To get an idea of what it means to truly feel good, you need to tackle a large obstacle. Here are some things that make me feel good.
As the image you see shows, finishing one of these badass Hardees monster thickburgers makes me bubbly inside. It takes quite a man, or beastly woman, to polish off a half-pound of angus beef. You know the best part is that this massive slob of beef is nearly the best pipe cleaner known to mankind. Not even Super-Lax can brag about that. Douse that monster burger with a large Coke and you’ve concocted a recipe for disaster, which brings me to my next item.
After a while, the inevitable happens. Like Barney after guzzling a pint of Moe’s finest, you gotta let loose. The typical fast food meal wouldn’t be complete with just the burger … add curly fries and a gargantuan Mr Pibb and you’re sure to be the life at your 1:30 meeting with your largest and most-important customer. Be certain you’ve order the burger with onions (not shown above) as they add that little extra you want to be sure the customer can smell. Sort of think as onions as a Marshall amplifier that goes to 11. If you want or need that extra push, the onions are there to give you whatever you need to get the job done.
If you’re like me (and I suspect if you’re here reading Hot Lard, then you are) then the next-best thing to shoving a monster burger down your throat is letting one exit your body. I must admit, there are times when a good shit is better than sex. Maybe it’s the sheer mass exodus of, well, mass that is forced through your rectum that gives us all that yummy sensation. It is said that taking a nice shit is analogous to getting your taint fondled during sex? What the fuck? I never heard anyone say that. I totally just made that up. Seriously. The picture you see is one type of bodily shit release that feels good … the kind that sprays and stains the porcelain of a normal toilet. An equally good shit that coils like a 10-foot rattler on a hot summer day in Arizona is freaking sweet. I’ve been tempted to whip out my cellphone camera on many occasions to document such freak occurrences. The hard part is finding someone appreciative of such handiwork.
Well, that’s all folks. If you get a chance to try some of my techniques, let us know how it works out for you. If you create your own masterpiece in the shitter, take a picture of it and email it to us (be sure to follow our simple email rule shown above-right). Boobs works too. We’ll share it with everyone.
I am Count of Flanders Butwheaty. Later…