Sorry for the lack of Posts….

I want to apologized for the lack of posts recently. I have some perfectly reasonable excuses on why I have not been posting….

I’ve been very busy taking my dog to raves…

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and it is impossible for me to create posts until the drugs wear off.

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Because everything just feels wrong in the universe until they do…

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Plus my wife showed me her new outfit and I don’t think she was happy with my reaction…

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This is a peanut…

kvwFBOTThe aliens have landed, but I’m not sure what they want from us….

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I think my car is trying to eat me….

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Or maybe I’m just crazy….

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So while you wait for me to return…. Here is some Muppet porn to watch.  2DraDDw

Finding the Person(s) Behind the Dot – A new dot has been unearthed

Hello Hot Lard loyal readers…. and those of you forced to read us as part of your community service.  Hey, if you’re going to do the crime, you have to be ready to do the time. And reading Hot Lard is defiantly hard time.

andyWe have unearthed a new dot on the readers map. The site is called Andy Kaufman’s Kavalkade (Didn’t Andy Kaufman play Jim Carrey in a movie about his life?)  and it is located in the great city of Fresno, California. Ahhhhh Fresno, the home of the……. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

What the fuck is in Fresno???? Really… What the hell is in Fresno????

Do people actually live there, or is it a penance you have to pay for doing something really bad in a former life. Maybe it’s sort of like a secrete draft, where people are picked in a lottery and told they have to spend the next several years in Fresno. Do we need to feel sorry for them, or treat them like criminals, because they got what they deserve?

Actually I’ve never been there, so I don’t really know anything about the place. That in turn makes it very easy for me to make fun of it. Nothing like striking out blindly at things you don’t know or understand.

One thing I do know though is that Andy Kaufman’s Kavalkade is spelled incorrectly, (At least my spell check thinks so) but they have a lot of really great stuff on their site. To start they have a staff of 18 writers that offer everything from Poetry to Politics. There is music and art and an intelligence in writing that I could only dream of achieving.  Their site is an example of what I’d love to see Hot Lard become some day….. Only with more penis and fart jokes that is.

To see their location on the Hot Lard readers map, plus a link to their site, just go to the Readers Map page. It’s the tab at the top of the page….

No, the top of the page…….

Look up….

No, you are looking left….

Up is towards the sky….

No, that is grass….

The sky is the blue stuff…..

Or brown if you live in Pittsburgh…..

Now you got it!!!

Just click on the tab and it will take you to the page with the map….

I….

I said click on the tab….

No, you are hitting your crotch….

I give up.

THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!

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OK Hot Lard readers I have something important to tell you, so sit down and shut the hell up.

In my absence we are going to have a guest author filling in. Shana Rae of Network Rae has graciously accepted an invitation (A royal invitation) to be an author on Hot Lard.

Now before I turn her loose on the lot of you. I have a few things I need to let you know…. AND a few rules to go over with you.

monty-pythons-flying-circus-john-cleeses-personal-best-20060412034952302First, Shana is from the UK, so she will most likely interject a certain class and sophistication to this site that a lot of you are not used to or ready for.

Most likely, she will use things like….. Words… and Punctuation…. and Correct Grammar. These are things that I have never found to be very import for a Blog, but I hear the British do.

So as you read along with one of her posts, please do not let your head explode…. It makes a real mess that’s hard to clean up.

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mericaAlso there may be some cultural differences. Most of my readers are from the states, so you are interested in things like…. Monster Trucks…. Explosions…. Double Bacon Cheeseburgers…. You know, the important stuff.

The British on the other hand, are a more refine and civil culture. They are more into…. The Fine Arts….. Global Economics…. and really Really REALLY big Ferris Wheels. You may also read some words that make no sense to you. That is because the British speak another language. Don’t be surprises to read such things like… “Whilst”… or “Tea Time”…. or even “Ni” (I really like Ni). And whatever you do, do not say anything bad about the Queen. The rock band, not the monarchy. I really like the music of Queen and I will not have them bad mouthed here. However, if she starts to talk about One Direct, I give you all permission to attack.

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A little culture and class may do you all good. It’s about time that my readers see what else the world has to offer. Who knows, you may all embrace these new things, rather than your normal first instinct of killing it with fire.

OK, now for the rules!!!!

We will all behave in Shana’s presents. I have given her the same permissions I have, so that means she can come to your homes and shave your hair off if you act up.

im_off_to_do_british_things_pinback_buttons-rf8874d46c4a14dfdaf9bfdea65e599db_x7j12_8byvr_512Elizabeth… Shana knows you like to use fake names, so just stick to your real one.

