Received another Imposter blstern email today – I’m invited to the opera

In case you don’t know the story let me fill you in. Back before I had my name legally change from blstern to Ervin Shlopnick; (For reasons of deportation and underage paternity suits) I would get a lot of emails for this other blstern in my Gmail account. At first I would just delete them, but then after a while I started to reply to them. 

 Reason?

I figured fuck it! This guy has a much better life than me, so why not fuck with his friends. It really doesn’t take much to set me off…. So it would be a good idea to never cut me off on an L.A. freeway. 

After the name change, these emails went away…. until now. Some guy wants me (The other blstern) to get all wet in the pants over some OPERA tickets he has. WTF OPERA!?!?!?!?

So I felt the need to reply to this one to let “J”know how excited I was about opera tickets.

 Enjoy. 

Subject: Tristan & Isolde
Blstern
A friend of mine has 2 tickets to “Tristan & Isolde” for Friday, March 14th. The location is Parterre Box #20, Seats 1 & 2. The ticket face value is $360/seat. I believe he will take less. Anyway, if you know anyone who might be interested, perhaps someone in the opera class, please let me know. By the way, I don’t get a commission. See you on the 21st. I will spread the word, next opera class feb 20th.
J
OH Boy the Opera!!! God I wish it was on Superbowl Sunday!!!!

Subject: Monster Trucks and big boobs

Dear JJ,

Bow Howdy that sure is exciting news; I love opera about as much as neutering my dog, Bloodfang.

However, I may have a small problem with the date. You see, I have some other events I’m going to on the days around this. On March 11th I’m attending the WWE Busty Brawl in Scurvy Hills. I have front row tickets for this one. I’m hoping to get my face slapped with female wrestler blood, sweat and mammaries.

 On the 12th of March I’m going to the “No Orifice is off limits” hoe-down at old man Jenkins barn in Hooterville. It’s a rip-snortin goober-grabbing good time. I plan on finding my next wife there. Do you know if they have lowered the age for the state marrying laws yet? There is this 15 year old Korean girl I’ve had my eye on and was hoping to hook up with her at the dance.  

 Let’s not forget the, “Bring a bleeding body part” jamboree on the 13th. I’ve been stalking this 98 year old retiree for some time. I think I can get her left leg without much of a fight at all.

 I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Monster Truck rally with me on the 15th. Clem has tickets and he keeps asking about you. He keeps saying you have a real “perty mouth”. Not really sure what he means by that, but he has to run off to the bathroom every time he says it and when he comes back he is all sweaty and out of breath.

 We need to get together soon and go to the park. We can spit at the pigeons and nuns again like we did last time.

 Well I need to go and place small live animals in my pants for the next three hours. I really hope the ferret doesn’t bite this time. After that I’m starting my own religion; it will have balloons, blood and dragons. Oh and let’s not forget the virgin sacrifice…. You better not show up that night.

 See yah soon

 XXOO

 B

 

This is what I have so far, will update this post with any response. 

One thought on “Received another Imposter blstern email today – I’m invited to the opera

  1. i love you, thought i’d share, this was amazing… i had to share with coworkers just to make them feel uncomfortable. cheers.

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