Top 10 Manliest Movies

I present you my list of the top 10 most-manliest movies. You may need to stop what you’re doing and immediately go to where videos are rent or sold and buy or rent this movie … right … now.

The movies below are in no particular order.

Predator

This is probably one of the greatest action movies … of all time. When it comes to pure ass-kicking, there is no better clandestine unit that can match Dutch’s group of rag-tag killers. Packing some serious firepower and ginormous muscles, only an alien can give these adrenaline junkies a run for their money. This film is the reason why celluloid was created. Go ahead, stop now … throw this movie in and blow some speaker fuses during the last stand.

Commando

While not at the top of most well-respected movies by Arnold, this film has gained quite the cult following. Why? Because no matter what, you just can’t kill Arnold in a movie. Matrix jumps out of a jetliner, crashes a small car into a light pole going no less that 50 mph (seatbelt-less), kicks a Green Beret‘s ass (rather, eats him for breakfast), infiltrates a military-operated facility to learn some secret plans, robs an Army surplus store, escapes from a pattywagon (with help), rows a small inflatable boat many miles at sea (fully-loaded with an arsenal of weapons), kills the entire Val Verde army, and finally whips the shit outta the craziest psychopath ever known to man, Bennett … all the while not stopping for nap or a bite to eat. That’s one determined ass-kicking path of destruction!

Grindhouse: Planet Terror

Having only recently watched this fine flick, it is safe to say that Robert Rodriguez is one of our generation’s greatest writer/directors known to man. This movie is cool because El Wray never misses, Cherry has a carbine for a leg, Jeff Fahey is back, and Quentin Tarantino is a rapist with crap oozing from his orifices.

Scarface

The rag-tag story of a nobody rising through the ranks of the Miami drug scene to become the most-powerful drug dealer in Florida. All of this was accomplished in a short period of time (in movie-land time). This movie is great for many reasons; Al Pacino was in his prime (before the hoo-hah days, and wayyyy before The Devil’s Advocate, ick), hotties in go-go clubs, and Tony Montana kills a bunch of people while he’s high as a kite.

The moral of the story is life is short … do a lot of drugs and fuck a lot of hotties.

Game of Death

Bruce Lee was the master at kicking ass. There was no greater action star at the time, including Chuck Norris. Bruce Lee, in Game of Death, has to whoop some serious ass each level of the building to finally get to the top to face his most-challenging foe, Hakim (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).

Even with limited footage available, due to Bruce Lee’s untimely death while shooting Enter the Dragon, they were somehow able to piece together a really good action flick. The problem with Bruce Lee movies is that no matter what, there is no human being on the face of the earth that can even give Lee a good fight. One particular showdown that comes to mind is Bennett versus Matrix in Commando. Typically, that is what we see in Bruce Lee movies. It’s not a bad thing necessarily; but it is something I notice.

Die Hard

Bruce WillisJohn McClane is the everyman cop who knows how to deal with terrorists. He doesn’t negotiate, he doesn’t ask questions, and he kills you if you fuck with him. Bruce Willis isn’t the most-buff action movie star, but he might just be the most like the rest of us. Perhaps that is the reason why people identify with him.

The first Die Hard is on this list because, frankly, it is the best. The other three aren’t bad, in fact they’re actually pretty good. In the first installment, it takes a few minutes to setup the story of John McClane and his situation in life. Once that is taken care of, we see McClane kills people with bloody feet, strangle bad guys, jump off the side of a high-rise building with nothing more than a loose fire hose as his tether, and drop the villain out the window (in super-slow-mo).

Oh, and a fat cop eats donuts. Imagine that!

The Rock

There aren’t enough good things to say about The Rock. Nicolas Coppola Cage truly comes into his own in this action-packed extravaganza. He has sex with a hottie (check), he loves Rock ‘n Roll (check), he’s a super-smart chemical weapons expert (check), he’s sent on a dangerous mission (check), he rides a bike like a dork through San Francisco (uncheck), he gets popped by Sean Connery (uncheck), he tangles with one of the baddiest villains (Ed Harris … check), he saves the day (check), and finally he solves one of the greatest mysteries of our time … who killed J.F.K. (check).

What more is there to say? Oh, Michael Biehn is just fantastic. He is one of those actors that can play just about any part and get away with it. I bet Ivy League schools saw an immediate increase in enrollment to their chemical engineering enlistments.

First Blood

When a Vietnam veteran strolls through town looking for a hot meal and warm bed, you know there’s going to be trouble … especially when Brian Dennehy is the sheriff. John Rambo is looking-up his old war buddies when Will Teasle decides to mess with the wrong guy. Trained by the finest military in the world, Rambo wages war against a few puny cops and guess what? He kicks some serious ass, and eats a wild boar to boot!

Spawning two sequels, and a fourth in production (new trailer), Rambo is a classic hero. This movie deserves to be on the list because every man who saw this movie wanted to join the military and become part of our Special Forces. I certainly know that I wanted to be able to eat what a billy goat would puke, that’s for sure.

Heat

Finally we get to see two of the greatest actors in the same movie. No, I’m not referring to Val Kilmer and Tom Sizemore. This movie kicks ass mostly because of De Niro. He is a thief, but a cool and collected thief. You will not get in his way. He will put you down, down to Chinatown. Oh wait, wrong movie. Al Pacino is good as well, but not he’s not the reason why this movie rocks.

Michael Mann is brilliant in this movie (in that he really does give Los Angeles that real feel … like, you’re there all the time); the Los Angeles shootout (while tragic to watch on TV when the real thing happened) is one of the greatest moments ever to be filmed. If I may make a suggestion, crank-up the volume and re-watch this scene, if you haven’t already done so (similar to the Last Stand in Predator). It is a rare moment when Hollywood doesn’t fuck-up a good shootout with loud rock music. In this scene, all we hear is what happens on-screen … shotguns, automatic assault rifles, and screaming. It is this very scene that gives Heat a place in this list. Go check it out.

Saving Private Ryan

You had to know this was going to be on the list.  Spielberg has created the greatest war movie ever.  I don’t mean “greatest” as in war is great, rather this movie is the first in history that really shows us how crappy war can be.

It is manly because this movie is about war.  In war there are explosions, fighting, shooting, grenades, and more fighting.  This is not a chic-flick, although chics like this movie.  The first 20-30 minutes are so intense, Oprah had to walk out of the theater (somehow, that doesn’t surprise me).  The last 20-30 minutes are just as intense.  If you have a weak stomach, don’t bother.

One thought on “Top 10 Manliest Movies

  1. Pingback: Butwheaty’s Manliest Movies, Honorable Mention « Hot Lard

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