Hot Lard Flashback – Attack of the John Holmes Robots

Hey…………. sigh………… yeah, it’s me……… still not being funny………. oh hum………

Nothing is funny…. Life is just one big serious glob of serious….. ness……….. sigh

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Well, here is an old post of mine back when I was funny…… I was too!!!!

I WAS TOO!!!!!!

Anywho…. This is a quick movie I did staring Rainbow Bright & Friends. It is a heart warming story of adventure, friendship, & good manners. With a surprise ending that no one saw coming, but everyone felt a little more alive inside for experiencing it.

Before you say, “Awwwwwww Cute”… It was a porno.

Click Here and Enjoy!!!

What they are thinking…

Ever look at a picture and wonder what the people in the shot are thinking?

Me neither….

But here are a bunch of photos that where taken with the “Thought Filter” on, so you can see what they were thinking.

I know you didn’t ask for it… Nobody asked for the horror known as Justin Bieber either, but we all have to suffer through it though.

Enjoy…

artist

bad boy

Dollar

Drive by

Redo

fat chick

Forgot

Freedom

Internet

normal

pooped

spongebob

Sorry to make you go through another batch of those… At least it wasn’t Justin Bieber.

I Can…

Since I have destroyed the 4 gig jump drive I have every single photo, gif file, and post draft on. I pretty much have nothing to do.

So I am looking for ideas of what I can do now that the rest of my weekend is fucked.

What to do…?

What to do…?

What to do…?

I know… I can…..

Take my kids to the water park….

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I can teach others about fireworks safety…

Captain-America-shield-fireworks-fail

Birthday-fire-sparkler-flame

Shower-bottle-rocket-prank

I can play a game of catch…Carly-Rae-Jepsen-baseball-pitch

I can teach the younger generation to respect their elders…

Kitten-cat-stairs

Reporter-slaps-videobombing-child

I can help out a stranded motorist…

Oblivious-truck-driver-pushes-car

I can have some water fun with my wife…

Water-slide-beer-doggy-win

I can go to a concert in the park…

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I can teach my son how to make some money….. Like a lemonade stand, or a paper rout… or…. I guess whatever his little imagination can come up with…

Car-insurance-fraud-fail

I can try to make new friends…

Gas-station-pump-innuendo

Shower-soap-staring

I can try a new sport…

Bowling-trick

Bungee-jump-crocodile

I can try to learn a new trade…

Car-stealing-fail

I can kill Gorrax, the evil cat overlord of the underworld…

Video-game-shoots-cat

I can tell evil, “NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN TODAY”!!!

Robbery-bladder-fail

Vigilante-robbery-shotgun

I can take Thor’s Hammer and and see what I can do with it.

Thor-hammer-bomb-disposal

Strongman-hammer-game-fail

I can try to surprise the women in my life…

Mud-camouflage-ninja

Pants-guy-punches-girl

Hobo-kicks-pigeon

I can start my dog’s astronaut training…

Dog-in-airplane-loop

I guess I can just drink my sorrows away…

Leia-hands-Luke-beer

Flaming-shot-fail

But I think I’ll just crawl into a dark corner and feel sorry for myself…

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For those of you who thinks its funny that I lost 4 years of stuff… Here’s a gif of Hitler turning into a werewolf monster thingy.

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A brave man being attacked by a giant spider….

Huge-spider-wall

A girl being told by a sheep what it thinks of her dancing…

Sheep-hates-dance

And a little girl who’s not afraid to slap your shit around…

Webcam-girl-slaps-sister

Hope they give you nightmares !!!

Hot Lard Flashback – A Pony for my Daughters Birthday

Here is another post I did back in the 2007 – 2008 time frame. I’m particularly proud of this one, because I posted it on Yahoo Answers and asked folks if I did the right thing getting my daughter a pony for her birthday. After reading it…. AND TAKING IT SERIOUSLY!!! People went ape shit with their replies. The one I picked as the “Best Answer” was classic, and reaffirmed my belief that you did not need the be a member of MENSA to give advise on Yahoo Answers.  I wish I could show you the responses I got on Yahoo, but…. my account sort of got suspended shortly after that.6ku1oye2 I logged on to Yahoo Answers this last weekend and my account is still suspended…. Some 5 years later.

Click here to be taken to the 2009 reposting of this wonderfully heart warming story of a man and his quest to get his daughter the one thing that she wanted most for her birthday

… Oh and there’s a mention of cream corn wrestling in it also, I think.

Enjoy

Hot Lard Movie Review – Sharknado

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I know I am a little behind the curve on this one. But last night I had the pleasure of watching Sharknado for the first time and had to take a few minutes to put down my thoughts on this cinematic masterpiece.
I must admit that I went into this movie with high expectations. Not because it was to be a really good movie. But I knew it was really bad. I had read the reviews, heard about it on radio & TV and the general consensus was that this movie was so bad…. It was good.
I actually enjoy this type of movie. The one’s that didn’t make an enormous mark at the box-office or with critics, and in all reality are a bad movie. One of my most favorite movies of all time is “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. That is what I consider the golden standard of movies that are so bad, they are good.   Below is a guilty pleasure list of some (Not all) of the bad movies that I tend to enjoy to view.

*
Dumb & Dumber (A True Masterpiece)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (The Gold Standard!!!)
Battleship
Star Trek the Motion Picture
Night of the Lepus
The Giant Claw
Them
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Mannequin
Troll 2
Flash Gordon
Idle Hands
Reefer Madness
Anaconda

*

But unknown to many, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes had a squeal, that was equally bad… but not so bad it was good. And that is where I unfortunately have to place Sharknado.

