blstern Impostor Email Volume #7 (Dentist Visit)

The fake blstern is apparently having trouble with his teeth and so his dentist sent him me an email. Of course I had to respond to it.

Hi Blstern:

Dr. Solomon cut you a package deal at the time because he thought he would be doing your implants and your fixed bridge. I don’t do implants so I felt it was fine to let him do that work. When I was looking at your X-Rays I realized the only really good teeth left in your mouth were those that I have done fixed bridges or crowns on a decade ago or so. As your friend of over a half century I want to be the one responsible for your fixed bridge in the front so that I will feel confident that they will bury you with your own teeth. This in no way denigrates Dr. Solomon’s bridgework. He hasn’t been in the office long enough for me to know for sure about the quality of his bridgework. I have seen his implants and I was very impressed. The only thing I do know for sure is that I do incomparable bridgework.

I personally have more work than I can handle. I am not looking for another case. It is only for your sake that I am proposing to do the bridge. I have not intervened in any other case even when he is starting cases on patients that I have been working on for over a decade. I have spoken to Dr. Solomon about this. If you are able to pay cash for some of your case I can work it out with him that I do your bridge because in this way he will be compensated for the special deal he cut for you.

Most importantly I want to do what you want to do. If paying some cash is an imposition please let me know. If you are OK with him doing your fixed bridge as well as the implant please let me know that as well and I will stand down. Your next visit relates to the implant only so you have time to make your decision. I just wanted to give you a heads-up on this dynamic. You can e-mail me or we can talk on December 4th at your next visit although sometimes it is hard for me to get free.



Did his dentist really finish his email with “LOVE”? Well I had better reply in kind.

Dearest Sweet R,

Thank you for the email, but I’m afraid that you may have misunderstood what I needed. I did ask for you to look at a cavity but not the one that you are thinking of. I have some very serious rectal warts that are just killing me and I need someone to get in there and destroy those little bastards. I understand that your schooling is in Dentistry, but there really should not be that much difference between the two. We are only talk a distance of three feet south of where you normally work. You should be able to use all the same lingo that you normally do, like:

Open wide
I need to get my finger in there

Plus I’m sure my breath should be the same to what you are used to.
So what do you say, could you help out an old friend and fellow Skippy the Love Beaver club member?

I’d also like to talk to you about worshiping the moon god of blood and silly string. We could do this while you are working on my butt.

So how are you and the family? How are the kids? How many are you up to now? I know of:

Skirvy Joe
Billy Bob Mary Joe Clementine
Bug Face
Poops Alot
Milk Man’s Kid
Number #10
Open Soars

Did I miss any? Give them all my love and an extra pound of whale blubber for X-mas from me.

Well I must go now, I’m visiting the urinal cake museum today. And then I’m going to rout through garbage cans for our meal tonight. See yah then.

Love and kisses


I hope he can help me with my butt warts.

I just like saying that…  “B U T T W A R T S”.

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