Hot Lard Flashback – A Pony for my Daughters Birthday

Here is another post I did back in the 2007 – 2008 time frame. I’m particularly proud of this one, because I posted it on Yahoo Answers and asked folks if I did the right thing getting my daughter a pony for her birthday. After reading it…. AND TAKING IT SERIOUSLY!!! People went ape shit with their replies. The one I picked as the “Best Answer” was classic, and reaffirmed my belief that you did not need the be a member of MENSA to give advise on Yahoo Answers.  I wish I could show you the responses I got on Yahoo, but…. my account sort of got suspended shortly after that.6ku1oye2 I logged on to Yahoo Answers this last weekend and my account is still suspended…. Some 5 years later.

Click here to be taken to the 2009 reposting of this wonderfully heart warming story of a man and his quest to get his daughter the one thing that she wanted most for her birthday

… Oh and there’s a mention of cream corn wrestling in it also, I think.

Enjoy

Should I…

Along with asking myself “What If” I will also ask, “Should I”  questions from time to time. Such as…

Should I continue my education?

Should I lean another language?

Should I tell that girl I share an elevator every morning with, that I want to motorboat her sweater cows more than anything else in the world?

I believe asking ourselves questions like that, helps us to better ourselves.

Here are a few more “Should I” questions I have….

Should I become an art class model?

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Should I start dating again? Of course this is something that would really piss off my wife.

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Should I become a super hero?

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Should I start working on some of those home repair projects I have been putting off?

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Should I tell my buddy how I really feel when he says he enjoys watching Twilight with his girlfriend?

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Should I join the Mexican Army?

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Should I take up mountain biking?

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Should I learn more about science?

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Should I go for a hike?

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Should I spend more time at the beach?

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Should I teach a young boy how to ride a bike?

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Should I believe in ghosts?

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Should I buy a Corvette?

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Should I get that awesome paint job on my van I’ve always wanted?

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There are so many things I have left to do with my life.

Hot Lard Movie Review – Sharknado

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I know I am a little behind the curve on this one. But last night I had the pleasure of watching Sharknado for the first time and had to take a few minutes to put down my thoughts on this cinematic masterpiece.
I must admit that I went into this movie with high expectations. Not because it was to be a really good movie. But I knew it was really bad. I had read the reviews, heard about it on radio & TV and the general consensus was that this movie was so bad…. It was good.
I actually enjoy this type of movie. The one’s that didn’t make an enormous mark at the box-office or with critics, and in all reality are a bad movie. One of my most favorite movies of all time is “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. That is what I consider the golden standard of movies that are so bad, they are good.   Below is a guilty pleasure list of some (Not all) of the bad movies that I tend to enjoy to view.

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Dumb & Dumber (A True Masterpiece)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (The Gold Standard!!!)
Battleship
Star Trek the Motion Picture
Night of the Lepus
The Giant Claw
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Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Mannequin
Troll 2
Flash Gordon
Idle Hands
Reefer Madness
Anaconda

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But unknown to many, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes had a squeal, that was equally bad… but not so bad it was good. And that is where I unfortunately have to place Sharknado.

Now let’s move to last night’s offering. Sharknado is in all counts a very, very bad movie. Bad on the level that makes its viewers angry to the point that they should pick up torches and pitch forks. Form an angry mob and march down to the offices of the SYFY network and demand a sacrifice of the executive staff that agreed to release this atrocity on the unknowing public. This movie was so bad, that I am sorry and very disappointed to admit that it will never make the list of the bad movies that are so bad they are good.

The reason I had such a negative reaction for this movie, is the fact that it didn’t even try to be good. Most bad movies at least try to be good. Even Plan 9 from Outer Space tried (albeit feebly) to be good.
Sharknado knew it was bad from the start and went downhill from there. The bad seemed to ooze from this movie, making it very hard to watch. They did not try at all to make you believe this was at all a dire situation. Let me explain…
As we see at the start of the movie, there is a hurricane moving towards the shore of California.  A hurricane… If I’m not mistaken, is some pretty bad shit. Buuuuut that does not seem to put a damper on the shore side amusement park and drinking crowd. Yes, that is correct, as Hurricane… ummmmm I don’t remember the name of the storm… But this hurricane is bearing down on the cost. The Bar…. THE SHORE SIDE BAR is still very full a patrons, playing pool, drink beer, and generally commiserating.

AND THEN LOW AND BEHOLD…

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This surprise storm (That everybody knew was coming) attacks the shore and its people with no provocation at all. It is hell bent on flooding the streets and filling them with sharks to eat all the drinking and pool playing people. So our heroes finally decide that maybe its time to close the bar and move to higher ground…… And what better place to go but Beverly Hills. They end up in the mansion of the ex-wife of main hero Mr. 90210. The ex-wife is played by none other than Terra Reed, who is a real treat in this movie. But I’ll get to that more in a bit.

