Butwheaty Responds

Since blstern posted about an email forward that he replied to, I thought I’d share my own experience.  Below is an email that was sent to me; I dutifully replied to everyone on the email forward list.  Enjoy!

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I love these emails … they allow me the opportunity to fine-tune my wit.  Please read my responses to the points made in the initial email in red text.

This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you — and me!
You have 6 minutes

Realistically, six minutes is way too much time if you ask me … for proof, ask any woman!  I believe the going-rate is approximately 49 seconds, if you’re in the mood.  Less time if your partner is in the mood as well.

There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This has been sent To you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.

Is this the same Tony Robbins with the ginormous head and teeth?  I was unaware he was an expert at anything, rather a jack-hole of all trades… Hmm, interesting.  Are his book sales in the dumpster since his last movie role as Jack Black’s motivational helper in Shallow Hal?

Do not keep this message.

Trust me; I didn’t plan on keeping it, let alone reading the entire thing.  I get at least 5 of these demotivational emails a day alongside my numerous v|@gr@ offers (how’d they know???).

This must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

If after six minutes of being in my hand, I’d expect a nasty surprise too.  Of course, I’m usually prepared with a slew of cleanup supplies (Lysol disinfectant, putty knife, paint thinner, Brawny hefty ultra absorbent paper towels).  What does everyone else use for ‘cleanup’?

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

I live and die by this statement.  I cheerfully give more than my fair share of roundhouse kicks to the homeless.  It turds my undies more than anything to see the homeless ruining our beloved abandoned houses and bridge supports.  Does handing out tainted needles to the homeless count as being “too kind”?

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Because we all know gettin’ funky in bed is overrated.  Conversation skills in bed simply amount to endless moaning and groaning, as well as the occasional “GET OFF OF ME!”.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

Are you implying that I shouldn’t believe the Cultural Warrior himself, Bill O’Reilly and Murdoch’s media empire, Faux News?!  Sometimes the voices in my head tell me to buy more Viagra, and take a nap … is that wrong?

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you ,’ mean it.

Only if it means we can have sex.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

Do all those that have been wronged have only one eye?  That seriously freaks me out.  Be sure to show them their other eye when you say it.  I’m sure they’ll understand.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

10 years ain’t bad.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

Or, after the first date.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

If you can’t find a reason to laugh at someone’s ridiculous dream, they never should have told you in the first place.  Dreams are meant to be made fun of.  Especially if the dream was the person was being chased by rabid dogs and zombies, and fell off a cliff … those are the best!

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

I do, for 49 seconds.

TEN. . In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

How else are you going to belittle someone that is much stronger that yourself?  Name calling is fair game to me.  I suppose kicking an unsuspecting dude in the nutsack seems fair.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

Unless their relatives are in jail for the grisly murder of an Amish family.  Or, unless the mother is very fat and ugly. That means her daughter/your girlfriend will look like that in the future.  And, who wants that?

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

Yeah, everyone loves talking to Southerners.  Also, I don’t want people to get the idea that I am an habitual cocaine abuser.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

If I ask a question and you don’t answer, I will assume you’re stupid.  So therefore, if someone asks me a question and I don’t want to answer, I will just kick them in the nutsack.  I don’t want someone to get the wrong idea of my intellectual well-being.

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Yeah, like tapping your first virgin.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

And “Yeee Hawwww” when they fart.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson!

Or the lesson could be that you’re loser and it’s time to put the barrel of the gun in your mouth.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

There are actually four Rs … Remember to wash the trunk of your car.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship..

Otherwise you’ll be washing the trunk of your car the next morning.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Sober-up and get out there and wash that trunk!

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Smile, but hold the phone to your ass and confuse the hell out of the caller.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

If you’ve played your cards right, you’ll be spending a lot of time alone in prison.  Unless of course you get a roomie.

2 thoughts on “Butwheaty Responds

  1. Pingback: Caption Contest - What’s So Funny? « Hot Lard

  2. Pingback: Hot Lard Kodak Moment - The Internet is Full? « Hot Lard

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