The Mullet – All You Ever Wanted to Know

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DEFINITION

Mullet (mulit):
a hairstyle, common among those of lower socio socio-economic status, consisting of short, well groomed hair on the anterior area of the head and long, flowing locks on the posterior area of the head.

ANATOMY OF A MULLET

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CLASSIC MULLET

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This specimen is a clear demonstration of a classic mullet. Note how this mullet proudly displays his exotic plumage while in a menacing stance. Classic indeed. The mesh tank top, digital watch, silver chain, and molester mustache all add points to this fine specimen’s overall look and mulletude.

NOMENCLATURE

Mullet Synonyms: Drape Ape, Wisconsin Waterfall, Mississippi Mud Flap, Missouri Compromise, Louisiana Purchase, Neck Blanket

SUBSPECIES

CAMARO CUT

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The Camaro Mullet used to have full reign over the mullet brethren, but that was back in the 70’s and 80’s. This species has fallen from grace since, but can still be seen enjoying REO Speedwagon and Styx concerts, or up in the attic cooking up crank. Distinguishing features include: a molester mustache (peach fuzzy), tight tight-fitting acid wash jeans, and an ever present key ring hanging from the belt loop. Feel the mulletude emanating through your computer screen from this rare pic.

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Another fine specimen of the Camaro Cut.

CORVETTE CUT

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A variation of the Camaro Cut with circa 1977 frizz.

MINI-TRUCK MULLET

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Thought to be extinct in 1994, the Mini-truck mullet is a rare sighting indeed, usually too wily to be caught on camera. The Mini-truck mullet flap ends close to the bottom of the neck, sporting a more conservative look. The preferred attire of this species is Oakley Razorblade sunglasses, a turtleneck shirt with a gold cross and chain (hanging proudly), accompanied by tight fitting Guess? jeans.

The vehicle owned by the Mini-truck mullet almost always has a lame slogan airbrushed on the tailgate (“U Snooz, U Looz,” “Teal Dream” etc.) and a “No Fear,” “Fear This,” or a Calvin Pissing sticker.

BMX MULLET

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Among the longest of the subspecies. Quite frequently mistaken for ugly girls.

PORN MULLET

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Elegant blend of form and function.

FEMALES: A MAJOR MULLET MYSTERY

FEMMULLET

There are many varieties of the Femmullet. Despite popular belief, not all Femmullets are Lesmullets (pronounced “lay mule-lay”), however all Lesmullets are Femmullets.

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Here we see a Power Lesmullet.

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Business Femmullet

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Retail Femmullet (Also known as Wal-Mullet or K-Mullet)

SUBTYPES

MEXIMULLET (or MULLATINO)

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Notice the smooth, streamlined look with the absence of sideburns. Most mullatinos like to accessorize their mullets with snakeskin boots, large metal belt buckles, silk shirts (with rooster prints) and colored jeans.

PERMULLET

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A mullet that has been specially treated with a permanent. This primping of the mullet head’s plumage means that the subject takes great pride in his or her lifestyle.

The permullet tends to be a little less aggressive than his or her mullet counterparts; most likely because he or she doesn’t want to taint their mullet with the sweat that would be released in the process of kicking your ass.

VIRGINMULLET

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The Virginmullet is a fairly common find amongst the population. They are characterized by their flaccid mullets which can only grow to the bottom of their neck. Though researchers have hotly-debated the relationship between the length of the mullet and the length of the pecker, all agree that the mullet doesn’t pass the neck and the chances of this subspecies getting laid are slim.

Other factors that reduce the chances of an initial sexual encounter include:

  • “Molestaches” – the thin, unattractive moustaches often found on Virginmullets seeking the company of underage girls.
  • Faux gold chains worn with clingy tank tops.
  • Sunglasses — especially if purchased at a gas station and worn at night.

THE SKULLET

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The Skullet is growing in popularity across the country. Recent research has shown that Skullets are older men needing to compensate for upper dome hair loss by growing wild and wooly neck blankets.

THE VEGAS MINI-TRUCK MULLET

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A variety of the standard Mini-truck Mullet, this specimen was thought to be extinct in the early nineties, however this species seems to be making a comeback. Unsubstantiated sightings have been reported in Nebraska, Florida, and Tennessee. Reliable mullitia sources have concluded the migratory patterns of this particular species point to an undisclosed location in New Jersey location, possibly to return to their homeland (Wildwood is suspected, but more studies are needed for substantiation).

Vegas Mini-truck Mullet Summary and Statistics:

  • Extremely vocal and chatty.
  • Unlit cigarette constantly in hand provides an atmosphere of unUnlit uncertainty. certainty.
  • Typical sweater-over-sweater-over-turtleneck-tight blue jeans fashion sensibilities.
  • All appear to be clean and doused with fake Drakkar.
  • The ultimate irony – the loser “L” signal slipped in just as shot was taken … that sly devil.

CHILD ABUSE

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This type of parental negligence and intolerable cruelty is quite common among Mullets. Some states are in the process of passing laws to prevent the passing of mulletude onto future generations of innocent children.

Please write to your local Congressman today!

MULLET HOT SPOTS

  • Professional wrestling matches
  • County fairs
  • Monster truck rallies
  • Dog tracks

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