Cat, please take a grapefruit off your head and sit in your chair,

Buffalo Tom, keep your pants on. We all know you are a male cat, we do not need proof.

Steve, no she does not want to play doctor.

Sloth……… ummmmm..Well, just don’t bite this one, please.

And the rest of you mind your manners also. I’m not far away and if I hear you have been out of line, I will turn the car around and no visit to gramma’s house.

I know you will all enjoy Shana in my absence. Please make her feel welcome. Shana, have fun. As I have already told you, there are no rules. Write about whatever you want (Except One Direct) and if the readers start getting that “Deer in the head lights” look to them,  just stick words like, Butt, Fart, & Poopypants into the post and they will snap right out of it.

Enjoy!!!

Finding the person behind the dot – A second dot from overseas

A new dot has stepped forward to be claimed as a person. Shana Rae is the author of the much coveted Network Rae. Shana is from the UK, so I guess it is appropriate for me to say….“Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie.” (chuckles with class) I’m so worldly, I know.

Being this blog is from the UK, I’m sure you are thinking it is all about, knights of the round table, Princess Diana flat wear, and tea & strumpets…. BUT YOU’D BE WRONG!!!!! Damn, what a bunch stereotypically, bad people your are….  It’s about hating the French, Saucy Bangers, soccer hooliganism, and bad teeth.  Sorry Shana, not all people are as open minded as I am.

Actually this blog is about all sorts of things… Including, Dr Who, weird trumpet noises, a hatred of Facebook, and tinfoil hats.  I haven’t been stalking Shana for very long. But I knew after an interesting comment exchange we had, I could see us taking long walks on the beach, admiring the sunset, going to exotic places to meet interesting people and killing them.

Comment exchange found in Hot Lard Readers page

Shana Rae says

I’ve got my tinfoil hat on, you’ll never find me now!

Ervin Sholpnick says:

Shana… (Place Darth Vader breathing sound effect here)
Come to the dark side….. Give me your location and we shall rule the universe together!!!
Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father…….
I… (Spoiler Alert)
I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!

Shana Rae says:

*Peeks out from under her tinfoil hat* You haz cookies? I’ll come to the darkside for cookies…

…Daddy?? *faints*

Ervin Sholpnick says:

Yah, Yah, Yah, you can have a cookie… just don’t tell your mother.
Now take off the damn hat and reveal the location of the rebel base…. (storms out of room to recharge his asthma helmet.)

Shana Rae says:

*Takes the cookie* Alright I shall reveal all…it’s situated in *cough, splutter, she chokes on the cookie before the location can be revealed*

Ervin Sholpnick says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(Crushes the room around him with the force)

Next shot we see Vader standing on the bridge of his ship looking out at an unfinished Death Star…. Then turns on the space windshield wipers, only to find it was just a big space bug’s guts splatter on the windshield….. He then looks out into the darkness to a realization that he is alone….. so very alone.

fade to black

Fin

After that I knew she would fit right in with the Hot Lard crowd. I also notified the local authorities to lock her in a padded room for the general public’s safety. Shana, they will find you, so stop hiding!!!

When you get a chance, please check out Shana’s blog. I guarantee you’ll get a good laugh. Plus the number hits she gets, will determine if she is let out of the asylum or not.

Once again, if you would like to be added to the map, please leave me your location in a comment. I do already know where many of you are located (Thanks to the Death Ray Satellite). But I will not assume you want to be mentioned. I will only do it, if you tell me it is OK.

Click to enlarge map

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Finding the person behind the dot – A new dot has been claimed

This time we have a new dot and a new page for Hot Lard.

First the dot…

Steve Kallio is the author of The not really news blog. As you can tell from the title, this is a cooking blog. Steve has a cannibal chili recipe to die for….

Actually, if you want to get your news and health tips, this is where you need to go.  I have been made aware of many very important & worldly matters through this site, such as……

Six clawed mutant lobsters

Beast caught in the Shampoo isle

Soccer teams and animal sacrifices

Zombie Pigeons

You can see why I’d like this blog. He also has medical personnel on staff that gives out excellent medical advice.  Did you know that bourbon will cure Herpes? Ummmm, OK, Dr. Steve did not tell me that… It’s just common knowledge.

He also has this fetish with Pheasants… But hey, who am I to judge!?!?!?

