blstern’s Rant on Inspirational Emails

Now and then…

Wait, What I mean to say is that, way to many times I get these moronic emails from my tree hugger friends that believe you can change your life by reading and living-by a bunch of fluff statements that other people write and then SPAM out to the rest of the world in hopes that someone may find one that makes sense.

I happen to find them all useless and get pissed when I find them in my in-box. So what I have started to do is returning these emails back to my “Friends” with comments to each one of the sayings. Not only do I return it to the “Friend” that sent it to me, but I send it to everyone else they sent it to. This would include, parents, girlfriend, boyfriend, girlfriends/boyfriends mother, Doctors, Boss, Priest and so on.

Below you will see an email that was sent to me titled “I Believe”. Below each statement in RED is my rebuttal. At the bottom in Blue I added a few of my own.

Enjoy

Beliefs to Live By

I believe — that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

Of course if that friend happens to be a really beautiful woman with really big hooters. Hypnotizing her to do all sorts of slutty things is still legal I believe.

I believe — that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

Or become really good with computers, then you could clean their accounts out electronically and post child porn on their hard-drive and alert the authorities. That’ll show them!!!

I believe — that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

RRRRRRRight! Just remember pal, yours may be bigger but his is closer and that is JUST what she is thinking right now!!!

I believe — that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

Double bean and beef Burrito?

I believe — that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe it’s a total of 12 steps.

I believe — that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

Uuuuuummmmmm, like…… “Hey pal, see yah later….. Unless you’re dead

I believe — that you can keep going long after you can’t.

All my prior girlfriends said the exact same thing to me…hmmmmm

I believe — that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

Unless you’re feeling really Really REALLY drunk; I mean…Come On! I wouldn’t have taken home half of those skanks if I didn’t have some serious beer goggles on.

I believe — that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

Along with the men in the black helicopters.

I believe — that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

Like MONEY!

I believe — that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

Unless there is something really good on TV, then you’re excused.

I believe — that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

Yah!!! Use property.

I believe — that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

Wow that’s great! As soon as I get me one of these “Friends” I’ll try that. Who am I kidding I’ll just hit them over the head with a shovel and take their stuff….. Again.

I believe — that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

Only to kick you back down again!!!

I believe — that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

So I’ll go for the “Kill Shot” right away.

I believe — that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

That’s what porn videos are for…to teach them!!!

I believe — that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

Hmmmmmm, how wise. I guess there is all that jail time and prison rape I could refer to.

I believe — that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

Screw the others!

I believe — that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

But it will stop when you’re at the top of a clock tower shooting at the crowd below!!!

I believe — that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I like to eat worms…

I believe — that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

And if they hop on one foot doesn’t mean they don’t eat cream corn on holidays and if they drive a yellow car does not mean they like extra cheese on their pizza. WTF?!?!?

I believe — that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I keep telling my girlfriends, “Don’t check police records” “Don’t do a background check on me” But they keep doing it and… Where did I put my shovel?

I believe — that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

Like Porn. I see the art of love making… My wife sees a dirty movie of illicit sex acts that no respectable woman or mother would do. And that’s ok with me………………… As long as she does that thing we saw in scene three with the hamster and jumper cables.

I believe — that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

Yah, it’s called the IRS.

I believe — that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

Your self to their stuff while their down!!!!

I believe — that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

But it sure does help the ole’ paycheck.

 

I believe — that if you’re not my friend you’re my enemy…. And if you’re my enemy, the voices in my head tell me to kill you.

I believe — that if two people argue, it’s usually a drug deal gone bad.

I believe — that if you pull my finger, I’ll fart.

I believe — friends that share drugs, should also share women.

I believe — I’ll have another beer, thanks.

I’m not getting as many these emails now for some reason

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s