Now let’s move to last night’s offering. Sharknado is in all counts a very, very bad movie. Bad on the level that makes its viewers angry to the point that they should pick up torches and pitch forks. Form an angry mob and march down to the offices of the SYFY network and demand a sacrifice of the executive staff that agreed to release this atrocity on the unknowing public. This movie was so bad, that I am sorry and very disappointed to admit that it will never make the list of the bad movies that are so bad they are good.

The reason I had such a negative reaction for this movie, is the fact that it didn’t even try to be good. Most bad movies at least try to be good. Even Plan 9 from Outer Space tried (albeit feebly) to be good.
Sharknado knew it was bad from the start and went downhill from there. The bad seemed to ooze from this movie, making it very hard to watch. They did not try at all to make you believe this was at all a dire situation. Let me explain…
As we see at the start of the movie, there is a hurricane moving towards the shore of California.  A hurricane… If I’m not mistaken, is some pretty bad shit. Buuuuut that does not seem to put a damper on the shore side amusement park and drinking crowd. Yes, that is correct, as Hurricane… ummmmm I don’t remember the name of the storm… But this hurricane is bearing down on the cost. The Bar…. THE SHORE SIDE BAR is still very full a patrons, playing pool, drink beer, and generally commiserating.

AND THEN LOW AND BEHOLD…

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This surprise storm (That everybody knew was coming) attacks the shore and its people with no provocation at all. It is hell bent on flooding the streets and filling them with sharks to eat all the drinking and pool playing people. So our heroes finally decide that maybe its time to close the bar and move to higher ground…… And what better place to go but Beverly Hills. They end up in the mansion of the ex-wife of main hero Mr. 90210. The ex-wife is played by none other than Terra Reed, who is a real treat in this movie. But I’ll get to that more in a bit.

Suddenly the mansion is full of water & sharks, so they have to get out quick. And it appears that on the outside of the house there is less water than there is inside of it. Again… Inside of the house, enough water for 3000 lbs sharks to swim… Outside, just puddles so you can drive your car.

We next find our hero (Mr. 90210) trying to save a bunch of kids stranded in a school bus that is slowly being overcome by water and sharks…. Some very clever camera angles were used to make sure we never see below the windows of the bus. Until the CG of the water and sharks could kick in that is. But you will notice that in the back ground of some of the shots, there appears to be normal traffic. No water, no sharks, no sign of people trying to get away from the storm that has reeked so much havoc on this city. Nope, none of that. Just normal folk driving around with no clue of the disasters that occurred and the heroism that was being performed just yards away from them. Well, they rescue all the kids, but the bus driver does die…. As if none of us saw that coming.

By this point I was on my fourth glass of wine and things started to get fuzzy. I vaguely remember our heroes making it to a liquor store. Then find the funds to buy a $50,000  vehicle when theirs goes belly up. Surviving a Sharknado at the airport that destroys every plane there……. Except one single helicopter. I believe this helo was used by the son of Mr. 90210 and the waitress that has a thing for Mr.90210 to throw bombs into the Sharknados to stop them…… Because a bar waitress is knowledgeable in these things I guess. And let me ask… where was the US government, city, and weather officials during this whole thing. Do we as a nation have to depend on bar patrons that don’t know enough to get out of a shore side bar before the hurricane hits to save us all?

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Let’s see… then the helo gets attacked by sharks and the professional bomb throwing into Sharknados waitress falls out of the helo and into the waiting mouth of a flying Great White. This is the only point of the movie I showed any emotion. It saddened me that the waitress and her boobies had died……. Or did they??????
In the final Cou-de-gra, Mr. 90210 saves his daughter by jumping into a flying Great White with a chain saw. I think you can actually hear the “Gulp” sound come from the shark as he swallows Mr. 90210. Everyone is sad as they look upon the shark as it lays there digesting Mr. 90210.

BUT THEN…….!

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Mr. 90210 chainsaws himself out of his tomb….. Plus he also rescues the waitress love interest. I guess he had enough wherewithal to watch out for any others that may have been inside the shark’s tummy as he jumped into it with a running chain saw. Apparently he missed the waitress altogether and was able to pull her out of the shark along with himself. Everyone smiles… The movie ends, and I died a little bit inside.???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way one of those art house movie critics that believes the only good movies are ones with gay cowboys eating pudding. I love cheesy movies! I normally enjoy the Saturday SYFY cheesy movie.  I believe a good movie should have at least one explosion in it every 24.68 minutes. (Oh yeah, that is how they lost the first truck… It had a small gas leak that waiting until everyone could get out and then run…  No, I mean “jog” away from it before it CG explodes) But Sharknado is nothing but a bad, bad movie that offers nothing to anyone.

Now, let me reflect on some of the good of this movie… Terra Reid.

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And when I say “Good”, I am referring to how she makes me feel about the decisions I have made in my life as compared to hers. Terra Reid is a complete waist. In this movie you can see she wasn’t even trying. Not to say that any of the other actors should be renting a tux for the Oscars anytime soon. But you can plainly see she was only there for the meager paycheck she was earning, and probably the free drinks they promise her for just showing up. The best parts of the movie where when something would happen and there would be a 3 second cut to Terra’s face in hopes she was paying attention long enough to try and put an expression on it.  Most of the time the expressions you got were…

“Oh Hum”, Terra

“Oh shit, was that my que?” Terra

This is me acting…. REALLY!!

Terra

“Golly, I wonder if the janitor has any more of that Cherry Yum Diddly, Ripple left?” Terra

There was a time when Terra’s acting skills did not need to be great, because she was something nice to look at…. But that time has passed and the executives of Sharknado must have learned that because she has been cut from Sharknado 2.

So to recap, Sharknado sucked… It is not one of those movies, that is so bad it is good. I am really pissed off that I wasted 2 hours of my Saturday night watching it….. And I will probably still watch Sharknado 2 when it is released.