Just popped in to say “Hi”…. Oh, and here are a few other projects I’m working on

Hey all, just wanted to check in and let you know that the movie is going well.

OK, maybe not well… but it is going. Had some trouble with the local authorities. Apparently some people have issues with my film crew pillaging the small towns around here. Also, did you know that in some countries it is illegal to run through the streets wearing a pink tootoo and jelly donuts as a bra, exclaiming you are an angry God and demanding all the local virgins come to the town square for a SpaghettiO’s bath and spankings? Some places have no culture I guess.

I also want to take a moment to thank Shana for the great job she is doing. Because of her hard work, we are now a pay-per-view site. I figured I’d have to go back to showing barn yard porn again to charge for views… But apparently she knows away around that, and can make people pay for things other than porn.  Amazing what science can do these days.

Because of the great reception the Hot Lard movie is getting. I’d like to show you some other projects I have worked on or will be working on soon. I don’t want to brag, but I’m seeing an Oscar sitting in the Hot Lard women’s room trophy case in the near future.

KITTY WARRIOR

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Been Busy – Going to stay busy – Here is some shit to get you by…

I want to take a moment and apologize to my followers and the people I follow for not being diligent in reading your posts and getting back to your comments. I have been extremely busy the past few weeks with work and unfortunately, I will remain busy for the next couple of months. (Golly, it really sucks growing up)

I just wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten about you….. OK, some of you I do choose to forget, but the voices in my head keep reminding me of your existence and how important you all are to the master plan of world domination…. Errrr, I may have just said too much.

Anywho…

I wanted to ask you all to please be patient with me, I will get with you and your posts as much as I can, and will try to eek out a post here and there during this busy time.

In the meantime, here are a few observations to tide you over until I get back to blogging full time…

Enjoy…

If the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were told today, this is how I believe it would end.

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If the Harry Potter movies where made in the 80’s, how do you think they would have looked?

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It’s probably not a good idea to give a blowjob to a stranger at a Rave…

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Large people and water sports, don’t mix…

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qDIUrBefore any of you start to bitch and moan about this one. I am a large person, so it’s OK for me to say this. Plus I was politically correct and referred to these individuals as a “large person”….. But I have lost 60lbs in the last 6 months, and I plan on losing 60 more. After that I will be skinny & they will become “Fat Bastards”….. and it will probably be NOT OK for me to say that then…. Like that ever stopped me before.  

My coffee was really hot this morning…

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Everything is better in 3D!

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Nothing can compare to the awe and sheer beauty of witnessing a unicorn fart.

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Sometimes you just have to go with your gut and say, “Yeah, I can get into this car.”

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This is my lunch when I’m busy at work…

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Maybe I should try to multitask my lunch with other things….

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Or maybe it is just time to find a new career….

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But I really do love my job… I’m just not sure if it really loves me…

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If only we could just wish for what we truly desired….

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I’d wish for some Pizza Fries!!!

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One last thing to keep you entertained while I’m absent.

Click on the picture of the ghost and drag it around the screen… It makes it look like my site is haunted… That should keep you busy for hours. I know it has me!!!!

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Finding the person behind the dot – Another Update, the dots keep rolling in.

We have a few new dots to identify on the Hot Lard Readers map.

Fist off, thank you to cat9984 the author of Adventures in Cheeseland: Working in a Big Box. Please click the link to visit Cat’s page.  Cat is out of central Michigan. That is Big Ten country, so that is a good thing. Especially now that Michigan beat Notre Dame. Cat wanted to give us some more information, but apparently the witness relocation program does not allow that. So we’ll just have to go with central Michigan for now…. Until the Hot Lard secrete death ray satellite can find Cat’s true location. I like to go to Cat’s site when I want to feel…… normal. It’s hard for me to categorize Cat’s site. Other than saying it is just a good read on subjects like, family, vacation, shopping, humor, osmosis….. Oh and cheese, let’s not forget cheese.

Next is someone near and dear to my heart… or is that a tumor? Well anywho, give it up for Buffalo Tom Peabody. Tom is an amazing person that does really neat things with a cat……..  I see that look on your face and no, it is not like that donkey show you saw in Tijuana. Tom is the cat and does all sorts of really neat and wonderful things. I get a good laugh every time I go to his site. Just a word of warning, Tom is blind, so you will have to speak up when you talk to him. He tells me I don’t have to shout, but I’m sure it’s because he is just trying to be polite. But I yell anyway, because that is the type of kind hearted person I am. ISN’T THAT RIGHT TOM!!!  I…….SAID……ISN’T…….THAT….RIGHT?!?!?!?! Oh and click here to see a very special post of his… Check out the really cool T-shirt.

