Hot Lard News Flash – GM hires Super Tard to replace Tiger Woods

supertard-amd-buick

It has been confirmed that famed super hero and adult diaper model, Super Tard has been hired by GM to replace Tiger Woods as its new celebrity endorser. Super Tard is best known for his work with turkey insemination and explosive bowel movements. Last year Super Tard wowed the world when he showed he was brave enough to spend the night at Michael Jackson’s house alone, with no pants.

GM would not disclose the terms of the deal, but it is widely know that Super Tard is quit fond of rubber balls, a warm glass of spittle and shiny things.

A GM spokes person had this to say about the signing of Super Tard.

“Super Tard is a shining example of what’s good about this country and he reflects well on the quality of GM vehicles.  We are excited to have Super Tard as a spokes person for GM and believe his disabilities and uncontrollable urges to grab other people’s private parts will speak volumes about the product and this company”.

When asked, this is what Super Tard had to say about his new position.

“I gotta go make poopy”.

Good Luck to GM and Super Tard on this new venture.

Ervin Shlopnick’s email exchange with Pam White of HD Publishing Group

It has been some time since I have replied to anyone offering me riches and wealth through my Gmail. It’s not that I have not been getting these emails, it’s just that I’ve been so darn busy with work. Like……………  Well there is……………….. I had to………………

 OK, I’ve been busy hiding the bodies and masturbating myself blind.

 Anywho, the staff at Hot Lard received an email from Pam White of the HD Publishing Group who is offering us…….. ummmmmmmmmm……………. She was either trying to sell us something or offer us a job. Beings I pretty much own everything I need and no job could improve on my position of a barnyard porn mogul. I felt it necessary to come out of retirement and fuck with Pam.  Below you will see the email we received from Ms. White and my response.

Subject:

Great Synergy and Opportunities

 

Dear WordPress:

A strategic and comprehensive search for great affiliates with sites
that fit our niche, has brought us to you via your site at
http://www.wordpress.com/tag/background-check/.

Since 1996, HD Publishing Group has been fortunate enough to have one
of the # 1 rated websites for search related inquiries on the web – Net
Detective.  Because of our tremendous success and longevity, we’re
continually looking that that fresh new face to join with us as we
continue to bring our product to the thousands of new Internet users
who enter the market each day.   That’s why we’ve chosen to contact you
directly and give you a brief overview of what our product can do to
bring your affiliate marketing business to the next level.

* 69% commission from the 1st sale

* Long time trusted products

* On-time trusted payouts

* VIP commission schedules avaialble

* Custom landing and order pages

* Fresh Articles and Banner Creatives

* New Landing page templates monthly

* 120-Day cookies

* In-house Affiliate Manager

* Great Converting Search product updated monthly

All this adds up to continuous high conversions and maximum dollars in
your pocket!

Join https://www.hdpublishinggroup.com/affiliate_signup.php HD
Publishing Group today and start earning the type of income you deserve.

I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,
Pam White
HD Publishing Group
HD Publishing Group – Affiliate Signup, Affiliate Program Sign Up
pam@affiliatesuccess.net

Here is my response to Pam’s offer of putting maximum dollars in my pocket. 

Subject: My Reply to your Great Surgery Opportunity

Dear Pam White,

 I’m afraid that Mr. WordPress is out of the office. This is the week he goes to local Jr. high schools to talk to the kids about the evils of Internet publishing companies and rectal thermometers. He also uses this time to get his son a date to one of the many Sadie Hawkins dances the schools are having. Personally I think his son should be doing this himself. At the age of 37 he should know by now how to get a date with a 14 year old.   

So at this time you will be dealing with me, Ervin Shlopnick. May I call you Peaches? I feel much better working with someone who I have given a name to. My secretary is called “Stupid Lisa” and my wife has been given the name “No Daddy No”.  Peaches, I feel that you and I could make a great team and with your brains, resources, business knowledge and my dirty underpants collection. I think we could be ruling the Internet with an iron fist in no time.

I am very excited in learning what you have on at this moment, plus I’m some what interested in your offer. I do however have some questions.

120 days of cookies. Do I get to choose the type of cookie (chocolate chip, oatmeal, ect) or do you send me a different box every day?

Do I have to give room and board to the in house manager? Am I responsible for feeding him…. Or would it be a her? If it is a her, and she is smart, witty and works without pants? I’ll take care of all her needs personally. 

