blstern Impostor email Volume #6 (A Hambuger in England)

Here is another of the impostor blstern emails I received. Not really sure what this is all about. This email just showed up one day in my inbox saying I, errrrrrrrr I mean the impostor blstern was invited by “A” to come to England for a hamburger. Yep that’s correct. Go to England to have a hamburger. Hey don’t fucking ask me, they’re his friends not mine.

Dear All,

At the risk of annoying you even more than I normally do; I tried to book the restaurant in question last week whilst down in France and, damn me, they were closed on the Saturday for a wedding. The cheek of it! Anyway, they can do Sunday the 1st July so that is what I have booked.

The tricky thing is that I don’t know how many to book for following the avalanche of silence in response to my last, admittedly somewhat tortured, e-mail. I know some of you have spoken to “B” but she does not always speak to me, unsurprisingly, and when she does it is often in a strange tongue known only to herself and horses. She does leave notes, true, but they are short and usually end in “off”.

Anyway, if you would be so kind to give me a “yeah” or “nay” (or even a giddy-up, if you like), via this medium, and indicate whether you would prefer your burger with or without cheese it would help enormously.

Toodle pip,

“A”

PS: When we know when, or if, people are coming we can organise a plan that I would imagine might involve lolling around a fair bit.

 

 

Must be a really good hamburger if “A” really expects me to go all the way over there to eat one. Well I had better R.S.V.P.

A wise man once said…

In every life some rain will fall…

But make my SPAM burger extra rare and covered with cheese and bacon. (hold the onions)

The truth of that statement always brings a tear to my eye.

I was looking at my boy’s (Gippy Jr.) used urinal cake collection the other day and thought that this would be a good time to entertain the thought of moving to a new home without telling him. I mean… COME ON!!! Used urinal cakes?!?!?!? I have been a urinal cake replacement engineer for 26 years and I can tell you that a used urinal cake does not have the aroma, texture, or taste of a new one. And I do not want to share my home with someone that does not know that. Do you like Cream Corn?

Well gotta go,

Will see yah soon (As soon as the bandages are removed)

blstern.

Once again I forgot to mention that the first email from “A” was sent out several people. And of course my reply was sent to them all. Here are some of the replies I received, starting with “A”.

Blstern

 

Once again you have me completely baffled with your response. I must get 15 emails from you a day on business and personal matters and they all make perfect sense. Then you hit me with this utter nonsense and I have no clue as to what you want. Please take your meds and reply so I am able to understand what you say.

 

Your worried friend

 

“A”

 

My reply to “A”

For Christmas I’m asking for a monkey that will wrestle a Japanese girl in pudding.

 

Blstern

 

This person may have figured out the dark secret of the Imposter blstern.

Please stop responding to emails that are not intended for you. I know blster and you are not him. Go back to whatever rock you crawled out from under and leave the GOOD people alone.

 

“L”

 

I must try and convince “L” That I am the true blstern.

“L”

 

Why I have no idea what you are talking about. How could you say that, after all we have been through? Remember the time we had to hide out for 16 years because of the great Mr. Icy, Ice Cream truck robbery. You shot four clowns and a bike riding dog in that caper. Remember how you would work at Carl’s truck stop as a topless dishwasher to help us make ends meet. They didn’t really have any topless employees, but you insisted on doing it to help air out your bleeding mammary warts. Then you would volunteer to be a topless elementary school crossing guard because you loved the attention. All of those happy memories are now shattered by your harsh words. But I will forgive you, if you send me a tape recording of you doing a duck call while eating cream filled hamsters.

 

 

B

 

 

Believe it or not, “L” never responded back to me… But “S” did!!!!

Thanks a lot. Now I have lost my appetite.

 

“S”

 

 

My reply to “S”

 

 

The secret to true flavor is roach excrement.

 

I have four nipples.

 

Blster

 

Not sure when I’m supposed to go get my burger. Nobody will talk to me now.

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