Fun facts from Infection Control

During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects – while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples’ anal gases.

.and wash your damn hands!

Ervin Shlopnick’s email exchange with Pam White of HD Publishing Group

It has been some time since I have replied to anyone offering me riches and wealth through my Gmail. It’s not that I have not been getting these emails, it’s just that I’ve been so darn busy with work. Like……………  Well there is……………….. I had to………………

 OK, I’ve been busy hiding the bodies and masturbating myself blind.

 Anywho, the staff at Hot Lard received an email from Pam White of the HD Publishing Group who is offering us…….. ummmmmmmmmm……………. She was either trying to sell us something or offer us a job. Beings I pretty much own everything I need and no job could improve on my position of a barnyard porn mogul. I felt it necessary to come out of retirement and fuck with Pam.  Below you will see the email we received from Ms. White and my response.


Great Synergy and Opportunities


Dear WordPress:

A strategic and comprehensive search for great affiliates with sites
that fit our niche, has brought us to you via your site at

Since 1996, HD Publishing Group has been fortunate enough to have one
of the # 1 rated websites for search related inquiries on the web – Net
Detective.  Because of our tremendous success and longevity, we’re
continually looking that that fresh new face to join with us as we
continue to bring our product to the thousands of new Internet users
who enter the market each day.   That’s why we’ve chosen to contact you
directly and give you a brief overview of what our product can do to
bring your affiliate marketing business to the next level.

* 69% commission from the 1st sale

* Long time trusted products

* On-time trusted payouts

* VIP commission schedules avaialble

* Custom landing and order pages

* Fresh Articles and Banner Creatives

* New Landing page templates monthly

* 120-Day cookies

* In-house Affiliate Manager

* Great Converting Search product updated monthly

All this adds up to continuous high conversions and maximum dollars in
your pocket!

Join https://www.hdpublishinggroup.com/affiliate_signup.php HD
Publishing Group today and start earning the type of income you deserve.

I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon.

Pam White
HD Publishing Group
HD Publishing Group – Affiliate Signup, Affiliate Program Sign Up

Here is my response to Pam’s offer of putting maximum dollars in my pocket. 

Subject: My Reply to your Great Surgery Opportunity

Dear Pam White,

 I’m afraid that Mr. WordPress is out of the office. This is the week he goes to local Jr. high schools to talk to the kids about the evils of Internet publishing companies and rectal thermometers. He also uses this time to get his son a date to one of the many Sadie Hawkins dances the schools are having. Personally I think his son should be doing this himself. At the age of 37 he should know by now how to get a date with a 14 year old.   

So at this time you will be dealing with me, Ervin Shlopnick. May I call you Peaches? I feel much better working with someone who I have given a name to. My secretary is called “Stupid Lisa” and my wife has been given the name “No Daddy No”.  Peaches, I feel that you and I could make a great team and with your brains, resources, business knowledge and my dirty underpants collection. I think we could be ruling the Internet with an iron fist in no time.

I am very excited in learning what you have on at this moment, plus I’m some what interested in your offer. I do however have some questions.

120 days of cookies. Do I get to choose the type of cookie (chocolate chip, oatmeal, ect) or do you send me a different box every day?

Do I have to give room and board to the in house manager? Am I responsible for feeding him…. Or would it be a her? If it is a her, and she is smart, witty and works without pants? I’ll take care of all her needs personally. 

Can the Net Detective help me find out if my girlfriend is cheating on me? She says she is just going to workout every day and that is why she comes home all sweaty. But that doesn’t explain the male ejaculate in her hair. I’d love to have the net detective to take some photos of her and show them to me while we eat the 120 day old cookies and double team the in house manager.

What does the “HD” of HD Publishing Group stand for? Is it:

Hum Dinger (That would be awesome)

Hump’em Dry

Hard Dingdong

Hands Dirty

Hardcore Downloads

Hate Date

Happy Drifter

Hole Diggers

Homo Domo

Heavy Drinkers

I’d also like to know a little bit about you personally. When is the last time you showered?  Does your breath ever smell like old feet? Do you like putting live things in your pants?

Boy Howdy, I feel like we’ve known each other for years. So when can I come over to your house and eat some of your food? I’ll tell you all about Aunt May and her inner thigh boils. Can you make some food that has bananas in it? I really like bananas…. About as much as I like burying things in the woods at 3 am. But that is for another time and when we become lovers.

Looking forward to seeing you in my mothers orange jumpsuit.

Ervin Shlopnick

Assistant Associate Managing Director of Internal Affairs and Monkey Tricks.

Hot Lard Inc.  

Will let you know what response we receive from good ole Pam.

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond.

The Amish man shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.

Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.

The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand.  Please speak in English.

The Amish man says: “Use two hands … you’ll get more.