Can the Net Detective help me find out if my girlfriend is cheating on me? She says she is just going to workout every day and that is why she comes home all sweaty. But that doesn’t explain the male ejaculate in her hair. I’d love to have the net detective to take some photos of her and show them to me while we eat the 120 day old cookies and double team the in house manager.

What does the “HD” of HD Publishing Group stand for? Is it:

Hum Dinger (That would be awesome)

Hump’em Dry

Hard Dingdong

Hands Dirty

Hardcore Downloads

Hate Date

Happy Drifter

Hole Diggers

Homo Domo

Heavy Drinkers

I’d also like to know a little bit about you personally. When is the last time you showered?  Does your breath ever smell like old feet? Do you like putting live things in your pants?

Boy Howdy, I feel like we’ve known each other for years. So when can I come over to your house and eat some of your food? I’ll tell you all about Aunt May and her inner thigh boils. Can you make some food that has bananas in it? I really like bananas…. About as much as I like burying things in the woods at 3 am. But that is for another time and when we become lovers.

Looking forward to seeing you in my mothers orange jumpsuit.

Ervin Shlopnick

Assistant Associate Managing Director of Internal Affairs and Monkey Tricks.

Hot Lard Inc.  

Will let you know what response we receive from good ole Pam.

A Letter to China

Dear China,

I am a business man who is interested in doing business with you. Of course I’m a business MAN. How could a woman be able to run a business when she is so busy with berthing babies and doing her husbands laundry?

What I would like to purpose to you is a can’t miss business transaction that will take all the problems you have had lately and put them in a good light. This little problem that you have had with lead paint in kids’ toys, poisonous dog food, faulty tires; tainted toothpaste and so on is purely the American public over reacting and the American Government just trying to bring you down.

Other than the 27 or so well documented studies on lead paint causing brain damage and respiratory problems in children. There is not one single solid piece of evidence that says it is causing any harm. If you ask me I don’t think there are enough wheezing retarded kids on the planet today anyway. With the retards they will play with the lead painted toys and it can’t hurt them any worse. Plus they will eat the dog food and not notice the difference. We sell more product to them. If we could only get the damn laws changed here in the states to allow them to drive, we could have the hat trick.

As far as the rest of this stuff… I hate dogs; I wear dentures and anyone who is stupid enough to use cheap ass Chinese tires should get in an accident. Don’t they know you only use rubber wheels on those cart thingies your dumber and uglier citizens are forced to pull other people around in?

Well anyway let’s get to business.

The first product I would like you to build for us is a series a action figures called, “The Lead Paint Gang”. Get it?!?!? Beings they have lead paint in their name it would have to be ok to use lead paint in them. Hell, we’ll even include a character called “Lead Paint Remover Sam” who’s job it is to remove lead paint from all the homes in Lead Paintville. So of course he will have to be covered in lead paint. It just fucking sells itself you stupid bastards. Here are a few other lead paint charters we are going to have.

  • Connie, the wheezing school teacher.
  • Johnny, the brain damaged paper boy.
  • Sally, the wheel chair bound, wheezing Girl Scout.
  • Frankie, the iron lung boy.
  • Mindy, the brain damaged, wheezing, wheel chair bound, mental case that is also in an iron lung.
  • Carl, the short breathed commie killing machine.
  • Larry, the pedophile.

I would like to get started on this project right away, so we may have them in stores by Christmas… Do you heathens know what Christmas is?

As far as your so called tainted dog food. I would like to market that towards people that own very old dogs. We will call it. “Last Rights”. The name sells itself. If the dog eats it an lives, the owner gets to spend a few more days with their beloved pet. If it dies… Hey the fucker was old and should have been put down years ago. We saved the customer an $80 vet bill, everybody wins.

As far as your shitty tires. We’ll sell 90% of them to the poor who can not afford a good lawyer to sue us. Plus a poor mans car can never get up to speeds that can hurt you if your tires shreds apart. The other 10% we’ll sell to rich ass kids who consider them selves adrenaline junkies. We call the tires, “The Adventurer” With a slogan that states, “You will never know what will happen around the next corner” That way when one of your tires falls apart and sends an SUV skidding off the road decapitating a family of 5. We can say that the tire simply did what was advertise. Plus we use the fact that the family could not fit in the poor category, so they must have been a bunch of drunken rich bastards just out looking for a good time and whole country will hate them. Because that is what happens here in the states.

As far as the toothpaste… I don’t really give a fuck. Repackage the whole mess as frosting and we’ll sell it in Kentucky.