Steve resides in the great North West and has asked that I use the Hot Lard Super Secrete Death Ray Satellite to destroy the town just north of him.  Well Steve, I’m nothing if not complaint… OK nameless town and towns people, kiss your asses goodbye!!!

Click on map to enlarge

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Also, I’d like to point out that I have added a new page to the site. It’s called the Hot Lard Readers page and it will prominently display the most current map along with links to those of you that have been generous enough to give me a location. Just a little thank you for playing along. If you want to be added to the map, just leave a comment on the Hot Lard Readers page and I’ll get you put on and give a little shout out for your page.

Huh, what’s that???? How does this differ from the Blogroll every wed site on WordPress has?????

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…… FUCK YOU, that’s how!! With mine, if you forget where you live, you can look at the map and find your dot. That little yellow dot may just save your life some day…..  Or maybe not… Shit, I was really bad at geography in school, and for all I know I could be placing you all in Pakistan.

Thanks again

Ervin

Finding the person behind the dot – Another Update, the dots keep rolling in.

We have a few new dots to identify on the Hot Lard Readers map.

Fist off, thank you to cat9984 the author of Adventures in Cheeseland: Working in a Big Box. Please click the link to visit Cat’s page.  Cat is out of central Michigan. That is Big Ten country, so that is a good thing. Especially now that Michigan beat Notre Dame. Cat wanted to give us some more information, but apparently the witness relocation program does not allow that. So we’ll just have to go with central Michigan for now…. Until the Hot Lard secrete death ray satellite can find Cat’s true location. I like to go to Cat’s site when I want to feel…… normal. It’s hard for me to categorize Cat’s site. Other than saying it is just a good read on subjects like, family, vacation, shopping, humor, osmosis….. Oh and cheese, let’s not forget cheese.

Next is someone near and dear to my heart… or is that a tumor? Well anywho, give it up for Buffalo Tom Peabody. Tom is an amazing person that does really neat things with a cat……..  I see that look on your face and no, it is not like that donkey show you saw in Tijuana. Tom is the cat and does all sorts of really neat and wonderful things. I get a good laugh every time I go to his site. Just a word of warning, Tom is blind, so you will have to speak up when you talk to him. He tells me I don’t have to shout, but I’m sure it’s because he is just trying to be polite. But I yell anyway, because that is the type of kind hearted person I am. ISN’T THAT RIGHT TOM!!!  I…….SAID……ISN’T…….THAT….RIGHT?!?!?!?! Oh and click here to see a very special post of his… Check out the really cool T-shirt.

And finally there is Elizabeth Melton Parsons  If that is your real name!!! I mean come on!!!! I believe cat9984 and Buffalo Tom Peabody could be real people…. But Elizabeth Melton Parsons… that has FAKE NAME written all over it. I guess some people just don’t want to show their true selves… sigh. Well anyway “E L Z A B E T H” or what ever…. I love to go to your site when I want to see how beautiful the world can be. She does things with a camera that are truly amazing….. Again, get your mind off of that show you saw in Tijuana!!! GEESH! If you want to sit back and go, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… the world is good”. Go to her site and look at her pictures. They will truly amaze. Except the bug photos… those are creepy and need to be killed with fire.

Updated Map – Click on it to enlarge

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For the rest of you, if you would like to be added to the map, please leave a comment with your general location, GPS tracking number, blood sample, favorite color, & shirt size. If you refuse to submit and give me your location, I’ll train the Hot Lard secrete death ray satellite on you and take you out…. I know what you are saying now, “But Ervin, if you don’t know where we are, how can you take us out?”… That is a good question and I really have not worked out all the finer details of that quite yet. But I figured if I just go for the scorched earth thing, I’ll eventually hit you or someone you care about… BUH WA  HA HA HA  (that’s my evil laugh)

Oh, one last thing Elizabeth (Or whoever you really are) the satellite is trained on you right now… Give me your real name or I’ll….. ummm… learn… what… all these… buttons… do… and push the one that gets you!!!. (Repeat evil laugh here)

Finding the person behind the dot – Update, a new dot has been identified

We have an update for the Hot Lard Readers map. A new dot has been identified. Thank you Sloth (An old time visitor of Hot Lard) has claimed the dot in San Antonio, Texas.

readersI’ve also included the location of the secrete undersea headquarters of Hot Lard.

Please join in, so I can fill out the map and know where I can stalk……………….errrrrrrrrrr I mean, know where you are all from.

Thanks again Sloth!!!