The Great Snake Battle of 2014

THE GREAT SNAKE BATTLE OF 2014
It’s not often I boast about my heroism. Yes, there have been many, many times that I have had to shirk the comforts and securities we take for granted every day, so I could come to the aid of someone who needed it. However, there is no statue of me in the town square, or songs sung by small children regaling my adventures and bravery.

That is until now…

Why is that you gasp? Well… Because last night, I showed heroism that can only be displays in old John Wayne movies. Yes, that’s right…. I battled and outwitted a baby snake. Not any baby snake mind you. But a baby snake so, cunning and ruthless, that is found its way into our house.

Around 9:30 last evening, I had just settled down from a long, hard, and epic day of Flow Automation Sales and Support to watch the manly football offering from ESPN. My daughter was in the front room on the stationary bike, trying to get in a few imaginary miles before turning in.

Now, I don’t claim to have a sixth sense. But a hush came over the football crowd on TV, and the wind had changed direction just enough for me to catch a whiff of something. It was faint but very distinct…. It was DANGER. With cat like reflexes I put down my bowl of popcorn and soda and skittered like a flash across the room so I could relieve myself. Yes, the danger was of me possibly wetting my pants from too much soda. I had no clue the snake thing was about to happen.

When I had settled down again to watch the football game, it happened. My daughter let out an ear piercing scream that could have woken the dead. “MOMMY, GET DOWN HERE NOW “she bellowed. My beautiful and equally heroic wife was upstairs getting our son to bed. She called down to her distressed daughter asking what the problem was. Kayla responded back with, “THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE FRONT ROOM”!!!

Without hesitation or any thought of my own safety, I immediately….. Paused the game. Because you can pause live TV with a DVR. Hey, my fantasy team needed points from this game!!! (And on a side note, my fantasy team ended up winning, so I guess it was a double victory for me, for truth, justice, and the American way)

Like a fireball of adrenaline and Geritol, I rushed to the front room only to be confronted by the Fangs of Death this Satan Viper possessed. This beast had only one thing on its mind… To serve its blood lust and to have my family for dinner. “Not tonight Mr. Spawn of Satan” I calmly said…. “Not tonight”.

The battle was fierce and epic. I was equipped with only my wit and nerves of steel. Plus a Nerf gun I picked up from the floor to scooch it away from the chest it was trying to get under. I knew that if it would have made it under that chest, I may have never seen my son again…. OK, it really hadn’t gotten my son, or even came close to him. But if it had gotten under there, it would have had time to plot its next move and that could have included taking my son.

My trusty spouse and trophy wife Donna, had bolted down the stairs and went out in the garage to collect my Excalibur from its trusty holding place, while I defended the lives of my family with my sons Nerf gun. Unfortunately the gun only had three Nerf Bullets in it, so I ran out of ammunition in no time (I’ll have to speak to my son about leaving his guns fully loaded) and had to rely strictly on my knife like reflexes to survive.

Once Donna return from the garage with Excalibur (Spade Shovel), I had my foe trapped against the front door. Now that he was cornered, he was using all his unearthly powers to try and strike at me and my family.

I believe you could hear angles singing as Donna heaved (in slow motion) the shovel to me. It glistened against the light of the room and shot out laser beams as it flew to me. In a single motion that only a man of my prowess could perform, I grabbed the shovel in mid-flight, whipped the Nerf gun back to Donna and brought the shovel down between me and my enemy just as it was going to strike.

The Satan Viper’s attack had been stopped, my children were still alive, and Donna had a pretty good size knot on her head from where the Nerf gun had hit her. I then quickly (and heroically) opened the front door and forced this brute outside to the unforgiving and treacherous wilds of Little Elm, Texas. “Come Hither Nicht More” I roared like an African Lion standing over a fresh kill. Then flung that bad boy as hard as I could into the darkness of the night.

As I shut the door and turned around, my family ran to me for a group embrace. My children looked up at be all doe eyed and said, “Thank you Father…. You have saved us all”. “It was nothing” I said, “That is what a father is supposed to do”. We then stood in a circle holding hands and sang 96 verses of Kumbaya.

The next morning as I walked out to my manly Mazda 6, to go to work. A small child ran up to me with a piece of paper in his hand. It was little Billy the mute boy from next door. Billy had not spoken a word for nearly 7 years. But he witnessed the battle that had raged on at our house and like some miracle, he spoke. He started to tell me how he saw the fight of the century and how he witnessed me not only saving my family, but also every family on the block from this 8 inch monster. He also started yammering on about his hamster and his favorite TV show and some other shit that I tuned out. The little fucker just wouldn’t shut up.

Anyway, he finally got around to showing me the piece of paper. It was a drawing he did of the battle that occurred the night before. Even though Billy was still a young child; I think he was able to truly capture the moment in art….. I have no clue who the black guy is in the picture… We’ll just call him Carl and leave it at that. You can see Little Billy’s drawing below. 10405588_1472353073047409_9152906137245868536_n

Well that’s it… That is my tale of the Great Snake Battle of 2014… I assure it is all true and happened exactly how I just explained it.

Farewell to Hot Lard

Shana stands quietly by her desk, wiping a tear from her eye she gathers her few belongings together and takes one last look around the office. The midgets, once stars of the epic Hot Lard porn movies now face an uncertain future, but are comforted by the fact that along with Shana, they have been booked for the christmas pantomime season, though they’re not sure what their roles will be…

Leaving a note for Ervin, wishing him all the best in his world domination plans, Shana leaves the building.