Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Twilight

Why do I immediately think of the Twilight movies when I see this?

Wallpapers to Annoy Your Boss

Today, the lawyerin’ monkeys that control us at the Hot Lard HQ said we could share a few our wallpapers that annoy them the most. You see, the monkeys prefer poo and fleas … those don’t make for very interesting conversation pieces when we get search warrants visits from the cops, checking-up on complaints from the neighbors about loud banjos and screams of penetration. Plus, the monkeys just jump and down furiously while vomiting the shit they just ate from their sister (yes, they’re ALL females … if you catch my drift … we wouldn’t have it any other way).

Jesus … anyway, here you go:

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Public Restrooms

I’ve been told that public restrooms are a breeding ground for germs.

That doesn’t seem right to me…

I believe that anyone should be allowed to breed in them.

Demotivational Posters #40

Ok, two things here….

First, it has been a very long time since I have created any demotivational posters, so I’m sure these suck like your whore of a wife. Of course your whore of a wife sucks pretty good… just ask your neighbors donkey. So we’ll just say that they suck like you…. Where you’d only do it if you were forced to and you’d probably be pretty bad at it.

Second, I’m not really sure if this is truly volume 40 of the poster series. But I’m being lazy and don’t really want to check the site the see what number the last one was, so I figured, “Fuck it” I’ll just say its number 40 and run with it. Besides, if I skipped a few volumes, later on I can use those numbers and say they are the “LOST VOLUMES” and charge a shit load of money for them.

Not to say that our live stock….errrrrrrrrrr I mean devoted readers are stupid and gullible. I just think that I’m that much more smarter than you and could get one over on yah.

Enjoy, you turds.

Ervin

O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Lindsay Lohan is pissed we have it, the real tape!

Hey all, I just wanted to let you know that we have the real deal and she’s not happy about it.  I got word from our team of monkeys over in our lawyerin’ department that we have received threats from her legal team that we must destroy all copies.

Until these threats materialize into a real order from a judge that doesn’t have a television show on FOX in the middle of the day, we’ll continue to leave the video available.

Enjoy!!

Mr Positive – 9/24/2010

Mr Positive says… “Rocks are harder than feathers because rocks are made from a rock like substance, where feathers are made from stuff that can make you fly. If I had to kill a cyclopes who has a runny nose and no pants… I’d go with the rock as my weapon of choice…… But would keep some feathers handy in case I had to fall back, fly away and fight another day”.