Suddenly the mansion is full of water & sharks, so they have to get out quick. And it appears that on the outside of the house there is less water than there is inside of it. Again… Inside of the house, enough water for 3000 lbs sharks to swim… Outside, just puddles so you can drive your car.

We next find our hero (Mr. 90210) trying to save a bunch of kids stranded in a school bus that is slowly being overcome by water and sharks…. Some very clever camera angles were used to make sure we never see below the windows of the bus. Until the CG of the water and sharks could kick in that is. But you will notice that in the back ground of some of the shots, there appears to be normal traffic. No water, no sharks, no sign of people trying to get away from the storm that has reeked so much havoc on this city. Nope, none of that. Just normal folk driving around with no clue of the disasters that occurred and the heroism that was being performed just yards away from them. Well, they rescue all the kids, but the bus driver does die…. As if none of us saw that coming.

By this point I was on my fourth glass of wine and things started to get fuzzy. I vaguely remember our heroes making it to a liquor store. Then find the funds to buy a $50,000  vehicle when theirs goes belly up. Surviving a Sharknado at the airport that destroys every plane there……. Except one single helicopter. I believe this helo was used by the son of Mr. 90210 and the waitress that has a thing for Mr.90210 to throw bombs into the Sharknados to stop them…… Because a bar waitress is knowledgeable in these things I guess. And let me ask… where was the US government, city, and weather officials during this whole thing. Do we as a nation have to depend on bar patrons that don’t know enough to get out of a shore side bar before the hurricane hits to save us all?

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Let’s see… then the helo gets attacked by sharks and the professional bomb throwing into Sharknados waitress falls out of the helo and into the waiting mouth of a flying Great White. This is the only point of the movie I showed any emotion. It saddened me that the waitress and her boobies had died……. Or did they??????
In the final Cou-de-gra, Mr. 90210 saves his daughter by jumping into a flying Great White with a chain saw. I think you can actually hear the “Gulp” sound come from the shark as he swallows Mr. 90210. Everyone is sad as they look upon the shark as it lays there digesting Mr. 90210.

BUT THEN…….!

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Mr. 90210 chainsaws himself out of his tomb….. Plus he also rescues the waitress love interest. I guess he had enough wherewithal to watch out for any others that may have been inside the shark’s tummy as he jumped into it with a running chain saw. Apparently he missed the waitress altogether and was able to pull her out of the shark along with himself. Everyone smiles… The movie ends, and I died a little bit inside.???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way one of those art house movie critics that believes the only good movies are ones with gay cowboys eating pudding. I love cheesy movies! I normally enjoy the Saturday SYFY cheesy movie.  I believe a good movie should have at least one explosion in it every 24.68 minutes. (Oh yeah, that is how they lost the first truck… It had a small gas leak that waiting until everyone could get out and then run…  No, I mean “jog” away from it before it CG explodes) But Sharknado is nothing but a bad, bad movie that offers nothing to anyone.

Now, let me reflect on some of the good of this movie… Terra Reid.

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And when I say “Good”, I am referring to how she makes me feel about the decisions I have made in my life as compared to hers. Terra Reid is a complete waist. In this movie you can see she wasn’t even trying. Not to say that any of the other actors should be renting a tux for the Oscars anytime soon. But you can plainly see she was only there for the meager paycheck she was earning, and probably the free drinks they promise her for just showing up. The best parts of the movie where when something would happen and there would be a 3 second cut to Terra’s face in hopes she was paying attention long enough to try and put an expression on it.  Most of the time the expressions you got were…

“Oh Hum”, Terra

“Oh shit, was that my que?” Terra

This is me acting…. REALLY!!

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“Golly, I wonder if the janitor has any more of that Cherry Yum Diddly, Ripple left?” Terra

There was a time when Terra’s acting skills did not need to be great, because she was something nice to look at…. But that time has passed and the executives of Sharknado must have learned that because she has been cut from Sharknado 2.

So to recap, Sharknado sucked… It is not one of those movies, that is so bad it is good. I am really pissed off that I wasted 2 hours of my Saturday night watching it….. And I will probably still watch Sharknado 2 when it is released.

(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib #10 (Midget Porn)

Back when Hot Lard was first started, I can remember one day I was looking through the site stats and happened across the “Search Terms” people used to find our site. Being new to the whole blogging thing, I was unsure how they worked. Someone on the staff was kind enough to let me know, that these terms are the actual words that actual people, actually typed into their computers to describe what they actually wanted to view on their monitors……  It was that day that I lost all faith in humanity.

