In about two day’s time, my SPAM email count went from 0 to over 1,000. Here are some memorable subject lines:
g ShortDick? Sad? you will feel happy with our help, Click here to find out how wzhzf j6eby30
You know, I was almost persuaded to visit their site. I guess it was the random letters that tipped me off. Too bad for them, because I really wanted to know if my sadness was related to ShortDick syndrome. I have overheard that ShortDick syndrome is is an off-shoot of PencilDick Disease from a well-respected abortion doctor who lives two doors down from me. His drug representatives visit him during odd hours of the night and sometimes party until 4 PM when I get home from the library.
Break the monotony of life with a cool watch.
If your life is so sad that a new watch is the only pick-me-up you have not yet tried, then boy are you messed up in the head. This pretty-much means you have:
- experimented with crack, and didn’t notice anything different
- ear drops of heroin
- had a good time with gay sex
- thought gay sex with a Chinese man (yes, it is different) sounded like fun
- attended taint-shaving classes during the evening with your Uncle Lewis
- pierced bamboo shutes up your fingernails, doused with kerosene
- watched Pearl Harbor, and liked it
- watched the hospital rape scene in Kill Bill Volume 1, and picked up a few pointers along the way
I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g. oon marijuana or some other drug).
I am so glad this was clarified in parenthesis because I was willing to pay a lot of money to experiment a good stoning while having sex. As in The Bucket List, I have a list of things to accomplish before I die. Frankly, having sex while getting stoned (with stones, not drugs) was up there in the top ten. Here are some other things I need to check-off before the Grim Reaper taps me on the shoulder:
- have sex with Meryl Streep
- visit Iran
- convince the Germans that Budweiser is the best beer in the world
- fill my bathtub with lotion and masturbate for a month
Just a small-pill will cure all your doubts and restore the life you will not help enjoying.
The cure to my small penis and tiny self-esteem is not another small pill. God dammit! When will these people figure out that I need a pill so large … it would choke a donkey like the shit I take after a double-dose of steak & eggs from my local Dennys?
Hey wait a minute? I just realized something! If this pill cures my doubts and restores my life, why won’t it let me enjoy my newfound success? This magical pill will apparently pay my bills, increase my penis size, and bring Meryl Streep to my front door. However, I will be in debt to the mafia, John Holmes would be jealous of my girth, and the jet airliner carrying (none other than) Meryl Streep will crash-land on my car while I’m driving to my monthly ShortDick Syndrome & Me self-help classes!
God dammit, I can’t catch a break!