Ervin Shlopnick Receives A Death Threat Email

Hey kids,

It appears that I have been marked for death. Never would have thought that it would have come via email, but with all the technology we have today, I guess it was inevitable.  I decided that I must reply to my killer and let him know how thrilled I was to be assassinated.  So as my last act of the living, I’m posting the email death threat I just received and the response I sent back. I hope you enjoy them 

The Death Threat

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Subject: You must read this immediately

“I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don’t comply. As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don’t have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that. Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information’s we needed about you”.

“So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since their findings shows that you are innocent. I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn’t tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you”.

“Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE?”

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“As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, $15,000 is all you need to spend You will first of all pay $8,000 then I will send a tape to you which i receded every discussion i hade with the person who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the tape, you will pay the remaining $7,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up”.

“WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW.REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD!

“I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY. DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 8:PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF MY DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION”.

“GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY”.

S

I must admit that I’m really touched that someone would go through all of this for little ole me.

My reply

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Subject: Would you like a succulent ham?

Dear Very Sorry For You,

 

Thank you so very much for this opportunity to live. Next to barnyard porn, living is my most favorite thing in life. I believe that without living, life would not hold much value. And for someone who has been hired to end my living, to give me a second chance to go on living…. You sir are a saint.

 

I must also say that I am flattered that someone out there has thought of me enough to want me dead. Wow, what a compliment! And to pay $15,000 to have someone they don’t know to kill a friend (me)…. Golly it brings a tear to my eye. You never really know how much you are loved until someone wants you dead.

 

It’s almost a shame that paying you will lay to waist someone’s long term planning at having me terminated. I mean they must want me dead for a good reason. And who am I to say that they are incorrect in their thinking. This person may be a much smarter person than I and knows what’s best for me. They may know that death for me is the best choice I could make at this point of my life. But I am unable (or unwilling) to see this and will not end my life on my own. So for my own good they have hired you to end my life for me, thus helping me out.

 

I guess the best plan of action then would be to allow you to kill me at your earliest convenience so that all parties involved can get on with their lives. So where and how would you like to do this? Do you want to come into my home and brutally beat me with a baseball bat? All I ask is that you don’t sodomize me with the bat before doing so. I’m not really into that sort of thing and that would take all the joy out of being beaten to death I think.

 

Hey, you could always come over to my house and we could discuss this. We could plan out my death to be a spectacle for all to see and remember for sometime to come. How about I have my wife put a succulent ham in the oven tonight and you show up about 7ish. That way she can meet the man that will soon make her a widow… Oh and you can meet my soon to be orphaned children too. Boy howdy this will be a swell ole time.

 

Until then, I’ll be counting the blood soaked moments until we meet.

 

XOXO

Ervin Shlopnick.

 

I am sitting at my PC smoking a cigarette and wearing a blindfold…

To be continued? 

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