumbs-up-low-resIn today’s work environment it takes a strong willed individual to lead their team. In good times and bad, that individual needs to be the rock their team can come to for good advice and a steady hand.

When it is time for you to be that leader, you need to look deep inside yourself to discover the things that make you who you are. What makes you tick? Why you do what you do? You need to learn the real you.  

Then it would probably be a good idea to turn yourself into the authorities for what you learned. You’re a pretty mess up individual and we would all probably be much safer if you were behind bars.   

A Message to the “Real Fans” of Star Trek

I just read that the supposed “Real Fans” of Star Trek, voted the latest movie release Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst movie of the franchise.

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Really…?

Ummmmm, who are these “Real Fans” and what qualifies you as one. I ask, because I have been a Trek fan since the original series. I think I officially became a “Trekker” during the Next Generation era. And I even gave the other offshoots, Deep Space Nine, Voyager & Enterprise a try. Can’t say I was a big fan of the last three series offerings, but I do let them stand on their own merit. I believe that one of the reasons the last three did not work as well, is because they were just more of the same thing. New stories, different crew, but still same the ole ho hum Star Trek viewings.

The same thing goes for the movies. I’m a big fan and have seen each and every one of them the first week of their release; had them all on VHS, Laser Disc, then DVD, and finally Blue Ray. But just like the series, the movies were starting to get tired. By the time Nemesis rolled around, watching it was like masturbating for the sixth time in a week to the same photo of Sarah Palin. It can be done, but you really have to work at it. I guess I was really tired of watching D list actors (With some exceptions of course -Sir Patrick Stewart) just read their lines to collect a paycheck. Nemesis bombed at the box office, breaking the even number streak of Star Trek movies and we all knew it was time for some fresh blood.

JJ AbramsIn 2009 the savior of the franchise came. The JJ Abrams release of Star Trek was exactly what this tired franchise needed. The movie was fast paced, action packed, had a good story that kept the audience into the movie, and got new viewers interested in Star Trek again. I personally love this movie and rank it right below Star Trek II as best of the franchise. Three years later Star Trek: Into Darkness was released and admittedly it is not as good as its 2009 predecessor. But it was still a good movie that I enjoyed a lot.  I can hardly wait to get it on Blue Ray on September 10th.

imagesSo it completely pisses me off when I hear that so called “Real Fans” of Star Trek are saying that the new movies are an abomination and should not be considered “REAL” Star Trek movies. I guess the “Real Fans” gathered last week and voted Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst of the franchise…… The worst……? Really?

OK, so called “Real Fans”, let me get this straight. You are saying that Into Darkness is worse than Star Trek: The Final Frontier…… Really? Final Frontier…. The movie that is considered by many people one of the worst movies of all time…. Not just worst of Star Trek movies…. BUT WORST OF ALL MOVIES!!!! This is the movie that we had to suffer through three old guys signing Row-row-row your boat and see a very old Uhura do a (Gulp) nude fan dance….. (Shudder). This movie was so bad, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time for taking me to see it… I heard she was never able to get over the break-up and ended her life in a very horrifying manner…. That almost makes up for taking me to that movie.

Oh and everyone that was responsible for unleashing the horror of Star Trek: Insurrection onto the unsuspecting public should be taken out to a public square and stoned to death. Then all their offspring should be killed just to prevent any of them from releasing any sort of movies themselves.

sheldom cooperAnd let’s talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture….. I’d like to tell you how it ends, but I’ve never been able to stay awake through the entire movie. It is God-awful boring!!! Even Sheldon Cooper says it is the worst Star Trek movie, and as we all know, Sheldon is never wrong.

dolls2So that brings me to what makes someone a “Real Fan” of Star Trek. I thought I was a real fan and figured I could be part of the movie vote. But after looking at the official “Real Fan” rule book I guess I was disqualified. First off, I’ve had sex…. With a girl…… A REAL GIRL! Sorry, but blow up dolls, Anime love pillows, and that girl you had naughty words with on the Trek Masturbaters Dating Chat Line does not count. You do realize that girl was really a 56 year old convicted sex offender truck driver with Psoriasis and anal warts Trek Datingdon’t you?

Plus I have children that are biologically mine. (Once again, that goes back to the having sex thing I guess). I have my own home, car and job….. Shoot, I guess that disqualifies me again. A “Real Fan” of Star Trek must live in the basement of his grandmother’s home, be unemployed, and cannot drive because they are too busy with important things like…….. ummmmmm….. Minecraft & WOW? Also the fact that I can talk to a girl without wetting my pants, keeps me out of the vote. And no that does not count the time that the girl in the elevator smiled at you. She was only smiling because your unwashed body odor was not making her eyes water that day. Plus all girls know that smiling at a “Real Fan” of Star Trek keeps them from having to talk to you. They know that a mere smile renders the “Real Fan” of Star Trek helpless to uncontrollable bowl movements. After a smile from the opposite sex you are using all your energy trying to keep last night’s hot pocket from decorating the back of your Pokémon underpants. So that1363437_orig prevents you from covering them with your rotting Mt Dew & Lunchables breath while trying to ask them to the Capt Kirk under the sea, sock hope. It’s true, it’s taught to them in Sex Ed at school. Lesson one: Avoiding the smelly geek who doesn’t know shit about what makes a good movie but will give his dumbass opinion anyway.

