Dear China,
I am a business man who is interested in doing business with you. Of course I’m a business MAN. How could a woman be able to run a business when she is so busy with berthing babies and doing her husbands laundry?
What I would like to purpose to you is a can’t miss business transaction that will take all the problems you have had lately and put them in a good light. This little problem that you have had with lead paint in kids’ toys, poisonous dog food, faulty tires; tainted toothpaste and so on is purely the American public over reacting and the American Government just trying to bring you down.
Other than the 27 or so well documented studies on lead paint causing brain damage and respiratory problems in children. There is not one single solid piece of evidence that says it is causing any harm. If you ask me I don’t think there are enough wheezing retarded kids on the planet today anyway. With the retards they will play with the lead painted toys and it can’t hurt them any worse. Plus they will eat the dog food and not notice the difference. We sell more product to them. If we could only get the damn laws changed here in the states to allow them to drive, we could have the hat trick.
As far as the rest of this stuff… I hate dogs; I wear dentures and anyone who is stupid enough to use cheap ass Chinese tires should get in an accident. Don’t they know you only use rubber wheels on those cart thingies your dumber and uglier citizens are forced to pull other people around in?
Well anyway let’s get to business.
The first product I would like you to build for us is a series a action figures called, “The Lead Paint Gang”. Get it?!?!? Beings they have lead paint in their name it would have to be ok to use lead paint in them. Hell, we’ll even include a character called “Lead Paint Remover Sam” who’s job it is to remove lead paint from all the homes in Lead Paintville. So of course he will have to be covered in lead paint. It just fucking sells itself you stupid bastards. Here are a few other lead paint charters we are going to have.
- Connie, the wheezing school teacher.
- Johnny, the brain damaged paper boy.
- Sally, the wheel chair bound, wheezing Girl Scout.
- Frankie, the iron lung boy.
- Mindy, the brain damaged, wheezing, wheel chair bound, mental case that is also in an iron lung.
- Carl, the short breathed commie killing machine.
- Larry, the pedophile.
I would like to get started on this project right away, so we may have them in stores by Christmas… Do you heathens know what Christmas is?
As far as your so called tainted dog food. I would like to market that towards people that own very old dogs. We will call it. “Last Rights”. The name sells itself. If the dog eats it an lives, the owner gets to spend a few more days with their beloved pet. If it dies… Hey the fucker was old and should have been put down years ago. We saved the customer an $80 vet bill, everybody wins.
As far as your shitty tires. We’ll sell 90% of them to the poor who can not afford a good lawyer to sue us. Plus a poor mans car can never get up to speeds that can hurt you if your tires shreds apart. The other 10% we’ll sell to rich ass kids who consider them selves adrenaline junkies. We call the tires, “The Adventurer” With a slogan that states, “You will never know what will happen around the next corner” That way when one of your tires falls apart and sends an SUV skidding off the road decapitating a family of 5. We can say that the tire simply did what was advertise. Plus we use the fact that the family could not fit in the poor category, so they must have been a bunch of drunken rich bastards just out looking for a good time and whole country will hate them. Because that is what happens here in the states.
As far as the toothpaste… I don’t really give a fuck. Repackage the whole mess as frosting and we’ll sell it in Kentucky.
So you group of savages, let’s get to work. I will allow the extra .1 cent an hour raise for your live stock…. I mean employees to work none stop 7 days a week until the Christmas rush.
Looking forward to doing business with you.
Regards,
Harry S. Crotum
CEO,
Kill ‘em Young Enterprises.
Hot Lard 