Today I Poop…

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Unlike most of you, (probably 38% to 95%) of you, I do not poop every day.  I do not poop once a week or even once a month. No, I only poop once a year, and today is the day.

You are probably asking yourself now, “Should I have the chicken or fish for dinner”?  Which has nothing to do with this subject and I ask that you start paying attention like the rest of us.  Pooping once a year has so many advantages over pooping every day. I know you pooping novice have no idea what I am talking about, so let me educate you.

(1.) The time I save – Pooping once a day takes up anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes of your daily routine. If you are a multi-daily pooper, you can double or triple that number. Adding that up over a lifetime you have wasted…  hmmm let’s see…. Add the 1… carry the 4…. Divide by banana… that comes to 76.29% of your life is spent on the toilet pooping.

 Whereas pooping only once a year takes up just 1 hour….. Actually it’s more like 10 minutes (Believe me), but I like to read and that is about how long it takes me to get through a Jughead comic.

 (B.) Stress of going poop – As a daily pooper, you are faced with daily poop stresses.  Should I poop at work? Can I hold it for the drive home?  What is this hole in the stall wall….? It says to stick my fingers through it…. OK, sounds simple…. OH LOOK! Someone just stuck their penis through.

But a yearly pooper doesn’t give a rat’s ass where they go. Trust me, after a year of no pooping, I’ll cop a squat in the oval office if need be…… Oh right, as if that is the worst thing that has ever happened there!?!?!?!?

(Bat Signal.) The Smell – Do you realize that you daily poopers have to smell your poop (And the poop of others) every time you sit down…. That is 76.29% of your life smelling poop.  What a horrible way to live a life.  It is so bad for you poor souls that the mention of any action reminds you of poop.  Try this…. What do you think of when I say, “I enjoy eating a double beef and bean burrito when I have diarrhea”. You think of pooping don’t you?  I knew it.

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Now, we yearly poopers don’t smell a thing…. The reason for this is that after a year of no pooping, the outflow is so violent, we barley stay conscious for more than 10 seconds of the process. By the time we are revived, the hazmat teams have already cleaned up the mess, or quarantined the building… block…. town… or state.

(blue.) Poopers Fatigue – Pooping daily gets tiring. I know; I used to do it. You have to drag yourself in there again & again. This may be the third time today you have done this and you already masturbated on the second go around, so there really isn’t anything for you to do now.  So eventually you just give in and hope that gravity will do its job.

But for us yearly poopers it is an invigorating experience. I feel so much better after I do it. My last poop, I lost 397 lbs. Tell me if that wouldn’t make you feel (And Look) great. Of course the children who witnessed it at the preschool I was forced to go at, will probably need therapy for the rest of their lives. But physiotherapists need work too, don’t they? Plus I’ve heard that the shock therapy treatments to make them forget the memory of their teacher losing her life to what must have looked  like an evil living mass of fecal matter hungry for human flesh, has worked very well for them.

Now, you are asking me, “Golly Ervin, how can we too only poop once a year”? I’d love to answer that question for you, but I am very hunger now and want to eat this Bean & Cheese & Bean & Cheese & Bean & Even More Cheese burrito. ……………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. GULP!

OK I’m back. Where were we…? Oh yes, my trip to Illinois. So I’m standing there with this hatchet in my hand, covered in the truck stop waitress’s blood and…. Huh? What? Ooooohhhh, you are the group I was talking about poop with…. Ummmmm, let’s not tell anyone about that Illinois thing, OK. I’m already wanted in 16 states; don’t need to completely lock out the Midwest for me.  Thanks!

Moving forward….

I am in the process of driving home to take my yearly poop in the privacy of my own bathroom.  There is nothing more tranquil and relaxing as unloading several hundred pounds of stored up recycled food in one’s own abode. Once I wake up from the coma, I’ll let you all know how I feel and show you pictures……… Of my weight lose….. Oh, you thought I was going to show pictures of…… Man you are one really weird group of people.  Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read about my poop.

One final observation…1jvsbn1

Do you realize that you daily poopers that spend 76.29% of your lives sitting on the toilet pooping , just spent another 10 minutes of your life reading a 921 word post about someone else’s bowel movement? You people are obsessed with this shit…. Get a life will yah… you disgust me.

2 thoughts on “Today I Poop…

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