And finally there is Elizabeth Melton Parsons  If that is your real name!!! I mean come on!!!! I believe cat9984 and Buffalo Tom Peabody could be real people…. But Elizabeth Melton Parsons… that has FAKE NAME written all over it. I guess some people just don’t want to show their true selves… sigh. Well anyway “E L Z A B E T H” or what ever…. I love to go to your site when I want to see how beautiful the world can be. She does things with a camera that are truly amazing….. Again, get your mind off of that show you saw in Tijuana!!! GEESH! If you want to sit back and go, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… the world is good”. Go to her site and look at her pictures. They will truly amaze. Except the bug photos… those are creepy and need to be killed with fire.

Updated Map – Click on it to enlarge

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For the rest of you, if you would like to be added to the map, please leave a comment with your general location, GPS tracking number, blood sample, favorite color, & shirt size. If you refuse to submit and give me your location, I’ll train the Hot Lard secrete death ray satellite on you and take you out…. I know what you are saying now, “But Ervin, if you don’t know where we are, how can you take us out?”… That is a good question and I really have not worked out all the finer details of that quite yet. But I figured if I just go for the scorched earth thing, I’ll eventually hit you or someone you care about… BUH WA  HA HA HA  (that’s my evil laugh)

Oh, one last thing Elizabeth (Or whoever you really are) the satellite is trained on you right now… Give me your real name or I’ll….. ummm… learn… what… all these… buttons… do… and push the one that gets you!!!. (Repeat evil laugh here)

Finding the person behind the dot – Update, a new dot has been identified

We have an update for the Hot Lard Readers map. A new dot has been identified. Thank you Sloth (An old time visitor of Hot Lard) has claimed the dot in San Antonio, Texas.

readersI’ve also included the location of the secrete undersea headquarters of Hot Lard.

Please join in, so I can fill out the map and know where I can stalk……………….errrrrrrrrrr I mean, know where you are all from.

Thanks again Sloth!!!

A Message to the “Real Fans” of Star Trek

I just read that the supposed “Real Fans” of Star Trek, voted the latest movie release Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst movie of the franchise.

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Really…?

Ummmmm, who are these “Real Fans” and what qualifies you as one. I ask, because I have been a Trek fan since the original series. I think I officially became a “Trekker” during the Next Generation era. And I even gave the other offshoots, Deep Space Nine, Voyager & Enterprise a try. Can’t say I was a big fan of the last three series offerings, but I do let them stand on their own merit. I believe that one of the reasons the last three did not work as well, is because they were just more of the same thing. New stories, different crew, but still same the ole ho hum Star Trek viewings.

The same thing goes for the movies. I’m a big fan and have seen each and every one of them the first week of their release; had them all on VHS, Laser Disc, then DVD, and finally Blue Ray. But just like the series, the movies were starting to get tired. By the time Nemesis rolled around, watching it was like masturbating for the sixth time in a week to the same photo of Sarah Palin. It can be done, but you really have to work at it. I guess I was really tired of watching D list actors (With some exceptions of course -Sir Patrick Stewart) just read their lines to collect a paycheck. Nemesis bombed at the box office, breaking the even number streak of Star Trek movies and we all knew it was time for some fresh blood.

JJ AbramsIn 2009 the savior of the franchise came. The JJ Abrams release of Star Trek was exactly what this tired franchise needed. The movie was fast paced, action packed, had a good story that kept the audience into the movie, and got new viewers interested in Star Trek again. I personally love this movie and rank it right below Star Trek II as best of the franchise. Three years later Star Trek: Into Darkness was released and admittedly it is not as good as its 2009 predecessor. But it was still a good movie that I enjoyed a lot.  I can hardly wait to get it on Blue Ray on September 10th.

imagesSo it completely pisses me off when I hear that so called “Real Fans” of Star Trek are saying that the new movies are an abomination and should not be considered “REAL” Star Trek movies. I guess the “Real Fans” gathered last week and voted Star Trek: Into Darkness the worst of the franchise…… The worst……? Really?

OK, so called “Real Fans”, let me get this straight. You are saying that Into Darkness is worse than Star Trek: The Final Frontier…… Really? Final Frontier…. The movie that is considered by many people one of the worst movies of all time…. Not just worst of Star Trek movies…. BUT WORST OF ALL MOVIES!!!! This is the movie that we had to suffer through three old guys signing Row-row-row your boat and see a very old Uhura do a (Gulp) nude fan dance….. (Shudder). This movie was so bad, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time for taking me to see it… I heard she was never able to get over the break-up and ended her life in a very horrifying manner…. That almost makes up for taking me to that movie.