So you group of savages, let’s get to work. I will allow the extra .1 cent an hour raise for your live stock…. I mean employees to work none stop 7 days a week until the Christmas rush.

Looking forward to doing business with you.

Regards,

Harry S. Crotum
CEO,
Kill ‘em Young Enterprises.

NetFlix Sucks!

Some time back I was a loyal customer of NetFlix. What a great idea! Order movie rentals on the internet and in 1 to 2 days your movies arrive in the mail and you can keep them as long or as LITTLE amount of time as you want. I had the 5 movie membership (The second most expensive they offered at that time). I even talked a few friends into purchasing the service after they heard from me what a great deal it was.

So here I was, loving the great service…… The problem was, apparently I was loving it to much. You see NetFux in all of their evil wisdom decided that people who used their service too much, were lower forms of life and needed to be beaten in public and shamed for all the world to see. They started a new policy (That they did not let anyone know about) called, “Throttling”. What this new double super secret policy did was punish people who did not hold onto their movies for more than 145 days, saving NewtFuckers 45 cents on shipping fees. The punishment they dolled out to us “Frequent Viewers” (that is an actual term they used to describe us) was to not send us demon fodder the videos that were on the top of our lists or taking up to a week to send our movies which was advertise by them to take only a day or two… Or in my case both.

The two problems I had with this was that:

  1. The NumbFux outlet was less than an hour’s drive from my house. But it took them 5 days to mail me a movie.
  2. They absolutely refused to admit they were doing this.

That was until they were sued in a California court for false advertising and lost 2.5 million dollars (That’s a lot of 45 cent postage stamps)

I don’t know if any of you have ever tried to contact NetEnron. It is nearly impossible to talk to anyone on the phone and when you use their email, you get nothing but canned responses. As you will see in my first couple of e-mails to them. Needless to say that after a couple of wasted attempts to get any real answers from NutFudge I decided to just let loose.

Enjoy.

My first e-mail to Nutkicks…

I would like to know why the movie I had at the top of my list was skipped over and a movie below it was sent in its place. I placed that movie at the top of the list because that is the one I wanted first. If it was not, I would have placed it lower on the list. (Please don’t say you were out of the movie because this happened early Monday morning and I know you had it in) This is not the first time this has happened to me and I’m getting tired of it. You have 24 hours to send me the movie at the top of my list or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Also can you explain to me why it takes 4 days for you to send me some movies? Please don’t blame the postal service, you always get your movies back from me in a day. But you show 3 to 4 days for a movie to be returned to me. I live one hours drive from your outlet. I’m not paying for this. Please correct this or I’m gone.

Regards,

blstern

NewbornFuckers first canned response…
It’s a bit long, all it does it list all of their rules, you may just want to skim this one.

Dear blstern,

Thanks for your message.

To help you manage your Rental Queue, we provide inventory information for each title you add to your Queue. Due to the fact inventory status fluctuates constantly; it is possible that the status may vary before the movie can be shipped. Please note that all expected “wait” designations are simply estimated according to overall demand and inventory levels.

There are overall estimated “short wait”, “long wait” and “very long wait” status designations, but these do not indicate the exact waiting time for you in regards to receiving this title.

We do suggest keeping your Queue in your chosen order despite a wait designation. This will allow our system to attempt to process the title for you each time a return is received from you. If your top choice title becomes available to you at the time you make a return, it will be shipped to you. If not, we will process the next available title in your Queue for shipment.

We apologize for any inconvenience this wait may be causing you. At present, our goal is to ship you the DVDs listed highest in your Queue. If the first is not available, we will ship the second; if the second is not available, we will ship the third, and so on. Your Queue will indicate when we expect your next available title to be shipped. After the title has been shipped, you will receive an e-mail letting you know that the title has been shipped and its estimated arrival date.

You may also return to the site to confirm which title has shipped and get an estimated arrival date. You may view your Rental Queue via the following link:

http://www.netflix.com/Queue

Here is how we process and ship our DVDs:

We receive rental returns Monday through Friday, except holidays. We process nearly 100% of returns the same day we receive them. When we check-in a return, an email is automatically and promptly sent to you to let you know that we have received your DVD. At present our goal is to ship you the DVDs listed highest in your Queue. Also, we currently try to ship you DVDs from the distribution center closest to you so that you get movies quickly.

