Ervin Shlopnick’s List of the 10 Best and Worst Movies

Beings I’m the fourth most important person on the Internet today, I get asked for my opinion a lot. People want to know my feelings on a whole range of things…
Not really sure why, Guess it’s because I’m so damn smart.
So here is a quick list of answers to the questions I get asked the most.

The Chicken came first…
The toilet paper role goes over and not under…
Ice cream with sprinkles is best…
Cows are evil…
The Anal Intruder 3000 is far superior to the Anal Intruder 2600…
If you’re happy and you know it, you really should clap your hands…
Al Gore knows nothing about the Internet…
The first words ever spoken were, “Pull my finger”…

One thing that has been asked of me the most is what are the 10 best and 10 worst movies of all time? Believe it or not I have an answer for that too. I have compiled a list of the best and worst movies that have spewed out of Hollywood and are now going to share them with you.

Before you read them a few things to remember…

This list is final, so don’t be writing in say, “You missed this movie and I didn’t like that one movie on your list, now I’m going to have minstrel cramps all day”. Remember, I am the fourth most important person on the Internet, so unless you are one of the three people that are more important than me, your opinion doesn’t mean shit and is unwanted.
Also, before you start whining about the new Batman movie not being on the list. I have not seen it yet, so don’t wet your panties because it is not on here.

Top Ten Movies of All Time

The list is not in order due to the fact that I can not pick a number one. The way I look at it is, if I had to be stranded on a desert island and could only watch 10 movies. These are the ones I would choose.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Category – Action Adventure

Action, comedy and the wrath of God. What more could you get into a movie.

Shaw Shank Redemption

Category – Drama

The first movie I can honestly say was as good as if not better than the book.

Dumb And Dumber

Category – Comedy

The only movie I truly know word for word and will use lines from it in everyday conversation. And if you don’t, “You’re one pathetic loser… No offence”.

Star Wars (Empire Strikes Back)

Category – Sci-Fi

Best of the bunch. Darth Vader is Luke’s father? WOW!

Jaws

Category – Horror / Action Adventure

This movie single handedly killed an industry. Plus it has the greatest and most recognizable theme song of all time.

Pink Floyd –The Wall

Category – Musical

First time I saw this I was medicated. Enough said.

Apocalypse Now

Category – Drama / War

“I love the smell of Napalm in the Morning” So do I.

The Matrix

Category – Sci-Fi

What a mind job.

Full Metal Jacket

Category – Drama / War

Get this through your thick skulls maggots. R. Lee Ermey is a god!!!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Category – Comedy

Ni!

10a. Lord Of the Rings (Trilogy)

Category – Action Adventure

This one comes in after I originally made the list. I can’t find it in my heart to remove any of the above (Maybe the Matrix because the sequels pissed me off so much) but I can’t leave this epic of film making off the list. This is a true masterpiece and could be number one on my list. Move over Star Wars, there is a new King!

Honorable Mention – (Movies I would like to see wash ashore)

Godfather II

Star Trek (First Contact)

The Usual Suspects

Citizen Kane

Terminator II

War Games

Witness

War of the Worlds (The original)

ET

Signs

South Park the Movie

Worst Movie – (The movies I would most likely use as Fire Wood)

Star Wars (The Phantom Menace)

Category – Crap / Insulting

What were you thinking George??? JAR JAR Binks is the spawn of Satan.

The Matrix (Revolutions)

Category – What the F*ck?!?!?!?!

The absolute biggest let down of all time. The Whychowski brothers took a classic and destroyed it. I waited 5 years to see the ultimate battle between man and machine……..END IN A TIE??!?

Mission to Mars

Category – Sell out.

Mission to my ass is more like it. I’m sorry but did everyone forget how to act when they signed on to do this turd.

Howard the Duck

Category – Ducks are not funny!!!

Another George Lucas abomination, I believe it was an early test on the American public for JAR JAR Binks.

The American President

Category – You blew it in the last 15 minutes of the movie.

Loved this movie right up to the part where is said he was a “Card carrying member of the ACLU”. I have never watched a second of this movie since.

Battlefield Earth

Category – Just because you read Dianetics, doesn’t mean you can make a good movie.

How do you take a 1500 page book that took ten years to write and fit it into a 2 hour movie………. You don’t.

Star Trek V (The Final Frontier)

Category – Capt. Kirk can’t direct

Or write or produce or act or………..Who let him loose on this toilet stain anyway?

Jaws 3 (3D)

Category – Greed

How do you take one of the most epic movie titles of all time and turn it into a joke? Watch this movie and find out.

Raise the Titanic

Category – A bad book usually makes for a bad movie.

So bad I don’t even think you can find it on video now.

Rudy

Category – What does a diploma from Notre Dame gets you?

Well if you’re Rudy it gets you a job mowing lawns. Yes that’s correct Rudy was mowing lawns years after graduating and only stopped doing it after the movie was made. Now he gives inspirational speeches on determination………….. This from a man who was MOWING LAWNS FOR A LIVING!!!!

10.a The Barney Movie

Category – Soul Stealer

I pretty much stayed away for kids movies, (I felt they would be to easy a target) but this one I had to include. This 90 minutes of evil took my soul and never gave it back. The only good thing about being forced to watch this movie is that I get to throw it back in my daughters face whenever I want. Here is an example:

My Sweet little girl: Daddy, can I go to college?

Me: You forced me to watch the Barney Movie with you when you were 5. I’m afraid I have done everything that a father is called to do for his child, so college it out.

My Sweet little girl: But daddy, what am I supposed to do with my life?

Me: Here’s and Idea, become an assassin and kill that fucking Barney. If that doesn’t work out, there is always room for one more hooker on this planet.

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