Question: Do you know what the greatest thing about being sick is (besides not having to go to work)?
Answer: Knowing that your mouth looks like this:
Life truly becomes meaningless when you feel this bad. Even the mere thought of having the house to yourself so that you could
potentially play video games all damn day long doesn’t even sound appealing.
Simply getting out of bed to piss causes earthquakes and volcanoes to simultaneously erupt in spectacular fashion in your head.
When the phones rings, it’s bad enough … however, when your caller id says “FLORIDA” as the caller, you get extra-pissed that you even got out of bed to look to see who was bothering you.
Caller (Indian voice): Hi there, this is Nancy calling from Citi Credit … is <my name> there?
Me: Go fuck yourself and take me off your list.
Caller (still talking as I told her to go fuck herself): We have a fabulous offer for credit card users to transfer their higher interest rate cards to Citi … CLICK!
Vital necessities, such as water and bread, are impossible to squeeze past through raw throat. Swallowing is impossible. Yelling at the dog to shut the fuck up when the garbage men come is excruciatingly painful.
Having to take crap from coworkers who DIDN’T get the free flu shot at work is equally painful. Although, there is some sense of relief when you find out your ailment isn’t the flu, but it doesn’t help that it feels like the flu, only worse.