To be a “Real Fan” of Star Trek, you must like movies with special effects that are 20 years behind the times. They must consist of old (Past their prime) actors sitting around boardroom tables discussing the relevance to Duranioum 234 and speaking to Klingon tax adjusters in their own dialect. Did you see the fight seen between Riker and the bad guy that mind fucked Deanna Troi in Star Trek: Nemesis?   If not, go ahead and watch it now…. It’s OK, I’ll wait………………………………… All done? Looked like two senior citizens fighting over the last jar of prunes at the old folk’s home didn’t it.f58d2f12-921a-4bc8-829a-e217c7f7a773

Apparently that is what “Real Fans” of Star Trek prefer for their movies.

Well “Real Fans” of Star Trek let me make this clear from all of the “Non-Real Fans” of Star Trek…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Shut the fuck up and crawl back in your grandmother’s basement and masturbate to your Japanese anime porn. You do not speak for all of us. We like the new movies, we NEEDED the new movies. You are out of date morons that are angry because girls are now going to see the new Trek movies and that makes your asthma act up. We not so real fans, like the opposite sex and enjoy that fact that our favorite movie franchise is now relevant. We cannot wait for the third movie of this reboot to be released and hope it is just as fun, flashy, and as disturbing to you “Real Fans” as the last two were. As a matter of a fact, we all hope it kills you, so the next generation of Trek fans can move forward with this franchise without you.

UhuraKirkKissRemember you idiots; Star Trek was the first show that had all races working together as equals. Star Trek showed the first interracial kiss on TV. This was unheard of in those days.  If the early generations of Trek creators thought the same as you did, (Let’s not try anything new, let’s stick with what has worked in the past) none of that would have happened. And the Star Trek that we have today and that I and many million others love so much, would not be the corner stone of the science fiction universe.

So in closing, I am a Star Trek fan and am proud to admit it. I may not wear the ears or know how the warp engines on the Enterprise work. But I enjoy the TV shows and movies just the same. I have a vote and a voice. My voice is telling you “Real Fans” of Star Trek to kiss my ass, sit down, shut the fuck up and watch the movie in silence…. Oh and try not to fart or puke on the girl sitting next to you… Trust me, shes is not happy to have to be near you either.

Thank you and enjoy the next Trek release in 2016 just in time for the 50th anniversary. Golly, it must be driving you “Real Fans” nuts knowing the movie for the 50th anniversary will be a reboot format…. That makes me smile.

News Flash – Hot Lard is Tasteless

hot-lard-xmas2Oh hey there… Just give me one minute. I’m working my hand down the back of my pants to determine if I just farted or if it is something more…… Whoa!!!! That is defiantly more than a fart.

(Chuckles with class)

My name is Ervin Shlopnick. (Smiles brightly, exposing his blindingly white teeth) I am the managing director of the management of directors to manage the manager’s direction to which the directors manage.

Here at Hot Lard our dignified readers are the most important thing to us. The staff here tries very hard to bring you (Our wonderful readers) (Smiles again) the most interesting, thought provoking, social commentaries of the day. We will span the globe to find the complete story and…… Hold on one moment, I’m being summoned by one of our many bright and promising interns…….

(Walks off)

ES: “What the fuck you want now Skank Ho 456?!?!?!!?!?”

SH456: “Ummmmm sir…. Please do not whip me again. But I really, really need to do my dialysis session today.”

ES: “What have I told you about those voodoo witchdoctor cures, Skank Ho 456? They only want your money. Just keep drinking the bourbon I gave you and skip around the office topless and you’ll be fine.”

SH456: “But sir….. My eyes are turning yellow.”

ES: “HUH…HUH…HUH…. That’s very interesting and I don’t care. Now get back to work with the rest of the livestock…. Errrrrrrrrrr…. I mean your co-workers. You don’t want me to shave off all your hair again, do you?”

(Saunters back up to the podium)

Sorry about that, had to tend to a personal issue of a staff member. But of course, my staff comes first. If any of them ever have a problem, they know I am always there to help. Or is it punish…. No… No… I think I help……………………..by punishing.

I remember just the other day the midget hookers we keep locked up out back, had just run out of the car batteries and jumper cables they use to motivate the staff. Normally I insist that the different divisions here keep a running count of the supplies they need for daily business. And that essentials like, Bull Whips, Ball Gags, Testicular Clamps, & Blueberry Muffins are constantly kept in stock. When we run out of the essentials it affects everyone.  Because now we have to use the staff’s children in a sort of Hunger Games to kill each other off to decide who gets to keep the remaining supplies. This process is long and bloody, not to mention really, Really, REALLY fun to watch. But in the end, it distracts us from our goal of getting you (Our beloved readers) (Smiles Brightly) the stories of hope and enlightened you so enjoy.

