Jean-Claude Van Damme Wish Hot Lard a Happy Birthday

Dear Hot Lard staff,

Please accept my best-wishes for your One Year birthday!

As a token of my appreciation for you brand of comic humor, please note the enclosed gift bag.  For your readers, I have listed them:

  • a piece of glass I stole from Bloodsport that was used during the filming of the famous scene where I beat up that big burly Asian guy.
  • the underwear I wore during my most-famous scene in Time Cop during the scene in the kitchen where I jump onto the countertop and perform an amazing split to avoid being electrocuted.  I think the stain from an oily fart is still there if you look closely.
  • a signed photograph of Wilford Brimley.  I signed up for diabetes medication after seeing his commercial late one night, and requested two signed copies of his face … which he complied.  He’s my favorite actor, and a true American hero.
  • one sandwich baggie with my collection of ear wax I have accumulated since I first step foot on American soil.  This is my gift to you and your readers.  Although, I might be hard to share this with your readers, but be sure to let them know I gave it to you.  I no longer need it because my doctor says I should slowly begin to relieve myself of many of my belongings, as I’ve got a disorder in which I like to keep (horde?) many useless byproducts of human living.  I still can’t bring myself to flush my toilet.

I hope you all enjoy your day on August 9th.  I plan to sing a song I wrote for this occasion, which is titled, “Oh fair donkey, love thy thee”.  I will be Botswanna filming my next movie (co-starring Marshall Mathers).  It is tear-jerker love story about two fellas who met on the internet and decide to finally meet.  We have recruited some of the best screenwriters in American to develop this rich story, and I cannot wait to release this movie worldwide, to hopefully critical-acclaim.

Take care everyone!  Just remember to take it easy and rest your elbows.

Love,
JCVD

See our other B-day wishes here

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