Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond.

The Amish man shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”

Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”

The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand.  Please speak in English.”

The Amish man says: “Use two hands … you’ll get more.“

Photos you will never see on I Can Has Cheezburger Part #4

Once again here are a few more of those cute kitty and puppy photos with funny sayings that won’t quite make it on I Can Has Cheezburger.

Click on photo for better look

I should really update my PETA membership.

See our other not ready for prime time photos here

Choosing the right Pussy

It’s been a while since the good doctor has been in so I wanted to go in a different direction for my normal I’m better than you and you should know it posts.

Today I am looking to get my wife a present for Christmas, I ready know she wants a pussy.  But that begs the question; what pussy should I get her?  Should it be hairless, blond, brunette, zebra stripped etc?

Well through my shopping I have come down to these three:

Here are each for your individual viewing pleasure, please comment on the one you think my special corpse lady would like.

Dr. Tadjur

Creator of the home rectal wart itch removal system

Animals Do the Craziest Things

The Count of Flanders *, aka Butwheaty, has a thing for funny animal pics.

When I see this picture, all I can think of is Kool & the Gang‘s Jungle Boogie.

Poor Anna gets a first-hand feel of her new eye seeing helper.  Too bad Fido was taken directly from the Waffen-SS line of German Shepard’s.  I’m sure he’ll work out just fine in this new family.

This little guy looks a bit like the guy that can fold his lower lip over his nose.  You know the picture I’m talking about … the bitter beer guy.

* Regarding the introduction of the Count of Flanders and Butwheaty, that is how co-president of Hot Lard will refer to himself.  From now on, and this is the only exception, I will refer to myself in the third person. 

blstern Imposter e-mail Volume #5 (The Party)

Yet another case where the impostor blstern is living a better life than me. Now this bastard is getting invited to parties over in England. WTF is up with that?!?!? The email that was sent is quite short, there was and attachment that gave really good details of the location and particulars of the party.

But for legal reasons I have decided to leave that out of this post. You’ll just have to take my word for it. It was about a party… In England…. And it looked fucking great.

Dear All Please see attached for general sort of plan (ish) for June.
I hope you can all make it – no I do, really. Don’t worry about the cost of the meal, as long as you enjoy yourselves is reward enough. I will probably just have a pizza.

A

I’ve never been invited to a party in England before…. Now that I’ve thought about it, I haven’t been invited to a party period. But I better not let them know that. I’ll respond to this invite with the diligence and dignity I’m sure they expect in England.

A

I have few questions about your party. Your answers will help me to know what to pack.

Will there be clowns, I hope not! My pet cat Stinkers was molested by a evil clown named Humpy the Bobo. He is in jail now but the memory lingers and I’ll never be the same. (Not to mention Stinkers)

Will you have creamed corn dishes? I just love creamed corn, if you are not having anything with creamed corn I will bring my own.

Also will there be belly dancing? If so I will bring my outfit and records. I do this really cool creamed corn dance I’m sure you will all love.

Will cannibalism be looked down upon at this party? Just asking…

Will there be a sacrifice at midnight? If so, will that be midnight your time or GMT?

Does anyone know how to play the spoons? If so please uninvited them; my father was disemboweled by a freak spoons accident and it would be too horrific for me to have those memories resurface.

Can we bring people we don’t know to your country and just leave them there? That could be pretty funny!

How often will shots be fired into the crowd?

Is this one of those, “Must Wear Pants” type of parties?

Do I need to bring my own whipped cream?

How far back do your police records go in your country?

How many bodies could you fit in the trunk of an average British sedan?

Thanks for the info, looking forward to this party!!!

Big Hugs,

The Artist formerly know as blstern

Those Brits are a funny sort. They just don’t seem to get our sense of humor.

Dear blstern

I am some what worried with your last response. I may have to un-invite you.

Concerned

A

Oh no! I had better fix this… for the real blstern’s sake.

A,

If it weren’t for my corn flakes telling me to be nice to you, I wouldn’t even answer your…. Hold on a second………. My Lucky Charms told me to check your ID before responding.

WHO ARE YOU!!!

blstern

P.S.

But you can call me….. Tim?