As I went through the list, my head started to pound and few times I believe I may have lost conciseness. I felt dirty and lost the will to live. How could our world… My world, be filled with such sleaze & vermin. It all came crashing down on me when I realized that these sick and vile terms actually outnumbered the normal search terms such as…. Kitty… or Happy Happy Bunny Love…. Or Blue Berry Muffins made by a Nun.if7rxd

The one term that caught my eye immediately was “Midget Porn”. I remember thinking to myself, “How the hell did someone find this site with a search term of Midget Porn????” That is such a specific subject that I had not written any such post for. Plus we sure as hell did not display any midget porn…. At least I think we didn’t….  Anywho, how the hell did the Lord and Overseer of the Internet direct these runny nosed, mouth breathers that get off on height challenged individuals erotica to my little slice of heaven?

What was I to do? How could I fight this sickness and drive it away from our happy little world of Hot Lard?????? I had to fight this, I had to fight off these evil hairball goblins before they gave my site….MY WORK as bad name……..Or maybe…. I could go over to the dark side and play to their sickness to get mucho, mucho hits for my site. And that is exactly what I did. I created a character named “Midget Porn” who would star in Mad Lib posts that used these very search terms that the sick and mental deficient used to find this blog. How else do you think I got over a million hits?

And that is what I present to you today…. An all new Hot Lard Midget Porn Mad Lib. It has been a good 3 to 4 years since I last did one of these, so I was a little nervous that maybe after all this time, the search terms would not have the same “Shock & Awe” they once had. But humanity did not let me down. You are all still the same sick, Pedo-rific, panty sniffers we all fear and have restraining orders on.

How this works is, the BOLD words of love and joy are the ones you monkey spankers have come up with.  In other words, the BOLD words are the things you… YES YOU, wanted to see on the internet!!!!!

So, as you read through this and get digusted.  Just remember…. You sick fucks wrote this, not me!!!

The Return of Midget Porn

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Midget Porn and his friends were sitting around one day watching retard porn & nips slips in a 10 lb box of rape, when suddenly Corn Shits the naked hooker came running in with her lesbian sports girl carrying on about anal itching & Star Trek porn. She said that Dog Blowjob the evil female midget with animals was hunting down all the midget ass masters with her anal-intruder-2600 and putting them into lazy town porn.lego1rfdrl_th

Midget Porn knew he had to stop midgets farting with a finger in the ass before the sexy hot porn girl got an anal bottle rocket. To do this he enlisted the help of an ugly russian whore to tell anal sex stories to the hairy boobs clan of the smelly ass valley. Anal fat, the town super tard passed this information on to the slutty females of the sore ass tribe. They in turn drove their american motors car to see the midget guy in diapers to let him know of the impending butt sex fail.

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Once their forces had gathered, the tattoo of the year monkey cried out, “i fucked my daughter’s hot friend and now i want to fuck shawn Johnson”! A topless hilary duff was holding onto some hot Zelda porn and showed it to her topless sister. Some kissing hotties had trapped some gymnastic lesbians and forced them to blowjob “pamela anderson” with lard ass dudes.

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When it was all finished they sat down to watched flashing people videos and passed around olsen twins naked pictures that they found on http://www.pornoskat.com while sharing corn shits with the carpet munchers and the original care bears. They had finally solved the centuries old mystery, is there lard in dairy queen ice cream. What a better way to celebrate their great victor than with a midget happy birthday porn party and a bj in front of audience.

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The ass ravage End

Well, there you go… told you it was shocking. I’m sure we all just died a little bit inside. But as I said, I’m only letting you view what you had written. My hands are clean. Oh, BTW… To those of you that will do an internet search on www.pornoskat.com after reading this…  May God have mercy on your souls.

What If….

Now and then I tend to think of random “What if’s”… What if cows could talk? Would hamburgers be as appealing if we had to listen to cows plead for mercy as they were being slaughtered.  What if cats had a cream filled center? What if saying “Pull my finger” was a means for war?

Today I was wondering…..

What if buildings were alive? How would they react to being torn down?

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What if, Kermit the Frog was a vampire? Could he be trusted? Would he attack the cast of Twilight?… One could only hope.

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What if Michael Jackson liked Vodka and Midget Hookers?

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What if that glass wall at the zoo was not there?

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….or had a crack in it?

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What if the Devil was free to do his bidding? What evil would he unleash first?

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What if I fell in love with a My Little Pony?

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What if we could see farts?

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What if I started working out?

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What if I picked up an evil hitchhiker?

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What if I got my hands on that little girl next door that keeps sticking her tongue out at me?

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What if I were a Ninja?

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What if I were a Jedi? Would I use my powers for good, or go over to the Dark Side and mess with my cat all day?

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What if I were challenged to a dual today? Would this finally be the time I didn’t wet my pants?

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What if I had the moves like Jagger?

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What if I had some Macaroni & Cheese right now?  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

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