Oh and everyone that was responsible for unleashing the horror of Star Trek: Insurrection onto the unsuspecting public should be taken out to a public square and stoned to death. Then all their offspring should be killed just to prevent any of them from releasing any sort of movies themselves.

sheldom cooperAnd let’s talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture….. I’d like to tell you how it ends, but I’ve never been able to stay awake through the entire movie. It is God-awful boring!!! Even Sheldon Cooper says it is the worst Star Trek movie, and as we all know, Sheldon is never wrong.

dolls2So that brings me to what makes someone a “Real Fan” of Star Trek. I thought I was a real fan and figured I could be part of the movie vote. But after looking at the official “Real Fan” rule book I guess I was disqualified. First off, I’ve had sex…. With a girl…… A REAL GIRL! Sorry, but blow up dolls, Anime love pillows, and that girl you had naughty words with on the Trek Masturbaters Dating Chat Line does not count. You do realize that girl was really a 56 year old convicted sex offender truck driver with Psoriasis and anal warts Trek Datingdon’t you?

Plus I have children that are biologically mine. (Once again, that goes back to the having sex thing I guess). I have my own home, car and job….. Shoot, I guess that disqualifies me again. A “Real Fan” of Star Trek must live in the basement of his grandmother’s home, be unemployed, and cannot drive because they are too busy with important things like…….. ummmmmm….. Minecraft & WOW? Also the fact that I can talk to a girl without wetting my pants, keeps me out of the vote. And no that does not count the time that the girl in the elevator smiled at you. She was only smiling because your unwashed body odor was not making her eyes water that day. Plus all girls know that smiling at a “Real Fan” of Star Trek keeps them from having to talk to you. They know that a mere smile renders the “Real Fan” of Star Trek helpless to uncontrollable bowl movements. After a smile from the opposite sex you are using all your energy trying to keep last night’s hot pocket from decorating the back of your Pokémon underpants. So that1363437_orig prevents you from covering them with your rotting Mt Dew & Lunchables breath while trying to ask them to the Capt Kirk under the sea, sock hope. It’s true, it’s taught to them in Sex Ed at school. Lesson one: Avoiding the smelly geek who doesn’t know shit about what makes a good movie but will give his dumbass opinion anyway.

To be a “Real Fan” of Star Trek, you must like movies with special effects that are 20 years behind the times. They must consist of old (Past their prime) actors sitting around boardroom tables discussing the relevance to Duranioum 234 and speaking to Klingon tax adjusters in their own dialect. Did you see the fight seen between Riker and the bad guy that mind fucked Deanna Troi in Star Trek: Nemesis?   If not, go ahead and watch it now…. It’s OK, I’ll wait………………………………… All done? Looked like two senior citizens fighting over the last jar of prunes at the old folk’s home didn’t it.f58d2f12-921a-4bc8-829a-e217c7f7a773

Apparently that is what “Real Fans” of Star Trek prefer for their movies.

Well “Real Fans” of Star Trek let me make this clear from all of the “Non-Real Fans” of Star Trek…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Shut the fuck up and crawl back in your grandmother’s basement and masturbate to your Japanese anime porn. You do not speak for all of us. We like the new movies, we NEEDED the new movies. You are out of date morons that are angry because girls are now going to see the new Trek movies and that makes your asthma act up. We not so real fans, like the opposite sex and enjoy that fact that our favorite movie franchise is now relevant. We cannot wait for the third movie of this reboot to be released and hope it is just as fun, flashy, and as disturbing to you “Real Fans” as the last two were. As a matter of a fact, we all hope it kills you, so the next generation of Trek fans can move forward with this franchise without you.

UhuraKirkKissRemember you idiots; Star Trek was the first show that had all races working together as equals. Star Trek showed the first interracial kiss on TV. This was unheard of in those days.  If the early generations of Trek creators thought the same as you did, (Let’s not try anything new, let’s stick with what has worked in the past) none of that would have happened. And the Star Trek that we have today and that I and many million others love so much, would not be the corner stone of the science fiction universe.

So in closing, I am a Star Trek fan and am proud to admit it. I may not wear the ears or know how the warp engines on the Enterprise work. But I enjoy the TV shows and movies just the same. I have a vote and a voice. My voice is telling you “Real Fans” of Star Trek to kiss my ass, sit down, shut the fuck up and watch the movie in silence…. Oh and try not to fart or puke on the girl sitting next to you… Trust me, shes is not happy to have to be near you either.

Thank you and enjoy the next Trek release in 2016 just in time for the 50th anniversary. Golly, it must be driving you “Real Fans” nuts knowing the movie for the 50th anniversary will be a reboot format…. That makes me smile.

Hot Lard turns 6

Today, Hot Lard is six years old…

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Happy birthday to us…

Happy birthday to us…

Happy birthday to uuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssss….

Huh…. nobody else is singing….

Oh well, happy birthday Hot Lard. Other than the 2 years, 9 months, and 1 day… Or 1005 days…, or 143 weeks and 4 days…, or 24,120 hours…, or 1,447,200 minutes…, or 86,832,000 seconds we didn’t do anything. It has been a fun ride.

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