There we go, that should set things straight.

Dear blstern,

Your current emails have taken a dark turn. Are you taking your medications.

U are scary.

A

I don’t think I’m scary….. Hmmmmmmmm

A,

The real scary part is that I’m answering your emails from inside your house……

blstern

The b stands for…………………… booby

hahaha you thought I was going to say blood didn’t you?

Maybe next time.

Still waiting for directions….

blstern Impostor e-mail Volume #4 (Buying a Car)

It appears that the other blstern is trying to buy a car; A Porsche to be exact.

Huh….

I only drive a piece of crap Ford. What a “show-off-ie” little fucker.
Well any way, the dealer sent me the e-mail below along with a list of options for the car. I looked them over and would say that he should go with the heated seats, 6 disc CD changer and optional blowjob crack whore. Man these cars offer everything!

Check out this photo of the options and then read the e-mail.

blstern

hi nice meeting you last night if you have any question on this car please feelfree to call or e-mail.Enclosed is the the order guide for the cayman s or cayman.

thank you

john del tattoo

Hey john del tattoo, nice e-mail. Didn’t realize I was buy my$60K car from A FUCKING THIRD GRADER!!! Learn to write an e-mail you retard!!

Any who, this other blstern buying a really nice car pissed me off, so I decided to take it out on john del tattoo. I demanded my money back from an earlier purchase.

Dear Putrid and Son Motors

I’m writing you about the 1972 AMC Gremlin I have purchased from you.

I have been driving or riding in cars all my life (except for those three years I was in that cult (Ages 6 to 8)) and I must say that your knowledge of fine AMC products is severely lacking.
The 1972 Gremlin Family Gleammaster, only came in two colors, Avocado Green or Burnt Umber Orange with November Yellow trim. The vehicle you sold me is definitely Oriole Orange with Spring Yellow trim which any second grader can tell you is the 1971 Gremlin Sportmaster 660. Although this is a fine automobile in its own right, it is not the 1972 Gremlin Family Gleammaster I ordered. I think I need to bring this car back to you and get it replaced with the 1972 Gremlin Family Gleammaster I originally ordered.

Now, I know it has been 35 years since I have taken ownership of this vehicle, but to be fair my son (Gippy) has only been old enough to wash it for the last three years. And I only started inspecting his work the last 6 months due to the fact that he was washing the wrong car. The real bad thing was it wasn’t always the same wrong car in the assisted living complex. One week it would be an Explorer the week after that it was a Nova… You get the idea! I love the kid but sometimes he is dumber than a tree stump in July. So I had to start inspecting his work to make sure it was the correct car and that is when I noticed the error in colors.

Now if you can not replace what I have with the 1972 Gremlin Family Gleammaster, I must then ask for my deposit back. I know that after 35 years the three chickens, two ducks and five hay bails are probably long gone. But I’m sure that the many offspring of them are still alive and kicking. All I ask is that I get the pick of the litter.

While we are on the subject, I must alert you to the impending danger of the cat gangs that are roaming our neighborhoods. There are gangs of cats, (Sometimes 20 to 30 strong) that roam the streets looking for victims to take their credit cards to buy kitty toys and go to cat nip raves. Let’s not even get into the evil they are portraying to our children on the internet thingy. They must be stopped! I and some other Gremlin Family Gleammaster car club members go out on crusades every night in our 1972 Gremlin Family Gleammasters’ to round up these trouble makers and keep our streets safe. But since it has been discovered that I do not truly own a 1972 Gremlin Family Gleammaster, I have been temporarily excommunicated from the Gremlin Crusaders. This has broken my heart and is keeping one Gremlin Crusader off the streets.

It is your American duty to help me resolve this issue.

Love and Kisses

Blstern

P.S.
My friends can call me Shuckey.

I’m afraid I may have confused poor john del tattoo.

Yo blstern,

do you have any clue what you are talkign about?

john del tattoo

After calming down a bit, I realized it was wrong of me to be angry about the other blstern’s good fortune and take it out on john del tattoo. I had better make it up to him.

john del tattoo

GIVE ME BACK MY RAISINS YOU BASTARD!

blstern

I wounder if he’ll throw in mud flaps???