Trying to narrow-down 10 of the manliest movies was tough. There had to be a follow-up post to honor those that simply did not make the list. These would’ve been in the list if the list was not confined to just 10 movies.
Raiders of the Lost Arc
Dr. Jones is the manliest movie character ever to grace Hollywood. I guess you could also say that about Han Solo. George Lucas really knows how to created memorable characters, which is ironic because he can’t write for shit.
I think Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc is one sweet movie because:
- Dr. Jones hates Nazis,
- Dr. Jones punches like a man, he fights like a man, and he takes his licks like a man,
- Speaking of punches, don’t they sound awesome in this movie?! That is the greatest sound effect ever created. Except, in my mind that is really how Harrison Ford punches someone … there is a little voice recorder that plays that sound every time he knocks someone the fuck out. I bet even if he was a woman beater, he’d punch that skinny bitch of his like that; square in the nose, with the sound of a fist smacking a wet and juicy 10 lb ham.
- Next to his revolver, his whip is good enough to beat anyone. That is, if he isn’t kicking someone’s ass with his fists.
- If you cross Dr. Jones, you’ll get chopped up by propeller blades.
- If you cross Dr. Jones, you’ll get the wrath of God beset on your ass. Of course, your face will melt too.
- Being afraid of snakes DOES NOT make Dr. Jones any less manly. Snakes are the work of the Devil. Even Dr. Jones can’t win that fight … only Arnold Schwarzenegger in End of Days can pick a fight with Satan, and win.
The Terminator / Terminator 2: Judgment Day / Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
All three of these movies kick some serious ass. All three deserve to be combined into a single entry.
The Terminator: Arnie is the greatest badass ever. Sent back through time to kill the mother of leader of the resistance, Arnie is nonstop on a path of murder and destruction. Nothing but a few homemade pipe bombs can stop him (burning his flesh off doesn’t even phase him). Every dude who saw this movie wanted to be ripped like Arnie. Every dude wanted to be able to penetrate an adversary’s chest and rip their heart while they watched in horror. Oh wait, maybe that’s a stretch.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day: Arnie’s back, but sadly he’s a good guy. That’s ok though, we can stretch our imagination for the sake of more ass-kicking. Poor little Eddie Furlong nearly ruins this movie with his shitty acting skills, but it’s Arnie that saves the day again. Once again, little boys dream of growing up and being able to dish out fistfuls of pain and suffering like Arnie does in this flick.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: Once again, we’re subjected to another non-evil Series 101. We should have seen this one coming though; Arnie can’t be the bad guy in every movie. I guess that’s what marriage to a Democrat does to you. Anyway, everyone’s favorite Series 101 gets a true match, who happens to be one serious babe. Don’t let her looks fool you though; if you cross her, you’ll get the swirly of a lifetime!
OK, before you fly off the handle on this choice … take a moment to think about this movie, and why Falling Down deserves to be mentioned. An everyday man gets fed-up with everything that is wrong around him and decides to take action. Now, who hasn’t felt like this? Who’s ever wanted to fix what was broken, with an Uzi sub-machine gun?
I know I have. 😉
This movie rocks because Michael Douglas doesn’t take shit from nobody. He whoops some ass and doesn’t give a shit. You’d better serve him breakfast or he’ll machine gun down the place!
Team America: World Police
According to IMDb, the Motion Picture Associate of America rated this movie R. Why?
Rated R for graphic crude and sexual humor, violent images and strong language – all involving puppets.
That’s why. And, that’s why this movie is awesome. In particular, there are two scenes that had me laughing so hard that tears were flowing, meanwhile my wife sat there motionless, in horror of what she was watching. If you’ve seen the Unrated version, you know what two scenes I’m referring to.
Yeah, if you’re reading this from a country other than the United States of America, you were probably offended by this movie. Go fuck yourself.
For more information about what was involved in making some of the deleted scenes, check out this interview.