Often, on the same day that we receive a DVD from you, we will ship the next available DVD from your Queue. In certain instances, your next available DVD will not ship until at least one business day following our receipt of your returned movie. This can occur, for example, when your top choices are not available to you from your closest distribution center or the number of shipments to be processed by the distribution center on that day has been exceeded. When this happens, your DVD will likely ship on the next business day and may come from an alternate distribution center.

In determining priority for shipping and inventory allocation, we give priority to those members who receive the fewest DVDs through our service. As a result, those members who receive the most movies may experience that (i) the shipment of their next available DVDs occurs at least one business day following return of their previously viewed movie, (ii) delivery takes longer, as the shipments may not be processed from their local distribution center and (iii) they receive movies lower in their Queue more often than our other members. By prioritizing in this way, we help assure a balanced experience for all our members. Those that rent a lot of movies get a great value and those with lighter viewing habits are able to count on our service to meet their limited needs.

When we ship you another DVD we automatically and promptly send you an email letting you know that it’s on the way and telling you the estimated arrival date.

You may review the Netflix terms of use by clicking on the following link:

http://www.netflix.com/TermsOfUse?hnjr=8

If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us.

Thanks,
Nicole,
Netflix Customer Service

Thanks for telling me nothing. Here is my second serious e-mail to Netfinks…

Dear Nicole,

Thank you for the canned and bullshit answer you sent. We all know that the reason I am having so much trouble with you is because you have pick me out as a “Frequent Viewer” and you have “Throttled” me.

Please read the story at this link.

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/local/states/california/no

The truly sad thing about all this is that you will not admit you are doing it. If you would come out and say, “We will only allow ‘X’ number of rentals a month” I could have lived with that. But this little game you play with week long return times and not getting my top choice is getting old. I will not pay you money to be treated like a second class customer. Please let me know what you intend to do about this so I may decide if I am going to keep my account with you or not.
It is truly sad that you have gotten so big that you think you can treat the customer like this.

Looking forward to seeing you in bankruptcy in the future.

Regards,

blstern

Please take a look at the long drawn out explanation NetBlow sent me. Man they really showed they care about the customer with this one.

Dear blstern,

Thank you for contacting Netflix.com customer support!

We appreciate you taking the time to provide us with your feedback and comments. I sincerely apologize for the difficulties you’ve experienced.
If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us.

Thanks,
Tim,
Netflix Customer Service

WOW! Thanks NetLeech, you really went all out on that one. You have surely cleared a lot up for me. Well apparently my serious approach is not working. So I decided to mix things up a little bit and have some fun. Hey, Tim did say I was free to contact them. I decided to feed off their use of the word “Sincerely”.

You “sincerely apologize”?!?!?!?!?

Well golly gee gumdrops that changes everything. Where do I sign back up? I didn’t realize you were “Sincerely Apologetic” about screwing me over. How you must “Sincerely” roll around sleepless in bed at night, worrying about the customers. Maybe I should be apologizing to you. Maybe I missed that letter you sent me about your new “Sincerely screw over the customer policy”. Oh wait here is:

Dear livestock… errrrrrrrrrrrr Valued Customer,

We here at Netflix (Salute when you say that) would like to let you know that we “Sincerely” appreciate your loyal patronage and to show you how thankful we are… You have been singled out by us to start receiving sub-par service. As of this time we will start lying to you about the time it will take us to ship your movies and never send you your top choice. Your queue is now “Sincerely” worthless. But don’t fret… You will get all this sub-par service for the exact same price as a customer that gets good service. How can we do this you ask? Well you see, because you view 3 more movies a month than customer Joe Smith you are “Sincerely” taking money out of our mouths. Because of those three extra rentals our board member Thurston S. Moneyhouse will not be able to afford that extra pony for his little girl Mimsy. Also Mr. Bloodlust needs to update his 2005 BMW to a 2006 model. Let’s not forget the battleship … errrrrrrrrrrrr yacht we promised the executives. But remember, we are “Sincerely” remorseful for any difficulties you may have. See we said “SINCERELY” so it must be true.

In closing, keep sending us your money.

Thank you for your understanding.

“Sincerely”
Robert J. Screwthecustomer
(The J stands for “Sincerely”)

Golly Goosebumps,

You do care, I’m (Sniff) touched. I would like to bake you a ham. Please let me know where I may send it.
“Sincerely”
blstern

(The L stands for Succulent Ham)

I received a carbon copy of the e-mail I got from them earlier, only with the word “sincerely” removed.