As a leader, it is my job to get this information train called Hot Lard, back on track and chug-a-chug-chuggy down the line. I can do this by example or using profound and bossy words.  But normally I’ll go into the division the problem is stemming from and kill the biggest and strongest member of the group to prove my dominance over the rest of the herd. Then make them all wear garbage bags as dresses and force them to learn French.

(Places foot on stool and rest his arms on knee)  

And that brings me to the point I’ve taken waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long to get to.

You may not know this… But Hot Lard is… well… it’s Tasteless.

I know…I know… You are now shaking your head in disbelief and waving your fist angrily towards the sky cursing your god at this revelation. You’re thinking it cannot possibly be true. Hot Lard is many things… But Tasteless is not one of them.

Well, kiddos… I don’t want to break your sweet little hearts, but I’m afraid it is.

How do I know this you ask???

Well you see, a friend of mine was trying to log onto Hot Lard today from his computer at work.  And instead of being blessed with the wisdom and wealth of this Site of Gods (Angry Gods.)

 He saw this instead…

Tasteless2

Yes, that’s right my friends. Hot lard is being blocked by his company.

And of all the reasons to block a site from being viewed, what is the excuse they give their employees?

Tasteless

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Yes, that’s right my little scooters, in the eyes of this Fortune 500 company, Hot Lard is not… Pornographic …. It is not a Social Network…. It is not a terrorist cell site…. No…. We are just one simple word…. Tasteless.

In Spanish we are….. Insipid

In Arabic we are….  مسيخ, لا طعم له, تفه, عديم الذوق, عديم النكهة, سيئ الطعم

In French we are…. Fade

In German we are…. Geschmacklos

But no matter what language you use, it all comes down to one single unmistakable truth. My site pissed off some IT Nazi so fucking much that they had to make up a new category to ban it with.

GOD DAMN RIGHT!!! YEEEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!

The real funny part of all this is that the company that blocked Hot Lard,  is one I use to work at. Hot Lard was born on their computers. Its posts were written and loaded through their network and servers. I and the other staff members used to laugh our asses off writing this stuff in our work cubicles…. and now it is blocked.

And for that I say, Thank you…. I am truly honored. From this day forth, Hot Lard will be known as the Tasteless wed site of the Internet…… and we have the fucking evidence to prove it!!!!

So screw you and your Freshly Pressed awards, and fuck you and your Happy Grandma, Smiling Kitty Cat awards… And double fuck all of you who are getting book deals and advertising.

I have beaten you all!!!

Because… I HAVE BEEN BLOCKED FROM A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY FOR BEING TASTELESS!!!!!

When you can say you have done that, then come and fucking talk to me.

Till then, check out these truly tasteless gif files and pictures I had no idea where else I was going to use them at.

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cake

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Thank you all for being tasteless right along with me. Without you, I’d probably sleep better at night and not need half the medication I take today.

Yours Truly

Ervin Sholpnick

CEO & President of Tasteless

Great Moments in Engineering – North Korea’s First Smart Phone

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Here we can see the “Great Leader” admiring the latest achievement of the Republic of North Korea. The first North Korean built smart phone. Comparable (But yet much Oregon_trailsuperior) to the Apple IPhone and Galaxy GS4; this 10th wonder of the world offers such features as a monochrome screen, 8 bit video graphics, & 1.47 Meg floppy disk port for storage and game playing. Plus, “always on” citizens monitoring and detaining functionality. This phone also offers in country only calling and 46 different Great Leader screensavers. One of the biggest features is the one button dialing. You simply press the one button on the phone and the highly technical North Korean call routing system will request some information from you and get you to the correct party.telephone-operators  Amazing…Just amazing.

This technical wizardry was taken from concept to working product in only 17.4 years. The North Koreans are also boasting that the first year’s quota of 13 phones has already been met. We can see in the picture, the Great Leader inspecting his new phone before he executes the work force. You can also see the Great Leader’s official cocaine measurer sitting at the ready on the end of the table; ever vigilant to lay out a line, whenever his Excellency needs a bump.coke

We here in the western world should now be trembling that the North Korean’s are only some 26 years behind us in technology. Before long, they may have things like… cable TV, Swatches, Furby’s, penicillin & food. swatch-lacquered-collection-20124-furby

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Ooooooooohhhhhhh, the thought of it chills me to the bone.

AAUGH!!!!!

Charliebrown-1-I just %!#$! broke the 4 gig USB jump drive that I kept all the photos, gif files, and drafts of the posts I was going to do this weekend. The tags for this post will give you a good idea how I feel right now.